Documenting my spiral, I guess.  My mom taught me this trick. There's whiskey in this cup. And I like being alone in the car wash. Also my car was dirty and needed it real bad. It just so happens that at this very moment, there were 3 cops washing their cars in the manual stalls next to me. If only they knewwww. 

I feel like not a single damn thing is going right. I've quit taking my meds, quit eating, and my weight keeps going UP. Jobs aren't responding to my applications. David and I had a talk about our grievances last night, and I feel like it went nowhere. He literally asked me to tell him "where [he is] falling short," so I told him. And he turned it into an attack on him and decided to respond by attacking me. I would have preferred keeping my fucking mouth shut. 🙃 So I drink .

I've made a conscious decision to do what I want.  I don't have to be "good." I'm unhappy, and I'm going to fill the void wherever I can.  It is a great, big, unfillable void, but I'm going to throw in whatever makes me feel something.  

I wouldn't say I'm depressed.  I'm disappointed.  I'm bored.  I'm overwhelmed.

I tell myself that priority #1 is getting a new job. I've made up my mind to leave because I don't like or respect the new wannabe corporate overlords. To list all my grievances would involve volumes of dull complaints no one wants to hear.   VOLUMES.  

But I'm ready for a change in career. The available jobs listed out there all seem so awful and dead-end. I am underwhelmed by the options but overwhelmed in in my search to find anything that seems reasonable. And trying to decipher what's even legitimate... forget about it.  

I get so depressed searching that I start to wonder if my best option is to just die.  

Not to be all negative... but also absolutely to be all negative because I come here to vent: it's not much better at home.  I'm in a lifeless relationship that's exactly how it was the first go around. It's my fault for actually thinking it would be different this time. Classic folly. A tale as old as time.  I'm resentful already. I don't fully bite my tongue like I used to though.  I express my negative emotions out loud with no sugarcoating. Now I'm told I'm "mean" and make him "feel like shit." So... I guess I just don't know how to express things in a way that makes everyone happy.  But, you know what: everyone's not happy.  I'm not. 

I feel like I'm living with Lane still. I come home from work—because, as usual, I work way more—and he's playing video games or lying in bed staring at his phone.  I feel my blood pressure go up daily because this house, much like my life, is in shambles. He does help some.  He does the dishes... sometimes washes the bedding.  Sometimes scoops litterboxes. I acknowledge that.  But it's 10% . It's bare minimum and basic decency. I spend every single day off (I get 2 or 3 a month) cleaning. Always cleaning. Another thing that sometimes makes me want to die because it never ends. The only way for it to end for me... is for me to end. So my resentment is because there is, yet again, another person living in my house who spends way, way more time in it than me, and,  yet again, I feel like I'm doing 90% of the work. I'm absolutely drained. 

I read a news article today about a couple in Australia with 2 severely autistic kids who required round the clock care. No breaks. No help. For 16 years. They killed the kids and themselves. It was too much and there was no end in sight. I would have done the same thing.  I get it. 

When does life get enjoyable?  I am so tired of working. I'm so tired of cleaning. I am so tired of baring the weight of the mental load and feeling like I'm getting nowhere. I'd like to, once again, point out that I'm not suicidal, but it's genuinely hard to see what it's all for. 

I guess I am depressed. What else is new.