Apply Some Pressure

I like to wait to see how things turn out if you apply some pressure.

I like Jack because there's no pressure. I don't think I've ever felt any kind of pressure from him. Not to be with him or sleep with him. Nothing.

I feel pressure from other people. So much pressure. It's hard to keep up appearances around them. It's hard to pretend like this is what I want. I don't know what I want, but I don't want this... I'm getting tired. I'm spread too thin. I'm overwhelmed.

It's getting harder to keep up with my lies, of which I've had a lot lately. I just want to make everyone happy all the time, and they take advantage of that. I don't think a lot of these people consider me. I tell them I'm busy, and then they make me feel guilty for not having time for them.

I testify to having guilty feelings. I must confess I'd like to be caught stealing.

I do feel guilty. And reasonably so! I'm too tired to get into right this moment, but if these people knew, they'd all hate me. Perhaps that would be for the best. I'm trying to keep my secrets from each other, but they're all too nearby...

I've pretty much decided (and I think I knew this all along) that I'm just going to let these things build up (and, hell, probably apply more pressure...) until at least August when I graduate. Ideally I'd like to start over, per se, and hopefully be able to leave a lot of these problems behind.

A thing about Jack though is that I feel like it is getting too real. When I go back to town for school, I stay at his house more often than my own. One night I was over there, and he was telling Matt some psycho thing his ex girlfriend was doing. And then he said another ex was also crazy. Matt said something along the lines of, "That's 3 for 3, all the girls you date are crazy... Hayley, are you crazy?" I responded "maybe." But, here's the over-analyzing girl part: are we dating? I never thought we were. I still don't think we are.

One morning over there (it may have been the very next morning from the previous anecdote), we were getting into his car so he could take me to school, and the conversation out the door was about a woman who has been trying to sleep with him for ages. She invited him (and Matt, I think) to some event/party something she was having. He said she included "Bring your girlfriend" and he followed with "So, I guess she has caught on."

So, I guess that's the nature of our relationship...

And, I don't know, I like Jack. I'm sure I'm so drawn to him because, for once, it seems like someone who doesn't like me more than I like them. Everyone else likes me way more (and obsessively) than I like them... they always have... Jack likes me, I guess. <--And that's my favorite part about it: I guess. For all I know, I'm just a good lay to him. But I don't feel so used, and he's a genuinely decent person.

I'm tired of keeping up appearances like I like someone else more than I do.

Sleeping Alone

I have a minute to write, but I don't have my thoughts together.

I stayed this weekend with Jack mostly. It was a pretty good weekend. It's always nice to spend time with him now because it's different, but it's comfortable. It's different because it's almost like we're in a relationship, but we're not. I don't act with him the way I do with someone I'm in a relationship with. It's more detached and less affectionate. And that's kind of what makes it nice because I'm not really in a good place right now to be in an actual relationship. As it is right now, I have no emotions, and that is becoming more apparent the deeper I get into this hole I'm digging in my life. It's comfortable because of the thing I said about him a couple posts ago. I know if I ever say "no," he will respect it. I typically don't say no to him though. I hate getting into specifics when it comes to intimate moments with people, but due to recent events, this fact about Jack makes him so much more appealing and comfortable to be around. It's also comfortable because, at this point, it's familiar. Most, if not all, of the awkwardness is gone by now.

(I started this post on Sunday and am finishing it now).

Lately I feel like I have no escape, and I really just want to be alone and sleep alone because that's as close I can get.

Baby, I've been sleeping alone, and you should try it. Since I've been alone, I like it.

I've always liked being alone. I'm reverting back into that more and more lately. I just don't want to be around people all the time. I talk to so many people every single day now, and it's exhausting. I have so many people pining for my time, and I'm trying so hard to please everyone. They never understand when I can't. I shouldn't feel guilty about it, but I do, which is why I try to give them what they want even if it's not what I want.

I'm having serious financial problems... I'm about to empty my bank account on rent this month. Max lent me $200 because I don't have nearly enough money in my bank account since rent is at its highest this month, the last month I'll ever have to pay here as I'm moving out at the end of it... I didn't ask him for the money. I was going to try to figure out how to use my credit card (can you get cashback at the store with a credit card? I don't know how to adult), but he sent me the money via PayPal when I casually told him about my plans on how to get the money... He has been doing a ton of things for me lately when I don't ask him for anything. I rarely ask him for rides anymore. I have barely seen him since school has been out... I have been especially mean to him when he freaks out on me, yet he is still trying so hard. Just another thing to make me feel guilty for being who I am.

People change. Maybe I've lost my way. I know a younger me wouldn't believe that I'd become the way I am, but doesn't that go for everyone?

I just realized that because this vague thing I won't talk about is making me feel this way, it's probably no good. It's just one thing, but it's a big thing. And I'm really not sure why I don't want to talk about it. It's nothing this blog has never heard from me before except that it's a new person, a new setting, and a whole new set of doubts. Most of them are generated from the overlapping that is occurring in my life, but it's also from my dishonesty and bad decisions and overwhelming guilt. It's all just bad timing like everything in my life.

I started my summer class today (yesterday if you're referring to the time stamp on this post). It's already 2am and I haven't done the homework that's due tomorrow. I'm already fucking up! I'm tired as hell, too, despite the super long nap I took after class.

My internship is going really well. I start my second internship in July! I'm excited about it. It feels good being a working and productive member of society, I guess. I'm mostly just glad I have somewhere to go all day that keeps my mind off of my personal life. Mostly, though, I like going where I feel needed and appreciated. I've learned that I'm the stereotypical "I choose my career over relationships" girl, and I'm okay with that. It makes me feel validated; whereas, interpersonal relationships make me feel empty.