Too proud to swallow my pride

I don't know where to place my anger and it's exhausting. I'm worried but not really worried about which outlets to turn to. How's that quote go? " I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke."

I know David doesn't realize how much his carelessness affects how I feel about the relationship, so I suspect it will be a huge blow to him if things were to end. But he's also more selfish than he realizes, and, hopefully he learns from all this just as I have.

But I'm stubborn and fucking sick of second chances, so the damage is by far irreparable at this point.

I may be out of this shitty place and this shitty state of mind in a couple weeks.

I'm likely moving back to my dad's soon just to recalibrate.  I hate all of my options, but at least that one won't leave me lying in bed angry every night.

It's going down

Right now I'm trying to go to bed. There are a bunch of people in the house. It's nearly 11pm. David left to go join them and they are being loud as fuck. I hate this. I hate every time. And it's often.

And, as unfair as it is, I resent David for all of this.

I resent him for me living here. For these shitty roommates. For these sleepless nights. For having to give up my other dog whom I love in order to uproot and move here. For living too far from my job and having to deal with the worst traffic.

For nothing ever changing...

I've had a lot on my mind all day. I've been feeling guilty for... Well, the way I feel. But I've also been contemplating how this will all go down when it inevitably all goes down.

Far

I'm moving forward with my plan to get out. Actively. Time and money is already being invested.

I'm pretty set on not moving to the new house with the roommates. I finally found an apartment that will allow my dog. I'm getting out of here as soon as I can.

I'm unsure how this will affect my relationship with David, but, if I'm being honest, I'm not entirely hopeful. I feel like my eyes have been opened to the way things are. Some days I feel guilty for how I feel. Some days I want to make it work. But most days I feel numb to it all.

The other night we had a conversation after he used the word "complacent" in place of "unsatisfied/unhappy/restless" when referring to a friend. I disagreed with his definition in the particular context (which is what ignited the debate). I don't believe complacent can be interchangable with unhappy. I think it just means being comfortable with the status quo. Neither happy nor unhappy; so, unwilling/unmotivated to change anything. And this, I feel, is his attitude toward the relationship. He is comfortable.

I'm not.

I've expressed my complaints with him. I've explained my unhappiness. Maybe not in detail, but at least he knows. And I'm met with apathy. It seems my concerns are simply shrugged off.

If you think I'll "get over it," you're right; I will. But you won't like the way I choose to get over it.

And so I have a lot on my mind.

And so my mind wanders.

Far.

25

I'm 25 now. Nothing is different, of course. Obviously, I don't feel any different.

"In fact, everything is just about the same."

My birthday was a slew of emotions: disappointment, surprise, uncertainty. There was a tinge of thankful. I appreciate those who thought about me...

And, Sam, thanks for throwing me that bone, I guess. But, really, you don't have to talk to me when you don't want to.  I never understood why you ghosted me, but I do understand why you stayed away.

David took me to dinner. My family had a get-together the next day. I blew off a few friends because I just haven't been feeling up for it.

I found an apartment that I can move into with Bear. Now I just need to find a roommate. The expenses will be a struggle, but maybe I'll be happier...

Almost anything would be better than how I'm living now. And at this point, I'm expecting the move to distance the relationship, and I have run out of any energy to save it.

I get so tired of feeling this way.