I recently found out Lane was in a new relationship. It sent me back into depression because I'm a stupid bitch. He would still message me from time to time.  Just memes mostly. Today he messaged me a lot and said the jokes I make remind him of why he fell in love with me.  I creeped and noticed he is apparently single again.  That was a very short relationship... but I feel vindicated tbh. 

These feelings I still hold are fucking torturous.  And I guess he still loves me and that sends pains straight to my stomach. I wonder constantly if we are in each other's futures or not.  

And I feel a little guilty. I've been having a lovely time with the boy. We got drinks the other night,  and I stayed the night at his house.  He was so sweet in the morning.  He pulled me in close and hugged me real big and we cuddled for awhile and he kissed me hair.  There are sometimes reasons why I don't see this lasting. And then moments like that make me wonder if it does have potential.  I know it's unfair to him that I'm not over my ex, but I'm constantly feeling like he doesn't want to progress past what we're doing. I don't really know... and I don't want to ask because I don't WANT to know.  I'm content with what we are doing for now. He seems content too. 

In other stressful news...

Dad is losing his house and going through boxes today trying to decide what I want to keep was emotionally draining. It's all slowly sinking in though.  

For a little while, I had staved off the feelings. 

But I am fully absorbed in them again.

I've been keeping it together lately,  and that's all I've been doing. Which is better than when I wasn't,  I suppose.

Feeling especially hopeless right now. 

I walked 3 miles with Bear, smoked, drank, and I still feel none of it.  I'm wide awake.  I didn't sleep much last night either. I took benadryl as a last resort. Waiting on that one to kick in. I'm pretty sure my anxiety can't defeat benadryl... at least I fucking hope not.  

I've also stopped eating, so I guess I'm in it for the long haul again.  

Would be nice to be able to afford therapy.  Or some sort of medication. Or to even have the time to figure any of that out. 

Well, I'm just going to be sad forever.

I'm having a lot of anxiety again. Not as bad as earlier this year but still painful to just exist everyday.  

There is nothing that brings me peace lately. Every aspect of my life both in my control and out of it stresses me out. 

I've been getting a lot of headaches. I can't fall asleep. My chest feels tight. 

I am at a complete loss. I have no idea what to do.  

I hate the process of starting over.  I hate the awkward beginning stages of getting to know someone.  I'm still struggling to FEEL anything.  The fact that I constantly question if I'm ready means that I'm not. I panic when anything that isn't superficial comes up in conversation.  I'm still learning to be alone.  I wish I could change everything.