Things I Wish I Could Say

To the boy: I don't know how to say this without sounding stupid... or at least without feeling stupid for saying it out loud. I've been struggling to feel.  I want to like you.  And I do.  But I want to really feel something more for you.  I just don't feel that strong connection. I don't feel that chemistry.  There are so many things about you that I'm here for. I want to feel that potential for love... but it's all physical.  

- - -

To the past: We got our shot, and we did what we did with it.  I just don't think I'll ever feel secure again. I can't put the guard down now; I only just finished putting it all back up! 

I thought I needed to have this conversation in person but don't think I'd be able to get it all out that way.  I am definitely too weak to hold it all together while releasing this pain.

You have no idea how the past 6 months have affected me. When you left,  I was shattered. I was sure you didn't like or love me anymore. My anxiety went through the roof while my self-esteem dropped to the floor. I felt used and worthless. I cried for weeks every second I found myself alone.  I slept on the couch for 3 months.  I quit eating and could only get artificial sleep through alcohol or benadryl. 

I shut off.

And I can't just turn back on like flipping a switch. I can't just pretend like the last 6 months didn't happen. Learning that maybe you still care is not a cure-all for how I've felt, and you telling me that you still care doesn't make me believe it.  A few words aren't going to fix anything. I do still love you (I never stopped), and I do believe that we could be happy together.  But I can't just jump back into it like it's new and exciting.  I can't help but to be cautious because I can't handle anther 6 months like the last. 

I can't believe it was just about the job. There had to be more.  I wasn't worth trying for over other reasons than solely a job. And I won't do long distance ever again.  I was against it from the beginning  and tried for you anyway; and that was the most miserable I was through the entire relationship.  I barely count that month as part of being in the relationship because it didn't feel like much of one at all. I was heavily considering ending things at that time but couldn't bring myself to do it because deep down I still cared and tried to convince myself things would get better.  I should have known that has quite literally NEVER worked out for me. But I was blindsided by you ending it first.  And that is why I will remain cautious and guarded as long as I need to.  I can't help it.