I've been waiting to talk about things here because, despite the things I do say here, I am too paranoid to say certain other things. 

I'm seeing Lane again.  But I haven't cut things off with the other person I was seeing.  I haven't seen this person since October (since before I started talking to Lane again), but I haven't gotten the courage to break it off.  I've only continued to text him. He had informed awhile back that he was moving back to his home state of Arizona in a couple months,  and I thought that was my get-out-of-jail-free card.  It would just end naturally and there would be no confrontation. So simple. 

And then there was a whole week where he didn't text me at all. I thought he ghosted me.  Even better,  right? Turns out he had just crushed his phone at work and it took him a week to find my number again (we don't have each other added on any form of social media -  cell phone has always been our only communication). 

Well, he texted a week later and also informed that he is staying in Nashville, not moving. So... this is still a thing I really need to deal with.  For now I've been avoiding seeing him,  and he has definitely picked up on it.  I'm starting to think maybe I should just get it over with via text message. I already feel shitty enough as it is about all of this, so why not just go the extra shitty mile and "break up" over text message like a fucking coward?

And now Lane is dropping way too many hints about marriage. Reminds me of the hints he dropped about leaving me before he left... 

The other day he brought up marriage, and I joked, "If you want to bring government into it,  then I will only agree if Bernie Sanders officiates." So he immediately went on Twitter and asked Bernie Sanders to officiate. Of course,  he has received no response as far as I know. 

But the biggest hint was the other day when we were in Bed Bath & Beyond. He asked me what I would say if he were to ask me to marry him right now.  He said, "what if I had a $250 ring and got on one knee in this Bed Bath & Beyond right now? What would you say?"

He must be delusional. Even if I didn't have this giant loose end to cut off, I would never agree to that under current circumstances. We have only been reconnected for a little over a month. I told him that I would say no. I told him that way more time would need to pass and there would need to be more security in the relationship.  He said,  "okay,  I'll wait then."

I don't know if he really has a ring or if he just knew I wouldn't call his bluff. And, for now,  I don't want to know. I still don't feel secure. I have concerns and doubts. I don't know that he won't have another change of heart or that I won't this time. It is a lot to unpack for me, and I'm not impulsive with these kinds of things ever.  He shouldn't be so certain in this either considering I know I've been vague and flighty since getting back together.  I just can't express anything in any certain terms right. 

Anyway,  I had a colposcopy on Monday, and it is taking way longer to heal this time than it did last year. Maybe that means it's cancer... I'll know next week. 

I'll never trust you not to leave again. 

Things I Wish I Could Say

To the boy: I don't know how to say this without sounding stupid... or at least without feeling stupid for saying it out loud. I've been struggling to feel.  I want to like you.  And I do.  But I want to really feel something more for you.  I just don't feel that strong connection. I don't feel that chemistry.  There are so many things about you that I'm here for. I want to feel that potential for love... but it's all physical.  

- - -

To the past: We got our shot, and we did what we did with it.  I just don't think I'll ever feel secure again. I can't put the guard down now; I only just finished putting it all back up! 

I thought I needed to have this conversation in person but don't think I'd be able to get it all out that way.  I am definitely too weak to hold it all together while releasing this pain.

You have no idea how the past 6 months have affected me. When you left,  I was shattered. I was sure you didn't like or love me anymore. My anxiety went through the roof while my self-esteem dropped to the floor. I felt used and worthless. I cried for weeks every second I found myself alone.  I slept on the couch for 3 months.  I quit eating and could only get artificial sleep through alcohol or benadryl. 

I shut off.

And I can't just turn back on like flipping a switch. I can't just pretend like the last 6 months didn't happen. Learning that maybe you still care is not a cure-all for how I've felt, and you telling me that you still care doesn't make me believe it.  A few words aren't going to fix anything. I do still love you (I never stopped), and I do believe that we could be happy together.  But I can't just jump back into it like it's new and exciting.  I can't help but to be cautious because I can't handle anther 6 months like the last. 

I can't believe it was just about the job. There had to be more.  I wasn't worth trying for over other reasons than solely a job. And I won't do long distance ever again.  I was against it from the beginning  and tried for you anyway; and that was the most miserable I was through the entire relationship.  I barely count that month as part of being in the relationship because it didn't feel like much of one at all. I was heavily considering ending things at that time but couldn't bring myself to do it because deep down I still cared and tried to convince myself things would get better.  I should have known that has quite literally NEVER worked out for me. But I was blindsided by you ending it first.  And that is why I will remain cautious and guarded as long as I need to.  I can't help it.

The weight of the world is getting too heavy to hold

I hit a deer last week and totalled my car. 

 

I am carless and too broke to afford this right now. 

I got the worst migraine of my entire life last night.  

I've been working 52-hour work weeks at no real payoff.

The boy makes me sad and idk if it's on purpose or if I misinterpret his tone... but I don't care enough to find out. 

It is really hard just being alive right now.   

You taste like cold and lonely nights

I loved you from the beginning. I know I did,  and that's why I still do. It was an instant connection and an unmatched chemistry. I've never felt it with anyone else.  I've never missed anyone else so much. 

Your leaving was the most hurt I have ever felt from a failed relationship. It still hurts. And there is a pain about it that will always be there. Even if we were to get back together one day, fall madly back in love, and stay there forever... I will always remember this pain. I will always remember how you acted in the end and how worthless and unlovable I felt because of it.  

(And that's why I am the way I am with who I've been entertaining now. Just letting him happen to me.  Don't feel like I've got much of a voice to speak up with.  Don't think he cares about anything I have to say.  I don't know if he does or not,  but I'm not invested in finding out. I don't ask questions that I don't want the answers to. I don't expect him to find me worth it after awhile. I just don't expect anything.)

But I keep on. Just waiting for the love or the pain to fade. They both do with every passing day. Not by much,  but I know enough time will numb it enough to start feeling better one day.  As it always does. 

And perhaps 4 years from now,  I'll start the cycle all over again. 

I recently found out Lane was in a new relationship. It sent me back into depression because I'm a stupid bitch. He would still message me from time to time.  Just memes mostly. Today he messaged me a lot and said the jokes I make remind him of why he fell in love with me.  I creeped and noticed he is apparently single again.  That was a very short relationship... but I feel vindicated tbh. 

These feelings I still hold are fucking torturous.  And I guess he still loves me and that sends pains straight to my stomach. I wonder constantly if we are in each other's futures or not.  

And I feel a little guilty. I've been having a lovely time with the boy. We got drinks the other night,  and I stayed the night at his house.  He was so sweet in the morning.  He pulled me in close and hugged me real big and we cuddled for awhile and he kissed me hair.  There are sometimes reasons why I don't see this lasting. And then moments like that make me wonder if it does have potential.  I know it's unfair to him that I'm not over my ex, but I'm constantly feeling like he doesn't want to progress past what we're doing. I don't really know... and I don't want to ask because I don't WANT to know.  I'm content with what we are doing for now. He seems content too. 

In other stressful news...

Dad is losing his house and going through boxes today trying to decide what I want to keep was emotionally draining. It's all slowly sinking in though.  

For a little while, I had staved off the feelings. 

But I am fully absorbed in them again.

I've been keeping it together lately,  and that's all I've been doing. Which is better than when I wasn't,  I suppose.

Feeling especially hopeless right now. 

I walked 3 miles with Bear, smoked, drank, and I still feel none of it.  I'm wide awake.  I didn't sleep much last night either. I took benadryl as a last resort. Waiting on that one to kick in. I'm pretty sure my anxiety can't defeat benadryl... at least I fucking hope not.  

I've also stopped eating, so I guess I'm in it for the long haul again.  

Would be nice to be able to afford therapy.  Or some sort of medication. Or to even have the time to figure any of that out. 

Well, I'm just going to be sad forever.

I'm having a lot of anxiety again. Not as bad as earlier this year but still painful to just exist everyday.  

There is nothing that brings me peace lately. Every aspect of my life both in my control and out of it stresses me out. 

I've been getting a lot of headaches. I can't fall asleep. My chest feels tight. 

I am at a complete loss. I have no idea what to do.  

I hate the process of starting over.  I hate the awkward beginning stages of getting to know someone.  I'm still struggling to FEEL anything.  The fact that I constantly question if I'm ready means that I'm not. I panic when anything that isn't superficial comes up in conversation.  I'm still learning to be alone.  I wish I could change everything.  

I hate that it still hurts sometimes. 

I hate that it meant so much. 

I hate that I can't sleep. 

The boy stayed the night last night.  We had a lovely time, but while he was asleep and I was in his arms (it still feels weird and awkward but also nice at the same time), I couldn't sleep because I was having waves of anxiety.  And none of it was about him.  His arms were wrapped around me,  and I wasn't thinking about him at all. And I see that as a good thing because he isn't what gives me anxiety.  

I'm stressed about just about everything right now.  I feel bad about calling it quits on David*, Dad is losing his house and Caleb is moving in with me (Dad too if I can talk him into it)**, work always sucks, lack of money is always a problem, I think about Lane too much,  the cats got fleas again,  and Bear could use a trip to the vet for severe seasonal allergies.  About the only thing that doesn't stress me out is the boy. And we all know if this becomes a thing,  the boy will climb to the top of my list of stressful things as boys tend to do.  

 *We don't talk now, and I do miss him. A couple weeks ago, I officially told him that I don't want to get back together.  I just couldn't feel it when we were together,  and I couldn't keep living with his expectations on me.  I wish we could have a friendship,  but I 100% understand that not being feasible.

**I've finally gotten used to and content with living alone, and now I'm about to have to get used to living with people again.  And this house is very small.  

I am really just tired. 

I just worked 52 hours this week because I was working the shifts of 3 different people.  It was exhausting. 

I was supposed to get off work early on Wednesday and go see the boy. But the night-before, they changed my shift to work late instead.  So I had to cancel on the boy. He seemed disappointed.

We still had plans to hang out on Saturday though.  Today. We had talked it up and up. 

Halfway through the day, he decided to get a little real (via text).  Basically said he was starting to get freaked out about us. Like a fear of getting too close and it not working out. I'm prone to believe him.  

I'm worried because it sounds like something I used to experience when I had bad social anxiety. I'm worried because my response to that feeling was to panic and dip out.  He told me he would never ghost me,  so at least I know if he decided to dip out, he'd go with grace and possibly leave me a little closure. Unlike those who came before him.  I can only hope he gives me that kind of dignity. 

On the other hand, I'm not worried. We aren't hanging out tonight because of his "freak out" (even though I'm trying to  believe because it would be a weird thing to lie about it,  I'm still suspicious of everyone all the time,  especially men in my personal life). And while I have grown quite fond of the boy,  I'm not worried because I feel like I don't even know him.  I still haven't really felt a strong chemistry.  Perhaps it's because we haven't been intimate (although the sex is the most intimate/passionate sex I've ever had, we haven't been emotionally intimate) due to his fear of vulnerability and my lack of readiness for it. I've been going about this the way I advised him to: day by day. I'm not planning our wedding.  I'm not building a life together in my head.  I'm not particularly thinking about the future at all. And that's why I'm not worried.  If he decides to cut the cord, it is what it is. 

All I have to say is I have enjoyed it while it lasted. 

You learn to breathe when it hurts

I am struggling to feel.  I think. 

I had a lot happen in a single weekend. 

I came home from work Friday after a 12-hour shift to discover my AC was out. That kinda ruined my mood. The next day, I got the cats out of the house and left them at Dad's. Tom and his brother came to look at my unit and diagnosed the problem and put a temporary fix on it until we can properly fix it on Monday. 

The boy came over and spent the night (for the first time). I'm on my period but I've got Flex disks (they work splendidly) so we were able to have mess-free sex. I warned him first, so we were cautious,  but it all turned out well. We got up at 6am the next day and he left by 8am. 

I want to talk about this because I'm feeling a whole lot of not much about everything... He told me recently that I'm not a booty call and he doesn't want me to think that because he genuinely likes me more than that. (Oh, side note: the day he told me that I was at work and had gotten a headache and he told me to come over and lie down until it passes so I didn't have to drive home in pain. He lives 5 mins from work, so I did and we cuddled and watched TV for an hour or so, and then I left... it was actually really sweet). I like him, too. But I'm not sure if I feel butterflies. I feel too guarded. But on the other hand, I don't feel shy or nervous or anxious around him. I'm very comfortable. But I feel like I'm just there. I feel kinda neutral? I feel all these mediocre things, but I don't think he is mediocre. I think I'm just dead inside right now.

David is coming to visit next weekend. I've decided to let it happen to see how it feels. I'm trying to feel a little more than nervous about it. I don't know why I'm nervous. Like I haven't known the guy for 5+ years. 

I'm questioning everything all the time. Do I want this? Do I even know? I don't know.

Do you mind holding while I see what I can do?

I've been remembering my dreams more lately probably because I have been relaying them to David. I don't always try to interpret meaning from them but I think he believes they are always trying to tell us something.  

So I haven't told him the one I had last night because I think I can interpret it on my own... At the end of it, I was at work and answered a phone call. Guy wanted info, I explained some things,  and he immediately asked for a "deal." I told him we only discount under special circumstances, but he was persistent.  It was after hours, so I was wanting to get off the phone but for some reason I couldn't end the conversation. I liked talking to him.  I don't know why but his name was Tristan. I told him to let me see what I can do,  and I put him on "hold" because my coworkers needed my help.  I did not "see what I can do" by the time I came back (because I knew his request could not be granted),  and I told him I couldn't help at the time but to give me his information and I would call him back. He kept telling me the numbers in his phone number in a different sequence every time I asked him to repeat it. He was distracted by something off the phone and about to hang up but I hadn't fully gotten his information yet, so I yelled, "Tristan!?" to catch him from hanging up, which worked I think.  But I still never got a good phone number to call him back. 

Just seems a bit metaphorical to my current situation with David.

I often don't feel worthy of love.  I don't know why. I don't know where this stems from.  

Right now,  I'm not ready to feel close or intimate or loved.  The thought of feeling those things, right now,  gives me the creeps. 

It's why I sway in one direction—towards one decision—and away from another.  

It's why I don't want to move toward a certainty for now.  I'd rather be sucked into the black hole.  Because I can't see into it.  Because I have zero idea of what the future holds with it. There are no expectations.  There are no worries,  no doubts. There is no past. There is only present, and, maybe—right now—I want to be present and to not see out. 

And that's the best I can articulate right now.  

Lane sent me a picture today out of the blue. It was a picture of me that he took. Wholesome,  seemingly nothing special.  Not candid, since he isn't that type of person.  I seem to vaguely remember him asking me to stay still while me took it. 

He said it was his favorite picture. 

I asked why.

He said: "Because you are making the cutest face and you have a really wonderful smile but you’re even more adorable because you have the most derp hair but seem completely oblivious to it."

I don't understand any of this coming from someone who supposedly doesn't like me. It made me anxious.  I was distracted. I wasn't expecting any of that.  

 

I gave my mind a moment to wander... do I still care? Could things have been different?

Then I quickly moved on .

I've got bigger things to think about right now.  First and at the utmost foremost: I've been feeling a little sick. Slight cough and constant pressure in my chest.  It's had me worried that maybe I finally picked up this virus.  And it's nothing severe for me, but it's had me worried about everyone I've been around lately.  I'm thinking of getting tested. 

The boy has continued to be a constant (good) distraction. Although today he exhibited some less than appealing traits based on a conversation we had that turned into the conspiracy theories he seems to believe.  Shame.

I have to really consider what I want moving forward because David has, once again,  presented me with an ultimatum. 

I hate having to make decisions. 

Something I thought I wanted for so long, and I can't make up my mind. I missed him so much. All. The. Time. But I can't commit? I feel like I'm put on a pedestal like I have a power over him that no one else ever has. And that makes me feel pressure and guilt. Guilt because I don't feel like I'm reciprocating. Guilt because I feel like I'm leading him on. Like I'm being selfish. Like I'm gonna hurt him - again. It seems like whatever that thing in psychology is about wanting something you can't have... and now that I can have it...? Like wanting the person who is hard to get. Who ignores you. Who is unobtainable. Like losing interest when they reciprocate it. 

I don't understand. And I don't know how to put it in words, so I don't know how to talk about it. But the pressure of NEEDING to talk about it is building and making me withdraw. I know it's avoidance behavior.  And I'm trying to build the courage and find the words to make this right.

I'm just gonna be up front.

I don't do codenames anymore, but haven't decided whether to name this new guy just yet... i hung out with after work a couple days ago. We had planned it as a both knew that this was gonna be the one.  We met for drinks first. I only had one,  but he had a couple strong ones.  I think he was nervous, and it blows my mind that this guy comes off as shy or something. Hot people are usually confident,  aren't they? (I am not going to get over how hot he is any time soon). So then we went back to his place for a movie. He had presented the options to me of either movie at his or a walk through the park. I was ready to get all the built-up tension out of the way because I HATE awkwardness. That's why I kissed him on the first "date." So, I chose movie,  and we both knew what that was going to lead to. 

My suspicions of him living with a parent were wrong (my google-stalking was actually inaccurate). He lives in a house with a couple roommates.  Dudes his age,  I'm guessing,  but I didn't meet them. He lives like a bachelor - mattress on the floor and very bare space - idk how I feel about that yet. 

We cuddled on his bed through the duration of the movie,  and when it was over,  we did have sex. Any lurkers don't need the details.  

The drive home for me was like many I've done before.  Late night in empty streets with tangled hair and smeared makeup. What a sight, I'm sure. But it put something into perspective for me. This is the first new person I've been with in 2 years.  And I am pretty fond of him and do see potential; however, completely unrelated to him,  I am tired of those late night drives home.  I'm tired of starting over every year or so. The arrangement I had with Lane was ideal except he was the wrong person to fill that role because he couldn't. But that was a bit of a tangent; we're not getting into introspeculation tonight. 

So the next day,  spontaneously, I had the boy at my house.  He still seems nervous and I'm trying to break him out of it.  We took an evening stroll around the cemetery

 It was nice,  but I was just a little drunk. Surely he was too. And, of course because we were 2 adults alone in my quiet house, we had sex again but I'm my bed this time.  :) 

So, the physical part of things are going well. I guess he likes me non-physically, too, maybe. But we will cross that bridge if we get there.  I haven't crossed the emotional threshold yet where I'd be sad if he left or ghosted. I mean,  I am fond of him. I think he has a super cute personality so far. But I'm being slow on that end.  I've still got a little more hurt to get over and don't plan to be vulnerable just yet.

The other things in my life will be discussed in a future post. 

I saw the new guy again tonight,  and he has been nothing but a gentleman so far.  I'm kinda really into him. :/ We got drinks, and we talked,  and it wasn't as weird this time,  except I had so much anxiety building up to it that I took a buuunch of nausea medication. It all worked out though, and I believe next time, I'll be much less nervous.  He is so nice so far, and I don't know what I'm so nervous about.  

David said on the phone yesterday to tell him everything even the bad stuff... so I should probably tell him about this.  And maybe he knows because maybe I told him about this place a long time ago. I don't remember.  The thing with David is I have hard-to-describe feelings for him. But maybe I'm not ready to confront them? Another reason why I feel I can't flirt back is because I don't remember our relationship being a very sexual one. I know it wasn't--comparatively.  I don't know if he realizes that... I did always feel I was a more sexual person than him with a higher drive. And I know matching in that area is important to a relationship. But it's possible that things would be different a second time around.

But... I've got new and a exciting at my fingertips.  And he is very exciting... 

All That Was So Real

No matter how many times I meet someone from the internet, it never stops feeling surreal. 

I met the new guy yesterday. We grabbed a drink and talked. But we do have plans to meet again tomorrow. He seems nice so far. I get the feeling he is a little shy, which I'm not used to. But I'm also nervous which I'm super not used to and I hate the feeling. I think it's because everyone else I've typically video called before meeting,  and although I've been texting this guy for 2 months or so, I just didn't feel prepared going into it. And he is slightly different than expected but not in a bad way. But I also didn't know WHAT to expect.

So I'm nervous but I hate awkwardness, so I'm trying to not let it get that way. 

And, as usual,  my life is one dichotomy after another,  so I've also been talking to David a lot. And we are both single and both miss each other, so... there's that. So he will get a little flirty and for some reason I can't do it back. I guess it feels wrong because all my flirting is going to the new guy... it's just a weird spot to be in. I know I could flirt back because I am, as I said, single. However, I don't want to lead him on because I don't want to cut things off with the new guy so soon. New guy lives in Nashville pretty close to me... David lives in Virginia now. I'm just gonna do that thing I do where I don't confront the issue until it becomes absolutely imperative to do so.

I will see you again a long time from now

So, a lot has happened, I guess 

I saw Lane. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. He was in town for a meeting with a lawyer... we met up at the park afterward and talked.  We didn't say any anything deep or heavy--I made sure of that. He told me some important things I needed to know for my own lawyer meeting. I can tell he misses me, which I suppose is comforting. He would try to lightly rub my arm or touch my hand when we were sitting next to each other.  He turned his entire body to face mine. I just shut down all of my own body language.  Didn't face him or look at him unless I was talking. Didn't ask how his family is doing.  Pretended not to notice the attempted touching and just slightly moved away instead. I was on full defense, psychologically. There is just no point in being any other way is there? He is the one who left. He is the one who called it. That is the decision he gets to live with and I intend to respect and uphold that decision. There is just no point in anything else... not anymore.

The mysterious new person I've been talking to has finally agreed we will meet this month. I want to believe it's just intended to be physical. Maybe that's all I want? He just seems like that type of person,  but sometimes he says things that suggests he's more serious. I always tell myself all they want is something physical. It's my best quality, after all; I don't have much more to offer than that.  

I'll update how it goes if/when I meet him. I mean, it's going to be physical; but I'll stay posted on the less gorey details. I've got one huge suspicion that will definitely make or break this one depending on the outcome.

So, I'm in Maryland visiting Michael.  It has been nice hanging out with an old friend.  I don't feel like I have many of those anymore. Maryland seems to be a place just like any other. I've noticed Northerners at least seem to take the virus seriously and actually wear masks in public. That's nice. Yesterday we drove down to National Harbor, but it was all closed. Today we visited Assateague Island where wild horses roam the beaches. It was neat; I got some pictures. We didn't get a whole lot out of it though. 

David contacted me out of the blue yesterday. It was quite the coincidence considering I had crossed the state line into Virginia (where he is) a couple hours before. I told him his spidey senses must have been tingling. He said he had had a dream about me the night before, which,  coincidentally, was my first night up here. So we have been chatting. I finally got to tell him I miss him, which honestly gives me some peace (of course,  the feeling is mutual). 

So that's where I'm at: everwhere.

Excuse me while I scream

I, yet again,  feel like I am standing still. Like I'm not moving forward, not getting anywhere. I know progress cannot be made at this time and we need to slow down collectively (seems no one else is doing that, but, ya know). I just hate feeling stuck. I hate it so much. 

I hate going at it alone. I don't need someone to help. Just would like someone to be there.

I hate that I actually get lonely these days.  

I hate that the past couple nights I have woken up in the middle of the night with the inability to fall back to sleep. Tonight I woke up at 2am.

I've been extra impulsive lately,  and I think that lines up with the mania. I've been saying "yes" to everything,  and I guess that's so things don't feel so stagnant.  That said,  I've got a lot of plans coming up. Dinner with friends... painting with coworkers... flight to Maryland to see Michael.  

I hope everything turns out fine.  

Manic Pixie Nightmare

Is there a such thing as temporary BPD? I feel manic lately. But not happy. Just sporadic... energetic and erratic. Talking a lot and too fast. Singing and dancing. 

But not happy.

There is no happiness behind it. And the crash goes deep. 

I don't think I have any kind of real mental issues. It's just a temporary phase that is taking too long to go away. 

Right?

Everyone gets highs and lows. It's human. It's normal. But I just haven't felt normal for a long time.

Sacred Language

He says all the right things.

I don't trust someone who says all the right things.

He picks up on things I've never told him. Like personality quirks. It's strange. 

I wonder what the catch is.

You mean nothing to me.  Not a God damn thing.  It's a cruel fucking joke to make it where I can't move on due to a historic worldwide pandemic.  I hate everything.  

What am I supposed to fucking do?

I feel like I'm going to be stuck like this forever...

And I want to die.

(EDIT: yooo I was SAD DRUNK when I wrote this. I have never gotten that sad when drunk before. Usually it mellows me out... 

Rough night, I suppose).

Did you mean it when you said I was pretty?

But what about after?

While I am satisfied with "for now," I'm unsure how I feel about "after."

After all of this is said and done, if this discontinues, will it feel as is if it were a waste of time? It's certainly taking up A LOT of my time. Best case scenario,  there will be an after. And this will continue and carry over into the real world... when it starts spinning again. But even if it doesn't, I don't think it is a waste of time. 

He has done exactly that: kept my spirits high. Lifted them out of the grave that I had buried them. I guess if we never meet, I'll be a little disappointed.  A little bummed. But his timing was impeccable, and, emotionally,  I am fully functional again.  It's not all thanks to him,  but he definitely helped expedite it.  So, he may just be one of those "reasons" but that is yet to be determined. 

It's been one month. Feels like sooo much longer, like, at least 3 months.  But,  it's been one month, and this is me we are talking about,  so you know what that means:

I've been talking to this new guy. 

I started it as a distraction,  and it still is one.  We have not met and have no intentions to for the near, foreseeable future. But he is a VERY good distraction. 

And I am VERY good at finding information on people.  His phone number allowed me to find out his full name and current address. I couldn't find him on social media under his full name or any possible nickname combination I could think of,  so I gave up after that roadblock.

Then, yesterday,  he sent me a screenshot from instagram. After a lot of digging, I found his Instagram, his alias, and the movie that he directed and has out on Netflix. 

He has told me nothing about this movie.  He told me he likes to write... but now I understand that he writes screenplays, I guess. I have never seen the movie,  and I'd feel weird watching it now. I am quite intrigued though.

I really only dug so deep because I am suspicious of him.  I know we are in a pandemic,  but he has initiated no progressing in our "relationship." Just says things like "sucks we can't go to a bar" or something.  I honestly thought he could be a catfish at first (because in my opinion he is too attractive to be into someone like me). But he proved he wasn't a catfish for me (I made him prove it so I could check that suspicion off my list). So,  I don't know what his deal is.  But I feel better knowing all this stuff about him knowing he doesn't know. 

After the investigation, it seems everything he has told me about himself checks out. 

So,  right now my best guess, based on context clues, is that he lives with his dad and doesn't want me to know.  And perhaps he is balding and embarrassed about it (he always has a hat on, though, somewhat recent pictures on social media that I creeped show a head full of hair).

I'm not super worried about it right now.  I just wish I knew his intentions for all of this so I knew how to comfortably proceed.  I don't know how much to tell him, so to play it safe, I haven't said much.  Right now I'm happy with the distraction of flirtatious "pen pal." Though,  the longer this goes on,  the more I do grow to wanting to meet him.  I'm only going to let him make that call though.

Maybe nothing at all will come of any of this.  I'm actually making myself believe this will be the outcome. We'll see. 

He's very attractive and funny, and it makes me happy that he talks to me all day everyday.  That's all that matters right now. 

All that said, Lane will message me on FB eeeeevery now and then with some seemingly harmless thing that he'll think I will like. And I kinda wish he wouldn't. I think maybe he feels bad about things,  but what am I supposed to do with that? I now understand the exes I have left who deleted my number and removed me from their social medias. I don't want to be Lane's friend. Not right now at least.

I have always tried to remain friends with my exes because I can usually  compartmentalize the past feelings,  but I completely see now how that is wrong. They didn't want to keep hearing from me (although,  I would give it way more time before reaching out). 

My feelings for Lane, all the good ones, are almost gone now.  I feel mostly neutral/numb about it with just a little resentment. I don't miss him anymore.  Thanks to the distraction,  I barely think of him anymore.  I think this is good. I think it's healthy.  I am moving on.  

He asked what my kryptonite is.  And I froze up, blanked out, and cried a little.  I didn't want to tell him.  I'm not ready for anyone else to know.  I thought I was better but it just doesn't happen that quickly.  I guess I've just been masquerading like I'm fine. I believed it. 

But it was only this distraction that I chose to obsess over to keep me from thinking of anything bad.  It worked,  too! It made me smile and laugh more than anything else has lately.  

But I'm in the same place I was in 4 years ago. I'm scared.  I don't trust anything that makes me happy. I'm overanalyzing and I just know my suspicions won't be wrong. I absolutely know it. 

It shouldn't so hard to move on. 

I deserve better.

Don't I?

It has been one week since we broke up.

7 days. 

Only

7 days.

It feels like it has been a fucking eternity. I've got 3 days off work this weekend,  and I'm a little terrified.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I am desperately lonely in the times. 

I can't take this; I fucking hate this

I have been in so much pain lately.  

It was bad the first time THIS YEAR that it happened,  and I never fully recovered. But he came back and I tried to heal. I still cried some in that time, but only a little, and never to his knowledge. 

We were having our issues. By that,  I mean I was having my issues. I wasn't happy.  I wasn't sure if I was even still in love.  

But then he went a whole day without talking to me. The next day, still silence. We hadn't been fighting.  I was confused and annoyed. I wanted to be mad about it and tell him that I'm not going to accept that kind of behavior again. But instead I tried to be nice and sent him a text wishing him a good day. He replied asking when I could take a break. He was going to call, and I knew it wasn't good. 

So he fed me some cliche lines about how "it isn't fair" to me but his "heart wasn't in it anymore." I said it wasn't gonna work out anyway,  and that was that.  It was a quick phone call.  I sat in my car for a moment when it was over. Tried to go back into work like nothing happened,  but locked myself in the bathroom and cried on the floor. That happened a few times that day. It was the slowest God damn day ever.  I cried again on the drive home.  Broke down completely when I got home.  That was a couple days ago, and I haven't been able to function since. 

So, despite all the anger. Despite the high probability that we would have never lasted. Despite everything... I guess I did still love him. I guess I still do? I wasn't ready for this. 

It has destroyed my self esteem wondering when he stopped loving me,  or if he ever truly did. I think he quit loving me months ago. But I don't really want to know.  I'm too scared to know.  

The worst part is, I don't know how to process this.  I don't know any healthy coping mechanisms. The last time I was shattered like this,  I hung out with friends A LOT. I could vent to them.  They knew what was going on.  They helped me get through it, and I don't know for sure that I would have made it out alive without that support. 

But I can't do any of that this time. And it's fucking killing me.

I had a moment of extreme weakness while crying the other day and reached out to David of all people.  I felt I needed a voice of reason because I was especially lost. I didn't hear from him until the following day, and I didn't tell him what is going on.  I didn't want to burden him.  None of this has anything to do with him. I don't even know what I wanted to say to him.  I did apologize to him for how I left and told him how I finally realized how shitty that was.  But it was stupid of me to contact him and I feel pretty stupid for bothering him.  He doesn't deserve that,  and I don't deserve his advice. 

I've had uncharacteristically bad anxiety since the beginning of the year.  It spiked uncontrollably with the first break up and never got better, even when we were "working things out." Even when things were going well. I haven't been able to fall asleep on my own in months.  It's pathetic as fuck but the only time I could really fall asleep was when he was next to me.  

So I'm wide awake and sad as fuck with no end in sight.

I've rejoined dating apps just for something to put my mind to because otherwise all I can think about is how much I wanna die. I'm obviously not ready AT ALL to move on,  but since we're all in quarantine, that gives me an excuse not to meet anyone. And this is seriously the on my way I know how to move on... Sometimes it gives me a bit of a confidence boost with the all the attention.  But other times I just feel pathetic and like I'm at the bottom of the barrel for being on there. 

All I want right now is for the pain to a stop. 

He chose his mom over me again. And it hurts.

I won't be seeing him this weekend.

I'm preparing for a permanent break up. This relationship doesn't make me happy anymore. It makes me feel only bad things.

And my anxiety is getting too deep and too dark.

Back on High

Oh, so an updated from that last post...

Shit got bad.

We broke up. I cried for days. I didn't eat or sleep. I lost a bunch of weight.

He had quit his high-paying job on the spot. Didn't tell me. Called his mommy and immediately went to Alabama. He found a job down there and he lives there now.

I was very bitter.

I am still bitter.

I'm sure I will never not be bitter about how everything went down. I still think it's extremely shitty to do all of that behind my back.

However, we have talked about things and we are back together. Just long distance now. Something I said I would never do. I don't think he understands how much I've compromised when I was originally unwilling to compromise.

He still has everything he wants: lives with his mommy, has a job he claims to love (it won't last long), and still has his girlfriend.

And while I have been looking for another job (got offered a better one recently but it was a bit too far of a job, so I declined... not sure if it was the right choice), I am playing it safe.

Lane is getting upset that I won't take the first job I'm offered that gives me weekends off. It would be nice to have weekends to hang out with him because he drives up here {almost} every weekend. But I'm mad that he is expecting me to make all these changes to benefit the relationship when he is the one who dismantled it.

I do want to make decisions for the betterment of us; however, I'm not going to take the first opportunity I'm offered. I'm holding out for something that will feel way better.

And in the current state of things, what with a worldwide pandemic and all, I don't think any real change is going to come soon. Not any good change anyway...

I feel our relationship is stronger after all of this though. I'm still madly in love with him I guess. I'm irresistibly attracted to him still, so our sex life has significantly improved only seeing other on weekends... Gotta get while you can, ya know?

My job sorta asked me to voluntarily use vacation days next week to not come to work because there is no work to do. Pretty sure that's illegal, but I volunteered it only for 1 week. I'm not willing to use more vacation days than that (especially if I end up having to stay home to quarantine myself for 14 days). I told them to put me on the schedule at least one day next week so I can get out of the house. I'm thinking of using that time as an opportunity to paint my house since I have been wanting to paint for a long time.

I'd sorta like to go more into detail about all of these things but I wanted to get this all down quickly. I don't have internet at my house (Lane paid for it and I am too poor to afford it), so I'm jotting down the highlights of the last month while I'm borrowing internet at dad's house.

Lane has temporarily left me. I guess we were having some issues, so he went to his mom's for a few days.

I've been absolutely riddled with anxiety. Already have quit eating and sleeping. 

We have not communicated with each other since he left. I am having mixed emotions over this. I'm distraught and pissed off at the same time.

I refuse to be the first to reach out. He is the one who left with no explanation. 

I don't know where we go from here. Of course, the hardest part, as always, is not knowing. Not knowing how he is feeling. Not knowing what conclusion he will come to. I'm scrambling to come to a conclusion myself. 

I'm my opinion, our problems are fairly minor (at least the thing that set this whole episode off). At least... Presently, they are. I often question our future though.

But I don't want to feel like this in a relationship. It's not healthy. Even if we were to overcome this, it will forever leave a stain. On the one hand, I could accept making up and rebuilding. Continue our lives together. On the other hand, I just feel like the same problems will persist until there is irreparable resentment. 

If I'm being honest, my mind keeps leaning toward ending things. This probably won't be the last time this will happen, and I just can't be with someone who is going to run away to mommy every time things get hard. My heart pulls in this direction but is also terrified of it. Something in me doesn't want it to end. Not yet. 

I'm confused and angry about being confused. 

My doubts weigh so, so heavy on my heart.

Prolonging the Inevitable

Yo, it's the first day of 2020.

I'm on my way to pick up Lane from the airport after spending New Year's Eve with his mom? You think they kissed? I bet his mom tried to.

Their relationship is uncomfortably creepy.

And I predict by the end of 2020, if things don't change (hard to imagine they will since it's a familial relationship), that my own "romantic" relationship will have ceased.

I love him, which is why I'm still here. It's why I struggle. I go back forth with my feelings. I still want to try with him, but I won't keep doing things this way forever. He's the only person who I have ever met with this issue. It's something different with every new person, isn't it?

I feel like our future right now is a black hole. I can't see it one way or the other. I also feel like the clock has already begun counting down to the deadline.