2011

Eighteen was a pretty big year; you figured out yourself and why you're here.

2010 was a really big year. 2011 was an even bigger year. I'm actually kind of terrified of what 2012 has to offer.

Black, white, and shades of gray

I had a deadline. I had a set time, and I had built up the courage and the words to say. I was so certain. But over-thinking and over-analyzing has blended that black and white into all gray. Now I don't know what to do. Of course, I never know what to do. It helps that outside influences are no longer whispering in my ear. If only temporarily.

Next month will be a test. I'm not ready.

I swear I don't believe in love; this is as close as I can come.

Winter and fall are competing
Inside my head, outside these walls,
Are not competing at all
The question stands
Do I choose winter or fall...?

It's 7:30 and I'm already exhausted...

Let's see... I've hung out til 6am my first two nights with Nick. I went to Nate's house Friday/night.

Saturday I went to my dad's house. Ryan had a party. It was fun. Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came. :) I made hemp bracelets for several people. One guy who I didn't know was coming onto me way too much. The first thing he said to me when he sat next me was, "Your boyfriend is really missing out since I get the privilege of sitting by you." (For the record, Nate wasn't there). And Jake was right there and said, "You better not hit on Peewee's sister!" But that didn't stop him. He asked me to make him a bracelet, so I obliged because I was kinda bored and the hemp was keeping my busy. I got up to get scissors or something, and when I sat back down he was said, "Wear a shorter jacket next time." I asked why (already knowing), and he said, "Not to sound like a perv, but you got a really cute butt." And I was not flattered. That's just the beginning of it. For the rest of the night, he kept trying to talk to me and he would get way too close to me and I was just not having it. I tried to avoid him as much as possible. I told Pamp and he got mad lol. I told Nate and he was gonna drive out there to handle this guy, but I told him not to. Other than him, though, it was a fun night.

After four hours of sleep, today I went to Nana's for the annual family Christmas party. My aunt and little cousins were in town, and the whole fam-damn-ly showed up. I feel like a horrible person because I was with Pamp the whole time, and he kept putting his arm around me, and I know I'm going to hear about it later from my brothers. I probably shouldn't have been so close with him. I had a really nice time though... Oh, and I went with my cousin Nick to drop off his girlfriend and Pamp at their houses. Pamp's mom knew my name without being introduced. I've never met her before. So, I guess she knows about me. I didn't know what to think of that. She was really nice though.

I did some serious thinking on the car ride home, but I could probably use a little advice because I'm not sure if I'm drawing the right conclusions.

Wish I could find someone to pick up on the small details

After much longer than expected, I am finally home. For a good long while.

The car ride was too long, and I had a fish in my lap and the water spilled out a lot and my pants were wet, so that wasn't fun. It was also crowded, but at least it wasn't cold. So, I got home at around 10, and Nick came over, and we went to Kmart and bought some movies. Then we watched No Country For Old Men and played Plants vs. Zombies until 5am when he went home and I went to bed. He's gonna come over again either tonight or Thursday. Saturday I'm going to a party because Ryan is turning 22. Sunday I'm going to Nana's house to see my aunt and cousins and people while they're in town.

It's going to be a good break.

Nate is coming home... uh, I don't even know when actually. He doesn't tell me much anymore (which is why I do the same to him). I was going to get to meet his roommate Justin because he was going to come back with him and stay a week, but plans changed. I'll still get to meet him eventually though. I was kind of excited to meet him because I've skyped with him and talked to him and he seems like a pretty cool dude.

In school news, I made an A- in my English class. No surprise there. I made a B on my sketchbook that I labored many hours into for Drawing. It was still incomplete when I turned it in, so my grade is actually surprisingly higher than I expected. A pleasant surprise though. I don't know what I made in the class. The sketchbook is only worth 25% of the grade, so I'm assuming portfolio is worth the rest? I'm pretty confidant that I had a good portfolio, so I may have actually made a B in Drawing, which would be pretty sweet. If attendance is factored in, however, I may not have made a good grade in there. I had perfect attendance in all my classes except that one. I just couldn't stand that class and didn't want to go sometimes... I don't know what I made in my Digital class or Art History. I probably made an A in Digital, and, if I'm lucky, a D in art history... I don't know when I'll find out... or how. I'm assuming they'll mail grades home or something.

Yeah, so all that's boring. I just wanted to ramble.

And now Pamp is angry with me. I deserve it. I shouldn't be talking to him anyway.

Bored of You

I know I always talk about the same thing now, but I just gotta vent. So, you ignore me all day, then you send me a text late at night asking if any of your texts went through. I say no, and you respond, "Wow hahaha my phone has been acting weird lately." -.- Yet, oh so conveniently, all of your texts are happening to go through just fine now.

I'm not dumb, and I really hate when people take me for it. It's insulting.

I don't know for sure that he's lying. But if he is, I don't get it. Why lie to me? Just admit that you were ignoring me. I'd accept that and be less annoyed with it than stupid excuses. Yesterday he asked me, "Do you miss me at all?" I think he's catching on. If I break up with him, he really should have seen it coming.

My main concern is that I don't think I'll ever find anyone who treats me as well as he does... when we're together. He knows how to treat a lady, and it has always blown my mind how great he is. I never thought it would be possible for someone to treat me the way he did, and frankly, I never knew how to take it. It was almost too good to be true, but it was genuine.

But, he's obviously very negligent when we're apart, and not only that, but 365 miles apart. Plus, I just don't feel the same toward him anymore. He's lucky though; I liked him a hell of lot for much longer than I've liked anyone else. We've lasted longer than I would have expected. I've never had a serious relationship before, so I've obviously never had to break one off before. It's going to take some time and courage, and I don't know how much. I almost wish he would cheat on me or something just to make this easier. I really don't want to break his heart. He doesn't deserve that...

This song is becoming my soundtrack all too often in my life.

I know you mean well

I can't sleep. I really need to figure things out.

My morning started out okay. Nikki and I went to the zoo. People were texting me, Pamp was being extra precious (it's too bad...), the zoo was fun, the aardvark was especially active today and adorable. Then by 4, I was ignored for the rest of the day... I'm glad I have Nikki though. Her and I cleaned the shit out of this apartment, then we hung out in my room while Liz had a dinner party. We laughed and talked about politics, and then she went to Dillon's. I've been lying in bed for the last few hours, but I can't sleep. I've been thinking about how I'm going to go about things when I get home... and when. I'm sick of being unhappy, and I don't think I should have to continue this way. So, I decided I'm probably not going to. I just need to figure it all out...

Razorblades

Some days, they taste like lemonade. Some days, they feel like razorblades.

Oh, NOW you care. Now you send me 4 text messages and a message on Facebook and message to Nikki asking if I'm okay. Is that what it takes? You thinking I'm depressed?

I'm not depressed, but I'm not happy. Obviously. I'm just giving you a taste of your own medicine. You're too delusional to really get it though. So I ignored you all day.

That's today.

Yesterday was my last day of classes. I am officially done with the semester. I thought this day would never come holy shit. And you know... I don't want to do it again. I really don't want to come back next semester, but I have to.

I'm just going to enjoy my month at home the best I can. Make the best of it. I know a lot will happen.

I sit in the darkest corner
Of this once bright room
What used to my haven
Has now become my tomb
I find safety in the shadows
When I find no safety in you
I've become overwhelmed with
Not knowing what to do
I could leave, but I don't
So I guess I can't complain
What used to be my halo
Has now become my chains
I could never hurt a fly
And you're much bigger than that
But for the longest time now
I could smell a rat
There's a savior on the horizon
Waiting for me to decide
But for now I am stuck
In these shadows where I hide

I do still write. I don't think it's any good, but it's how I feel.

Bullshit

I'm so glad I have this place to vent.

"Baby where have you been all day. I called you and txted you and you never replied out went to voice mail. Baby i miss you and I'm sad I haven't talk to you all day"

You know how I know that every bit of that is a lie?

1. I get great service here. I would have gotten any texts or calls.

2. I've had my phone on me all day because I've been using it to text* someone else all day. I would have absolutely noticed a text or call.

3. Your phone gets good service anywhere because it's a nice phone, and you would have noticed if your messages weren't going through (you've used that as an excuse before).

4. My phone isn't the only way to contact me. If you were really trying to get ahold of me, you could have also tried Facebook. I am always on Facebook. Calling/texting is not exhausting your efforts or trying everything like you make it seem like you've done.

5. You said "i miss you"

6. I responded to you almost instantly, and now after an hour, you still haven't said anything back. You're obviously not as concerned as you tried to make yourself out to be.

So, I call bullshit.

- - - -
*Which brings me to my asterisk. Have you ever heard that saying "Never give another man the chance to make your girl feel special" or any variation of it?

I feel guilty even though it's harmless. You can't expect there to be no consequences for ignoring me when you're the one person who I [used to] expect not to.

It's too late

Every time Nate ignores me, he always texts me with this formula:
apology + excuse + "I miss you" + some other bullshit here.

Every. Single. Time. It never fails.

It has gotten to the point where it pisses me off. Not the ignoring, but the stupid excuses. I don't care why. I already expect to be ignored, and I'm sick of the "sorrys."

The ignoring used to make me feel sad. Now I just roll my eyes. I think I just roll my eyes at this entire relationship. You're wondering why I don't break up with him. I have reasons. I'm not going to get into it right now, but if something doesn't click within the next month, I'll probably just have to put my foot down.

This is one of those internal struggles I was talking about...

So, anyway. I'm not responding to him for the night. We always exchange "good night" texts, and in the morning, we exchange Good Mornings. Not tonight.

In other news, I don't feel like a complete lazy ass today. Although I did sit in front my laptop all day long, I was using it for music, and my hands were busy working on my sketchbook. I worked on that piece of shit for at least six hours. It still needs a lot of work, which I plan to get done tomorrow. I just hope it all pays off. I mean, I don't even want to be here. Bad grades would only make my life more miserable. I don't make bad grades, never have. I sure as hell don't plan to start now.

So, procrastination, your move.



This song was fantastic live.

It's also fantastically relevant to my life right now and this post in particular. I do feel like I'm being a little harsh. But I am a little upset. And this is what venting is for. Enjoy that.

Unexpected

Well, shit. This kind of just came out of nowhere: "Mmm i know plenty of girls but they dont have what you have i joke with nick, nana, and nick's mom that id marry you when i got older lol its funny cuz i have commitment issues that your too cool to cause"

He's referring to Nick as in my cousin, Nana as in my grandma, and Nick's mom as in my aunt.

Pamp just threw a huge curveball. Kind of blows my mind. I don't know how I feel about this. It's flattering and... impacting(? Is that a word?). I'm keeping in mind, way in the back of my mind, that he's a player though. I don't think a player would say this though. I don't know... Of course, after this, I had to remind him that I have a boyfriend. Then he got depressed and went to bed. :/

- - -
That was last night/early this morning. Today his Facebook status says, "Am i a player?" And to that I say: Ha. Ha. Ha.