Thoughts Out Loud

I don't know why I'm writing here so often now. I guess really it all stems from procrastination... and actually having something to say... and not being too depressed to talk about it.

But this one is me actively procrastinating.

I actually had a good day today. I woke up at around 11 (feels good to sleep in on a Monday). Went to school to help Nikki with some computer stuff. I've completely forgotten how to use Adobe Illustrator, so I wasn't much help. I'm only somewhat decent with Photoshop.

Then I bought my textbook for Writing class finally. Nikki and I intend to share it and we were going to split the cost of buying it, but of course I went ahead and paid for it in full.

We went to the zoo. We caught the sea lion talk/show which is adorable. I got pictures of sheep and wolves (see, it was an educational visit because this counts as research for one of my classes). I'll probably explain the significance of that at another time.

Then I went to Art History class at 4:20, which is the only class I have on Mondays and Wednesdays. It's pretty nice. The class is ACTUALLY interesting. I enjoy learning about ancient civilizations. (It's more of an overall history class than an art history class). We're currently discussing ancient Egypt, which is pretty awesome. And we're going to talk about ancient Greece/Rome next! Those are my favorite. I'm actually excited.

I really like these lecture classes much more than studio classes... Though, Drawing II class this semester isn't so bad. I know I definitely chose the right professor.

Now, I just need to get some research done for IPC. I don't have to do all of it because my procrastinating ways will leave me finishing it tomorrow during lunch right before class. Eh, it'll give me something productive to do with that 2 hours between classes.

I've been thinking seriously about transferring. I mean, yes, as of right now, my mind is made up and I am absolutely transferring. But I don't know where yet or what I'll study. Not knowing what to study is definitely the biggest issue. I hate that I have to know what I'm going to do for the rest of my life...

I'm seriously considering transferring to Knoxville or Chattanooga because those are huge schools and I'm sure they offer a ton of classes. But I might also transfer somewhere in Middle Tennessee so I'll be closer to home and family (which will make the hard parts of my current life so much more bearable).

I don't want to sound stupid, but I'm seriously considering majoring in English. I actually ENJOY English and writing papers. It just seems like the natural choice. This is the stupid part, but my actual dream is probably to be a marine biologist and work with manatees. I know that sounds stupid to other people, but I seriously love manatees and sea creatures, and I would feel content with my life if I knew I was actively helping them. It would be cool to work at Sea World (they have manatees haha). Graphic Design is still a possibility too. I do enjoy working with art on the computer and would still like to learn all I can about it. But there are so many other things I would also like to learn about on the side. Like ancient Greek/Rome/Egypt and their mythologies. Astrology and astronomy. Psychology. It would be cool to take classes in these things. And art-related, I want to learn it all, but I don't think I want to work in that any art-related fields for the rest of my life except graphic design.

I know this is rambling, but it's really just things I've been thinking about a lot lately and I'm getting them all written down, for myself.

EDIT: Despite a good day, I'm going to bed unhappy. I know you're not supposed to let other people bring you down, but it's really hard not to, especially when they don't know they're doing it.

Rock Bottom

Is it bad when your own father tells you that he doesn't care if you die, just don't do it on his property? Because that's what he told my brother. We have tried to help them, but they just absolutely refuse to get better. And now she might be pregnant. She's also very close to going to jail. He probably is too. He should count his lucky stars that he actually has a job right now. If he gets into any trouble at all, his boss will not think twice about replacing him with someone who is NOT a convicted felon. I don't believe it's all her fault that they got this way, but she's a huge hindrance from them getting better. She quit her job THE DAY that he got his. Mom had to take their only vehicle from them (they've had 2 or 3 already taken away) because the title loan people are out for it. They're going down a road that only ends in jail or death.

Sometimes people just gotta hit rock bottom before they even consider changing.

But they'll never hit rock bottom when nobody will fucking let them.

Something for today

I slept til 2 and didn't do shit today. Feels good, man.

But since I've decided NOT to day anything, I now need something to do. So I chose this:

Have you ever made a sex tape?
No.

Do you look like a boring person?
Um, yes?

When's the last time someone made you feel like you mattered?
I don't know. Nate makes me feel that way when it's not overdone (because then it feels forced).

Are your teeth clean?
Always.

Have you ever seriously questioned your sanity?
I have. I know I'm not insane.

Do cheesy movies ever inspire you?
Not really.

Gun to your head, do you believe in God?
No.

Do you need a vacation?
I wish I could just go on vacation forever. I should find a sugar daddy and become a trophy wife. Haha, that's horrible.

How do you feel about your weight right now?
I've always been comfortable with it.

Have your parents ever told you that you are a disappointment?
Ha. No.

Do Graveyards thrill or terrify you?
I guess I'm neutral to them.

Would you ever snort pixie sticks?
That sounds extremely stupid.

Do you like tea?
Sometimes.

When's the last time you took a shower?
Earlier today.

Do your sheets come off your bed easily?
They come off easily, but they're a bitch to put back on...

Does music rule your life?
Kinda.

Oreos or chips ahoy?
Oreas. I hate chocolate chips.

Would you say your life is on the right track right now?
Um... I really don't know. I thing it's all wrong and this is not where I should be. So... I guess my answer is no.

Would you ever be a groupie?
No...

Do you have a better body or a better face?
I don't know...

What's the next thing you have to do that you're dreading?
The next four months...

Do you ever wear polos?
Hate 'em.

Have you ever popped your collar?
I have no collars to pop.

Do/Did you skip class?
Though it's easier and you don't need an excuse like back in high school, skipping class in college enough times has worse consequences.

Do you find butch lesbians attractive?
No.

Have you ever drank cough syrup to get high?
Cough syrup, even at the recommended dose, makes me feel like complete shit. I can't stand it anymore.

Does your head hurt right now?
Surprisingly, no. It's only a matter of time.

How often do you clip your nails?
I trim them maybe once every two weeks. They grow pretty fast, but I keep them long.

Is your phone always on low battery?
Only at the end of a long day.

What song is your current favorite?
Currently I'm really digging "I Come Alive" by The Used. I'm excited for their new album! :D

Who's the last girl to hug you?
Probably Nikki. I don't hang out with other girls, let alone hug them. If not her, then my mom.

Do you genuinely like her?
Yes.

Do you miss any of your exes?
I feel guilty though I know it's not my fault.

Do you like Travis Barker?
He's cool.

Did you ever take pottery class in High School?
I took a ceramics class, but we didn't make any pottery.

Have your parents ever suggested that you see a therapist?
I don't think so.

Have you ever felt yourself fainting?
Idts.

Would you ever dye all your hair bright pink?
Never. I'm not a big fan of bright colors, though I do like some unnatural colors.

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "Monday"?
My Mondays aren't so bad this semester. It just means I need to cram all that homework that I procrastinated on over the weekend.

How do you feel physically right now?
Like poop.

How do you feel emotionally?
Well for the moment.

How about mentally?
Content, I suppose.

Spiritually?
...?

Have you ever been friends with someone with bipolar disorder?
I'm not sure... Maybe.

What's your favorite brand of hairspray?
Um... I use Tresemme, but I don't have much experience with hairsprays.

Who's the last boy to make you cry?
I don't let boys cause me tears.

Did he know that he made you cry?
If it were to happen, I doubt I'd let it be known.

Do you think anyone actually cares about you?
I think a few people do.

Are you a salt person?
I HATE salt.

Have you ever been too scared to leave your couch?
(One of my roommates just came in drunk and loud...) I've been too socially withdrawn to leave my bed when I hear other people outside of my room.

When's the last time you felt like a total asshole?
I'd like to think I'm not much of an asshole on any occasion.

Is it hard for you to apologize even when you know you're wrong?
I don't see much weight in apologies.

Can you smell?
...weird question. Not at the moment cuz I have this stupid cold.

Do you consider yourself a mature person?
"I'm mature for my age. :))) <3" Hate that shit. But, I feel like I am. No one gets this way through an easy life.

Do you have long eye lashes?
I don't know. I guess they're normal length.

Has anyone ever threatened you?
I'm sure.

Have you ever been close with your mother?
I guess we're kinda close.

Would you ever own a rat?
I have before! I would love to have some again.

Could you fall asleep right now?
Most likely. I stayed up because I was going to Skype with Nate (He suggested it over the phone). But now he's saying he has to do homework..................... EDIT: I could have gone to bed hours ago. ): He says he's going to bed.................

Has your mouth ever been washed out with soap?
I've washed my own mouth out with soap before for reasons that will remain unmentioned. I think I heard my tastebuds screaming in pain.

Would you/Do you ever spank your kids?
Um... I don't have kids so this isn't an issue. I don't think spanking is cruel if it's just a hand. If you hit your kids with a belt or something though, fuck you.

Do you look pretty today?
No.

Does your family make you feel supported?
For the most part. They naively support my going to art school, but they were reluctant to support my leaving it. I will go nowhere in life with a degree from this place, which is why I'm going somewhere else.

Is it hard for you to admit when you're hurt?
It's hard for me to admit any kind of emotional defeat. I don't like to show weakness, and appearing any way other than "happy/content" is weak.

Are you good at walking in heels?
Yes, though I never wear them.

Would you genuinely be okay with having a woman as president?
It just depends who. A lot of people hate this idea, but I feel Hilary would actually know what she is doing what with her experience, but fuck Palin.

Who's the last person to post on your facebook wall?
As I was answering this, Bryan posted on it

Do you like this person?
He's a cool dude.

If you could fuck one cartoon character, which one would it be?
Do I look like a weeaboo to you?

Did that question really freak you out?
It made me think of the type of person who really, really annoys me (to put it lightly), like weeaboos and furries.

Do you feel you're capable of being loved?
I've answer this before. Yes.

When's the last time you ate something?
A couple hours ago.

Do you feel like crying?
Not at the moment. Progress.

When's the last time you felt completely and totally alone?
Too often.

What do you do when you can't sleep?
Lie in bed annoyed.

Do you like pez?
Nahh.

Have you ever collected pez dispensers.
No.

Have you ever used jump roping as a work out?
Not willingly.

What's your favorite type of sushi?
Never had it.

Do you like sushi?
I wouldn't know.

Would you ever name your kid sushi?
Never.

How much money would you spend to see Eminem live?
I probably wouldn't see Eminem live. Wouldn't want to be surrounded by those kinds of people.

Do you think afros are sexy?
Not really. I think they're cool though.

How about dreads?
It's hard to make dreads actually look good and kempt.

Have you ever been part of a band?
No.

Have you ever fasted?
No.

What's the nicest thing your parents have ever done for you?
I dunno... lots of things I guess.

Do you find curse words offensive?
Not at all.

Have you ever had the urge to jump off a cliff?
I've had the urge to do other things that could potentially end fatally but never to jump off a cliff.

Do you think your mom would be proud of you if she knew everything?
Sure.

Would anyone be proud of you?
I guess I don't need anyone's approval, but I feel they would.

Have you ever considered being a cop?
Nope. Never.

Do you ever tell Chuck Norris jokes?
Only to my dad cuz he laughs uncontrollably and that's funnier to me than the jokes themselves.

If someone tried to attack you would you fight back?
I'd have to, wouldn't I?

Do you pay attention to the news?
Not anymore.

Who's the person you want to kiss right now?
I think more than anything I'd just like to fall asleep next to someone right now. Not just anyone obviously.

Are you okay with being alone?
Usually. In fact, a lot of the time, I prefer it.

Have you ever donated blood?
No. I would though.

Have you ever felt lifeless?
Uh, you mean like lethargic? Absolutely.

What's the worst feeling in the world?
Feeling trapped, stuck, abandoned, etc.

Have you ever tried harder to appreciate the little things in life?
I don't have to try very hard to do that in the first place. I may not always make it known, but I do appreciate a lot of things and don't take them for granted.

Are you in love?
I'm not sure and don't know if I ever will be.

Lovely

A few days ago, Nikki wanted to take her dog for a walk (we had a cat and a dog here for a few days. Pets aren't allowed in the dorm. We're rebels). We were going to go walk him Downtown, but as soon as we got in the truck it started raining. We, instead, drove to the [Mississippi] river where the storm was coming in. It was scary windy and there was lightning and the sky was super black (the sky does not get black at night in Memphis... it gets orange. Gross). Dillon, Nikki, and I hung out there for awhile. When we got back in the truck to head back to the dorm, the sirens started going off. Tornadoes! I'm terrified of tornadoes and bad weather... If I had written this the day after it happened, I'd go into much more detail, but everything turned out well. We went to Dillon's apartment and hung out there until the sirens quit. Then we stayed way after that. Nikki fell asleep, and Dillon drove me back to the dorm at 2am. (I would have definitely said more about that had I not waited til now, but I'm just leaving it at that).

Uh... my week has been okay I guess. I'm stressed with the amount of homework I've had and will have the entire semester. I don't really know what to say. I don't remember what happened throughout the week. I am, however, very proud of myself for actually being productive this week and actually doing homework and actually not staying up past midnight to finish it. Feels good, man. I'm gonna try to keep it up.

Today was pretty good. Drawing class went well. I actually like what I made in there today. After class (which was all day 9am-3:30pm) we randomly hung out with Eric and JT and went to Subway. Eric showed us a movie theater that is SO CLOSE BY, like within walking distance. Damn place is tucked away in a corner in an alley almost. We decided we're all going to go see a movie soon! (: We were going to go to Trolly Night tonight, but it was short notice for everyone and everyone had already pre-made plans. Nikki left to help Dillon move. JT had an appointment somewhere. Eric and I watched half of Gangs of New York, then he had to go meet up with some people. And, I've been sitting here on the internet since then.

I'm sick. ): The other night I was Skyping Nate and he was saying that he was sick. I said, "I'm probably jinxing myself, but I haven't been sick since that time I got laryngitis [in May last year]." I'm not superstitious at all, but I'll be damned: I woke up sick the next day. It's just a cold, but it's the annoying kind. Sore throat, coughing, and today: runny nose. The nose is the worst. I am in need of soft tissues and Benadryl...

Right now I'm waiting for Nate to get back from smoking to Skype me.

One last thing, I used the word "exuberant" today, and just to double-check that I was using it correctly (spoiler alert: I was), I looked up the definition of it. I'm quite fond of these definitions and use of nice words:

1. effusively and almost uninhibitedly enthusiastic; lavishly abundant: an exuberant welcome for the hero.
2. abounding in vitality; extremely joyful and vigorous.

Isn't that lovely?

Permanently Tired

Last night I was trying to go to bed somewhat early. One reason is because I was ridiculously tired all day, and another reason is because mom was coming over the next day.

Well, at about 2 in the morning, Aaliyah, AJ, and AJ's friend Travis came in drunk and being really loud. I'm a super light sleeper, so it woke me up. I heard AJ ask where me and Nikki were and Aaliyah told him we were asleep. So... he came in my room. Haha. I was awake already, and he tried to get me to hang out, but I said no. Then he laid in my bed with me, and I told him I was too nice to push him in the floor. It was pretty funny though. Eventually told him to let me go back to sleep and he left without making it difficult. My boyfriend would probably be very displeased with that situation. If he knew.

Mom came over today. We got some groceries and school supplies. I only got $23-worth of supplies, which was a box of charcoal and 5 sheets of Stonehenge paper. I got a 15% discount for being a student though. We went to Plato's Closet to get a dress shirt for Dillon. Uh... not a lot happened today actually.

I really just hate the way this school runs things. They don't send out supply lists beforehand. You get your list the first day of class. You're expected to have all of your supplies and textbooks by the very next class (within 2 days). Last semester I had to get $400-worth of books and supplies on a WEDNESDAY. We don't get our refund checks until 3 weeks after school starts. I don't know where they expect us to get all this money so suddenly, but they blatantly don't care. They say there is "no excuse." They like saying that... In some classes, if you have no source of income, you're destined to fail.

So... my classes aren't so bad this semester, I guess. Just one. I'm terrified of that class... I can't do public speaking. I will skip class every time... but knowing me, I probably won't. Ugh... I've been trying to find a way to add another class, so I can drop that one. But the class I want to add doesn't have any openings, and I don't see any becoming available ever. So, I guess I'm stuck with this schedule. I hate how the fucking staff gives you such a hard time with schedule changes. Then again, I hate how this school does everything.

Today, mom was telling me I should join the Navy. She's serious too. I asked her, "Could I drop out of school if I joined?" And she said yes. Ha. She knows how much I hate it, but she won't let me just quit. That's good, I suppose, but I know if I just dropped everything right now and went home, I would never regret it. I don't know about joining the military though... I couldn't do that commitment. I don't like not having the option to quit (not saying I'm guaranteed to quit, but if the choice were there, I'd be more inclined to try it out).

Anemia is a bitch. No matter how much or how little sleep I get, I am constantly tired. If it's not sleepiness, it's my muscles. I could pass out right now... but I'm babysitting Nikki's cat and dog. We're not supposed to have animals in the dorm, but they're only here for a few hours. Then when Nikki and Dillon get back from their date, the animals are going to Dillon's house for the weekend. And when Nikki's mom gets back from Oklahoma, they're going back to Nashville with her.

This was a boring post.

What I'm saying is...

I'm not cut out for this.



Aside from the fact that this is one of my favorite movies of all time, this is pretty relevant and accurate. I could say all the things that are wrong right now, but I've gone over it in my head so many times that it just seems redundant now. I know the next 5 months are going to be a very tiny portion of the rest of my life, but I still have to live through it. Day. By. Day.

You ever just want to go to sleep and never wake up?

Yeah.

Ionevencare

I just found out my mom threw away my watercolor. It was on a paper plate as a palette, and it was little dry globs of paint all around the edge, so I guess I see how she thought it was trash cuz the paint was "dried up," but watercolor is MEANT TO BE THAT WAYYY! D; I'm really quite devastated. I've had that paint for two years and it was some damn good watercolor. :/

Anyway, I want to talk about my last few days in order. Gotta keep shit organized.

The other day I kinda got to hang out with (cousin)Nick a little. He offered for me to hang out with him and some friends in downtown Nashville and then go to the mall later. I agreed because it got me out of going to a little kids' basketball game. I was really worried at first because I was expecting it to be awkward and uncomfortable because I thought a certain someone was going to be there too. But he wasn't, so it was all good. I was with Nick, his girlfriend, and her friend Courtney. While in Downtown, I texted Nikki and told her to come to Downtown. Mostly because I didn't want to spend my entire day with a bunch of high school kids. So, Nikki came Downtown, and we "buried" her fish in the river. (Her fish "Isaac" died a couple days before). I gave the parting words, "That'll do, fish." And that was that. Haha.

Then I left with Nikki and we went to the mall. My cousin and his entourage were at the mall too, but we just weren't all together. Nikki and I were total girls and looked at shoes and clothes. Then we went to BK and later Walmart, and my cousin just so happened to be at Walmart too. We didn't plan that.

At Walmart, Nikki ran into these two dudes that she knew from high school. They were absolutely fried. One of them didn't say anything, and the one that did talk when Nikki introduced me and said "We live together" the guy asked, "Are you two... *crossed his fingers*" Implying that we were "together." And we said no, then he said, "Aww, cuz if you were that would be adorable." Haha. THen Nikki said, "Yes, we are a cute little interracial lesbian couple." I guess we might as well be. Everyone seems to think we are. Ionevencare. Ha.

Nana was mad when Nick and I got home because it was 11:30 and she thought he was passed curfew (he's 17). The next morning we explained to her that on the weekend, for seventeen-year-old's, curfew is midnight.

Um... then I came home yesterday and hung out with my friend Nick (as opposed to my cousin. I know, I know too many Nicks). I call him Fonz on here as to not get him confused. So, Fonz and I watched From Dusk Til Dawn, Fight Club, and Hesher. And we played games on his Kindle Fire. I was actually winning at Battleship, but we never finished playing. He beat me at checkers and Reversi. I lose at everything. Haha. Again, Ionevencare.

Today I dyed my hair. Same color as always, but it always surprises me how dark it is. It looks pretty black at the moment, but it'll fade to a nice dark brown in a week or so.

Now I have to do laundry and pack all my shit so I can go back to Memphis tomorrow.

I know I'm forgetting stuff cuz I typed this quickly, but oh well. This'll do for now.

I don't want there to be nothing

Questions and Answers

Well, I came here to spend time with my cousin, but he'd rather spend time with his girlfriend, and I know I totally ruined his bro time with Pamp cuz they hang out every single day (but not since I'm here... ruining everything). Perhaps I shouldn't have come here at all. Nana is enjoying my company though.

But since Nick isn't hear and Nana is watching tv, I'm at a loss of things to do. So, Ima do some surveys to pass the time...

Cherry Red

I guess the first thing I'm going to address is my "boy problems" cuz I'm in middle school. Nate is back at school, which means he's back to ignoring me. I guess I should have expected it, but I kind of thought this time would be different? Last night when I went to sleep, I texted him telling him good night, but I intentionally made it sound disconnected and uninterested because that's exactly how I felt. So, this morning I woke up with 5 messages from him saying good night, good morning, and what he's been doing today. Haha, that doesn't really make up for anything... at all.
- - -

Is that your "can-you-see-I'm-over-you" smile?
Well, baby, I will bury you if this is gonna be awhile

And Pamp is acting like he's still in high school. Oh, wait! Because he is. I should have known better a year ago. His Facebook status says, "fuck today it was shit pretty good morning during third went to shit got worse and worse and leveled out at the end here im not mad anymore and she thinks we can be friends im not even replying to that that last parts a whole separte matter that doesnt effect my mood" from last night. All I said to him was, "Hey, Pamp" when he walked in the room, and he blatantly ignored me. Lol. So, I took the hint. At least now he's one less thing to worry about.

I'm tired of feeling stupid. I liked myself better when I was just me. I don't like getting attached to people. I especially hate people getting attached to me.

Last night, when Nick (my cousin, who I am here to hang out with) got home from school, he had his entourage with him (his girlfriend, her friend, and Pamp). They all went to PetCo to pet kittens... Nick invited me, but with the elephant that would have been in the room, I didn't want to intrude. Besides, it's cold as fuck outside, and I didn't want to go back out there. When he got home (alone), he didn't seem to be in the best of moods, so he went up to his room. I didn't see him for the rest of the night...

My day has hardly started today, so I'm going to save this as a draft and finish it tonight.

Tonight: Nick wasn't allowed to have his entourage today because we went to eat at Mikado (a Japanese steak house). It was delicious and we had the same chef as last time we went months ago, so it was a good show too. Um... I got my hair cut today. I guess that's not too exciting. It's slightly different but more of what I've always strived for. So, I'm happy with it. Nick went to bed a little after 8, so I don't know what to do with the rest of my night. Nate told me this semester of college is boring already. I know it's because that girl he's infatuated with isn't there this semester. Meh.

I'm tired of caring about things, so I'm just gonna go back to not caring. I'm always calm and "naive" on the outside. Like I've said, I only ever talk about this stuff here. Nobody else knows. As it should be.

But anyway, I guess I have nothing else to say. I think I'll do some writing and waste away on Tumblr for the rest of the night.

It's been a long December...

I'm trying to keep up with this thing, but it's becoming a chore again. It's not that I have nothing to say, it's just that I never feel like it. I really need to get out the "I don't feel like it" mindset. Fucking procrastination.

So, last night I saw Nate for the last time until, I dunno, spring break. Oh, wait, I haven't talked about Chicago yet, have I? I'll start with that...

Thursday, we drove to Chicago to see Caleb's graduation. He is officially a United States Sailor. Or whatever his title is... It was a 12 hour drive both ways. Sooo much car time. So, he graduated Friday and we had him from 11:30am-3pm. Then he had to go back to the base for watch duty. They just HAD to put him on watch the day he graduated. So, that pretty much fucked up all of our plans to hang out with him. We were going to go to Downtown Chicago, but we didn't have the time. After Caleb's watch ended, we picked him back up at 5:30, but he had to be back in an hour, so we literally just drove in the car the entire time. We were trying to go to Best Buy, but it was so far away, we didn't have the time to even get there... I know to him the trip was slightly disappointing, and I have to agree. But at least he got to see us and we go to see him. He wanted so badly for us to stay another night because the next day he was going to the airport at 4 in the morning and was going to be there all day until 5pm. He offered to pay for a hotel room for us to stay another night (so we could hang out with him at the airport), and I was all for it, but mom said we couldn't for some reason. I don't know why we couldn't. Nobody had to work the next day or anything. So, anyway, now Caleb is in Charleston, South Carolina, settled in at A school.

Last night, I went to Nate's aunt and uncle's house. I met his older brother's new girlfriend, Kelly. She was pretty cool. I liked her. His older brother who was in town from Connecticut cooked dinner, which was some kind of pork, risotto, succotash, and salad with a vinaigrette dressing he made himself. Have I ever said that he's an amazing cook? I wasn't so much a fan of risotto... And now, I'm not sure I could ever eat any of that food again, although it was good, without getting sick because...

I got a migraine while I was there. A migraine is never "just a headache." Migraine is the only time in my life when I feel death is the only solution. I can't escape the pain and sickness fast enough... So, I had the headache for awhile, but the nausea didn't start until we all sat down to watch the movie Flyboys (excellent movie by the way), then I suffered for the next 3 hours. I didn't want to ask Nate to take me home because a)I wanted him to have the best time possible and to see the movie and hang out with his family and aunt and uncle for as long as possible, and b)I really wanted to finish the movie. If it's got James Franco in it, I'm in! Ha. So, after the movie, I said bye to the family, and Nate drove me home. I feel so bad because it was our last night together, and I was doubled-over in the passenger seat trying my best not to cry. (I cannot stress enough just how bad my migraines are). When we stopped for gas, I could hear him on the phone with his mom (who is a nurse) outside the car asking her about it. How cute. And when I was saying goodbye, I couldn't get many words out because the more I talked, the more acid came up my throat, and I was just overwhelmed with nausea. So, instead of coming in for awhile like usual, he just dropped me off and drove back home. I texted him and told him about how there was a lot more I wanted to say, and it sucks that the damned sickness ruined the rest of our plans. He was completely understanding though. That's all I ever ask for in relationships: understanding.

Yeah, and so with all that said, here I'm about to make a big deal out of something that probably isn't a big deal. You know why? Because I am both fortunate and unfortunate enough to be a girl.

Now, let me go off on a tangent first: The character flaw I hate the most in almost everyone is when people make big deals out of things that aren't big deals. Very few things are actually worth the effort of being a "big deal." This to me is a bit of a big deal because it kinda hits me personally. But, I'm going to be the non-confrontational, over-analyzing, jump-to-conclusions girl that I am. So, this is the only place and time that I will mention this. I will keep it in my head and on this blog as I always tend to do. I mostly hate it because it's Facebook-related. And I HATE anything that stems from Facebook and not in-person interactions.

Now, with that big introduction, here's the stupid reason that I am slightly upset: On Facebook, Nate has removed me from his relationship. So, instead of saying "In a relationship with Hayley Warf," it just says "In a relationship." If I were a stupid, immature, drama-queen, I'd probably say something to him about it or ask about it, but I'm not going to do that. Yep, because that's the very passive way that I roll... Maybe if I get around to it, I'll remove him from my relationship status as well. Ha! See how he likes them apples! Heh, but I did try that and when I erased his name, it tried to erase the entire status. So, I don't know what the deal is with that...

It just kinda makes me wonder why he doesn't want people to know. I'm very aware that he talks to a lot of girls at his school. And I know for a fact that he's infatuated with one of them. I'm a little more observant than I appear to be, and I have a hell of a way of finding things out. That doesn't really bother me. I've always been pretty confident in my relationship. But of course, with the long-distance will bring back all the doubts and stress from before. Makes me question whether I should have ended it, though the opportunity never came up there towards the end...

Being in a relationship sometimes tends to make feel useless and worthless at times. I guess I actually always preferred being single because it's what I'm used to.

Blah, and this is me being moody.

I started writing this post at 5pm, but saved it and came back to it at 10. So, you know, this didn't all happen at the drop of a hat. Ha. Still though...

Anyway, to change the subject, I'm going to Nana's house tomorrow for the rest of the week. That should be a good vacation from vacation. Ha. Or it may stress me out further. Who knows.

Just Try

I spent this year as a ghost and I'm not sure what I'm looking for
I'm a voice on a phone that you rarely answer anymore
I came in here alone
Came in here alone
But that doesn't scare me like it did seven months ago
I spent this year as a ghost and I'm not sure where home is anymore

I got the only thing I wanted for Christmas: contacts. Now I don't have to hide my face behind giant inconvenient glasses anymore. There was a time I liked to be hidden behind them, but now I just can't stand them. Contacts are kind of hard to get used to. I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore! D: Ha, but that's a good thing.

So, I spent New Year's eve with Nate. He stayed the night. Then I spent New Years day with him. I had my very first New Years kiss ever. I mean, it wasn't anything special to be quite honest. It was a normal thing.

The other night, after I came home from his house, he stayed at my house for 5 hours. We talked. Literally for 5 whole hours. It was very refreshing. We talking about everything under the sun: politics, beliefs, government, the world and space in general, psychology, philosophy. Just stating our opinions. We differ so drastically in our beliefs. He's a Christian and I'm an "atheist" (I hate the term, but it's really the simplest one to use). We talked about that a lot. He kept holding back as to not offend me even though I told him that no matter what he says I will not get offended. Very little things offend me. I really don't know what we even have in common... We both like to watch movies. That's about it haha. I'm glad he likes to watch movies as much as I do, though, because I have no idea what we would do otherwise. Anyway, I'm digressing...

And last night, Nate and I saw the lights at the Opryland Hotel. I guess this requires a bit of explaining for anyone who doesn't live in TN. The Opryland Hotel is this giant, grand hotel right next to the famous Grand Ole Opry. Every holiday season, they set up an enormous display of Christmas lights. It's lovely really. It's really something to see in person. The inside of the hotel itself, lights or not, is quite a spectacle. I got to see Nikki while I was there too. She met up with us there.

So, if you haven't noticed (you have), I've been spending a lot of time with Nate. I've decided I'm not going to end it with him, unless by some chance, he brings it up. And I know he's not going to do that. I'm not so unhappy anymore. I don't know what I was going through, but I'm not so completely distant anymore. And I realized I do still like him, so things are staying the way they are for the time being.

The prospect of being single again does sound thrilling, but I really don't need that kind of distraction in my life right now.

And earlier he sent me this 4-page text: I'm playing zelda at the moment and getting very frustrated I'm about to just watch tv lol. Ok hayley baby uno what...... I really wana just say no one has ever made me happier than you have. And truthfully our relationship is the most different I've ever had, that's a good thing by the way. By now we would have had sex a shit ton and the relationship would be based on that. But it's not and that's one of the things that makes it special. The main thing that does is you. :) But yea I hope you feel the same in since instances uno and yea I just wanted to tell you that.

The ending there didn't make sense, and I couldn't figure out what he actually meant to say there, but whatever. I just could never break his heart. And I don't want to anymore. (I never wanted to, but I thought it was inevitable).

I'm one of those "nice girls" your mother will love. And I'm totally awesome. B) It's nice to have someone who recognizes that. Haha. And you know I'm not actually conceited. But I do think I'm awesome. But of course I'd think that, I like all the same things as me!

It's going to be hard again in about a week when I spend the week at Nana's house. I know I'm going to see Pamp. Possibly every day. (Unless he wants nothing to do with me, which is possible). Cue the song "All Over You" by The Spill Canvas.

As for resolutions, I have none. I never do. I don't like to set myself up for failure more than I already do.



What Happened In the Past Year???
How many relationships were you in?
Two.

What did you do for Valentine's day?
Nothing at all.

Did you receive your driver's license?
No...

Did you graduate high school?
Yes! It was a great night.

Did you graduate college?
I started.

Did you move out on your own?
Yes. Kinda.

Did you get arrested?
Never.

Did you get a speeding ticket?
Nope.

What was the best thing you got for Christmas?
Contacts!

Did you fall in love?
"I swear I don't believe in love. This is as close as I can come."
I don't know what love is.

Did you become an aunt or an uncle?
Been one.

Did you have a baby?
Hell no.

Did you get engaged?
Definitely no.

Did you get married?
Absolutely not.

Did someone close to you die?
No!

How many funerals did you go to?
Zero!

How many weddings?
Zero.

Did you turn 18?
Indeed, I did.

Did you turn 21?
Did you turn 30?
Did you have a car accident?
No!

Were you old enough to vote this year?
Yes! But there was nothing to vote for. I'm putting in my ballot for President this year though.

How many jobs did you have throughout the year?
None.

Did you get a new pet?
Well... I got puppies... then they got stolen.

Did you get cheated on?
Not that I'm aware of.

Did you cheat on someone?
Never.

Did you start at a new school?
Yes. Most miserable time of my life.

Did you make any new friends?
I deed.

Did you get a new car?
Nah.

Did you drastically change your hairstyle?
Um, yeah kinda I guess. I cut it shorter than ever before. Not sure if I want to do that again this year or not.

Did you go out of the country?
Nah.

Did you keep your last New Year's resolution?
Yes, considering I didn't have one.

What was the best movie you saw in theaters?
I didn't go to the theater a lot. Hmmm, definitely Super 8!

What was the best book you read?
I don't remember any books I read last year. I was definitely slacking.... Something I hope to change this year.

What was your greatest accomplishment?
Surviving my first semester of college, passing with A's and B's (the two B's alone are great feats because those two classes were way too much to handle).

What was the best cd released this year?
Oh, man. "I'll Always Be Around" by Brighten. Hands down.

Did you get a new tattoo?
No. Almost! I need to think about it more, but this year I will probably get one. Or two.

A new piercing?
Nah.

Are you still dating the same person you dated at the start of the year?
No.

The Lasts of the Past
How old were you on your last birthday?
Eighteen.

Who was your last kiss?
Nathan.

Who was the last person to tell you "I love you"?
Uh... Mom or dad.

Who was the last person you spoke to in person?
Today... Mom.

Who was your last missed call?
Nikki.

Who was your last phone call to?
Nana.

What was the last movie you watched?
Hesher \m/

The last song you heard?
I suppose the one I'm listening to now? "Apprehension" by Manchester Orchestra.

The last book you read?
I don't knowww... I'm seriously disappointed in myself.

The last place you went?
Opryland hotel.

The last time you cut your hair?
Back in October or something.

The color of the last shirt your wore?
I'm wearing a black one now...

The last person you hugged?
Nathan.

The last thing you bought?
With my own money? Clothes.

The last time you went to the doctor?
I dunno. I think early last year.

The last time you went swimming?
Summer, of course.

The last game you played?
Some block game on my phone.

The last person's house you went to?
Nathan's...

The last un-related guy you hung out with?
Nate. And Fonz. They're the only people I hang out with anyway.

The last un-related girl you hung out with?
Nikki.

The last family member you hung out with?
Ryan and Johnny.

The last movie you saw in theaters?
That new Sherlock Holmes movie. Mmmm Jude Law...

The last time you went to Walmart?
About 5 days ago.

The last time you went to Burger King?
Last time I hung out with Fonz. A little over a week ago.

The last time you went on vacation?
I'm on vacation! At home...

The last restaurant you went to?
Waffle House.

The last thing you ate?
Pizza.

The last thing you drank?
Cheerwine. (I never drink soda, but I figure I'm on vacation and Cheerwine and Sprite are the only soft drinks worth drinking, so why not).

The Firsts of the New Year
Who was the first person you kissed?
Nathan.

Who was the first person you told "I love you" to?
Daddy.

Who was the first person you spoke to?
Nate.

Who was your first phone call to/from?
ughhsjdjlfasjfa who cares

Where was the first place you went?
Nate's house as I have already established.

What was the first thing you bought?
I haven't bought anything yet. No mas dinero.

Who was the first person to wish you "Happy New Year!"?
I dunno, I guess Nate maybe.

What was the first thing you ate?
Cinnamon rolls that I made with my very own hands.

The first thing you drank?
Honestly I think it was Four Loko.

What color was the first shirt you wore?
These questions are pissing me.

What were the first shoes you wore?
Who gives a fuck? holy shit

What was the first electronic (not computer or cell) device you used?
asldfjasldkjfasd

What was the first movie you watched?
The Other Guys.

What was the first song you heard?
Who was the first girl you hung out with?
Who was the first guy?
The first relative?
What was the first thing you did when it became the new year?
What the Future Year Has In Store
What are you most looking forward to in the New Year?
Are you getting married this year?

Are you expecting a child?
Fuck no.

Will you be getting a new job?
Possible.

Will you be starting a new school?
I'm definitely going to try to.

Will you be moving to a new place?
If the new school thing works out, then yes.

Will you get your driver's license this year?
God, I hope so.

Will you turn 18?
I wish! "We're gonna stay eighteen forever, so we can live like this forever..."

Will you turn 21?
Will you turn 25?
Will you turn 30?
Will you turn 40?

Are you going on a vacation this year?
Man, if my dreams came true, I'd go to Crystal River, Florida, and swim with some mofuckin manatees.

What movie are you most looking forward to coming out this year?
No idea... I'm sure there will be lots of good ones.

What book?
I haven't been keeping up with books lately.

What music album?
If Brand New releases a new album that's all my entire year will need.

Do you expect to find love this year?
I don't know how to answer this. No.

Did you make a New Year's resolution?
Nein.

Have you kept it so far?
Damn, it's only the 4th. If someone has already failed their resolution, they are full retard.

Will you be going to a wedding this year?
Hell if I know.

Will you get a new car?
Wouldn't that be great.

Will you buy a house this year?
No.

Do you expect to be with the same person at the end of the year?
I have no idea.

Are you starting the year off single?
Obviously not.

What do you most want to happen this year?
I want to make it through this semester with as little stress and highest grades possible. And I want to transfer to a different school and I want that school to be significantly better. I just want to be happy.

What are you most excited about this year?
Not much... yet...


So, these aren't resolutions, but this year I hope to be more artistic and poetic and to read more books and to most of all procrastinate much less and to just try.