If you're wondering if I want you to

I want you to.

- - - - -

I just hope that this is all worth it

for you.

Because my willingness to put in the effort is there. It's potential energy right now because I don't know what to do. I've gotten myself out of the hole I put myself in, and now I'm just standing on open ground. Is it worth it to try or is it already over? The only indication I've been given is towards the latter.

I am patient.

But I can only wait for so long.

"The woman I love"

In that last post I thought I was clearing my mind. But I still have so many drafts written of things I can't say "out loud" on here.

I did just get a phone call at 4:30am. It was the same person who typically calls me at this hour, drunk, just to talk. I usually ignore the call, but tonight (this morning? I haven't slept yet) I answered it because what the hell. It was a comfortable conversation, for lack of a better description. We talk like old friends. We laughed a lot. I said "what?" a lot because he was slurring. It was nice though... for some reason. I guess it was just nice to talk to someone.

He told me a lot that he misses me. He called me the woman he loves. He always says these things. It's nice because we can talk about it so lightly. So casually. The pressure of everyone else isn't there when I talk to him. Maybe it's because we've been this way for the last four years. It has never been draining to talk to him like it is to talk to the others I've left. I don't even think about being with him anymore. I text him back when he texts and sometimes I answer his calls. We are living our own lives separately, and we run into each other about once a year. I guess I can't wait til I have that kind of relationship with the others...

I've just been feeling kind of lonely lately, and I hate to admit that because it's not me. But everyone gets lonely sometimes even if it's extremely rare.

I guess I'm only human like everyone else.

Some introspection that probably should have been kept private

I lied.

I lied in my last post about feeling better.

I lied a couple posts back about not talking about it anymore.

I have no one to talk with about these things, so I have to talk about it here. You know that. We all know that. And when something is plaguing my mind, I can't keep it in there. I mean, I can. I'm really fucking good at bottling things up, but I'm not going to do that this time. I'm going to be vague as always, but maybe I'll feel better.

I'm just going to vent about what has been on my mind lately. I've written several incomplete drafts about these things and it's best I didn't keep them hidden... or perhaps I should keep them private. Fuck it.

It's just that I feel this weird clock ticking inside of me. Before you jump to any conclusions: it's not the maternal clock. It's some sort of pining. I don't feel like myself.

All these people want to see me. I have unread messages on Facebook that I just won't open because they are invitations requesting my presence. I don't want to give it to them. I've been trying to avoid Facebook because knowing those messages are in there makes me feel anxious. And they all know I'm actively ignoring them because fucking Facebook shows that "last active x minutes ago" feature. I know this and I know they know this... I mean, I should be thankful that people want me, but I'm not. Because I've told these people how I feel and that I want to be left alone, yet they persist.

This doesn't count for everybody. This only pertains to those few who I have told no. I try to be nice and continue to speak with them, but they always have to turn it sexual. It's not cute, and I'm not smiling.

Furthermore, I'm bitter about the body I've been given. It has always been a curse. Go back and count the amount of times on this blog that I have said I was cursed over the years. This manifested at a young age and has never let up. The recurring metaphorical themes in my life are wolves and blessings that are curses.

For artists, they say to make a list of 100 things. The 100 things are the things that tend to be recurring themes in your art as far as imagery goes. I'm not really going to get into it because I doubt anyone who reads this cares as much about art history as I do, but those are among my 100 things: wolves and curses. Just one curse though... myself.

I always say I was cursed by a witch as a child. You know I was super interested in witchcraft as a kid? I didn't believe it was real, but it provided some sort of fantasy, some sort of escape. I feel weird talking about it now. I still like it casually. It was the closest thing to spirituality I ever had. But, I digress... this entire post is one digression after another.

My body is the enemy.

I love that song so much for obvious reasons.

I haven't been sleeping at night and it's pissing me off. Typically, I'd self-medicate, but I have nothing in this house with which to do that.

I haven't left this house in days, and I know that's bad for my health.

I have people reeling over me, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't fix it. I don't want to get in the way. They need to fix themselves. (This is the curse by the way). The ones who I have directly ended it with. The ones who I have directly told I don't want to carry on with them... can't move on. Why can't they move on? Because of the fucking curse!

Another recurring theme: head ghosts. You've seen where I've mentioned it before, and I'll most definitely mention it again. My ghost has crawled inside their heads. This means they can't stop thinking about me (usu. romantically). I'm always in their head. The ghost is a parasite that latches onto your brain, and there is no known cure for it yet. It just doesn't go away... It's something that happens involuntarily, not intentionally. I never wanted this. When I get involved with someone, I hold back. I hold back as much as I can for as long as I can (even with Jack, I never let go... I held back the entire time) because I don't want to infect them... they get infected anyway. And addicted. I feel like such a piece of shit talking about this. I hate talking about this because I'm not conceited (I'm actually really fucking insecure). I just think about it so much and need to get some of it out...

I'd like to let go eventually. I'd like to fully release my potential...? Is there a better way to word that? Look, I will go to my grave saying I don't need someone else to make me happy; I really, truly don't. But I'd like to meet someone who I'm comfortable taking on. Who I trust to take me on fully. I've never trusted anyone that much. I've never been confident enough that the receiving end deserved that. I've never been able to be that open with anyone.

I may have been that open with Max. We were together for a long time, but my memory and I don't speak much, and so much of that relationship is already lost on me. He remembers so much more than I do, and I mostly only remember the bad stuff.

There are other things I'd like to write down just to get it out, but I can't. Not unless I changed my URL... I could, but there's a tiny sense of security knowing this will get read... but most it's a huge sense on insecurity.

A false sense of security?

I've had this overwhelming urge to delete all of my social media profiles lately, so don't be surpised if that happens out of the blue. I haven't done it yet because I don't want to make any rash decisions... After I've slept on it for so long, it won't be rash anymore.

All that being said, there are exceptions. There are certain people who I really would like to see and spend time with. And I do need to get out of this house.

I'm meaner than my demons

"I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them."
-Oscar Wilde

My mental health is getting better. Or maybe I'm just lying to myself.

I'm coming out of the slump that I was in thanks to internal emotional manipulation. But if you tell yourself something enough, it works. Okay, it just does.

I can start moving forward. I am already. Kind of. Slowly.

Adios...

I fucking did it, dude! I didn't back out, and I'm proud of myself for that!

I mean, I still feel like the biggest piece of shit as I usually do in these situation, but I also feel a huge weight off my shoulders.

Almost a year to the day that it started, it's over.

I can check that off my "to do" list... One less thing making me anxious.



I'll tell you his real name now if you see this and you still want to know.

I'm not going to talk about it anymore

I'll be around if you ever want to be in love. I'm not waiting, but I'm willing if you call me up.

I respect and commend those who don't lose hope. Those who see the silver lining. Those who keep trying. Those who persevere.

Because I get disillusioned so very easily. I take what I perceive as a hint, and I run with that. I'm not one to spend energy on something I'm not sure of. I can't put the time into something that's not going to yield anything but disappointment or heartbreak or regret. And so, when all hope is lost, I move on without it.

As usual it's all push and no pull. (While I've got plenty of pull from all directions and it's wearing me out - they are the ones who persevere... but just don't know when to quit). And when it gets to this point, I will always quit pushing. I'm not a pushy person, and I'm not going to start. Because I know how stressful and overwhelming it is to feel that pull in the directions you wish not to go, I will not be one of them.

I get it.

And one day I'll be able to forget it.

Until then.

Never Enuff

You stopped believing in God, so he stopped believing in you. Told you to get a real job; those days in the sand are through.



I've been so anxious that I don't know what to do with myself.

I haven't been able to end it definitively with Jack, but I have managed to get a "Whenever you want to hangout again, let me know" from him because I told him I didn't want to hang out. And that's all I've been able to do for now.

And like I've stated before, if, in the end, it all turns out to be all for naught, that's okay. It's just something I've needed to do for a long time anyway.

I'm tired of feeling trapped. I'm working on that though. I just have to do one thing at a time.

I'm not working hard enough. I'm pissing myself off.

- - - - - -

So, anyway, let my try to be less depressing. I went to Live on the Green the other night to see Shakey Graves. First of all, Shakey put on a hell of a show. It may be his best performance I've seen, and this was the third time I've seen him. I still haven't met him yet though! The most exciting part was when Rayland Baxter came out unexpectedly. He's a local talent, and I love him too!

I rode to Nashville with Michael because he's pretty much the only person I hang out with regularly these days. I met up with a friend Devin and later Alec. The four of us enjoyed the show together at the FRONT of the crowd. It was a great spot, and Alec danced a lot and it was fun. Near the end of the set, I checked my phone and had a text from Max that said, "I'm standing behind you." Then I freaked out. How the fuck did he find me in a crowd of 10-15,000 people? He had to fight his way through A LOT of people to get to me... I mean... maybe it was PURE coincidence, but maybe he was looking for me the entire time. Anyway, I didn't see him until he tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around, he waved, I said,"what's up," and I turned away from him. When the show was over, he was nowhere to be found, so that was a relief.

So, I left the crowd after Shakey. I didn't want to stand in a crowd of that many people for the headliner (Lord Huron), since I don't know their music as well. I met up with an internet friend (yes, you know the site) for the first time. It was a great setting to meet someone. His name is "Jonah" and he brought his dog. I was so excited because a lot of people brought their dogs to the event, and I could finally pet one! He's probably the person I've been chatting with the longest (since April, I think) but hadn't met. He was cool in person, so that was cool.

He thanked me for giving him the time since I seemed to be "popular with the guys" that night. I guess it does seem weird and maybe threatening from the outside. From the inside, as in the inside of my own head, they're just friends. I told him that too. Everyone is just friends. I don't touch any of them. Jonah didn't assume this, but I get tired of other people assuming that. I desperately want more girl friends, but I don't know how to get them? It's just a result of growing up with boys my entire life.

I was a good girl that night and stayed sober. I wanted to actually enjoy and remember this show. And I didn't want to be drunk with a group of dudes. I'm not doing that shit anymore. I felt like I needed to say this since I've been getting drunk in public too often lately. Nothing bad has come from it. I haven't made any stupid decisions. I've just noticed men tend to get more flirty when they know I'm drunk.

And I guess I'll tell you about another internet friend I've hung out with a couple times. His name is Meyer. He's the only one I've met alone. I haven't seen any of these people as a threat, and he was no exception. I saw Straight Outta Compton with him last night, and it was a damn good movie. He's cool, and we both have a very firm understanding of the "just friends."

I've met these people under the premise of "strictly platonic friendship." The only reason I agreed to meet the ones I have is because they seemed to have understood that from the beginning. I hope they will continue to understand that.

- - - - -

I've changed somehow. I'm not as introverted as I used to be. I feel like I'm wasting away if I'm sitting around doing nothing - which is all I do lately except for the few excursions I just mentioned. All I've done today was sit on the couch, which also adds to my self-loathing of not doing enough. I'm getting my license... then a job... then a place to live. I'm going to have all of this by the end of the year god dammit.

I just want to live on my own with my dog.

S.O.S.

You live in a shelter built from your own truth. There's so many things you don't want me to know.

I can't help but to feel like I'm in the dark. This little inkling of intuition won't leave me alone. But it's only a gut feeling, and there's no proof...

Yet.

I'm used to being vague on this blog because I don't know who will see it (refer to above statement), but that last thing I posted was direct on purpose. I've had the suspicion for awhile now that maybe Jack knows about this place. I probably left it pulled up on my laptop one time when he came over. That's the only way he'd know about it. So that last post was for myself and... my readers? Just so we're all on the same page. I'm keeping you properly informed as I report on this next big move I'm about to make. But I also said it outright as a cry for help... If Jack sees it, I'd like him to address it. Ya know, help me out here... throw me a bone... even though I don't deserve it.

And I thought that was exactly what happened tonight (last night if you're referring to the date on this post) when I received a FB message from him out of the blue that said, "I need an answer to a question." I thought, "This is it. He knows. Shit is about to go down." I panicked for a second and then mentally prepared for what I expected to be a hard conversation. After the initial panicking, I was calm and ready for the conversation... and then it turned out just to be a silly question pertaining to a conversation he was having with his friend.

And with that, I was a bit disappointed. It would make this so much easier for me if he would just bring it up. He brought up that "are you sleeping with anyone else" conversation after I made vague posts on this blog that suggested I was involved with someone new a few months ago.

I'm just tired of this. I get it: I could sleep with anyone I wanted to.

I don't want to anymore.

I want to cast out all the lies and hiding and secrecy. I'm really trying for once in my life.

And I'm trying not to lose hope.

100 Degrees

Too much love I gave away. Now I wonder what I'll do that day sparks fly high and change the way I wanna be.

I'm going to be honest and direct for once.

I mean, I'm always honest here, but I'm usually vague about it. The person I need to end it with is Jack, and that's what I've been referring to on this blog lately. I kept what I had with Jack for so long because it was... convenient? It was easy. It was easier to keep the status quo than to change things. I mean, he's good at what he does, you know what I mean? But the emotional attachment was never there for me. And if it was, it was weak, and I could never invest. And towards the end of this, I began to feel pressure. We never explicitly stated we were dating/together/what-have-you, but it started to feel like that's the way he saw it. Or sees it still... And that's exactly the thing that drives me away in most cases. That is a small part of why I need to do this.

But I've got a better reason.

Because I've met someone who I genuinely really like. Like a lot. Like, a lot a lot. And because I feel so strongly about this person, I feel I've got to try. It's important to persue this because it doesn't happen often, especially with me. I'm not going to "meh" this. I'm not going to shrug it off... unless this person decides that he wants nothing to do with me; in which case, I'll just have to let it go.

And it's hard to tell sometimes. I'm so fucking insecure, and I really don't know why anymore. I can never tell if someone truly likes me despite glaring evidence. I'm so much quicker to accept disapproval than adoration towards me.

I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By a hand that's touched me

I just want to make things right. It's all I think about.

For once, someone else's ghost has crawled inside my head.

In Hiding

This is a very accurate depiction of how I am handling life right now. There are a few things that make this relevant, the biggest of which being cutting ties with someone.

I know I can't keep hiding forever.


This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.

I spent two weeks in Silverlake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks
And she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.
Yeah she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.

Wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that i was telling
And all the playful misspellings
And every bite i gave you left a mark

Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did and so did i that day

All i see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "was something wrong?"
That i think "you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."

So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me

Please no more bad days

I thought we hit rock bottom, and then the floor gave out.

Dickson has not been good to me.

It's so weird that for the last several months, I've given myself this deadline. I thought I'd have it all figured out come graduation. That's supposed to be when the new chapter starts, right? So what perfect timing that I graduated two days ago, and everything is falling apart.

Without even talking about what has been going on BEFORE I moved home, since I've been here there has been a lot of "drama" for lack of a more mature term. The day I got home, I was so excited to see my dog. I hadn't seen him in weeks and I missed him like crazy. So I got to my dad's house and let Buckley out of the pen. He ran out around and barked at me out of excitement, and then I let Jimmy, the other dog, off the lead. They were both free to run wild, and what did they do? They immediatley found a cat and started tearing it apart. I beat the shit out of both of them and rescued the cat. Then I locked and tied them both back up and left the house because I was so upset. That night my brother's girlfriend, whose cat they attacked, sent me threatening messages on Facebook about my dog. I was so upset about it that I couldn't sleep, and so I only slept a couple hours before MY OWN GRADUATION.

I graduated from college on Saturday. It wasn't as joyous and momentous as it should have been. I just wasn't in the best of moods... I do appreciate my family coming out though.

The next day wasn't too bad. I took my dog to the park, and it was fine. Unfortunately, since I don't know many people in Dickson, I hung out with Max that day.

So today, I hung out with Max again. Things were going fine at first as they usually do. Took the dogs to the park and they immediately ran off into the woods. Spent two hours searching for them. They are just HORRIBLE when they are together. I am splitting them up forever. I know they are best friends, but they are out of control... We left the park immediately after collecting both dogs.

So, when Max brought me home, we sat in the driveway in his car while he freaked out on me... It has been an ENTIRE YEAR. I thought we were over this... He said a bunch of things that I could comment on, but the worst thing he told me was that he is "Probably going to kill himself" because he is still so god damned in love with me and doesn't know what to do with himself. I don't take comments like that lightly, so when I finally escaped the barrage of rambling, I immediately notified his father and several of his friends of his current depressive state. I asked them to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. And now is when I need to finally cut the cord. I won't speak to him anymore after this.

So, that's only been my last four days. I don't even have it in me right now to talk about the rest of what's been going on in my life lately. I don't even know where to begin there. Just fuck everything.

It seems all I do is cause people pain.

I'm so overwhelmed. I have got to get out of here.

I don't mind if we take our time
'Cause I'm all yours if you're all mine

5pm

The day is over and I'm in bed.

I sure do hate a lot of things right now.

Perfect timing how everything can happen all at once.

The Damage I've Done

Oh, God. I'm scared I never will repair the damage I've done.

I'm doing something I rarely do and enlisting the advice of others... Not using any names, or course, I feel I'm left with no other choice. I know what I need to do, and I know they are going to tell me the same thing I already know. But it's good to get confirmation, ya know?

Thanks for making me feel better, Stranger who doesn't know enough about me to conclude that I am a "good person." However, your comments won't stop the self-loathing. I am not a good person.

I just wonder if I do this thing, will it be all for naught? I feel the damage has already been done. Loss of trust is damn near irreparable, so what am I supposed to do now? If it's the case that I'll lose everything, then I'll just start over from scratch.

I just don't want to be seen as this person in your eyes. And I'm going to be seen as this person in the eyes of so many by the time this is all said and done.

I should have taken that opportunity to get away when I had the chance.

I'll be right there beside you
When the walls are caving in
I'm not going anywhere
But when I let you down
look past your doubt.
Just please, please,
don't lose your faith in me.
Please don't lose your faith in me.

You are worth this. You deserve this.

This is not my secret, but it's one I share with someone out there.

There's a dichotamy to heartbreaking. It's empowering. It keeps you from getting hurt and gives you control. It protects you. At what cost though?

That only lasts so long. Because on the other end of the spectrum, it's painful. It's the worst feeling knowing you've made someone feel that way. I'd think they could handle it because I can handle it if it happens to me. But what if they can't? I'd rather take the brunt of the blow.

And so, I can't do it over and over again. I have to step back. I have to let whatever it is play out before I have to end it because I need to recharge before doing it again. I'm so tired of getting involved just to ruin somebody else. It's never the intention but it's always inevitable.

I'm just not ready to do it again right now. I've got too many LOOSE ENDS that I need to CUT TIES with.

I've got too many loose ends that I need to cut ties with.
I've got too many loose ends that I need to cut ties with.
I've got too many loose ends that I need to cut ties with.
Fuck.

- - - - -

I NEED to do something, but I feel all I can do right now is write.

I just keep thinking how much I deserve this.

You know in every bad relationship (romantic or not), I've convinced myself that I deserved the treatment (or mistreatment) I was given. But I eventually talked myself up and decided I didn't deserve it or need it in my life. This time is different because it was a long time coming (and not a bad relationship). And I fucking knew something like this would happen! Go back and read on this blog. I knew my lies would catch up to me. I knew I'd be paying for all this stupid shit eventually. I'm not finished paying for it either. Refer back to the loose ends...

I'm moving back to Dickson Friday. I could have moved back sooner but I elected not to. For what? I'm spending everyday until then alone. Dickson will be good for me. I don't know anyone there. I'll spend time with my dog and stay out of trouble. I just need to lie low for awhile.

Now if you excuse me, I'm going to sleep for another 14 hours.

Save me from myself

Four days and a call that didn't come through
Cold air and a love that never grew

So why'd you keep me around?
why'd you keep me around?
Just stumbling in the dark, dear
Just stumbling in the dark

Four months and a man walks up to you
Forget every lie, just tell the truth

Why'd you keep him around?
why'd you keep him around?
Just stumbling in the dark, dear
Just stumbling in the dark

Four years and a new man falls for you
So why fight it when you think you might love him too?

Old habits die hard or never do
Keep lying 'till they all catch up to you

But you should keep him around
You should keep him around
Don't throw him in the dark, dear
Don't throw him in the dark

I've gotten what I wanted for long enough. I deserve whatever comes my way because I got myself into this mess. I dug these holes. So when I'm feeling sad, it's easier to just embrace it. I don't know how to make everything right, but I can try.

Air

The thought of you makes me so damn scared.


I've been building playlist after playlist because music is all I have.