Where will you go when September comes?

Jonah and I are super broke and super struggling right now. He had the audacity to say "We need to quit going to concerts" right after explaining all the things he is going to spend his next check on. Wanna know where most of it is going? His "church." A plane ticket costs $300+ (twice a month, mind you) and he has monthly "dues" to pay that cost him $90 every month. I told Jonah I'll quit going to concerts when he quits going to "church." He gave me a silent "touche."

I'd have to go to 6 concerts every two weeks, that's 12 concerts a month, to equal the time and money he puts into church a month, and it would still cost significantly less. I don't even want to hear it.

Every month he says we'll be out of this hole by the next month. The last time he said that, a couple days ago, I told him I'm not getting my hopes up. We never have as much money as we think we will.

I really liked my job at first. I loved working with dogs. I didn't mind that I came home tired and sore everyday. But now that I'm getting promoted to full-time, they've got me working the front desk, and I really don't want to do this much longer. I can handle it now, but I still dread going to work. I've got the skills and I can put reception work on a resume now, but I'm looking for jobs in my field again. They have an ad online for a "front desk associate" and they have it listed as $12/hr. I'll only be making $10/hr when I get promoted, and I really don't want to do a job I hate for less money than the job is worth. I'd hate to leave my job as soon as I start getting benefits (and I won't leave it until I have another better-paying job lined up), but I've got to support myself without struggling at some point.

And I've got to get to the point where my money alone can carry me. It can't be "our" money forever. Jonah is absolutely set on moving to Texas at the end of August/beginning of September. He said he'll stay in Tennessee if I find a "big girl" job or if he gets a management position at his job. Honestly, I don't believe it. I think he'll go to Texas anyway. His plans still include me going to Texas with him. I have half-heartedly looked for jobs there, but I have never and will never want to live in Texas. So if he doesn't stay in Tennessee in 2-3 months from now, I guess that will be that...

The only way I'll move to Texas is if I get some sort of badass job there. And by the way my job search has gone in the past, I seriously doubt I'll find one. I would need the job BEFORE moving there, and I don't see many places willing to risk hiring someone who isn't currently living in their state.

So, his goal is for us to be out of this hole by next month. My goal is to be out of this hole by September when I'll likely have to be alone.

Don't get comfortable; don't be sensible

(I know I'm talking about the same thing over and over again, and I will keep talking about the same thing over and over again until it quits bothering me. And, oh, am I bothered).

I just don't know if I'm happy anymore. And the fact that I "don't know" means I'm not. If I were, I'd know...

My self-worth is very fragile, I've realized. I can usually maintain a healthy sense of worth when it's just me, but relationships always fuck it up.

Don't get me wrong; I don't feel truly lost or hopeless or worthless. Just down in the dumps. I have thoughts that I feel guilty about. At least, I try to suppress them. Thoughts of it ending. I feel likev I'm irrational (a common feeling with me) and overreacting, emotionally. I'm not reacting at all on the outside, which is a reaction in itself. I know I'm becoming distant, but it's less exhausting than pretending.

I know it will all come out eventually. Something will happen and I'll get mad and spill my guts. Jonah will recognize his faults and things will change for the better. Right? Probably. But only temporarily. If history reallyrepeats itself--and it does-- things will eventually go back to the way they were.

I tell every person I get into a relationship with the same thing: don't get comfortable. Don't get complacent. And most of all, never assume anything is a safe bet. The last thing I am is desperate, and I won't settle with dishonesty. You're lucky if I've settled at all.

And maybe I'm just having a bad night. Maybe I'm just venting out my bad mood.

Whatever.

A dangerous game

I meant to publish that last post a few days ago, but I guess it decided to save as a draft instead.

I'm feeling a lot of old feelings that I'd hoped I'd never have to feel again... Feelings of being torn. Constantly asking myself "Am I wrong?" I don't know why this always happens. There is a dangerous game going on, and, as usual, I'm not the one who started it. I feel like I've been pretty darn good these last 7 months. Really.

Jonah constantly reminds me he loves me, but I really don't feel like he's happy. And, as with old times, I always wonder if he's trying to convince me or convince himself. Again, I want to say I'm confident that he does, but...

It's the same thing(s) I've been talking about. It's not like it's subsiding. If anything, it's just going to keep happening more and more, and he's going to continue to be secretive about it. I know he's not cheating, and I don't think he would, but why all this reaching out? Why now? God help me if he ever did cheat though... And I don't even believe in God. That's how much help I would need. That's how much help we would all need.

I want to be good. I want to better. Better than I was before and to be the better man. And right now I am still the better man. But I always want to treat people how they treat me. That means spite. That means revenge. And we've all been here long enough to know that my version of revenge is solely to make myself feel better, not to make the other person feel bad. My version of revenge typically doesn't involve the other person ever even knowing that it happened.

It's like, I want to do things behind his back solely out of spite. I have no desire to do these things otherwise. Maybe I should go back to my hometown and text my exes to see if they will be around (that's where Jonah is at tonight. He went back home for the night to visit his childhood friend, but don't think I didn't notice him texting an ex-girlfriend asking if she'd be around... not even the SAME one that he has been talking to!).

And then there is still the drugs.

I just don't get it. I don't understand why.

All I know is that it makes me feel bad.

Can't fight this sinking feeling... but I'm feeling fine.

Jonah and I saw Ghost the other night (former Ghost B.C.). It was a good show. He got obnoxiously drunk though. After we had gotten home and were eating disgusting fast food, he had made some remark that by dating me he was robbing the cradle. The remark didn't bother me, but his obnoxiousness all night had already annoyed me, so for some reason I decided to dispute his claim. I told him he's actually one of the youngest people I've been with, which is true. He is 24 (will be 25 in a few days). I told him that I've been with a person who is now 31 (Jack, but I didn't disclose any other details about this person other than his age). And that just set Jonah off. He said he was disgusted and couldn't finish his food. I felt disgustingly judged, so I went to bed. When he came to bed, too, he said, "You're in bed already?" After I said yes, he said, "I don't like hearing about who you've been with." I responded with, "I don't like hearing about how great your ex is and how I'm going to meet her." His reply didn't help him at all. He said, "She's not great... she's getting better." I responded with silence.

The next morning I woke up at 6am and started thinking about all of that. I felt like Jonah was disgusted with me, and I couldn't handle it. I had an anxiety attack. I was nauseated and couldn't breathe and my eyes watered up. After about an hour of this, I wrapped a pillow around my head. Jonah asked what's wrong, and I told him I couldn't sleep. After he held me, I told him I thought I was having a panic attack or an anxiety attack. He stayed in bed with me until I felt better. He was late for work. I never fell back to sleep.

He was still a little drunk that morning before he went to work. He texted me asking how I was feeling. The conversation went as follows:

Jonah: How are you feeling?
Me: I'm feeling better.
Jonah: Good. Wake me up next time, please. No need to suffer on your own.
Me: It wasn't your problem. Plus you were hungover.
Jonah: It is if it's your problem. The rare occasions I get a cold, I make it your problem. I make you take care of me. :) I wasn't hungover. I was a little drunk. I woke up at 6 and couldn't go back to sleep til 7. I've been drinking too much lately. I might be going through something. Maybe a cry for help.
Me: You think? Are you stressed about anything in particular?
Jonah: Ha, idk. I'm not stressed or anything. Maybe it's subconscious. But I used to be alcohol-free 7-8 months ago. Now I'm not only getting drunk on weekends but also weekdays. I need to stop drinking.
Me: I've been drinking way more than usual too.
Jonah: Are you going through something? Something on your mind?
Me: I don't know. I never feel like I drink to drown problems. I feel like I'm just having fun usually. But like you said, maybe it's something subconscious.
Jonah: Maybe you're getting tired of me.
Me: Am not. Are you getting tired of me?
Jonah: Not even a little :). You know I looove you! I told you you're stuck with me forever.

It seems he knows something may be wrong. But I don't even know if something is wrong yet. He knows I'm not good at talking about things, but he's better than most people at presenting me with opportunities to speak my mind. So maybe he'll get it out of me. Whatever it is.

Keep my heart somewhere drugs don't go

I think if you feel the need to reach out to an ex-significant other while you are in a relationship, you feel something is missing in your current relationship. I think I've made it a point to reconnect with exes when I wasn't single because I was unhappy in my situation in some way either consciously or subconsciously.

Furthermore, I've never understood why people who do drugs, especially hard drugs, choose to remain with me. They know I hate it and will give them a very, very hard time about it, so they begin to hide it from me. Jonah said it himself the other day: What's the point of doing something if you have to hide it? It takes all the fun out of it. Of course, he was referring to our roommate, whom we suspect has been shooting up in the bathroom. But it's a bit hypocritical of him to have said that due to recent events.

Our former roommate called me and asked me if Jonah had gotten some coke over the weekend because he had heard that he did. I told him I had no idea (because I thought he had done molly behind my back, not coke, but bother are unacceptable). The roommate later texted me with "Lol he's not." I replied: "He's not what?" And the roommate said, "Doing 8 balls left and right." I replied with a sarcastic "Sure he's not" hoping the sarcastic sentiment gets back to him. I want him to know that I know he's doing things behind my back and that I don't approve. I WILL leave over drugs. I've done it before.

I will not be moved.

I hate that I'm suspicious of everything. It's the beginning of all distrust. A downfall. I feel like everything is a lie because I've been here before. I've done this before. I hate that I don't believe most the things he tells me, even the "I love you's." I want to say that I know he loves me because up until recently I was sure of it. But I wonder if his faith is shaken.... because mine sure is.

I'm still mostly happy in this relationship. It's still going very well. It's just that these things that bother me are getting buried deeper and deeper and will likely manifest as resentment. That's how these things work. I continue to tell myself not to let it bother me because Jonah seems to respect me (despite hiding things...) and treats me well. We're six months into this journey, and it's going much better than previous relationships were at this point if they even made it to this point. I can only hope it lasts as long as we plan it to, but we'll have to get past a hard talk one of these days. Knowing me it may not be anytime soon.

That's what's going on

Jonah is still in love with his ex. I don't know how someone could still love a former junkie who ran around on them, but he does. He hasn't told me that; I just know. He finally told me he had been talking to her, which I already knew. When he brought it up, he said, "She actually texted me last night" trying to imply that she contacted him first that night. I called him out and said, "She was the one you were talking to in the car last week when I was driving and asking you for directions, but you weren't listening to me." He was too absorbed in his conversation with her. That night in the car he said he was talking to an "old friend who he hadn't spoken to in awhile." But when I glanced over, I saw her name at the top of the screen. I'm not dumb. I know her name.

So, I hate that they talk. I'm not going to bitch at him about it because I talk to Max sometimes. The difference is, I don't love Max. He'd die if he read this, but I've told him to his face multiple times that I don't love him. Those feelings will never come back. I don't have a lot of good things to say about Max. I really only talk to him about music these days because the one things we did have in common was a passion for music, and he knows and shares an interest in a lot of the music I listen to.

I've said it before: I don't speak with P or N or even Jack or Eric. And if I do, it's almost always THEM checking up on ME, and it's always small talk.

I know Jonah still loves his ex. He's been talking about her lately... says she's a "good person." He told me he would never hang out with her without me there but that I'd probably meet her sometime.

Why?

I don't want to meet her. If I have to meet her, I'm going to make him meet one of my exes. Except that I don't want to be around my own exes either.

That's what has put me in the mood I've been in lately. Jonah and I have gotten into a few unrelated arguments, but I'm sure they have stemmed from my bad mood and inability to talk about it...

What bothers me the most is that he is hiding things from me. And now that I know he is hiding things from me, I have to dig deeper. I'm not ashamed of snooping because if you have to hide things from me, you are being dishonest. I don't deserve that, okay? I know I don't. And I'm going to do everything in my power to stay in the know to keep this from hurting more when it all comes out in the open. I know I'm wrong for delving, but I'm only protecting myself.

But not to worry: I'm a firm believer in working things out, despite things never having worked out in the past.