If I Only Had the Heart

The nerve, the words, you'd think by now I would have learned.

I'm perfectly okay with being alone. I've accepted it and I like it. And, as a matter of fact, I prefer it.

I don't really know what to talk about since the last time I posted. This is going to be in no order.

N(H.) has subtly expressed interest last time I hung out with him. Wants to give me a ride on his bike when he gets another helmet. Heh. That probably won't happen. I'm going to keep a strictly platonic and not-hanging-out-other-than-by-chance relationship with him. No need to drag him back into the mess of my indecisiveness.

I went to Murfreesboro over the weekend and had a pretty great time. I stayed at Logan's new house and met his roommates. They're all cool dudes. I visited MTSU* and visited a few places around town. I'm getting more excited and less nervous about going there.

*Of course, now mom is saying I may not be able to go if we can't afford it. The thing about college is I don't have to pay it all now... that's what I'm getting debt for! That's the privilege of furthering one's education! Bah. I don't want to have to take a year off from school because of money... I don't want to get behind more so than I already am.

So I don't really see where she's coming from.

Random:
My mom always says about anyone that her kids get involved with that she doesn't see them amounting to anything. Or going anywhere in life. Or some form of the same sentiment. She says it about all the guys I hang out with (She never said it about Nate though), and she recently said it about the girl Caleb talks to. It's really annoying actually. I think she gets it from Nana. Nana acts like that: No one is ever good enough for her grandkids. This whole thing was just a bit of a rambling tangent, but she just said something that made me think of it. It makes me hate introducing people to her or answering questions about the guys I hang out with. I don't want her to know any of my business.

Oh, this kind of stems from the new family drama news that my cousin Nick's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant. I wasn't too surprised when I found out, but I did think he was smarter than that. Nana's all bent out of shape about it, as well as my aunt (his mom). There's no point in getting so upset over something that has already happened. The only thing to do now is accept it and make the best of it. I wish other people understood that.  Nick told me about it first, so I felt weird keeping it from everyone else. But now the whole family is in the know, and it's a huge deal...

I hung out with Robert for a few days last week. These younger guys are always so slick. So they think. I do like him, but he got pretty close, and it made me realize FOR SURE that I am not ready for a relationship right now. I didn't think this would happen. Pamp told me awhile ago that whenever I broke up with Nate, I would use the excuse that I just got out of a long relationship and don't want another one for awhile. I told him that wouldn't happen, but he was so fucking right. Of course, I'm still talking to him. He even knows about all this...

When I told Robert that I don't want a relationship, it seemed to have come as quite a blow. Well, I guess it's about time he learns just how frustrating I can be. "The sooner you realize..."

I think I'm finally going to hang out with Michael again this weekend. I've had to cancel on him the last two weekends in a row. But I actually want to hang out with him. He's a good guy and fun to be around and knows his boundaries and doesn't get upset when I don't want to date him right now. I'm not saying I never would. Just like the other guys I hang out with who I happen to like, I just don't want to date ANYONE right now. He seems to understand that better than the others. Plus, the whole actual "good guy" thing makes me like him a little more. I'm so used to the company of drinkers, smokers, junkies, and jailbirds that it's nice to hang out with someone more like me for once.

My time is very much in high demand lately. I wish everyone knew how much I like to be alone. I'm getting so wore out and exhausted with seeing people every. single. day.

Friday I'll be hanging out with Dillon maybe. And possibly Nikki too. And Sunday I'm going to the river, and will be hanging out with only family, so that should be nice.

Lately, I kinda feel like I'm on some sort of dating show. There are too many options, and I don't want any of this right now. Why can't people just hang out with me to be my friend? :/ I did hang out with Fonz yesterday. It was nice. I needed that. We saw the Abraham Lincoln movie. It was pretty good. We went to Walmart at midnight and hung out with some people (his friends mostly).

This is one of those few rare moments when I wish I had more female friends. Too bad I'm so sexist... I did hang out with DavRicia for about an hour last Friday. We had "girl talk." Meaning I told her things that I've never told anyone. But, hey, she asked... Anyway, it was actually pretty nice. I need more of that. I can talk to her about things that I wouldn't feel comfortable telling any guy. I have things I want to talk about that no guy would want to hear. Because all the guys I hang out with like me in some way, and these things will bother them. I'm not going to do that to them.

I've come to these realizations lately: I am actually pretty sexist against women. I am in a relationship with myself. It's awesome. I may look like a girl, but I'm not going to act like one.

I like being one of the "bros" for now. Maybe one of these days I'll be able to hang out with "the girls" whoever they may be.

This post was long overdue.

Changes

I'm ready to talk about it now...

So, baby, this is freedom

And I'm not sure if I like it.

Perhaps I see something different in the picture than what's intended. I see how I feel. Except John Lennon is anybody else. Not somebody else. Anybody else.

I've realized that I'm just not ready.

Bound

I always feel like writing when nothing happens. And when a lot has happened, I never feel like writing.

Things have happened.

Right now I'm feeling pretty sick.

Let's see... I went to my dad's house for a little over a week. It's hard being borderline Amish. Hell, if he actually was Amish, it would have been less boring. At least there would be butter to churn for something to do. I had fun when I was spending time with people. There are a lot of stories I could tell. I'd tell them if I were in a writing mood.

I came home for, like, one day that week and met Robert in person. Then I hung out at The Open Hand (a coffee shop type place, I guess is a fair enough way to describe it), with him and some other people for the rest of the day. Everyone there I had met for the first time that day. They were all really cool, and I had a good time.

So, then I went back to my dad's, and it was so super boring during the day when I was the only one home. If I have an internet connection, I don't get bored alone. But with no phone, cable, or internet, there wasn't a damn thing to do. I literally listened to music and stared at a wall for hours on end. Literally. That's not an exaggeration at all.

I hung out with Nick(H). He's been real dodgy lately. I'm not trying to win his affection. Not anymore anyway. But I feel like he purposely ignores me. When he shows up, he'll shake everyone's hand, but he'll completely walk past me. We used to hug each other in welcome and goodbye. Not anymore. I stayed up all night with him one night though, when he was willing to actually talk to me. We didn't talk about much. I can't say I'm really sad about all this because all I would do is hurt him again. Not intentionally, but I'm glad it doesn't have to come to that now. I guess he knows that, which is why he's keeping his distance. 

So, I gathered Fonz and Logan and dragged them to Open Mic Night at The Open Hand on Tuesday. It wasn't too bad except some woman brought, like, five little kids and they were running rampant the whole time. It's not a daycare... Anyway. Then Robert came over the next day and hung out and we had a good time. Watched movies and Moral Orel and talked about stuff and things.

Usually, I'd talk about what's been on my mind lately, and, believe me, there has been a lot, but I just don't feel like writing anymore tonight. No idea when the next is that I'll update. But, until then...

Mustard

I really need to get this all down before I leave. I'm heading to my dad's for a few days.

I went to my high school's graduation and had a gay old time. I went with Logan. He wasn't planning on going, but I guess he decided to go because I said I had no one to go with. Dann managed to find me there. I haven't seen him in about 3 years, so it was weird that he recognized me from behind. I was standing up at the bleachers, and I heard someone behind me call my name, and it was him. He looked the same, except with a shaved head. He acted exactly how I expect him to: very inappropriately. Nate told me that day that he was getting off work early to go to graduation so I may see him there. I joked with Dann that if Nate showed up, I was going to sit in Dann's lap and pretend I was there with him. Dann, of course, had no problem with this and would have done it regardless of Nate's presence lol.

Oh, while the ceremony was going on, there was a fight between two girls right behind us. The cops broke it up, and they had to call an ambulance for one girl who was knocked out on the ground. Trash is what they are. How can people not act fucking civilized?

In the end, Nate never showed up because he couldn't get off work. That was a relief.

As soon as the ceremony was over, I tried to find my newly-graduated friends in the crowd. It was hard... I found John though! He was the main one I was looking for anyway. I congratulated him on beating the final boss. I tried to find Josh but never did. I saw Spencer, a friend who I graduated with. I feel bad because I didn't find CJ either, and I could have said hey to him and the rest of his family since I know them and all.

Afterwards, Logan, Dann, and I went to Sonic for some food. It was fun. Nate called Logan because he was off work, and I told Logan not to say he was with me. But he did tell Nate he was at Sonic, and I was like, "noooo what if he comes here?" But Nate was at BK with Spencer, so it's all good. Logan and I told Nate that we didn't hang out (because I guess Logan owes a loyalty to both of us and we figured it would just make Nate upset that Logan was hanging out with me and Nate wasn't).

I've been hanging out with Fonz a lot. We drove an hour just to eat at Fazoli's one night. It was the first time I had Fazoli's. I wish we had one in town cuz their food is pretty good.

I really don't remember what I was going to say here.

Mom is in Europe for the next 10 days. She's going to London and Italy and I don't even know where. I have a list of all the hotels she'll be in on which dates.

So, I'm about to go to my dad's house for the next few days.

I hung out with Michael the other day. We saw Men in Black 3 and it was actually pretty good. We played pool afterwards. We made a bet beforehand that if he won, he got a kiss. I was supposed to come up with something for me to get if I won, but I kinda sorta expected to lose, and he kinda sorta expected to win anyway. But I won! By pure luck, I won (I suck at pool; I really do). So, we sat in his car and talked for like 2+ hours. That was cool. Then we kissed anyway. It was weird cuz I've never kissed anyone except Nate, so I was being shy. But he knew that beforehand, so it's all good. Haha. I feel like I'm getting in too deep, but he knows where we stand. I told him I don't want a relationship right now and that I don't want to be thrown into another long-distance relationship, so there would be no point to even try since we're both going to go back to school in the fall. Different schools, of course. Far away from each other. So, I guess we're just having fun right now. I am anyway. If he gets his heart broken in the end, I can be partly to blame, but he knows what he's getting himself into. I've told him everything.

So... about that. I've come to realize that the playing field is now even, and it's at the point where I can get what I want. Naturally, I want it all, so I can't handle this. I'm not sure what I'm doing or where I'm going with this, but right now I'm deciding just to have fun and do what I want. I never thought I'd be this way, and I know I'm being kinda vague (<--I've always been THAT way), but I'm ready for it. I think.

I hung out with Fonz yesterday. We went to a little spring carnival that was happening in town. The carnival itself was a bit underwhelming, but I got a funnel cake and that made it all worth it. I found my wallet (it's been missing for well over 3 weeks). So we went to Walmart, and I bought $10-worth of candy. Sweet. Then we went to the movies and saw Dark Shadows. It wasn't too bad. Then we got Little Caesar's, which is pretty damn good for a damn good price. Then we hung out on the couch and internetted until we both went to sleep.

Okay, so now here I am. And I have to hurry up and get stuff packed to go to daddeh's. (no time for spellcheck. not sorry)