More at 6

I often ask myself in these situations, "What am I getting myself into?"

We'll both find out tonight.

EDIT: I am back home. I want to talk about my night, but at the same time I don't. Some things are much too private to make public. I can't believe myself tonight, but I'm not upset with myself in the slightest.

So, I went to A's house tonight. We watched some stuff on Netflix. And that's all I can say.

I told myself so many times, "This shouldn't be happening." I don't mean that in a bad way. I guess. By no means do I have any regrets. It was just all a little fast.

We're keeping each other a secret. We have good reasons to, and, frankly, I love that it adds an element of thrill to the relationship. It is that now: a relationship. He's absolutely ecstatic about it. This is me sounding narcissistic, but I understand it. He doesn't know it, but I seem to have been a bit of a "hot commodity" the last few months. That's the only reason why I don't want to keep it a secret. So everyone else can quit trying to get with me. But we're definitely keeping it off of Facebook. I've always been good at keeping my business to myself. Except here. This is the sole place where I talk about my business.

As a matter of fact, I got told--again--today that I'm "mysterious." (Not by A). The best part about tonight is I didn't have to tell anybody where I was going or who I was with, and when I got back after 5-6 hours, no one asked. It feels good to not have to be evasive about it... yet. I won't lie. I can't do that. But I won't tell the truth. I'm good at telling little half-truths to get people off my back...

I could talk about tonight for a long time, but I've got a headache and I just want to lie down now. I have some business with someone else to clear up tomorrow... I've got to break away from P. It feels SO GOOD to be on this side of things. God, have the tables turned. He's in Michigan right now, but now I'm the wolf. I never thought I'd get my revenge, but I've gotten it.

"You are my soulshine"

I'm asking simple "what's your favorite..." questions, and your answers have so much substance. I love it.

In brief news, Caleb is back home on his two week leave. Lauren (Caleb's Lauren) is staying for awhile. Logan and Nick came over. I built a pillow fort. Nick is sleeping in it. Everyone else is asleep now. (it's 5am),  except me.

I'm in bed texting you-probably-know-who.

I'm in limbo.

Good night/morning.

- - - - -

You know what I want? What I really want in a person?

Someone who doesn't idolize me. Someone who treats me like a regular person.

I don't want to be treated like a princess.

I really kinda fucking hate even mentioning this because it sounds so narcissistic, conceited, what-have-you. But do you want to know how many people (men / boys) have called me their muse? A goddess? It's cute and sweet and I accept it as a great compliment, but I am not that. I am human. I exist on nothing but this physical, human plane. Would someone just treat me as such? I mean, I like feeling special sometimes to some people, but these people give me way too much credit.

What's wrong with me?

I am cursed.

We were never friends, and, man, I swear that that's okay

You say we're "friends again."

We weren't really friends before we got together. We just  kinda jumped into it.

I never felt that "best friend" connection while we were together.

We can't be friends now, especially not "again."

We were never friends.

After you showed your ass, I really didn't want anything to do with you again. And I still don't.

I moved on before it was even over.

I thought you had moved on and that it was finally okay for me to, but you obviously haven't moved an inch.

Please just go.

Leave me alone.

I'm hoping when I make this leap and physically move on, you will finally get the message that I am not interested. I am not waiting for you. You are absolutely fucking delusional, and I can't fucking stand it.

I'm taking this step.

This Time

I want to say I've never felt this way before, but I have.

I want to say this time is different and that it won't end the same... This I can't predict. But I can hope.

I hope my doubts are wrong.

La La La

Good things are happening...

I've just been trying to figure out how to break it to you.

Ugh (a word I rarely use anymore)I really want to talk about this. And while I do have the time to now, I'm just too tired to exert much energy into talking about things. I just don't think you understand how into it I get when I type these things. The long ones anyway.

I took 2 out of 3 of my finals today. The 3rd and hardest exam of my entire college career as of yet is in two days. Bring. It. On.

I went to Bill's house finally! It's so cool. He and Pat are just the coolest people ever. I have the coolest family. I'll talk more about it later (or will I...? I say that a lot these days and never revisit aforementioned issues and events...).

Don't come over tonight

Love, I'm losing that feeling.

I have so much on my mind, and I just want to take the weight off by dumping it all here.

I think I'm finally over P.

Probably because A came along.

And I really actually genuinely really, really like-like A a lot.

And I get sad thinking that this will probably end the same way...

I thought N was over me. I thought he had something going with this other girl.

But he still texts me calling me pet names and asking if we can hang out and catch up.

No.

I think he is going to go to the show next weekend... Gonna be totes awk. I hope he brings a friend because I won't be there for him (and I know he'll be there for me because he doesn't even know those bands). In fact, I'll probably.be spending a lot of time with A, and he me.

I supppose if N isn't over me at this point, this  will be painful. But fuck. It's not my fault anymore. It has been eight months... That's plenty of time, right?

I guess I'm not one to talk what with how long I was hung up on P, but at least I let someone else come along and more than temporarily take that place in my heart. It was only when P came back that he started digging his little niche back into place...

Again, I've found someone to take that place. And although we've never acknowledged it directly, it's very obviously completely mutual.

I need to sleep now.

Brainwashed

It was a futuristic world. I got there by walking through a field. Everyone was brainwashed, including all of my friends. They tried to brainwash me. The person in charge of it, obviously also brainwashed, was a girl, I guess my age, however old I was, who I was also one of my friends. She tried to brainwash me, but I ran. I ran back into the old world on the other side of the field, but she followed me. I got away, but it was close. I went back into the future world. I was in a dark computer lab, and I was able to to get into the girl's master account. It was easy, since everyone was brainwashed, all I had to do was click on it. No one else would have thought to do that. They were programmed not to. I was going to deactivate everyone's brainwashed-ness whatever it's called, but it was a command prompt, and I didn't have time to figure it out. People were coming so I hid in a corner. It was a class coming in. One of the students, a former friend, saw me. He was about to tell the teacher, but I made "no" gestures and he actually listened, much to my surprised. He came and sat by me instead, not saying anything. The teacher, of course, saw me anyway. But he was a chill dude. Thought I was just taking a break. I left the room and ended up in some sort skyrise high-tech apartment room. It had lots of glass walls. I was in a balcony/bedroom when two little girls ran in. I told them not to tell anyone I was there. They ran out. I was in another room, when a butler found me. He called me "Doctor" and said the lady of the house was looking for me. When I found her, she asked me how her daughter was doing. I looked her daughter, the younger of the two, and told the mother her daughter would be okay. Just a common cold. I knew this from my old ways, but the brainwashed world must not have highly developed medicine yet. I was offered a snack or something, and when I went to throw away the trash, the butler stopped me and threw it on the floor, it was then absorbed into the floor and it disappeared (like in Smart House lol). I apologetically explained "old ways." And the Butler understood and said he does it too sometimes. He then threw his trash out the window/door to the balcony. It dissolved in the air.

This should not be this hard

Trying to register for classes alone is making me regret coming to this school. Just registering is more difficult, frustrating, and stressful than any class I've had. At Memphis it may have been chaotic and unorganized, but at least I got the shit done in one day and it was over with and settled and set in stone and everything was fucking fine and dandy. I've been dealing with my schedule 3 weeks now. I need permission to get into my important classes, and to do that I was told to contact the instructors for the classes, but that's kinda really fucking hard to do when my emails go ignored for weeks. I'm going to go find these people in person on Monday and HOPEFULLY finally get this shit settled because I swear I'm going to have an aneurysm.

Other than that, I guess I'm going to spend the rest of my night working on my final projects. I'm tired of being stressed, and I guess coloring for hours will help with that.

All Cheese and No Whine!

I feel like my friends don't want me around. I know that's not true, but I feel left out I guess? That's okay. I've got work to do here anyway. I don't need any distractions.

So this happened; prepare for cheese:

A: I hate touch screens ahahahahaha!
Me: I do too! Let's go be Amish.
A: I think we can still be thrifters and be amish, i am in
I am gonna craiglist us a horse and buggy
Me: Hahaha! If I can wear my cosby swearter with the bonnet, I'm all in!
A: I swear, you read my mind
Me: I tapped into your wavelength
A: Our frequencies are pretty similar
Me: It's a rare occurrence!
A: Lol super rare, ur just cool
Super cool
Voodoo lady
Me: It's a private practice. ;)
A: Super secret?
Me: The superest of secrets
A: You indeed have powers...
Super powers!
Me: I can't control my powers though. They just kinda happen.
I want to trade them in for time control.
A: I can arrange that... muhahaha
Me: Do I have to sell my soul to you?
Because I will.
A: No, just share it.
I would keep your soul in a special place.
Me: Hm... That sounds like a good deal!
A: Only if you take my soul, even trade
Me: I could do that
A: Be nice to it, very sensitive lol


Then the conversation changed back into more mundane talk (though nothing we talk about is really mundane to us). The point is this made me smile. A lot. A lot a lot. And actually, just as I was typing this out, he texted me "I want your soul!" which made me smile again, especially because of the timing. I'd like to go more into detail about him and who he is because my blog doesn't know. Maybe he's mentioned somewhere in my 2008-2010 blog archives. But I'm not sure if he was around then... I think it was before that. Anyway, he makes me smile like and idiot and feel all giddy. This is what I meant when I said, a few blog posts ago, that I haven't felt this way in a long time. It's nice. But there are always "buts." I always have excuses and reasons... I'll let you know about those later when I go more in depth about this.

I need to make one long post where everything is continued. Where I go in depth about everything I've been meaning to. I will do that. I will do it soon.

So... I've got three more days of class. Then three finals. I've got to start and finish two final projects this weekend. My procrastination has, as always, gotten the best of me. But since I'm kind of excited about these projects, I think I'll actually work on them quite a bit this weekend. I chose today to sleep in and relax because it's the first day I get to that in a week.

Anyway, I've got some things to do, and I'd like to go to bed soon. I've been going to bed pretty early these last few nights, and I'd like to make it a habit. I quite like getting a fair amount of sleep, even if I do still wake up tired and do still feel tired every waking moment of my life. At least it feels good to have tried to get some sleep.

More later, as always.

A million little pieces

While I'm lying in bed on my phone, I figure I might as well blog.

So, today has been mostly good. I woke up at 7am (after nearly 10 hours of sleep... Still didn't feel rested). I started and finished a 6-page paper and turned that in super early. Had to cuz it was due today and I had to skip that class this afternoon since I don't have the book for it. I tried hard to get that book! Not a single copy can be found in this entire county. I know. So, I got some important, previously stressful stuff done in Graphic Design. I got my extremely stressful registration error worked out (not all of them, but the most important one).

I hope after school is out I can write down my life from summer to now to future plans because so much is missing from here. Very personal things that I wish I had recorded when they happened. I was just so stressed and never in the mood to write over the summer, and this semester I've been super busy and more social than ever.

There are some personal relationships I wish to discuss here,  but  I don't feel typing out that much detail on my phone. I'll go more in depth later, but in short, P and I are supposedly dating again. I have mixed feelings about it. I'm super interested in someone else, especially after spending time with him for the first time in years. I don't feel like this makes me a bad person at all. Not after how emotionally damaged I've been by P.

I saw Jamie FINALLY for the first time in almost two years. Gives me the warm and fuzzies just remembering it.

I almost, ALMOST did something that would blow your mind if I told you. I won't tell you until I actually do it. Because it will probably happen soon.

I've got big BIG plans for the summer that I'm debating whether or not to talk about here. I've decided to keep it a secret from most everyone else for now. I don't want them to find out until it's happening.

This time next week I'll be done with classes for the semester.

When I think,"What else should I talk about," a million things flood my mind at once, so I'm just going to stop here. It's 8pm, and I am going to bed. This ain't me.

Climbing

This is my last week and a half of this semester. That means I've got a mountain of work to do before then. But I'm climbin'.

I've had "you're gonna carry that weight" on my mind today. The phrase anyway. At first it seems discouraging, like you're gonna have to carry all this weight so you better get used to it. But it's actually more encourage, like, yeah, I am going to carry this weight! I'm going to carry the hell out of it!

Ya know?

Or maybe that's just my always-trying-to-stay-positive outlook coming out.

I wish I could talk about the happy things here too. Because happy things are happening too! I promise (myself) that I will talk about everything else soon. Perhaps after next Wednesday when my classes are finally over.

FUCKING. OVER!

I always get this super excitement towards the end of a semester.

I just have to climb this mountain first.

Best Nights

I just downloaded the blogger app. I think I will use blogger a lot more often this way.

I just wanted to say:

I haven't felt this way in a long time. In a good way! The best of ways! I had so much fun tonight.

:)

Trying To Keep My Head Up

I could write a book about my last few weeks...

But today...

I am so discouraged after today. I don't really know how to put into words how I'm feeling right now. I don't even have the time to write this because I have so much to do...

I have no time, I get no sleep, I have too much work, I actually work really god damn hard, and I have nothing to show for it because my grades are shit. It sucks to put in all the work and receive none of the award.

I'm at a pretty low low right now.

Where did the time go?

Man, I wrote a lot here last school year. I wrote about my days and my annoyances and what was stressing me out and my work and play. I don't know why I don't do it this year. I could write about every single day, but I just... I don't know. I've gotten really bad. I want to write again... But I've got too much to do right now.

Am I Wrong?

Every time I start to get involved with someone, it feels wrong. I feel like I shouldn't be doing it.

So, I usually withdraw from them.

I'm not sure how to do it this time (or if I will at all) because this person and I have a very long past; we just weren't present in each others' the last few years.

There's one person who it never feels wrong with. Perhaps because the potential harm I could cause doesn't seem so bad. Like he deserves. I'm sure anyone could guess who I mean.



I often write about how blessings are curses. Mine is really starting to get to me.

Always Where I Need To Be

I can't keep up with my own life right now.

I'm always doing something every day. I definitely haven't had the time to write.

My classes are going well, I guess. I like all of them except Art History. I made a 75 on the first exam. I never do that poorly. I almost regret taking Honors. I'm considering dropping out of the Honors program because I honestly don't see benefit of it. If I graduate with Honors, will that really make my degree look better. Will potential employers really care? It seems so meaningless.

Anyway. I spend a lot of my time at Logan's house. I've lent my camera to Das Houuse, so they've been having a lot of fun with it, mostly Billy. When I first met Billy, he was a bit iffy. But he has grown on me, and he's a pretty hilarious dude. I felt a little uncomfortable with the whole crew when I first met them all, but I've gotten comfortable with them, and I enjoy hanging out with them now. Lee and I stayed up til 7am last weekend just talking about movies, food, and music. That was fun. The puppy was sick for awhile. Logan and I took him to the vet. He has medicine now, and he's doing A LOT better.

Um... I know there were a few specific things I was going to talk about here, but now I can't remember. So much stuff happens all the time! >.<

Logan and I went shopping last week. We ate at Culver's, which I've never had before. That place is awesome! Then we spent a lot of time in The World Market. I very much like that place. I'm going to buy everyone's Christmas gifts from there. Then we went to Hasting's which is a cheap store with EVERYTHING. That place was cool too. Oh, and we went to Books-a-Million. I bought a few books.

The week before that, Dillon and I hung out. It always seems like it's going to be a bit weird to hang out with him alone without Nikki there, but it never is. We had a lot of fun. We went to Books-a-Million, and I bought books that time too. All-in-all, I spent about $50 on five books, which is a pretty damn good bargain considering how expensive books are. We went to Waffle House afterwards and had fun.

I'll continue this later. I'm going to get lunch with Logan now.

So, anyway. At Waffle House, Dillon was looking through the jukebox, and the cook (who is about our age) asked, "You're not those people who play Justin Beiber and leave, are you?" But then Dillon played Phil Collins and the cook said, "Sir, if you're trying to seduce me, it's working." And we kinda talked to him for a minute. When Comfortable Numb came on, the cook said that next time we come in there, he'll make our food extra good just for playing that song. But the reason Dillon and I were hanging out one last time is because he moved back to Memphis the next day. We told the guy that, and Dillon is (hopefully) coming to MTSU next year. I think it will be awesome if we go into that same Waffle House next year and the guy remembers us.

So, I'm going home this weekend. I went home a few weekends ago for Winter's birthday. I guess I haven't talked about that since I don't talk about anything here anymore. It was fun. But that's the first time I've been home since school started. I kinda thought I'd be going home every other weekend what with being much closer than Memphis this year, but nope! Oh, well. I wish I had my own house, and a car, and a job... So I could be completely independent from my family. It'll happen one day. Then again, I don't want those things because I'm postponing growing up as long as possible. That's the main reason I'm even still in college.

Um... anyway. I'm trying to get out of this "mandatory" floor meeting tonight, so I can go to Logan's house tonight. And if I can't get out of it, I'll just catch up on The Voice and go to it bed early after it's over.

I feel like there's so much more to say here, but I'm done for now. I think a very personal post is in store for the near future.

Under(pitch black)water

I was in some sort of operation. Whether alone or hired by someone else, I'm not sure. There are political undertones, and a lot of random stuff happened leading up to this point, but this is the important part. I was standing on a bridge. I was on one side and a rich man (who I was in a sting against) was on the other side. Like, the edges of the bridge. On either side, by the water. I had his dog on the side with me, holding it's collar. I was threatening to push it in the water. He was trying to talk me out of it. He couldn't walk to my side of the bridge or it would tip. His adult son came to my side. At first it looked like he was on his dad's side, and I was unaware of his intentions, but he started making the effort to push the dog over the bridge too. The rich man came to our side of the bridge and it tipped into the water. We all fell in. The son and I were in his house. It was underwater, upside down, filling with water. It was dark, save for a few lights on it the house. Every time we were in a hallway, the son would have a memory of the house, like seeing his mother or little brother standing at the end of the hallway. We waited for it to fill with water, then we'd swim to the other side to the next level. The events would repeat: The son would see a memory of someone at the end of the hallway, the hallway would fill with water, going dark, and we'd swim to the next level. It was scary only after I woke up. Swimming in pitch blackness with nowhere to come up for air is a terrifying thought. But that's the dream I just woke up from.

Part 2: MTSU

I've been a bit under the weather today, so I didn't get done all that I wanted to get done. I actually only did my Graphic Tech homework. Which is fine because it's the only thing due tomorrow, but I'd like to quit procrastinating...

Anyway, so I obviously no longer go to Memphis. I go to a school much closer to home. It's a real school! The biggest university in the state actually. I went from a school with 400 students to one with 25,000 students. It's kinda cool I guess.

Fuck. My medicine is kicking in.

The first night I was here, I went to a party. Here's what I said about the party somewhere else: SO, the party.

I met a lot of people, like the house VIPs came over a bit earlier. The VIPs are the close friends of the people who live there (I'm one!) and the regulars who also visit more often than just parties. I've never been to a party where random strangers just show up. I've only been to the kind where everyone knows everyone, or unknown people are there WITH someone you know. So, I met a lot of people, and it was cool. I hung out with a group of people who don't even go to school here, but they were cool and I got one of their numbers and we've been talking. At one point in the night, there was a cat! It lives in the neighborhood somewhere, and it just showed up. (The party was outside mostly-only VIPs got to go in the house). The cat was super friendly. Me and my group of people discussed how much we love cats lol. Oh! And I convinced Grizzly to come to the party, and I hung out with him there. He lives literally RIGHT behind Logan's house in the apartment complex on the other side of the fence. All he had to do was jump the fence haha. So, that was convenient and coincidental! And there's a pear tree in the back yard, and some dudes picked some pears off the tree, and one of the guys in my little group was eating one, and he looked over and saw the tree and was like, "Dude... did this pear come off of that tree? THIS IS THE MOST ORGANIC THING I'VE EVER EATEN! This is amazing. Did you know this pear came off of that tree?" And we all said yeah and then he apologized for being so drunk, but other than the cat that was probably my favorite part of the night because it was so funny. Then a bunch of sketchy drunk guys showed up and were just being kind of annoying the whole time. Oh, and at one point during the night, Nikki called me, so I stepped away from the party for about 20 minutes just to talk to her because she's important haha. So when the party was finally winding down I was sitting in the living room with Logan and Tyler and one of the VIP guys who is very obviously ADHD (even when he's not drunk) got into a fight with his girlfriend. And apparently she was pissed off because he did coke. So he got a little physical with her, and they kept fighting for awhile. And then the sketchy group of guys tried to steal the keg, but their dumbasses tried to get it over the fence, and they couldn't cuz kegs are pretty fucking heavy, and some other people got it back before they could take it and they left. Later, one of the dudes from their group ran into the house (after the party was pretty much over) and was saying stuff like, "Hey, my friends are a little pissed off and they're coming back here. I ran ahead of them to let you know. There's about 12 of them they're really pissed off and they have baseball bats and katanas and shit, and I really don't want you to go outside because I don't want anyone to get hurt, but I just wanted to let you know." That's the extremely short version of what he was saying. ANd he mentioned his black bandana around his neck (they all had black bandanas) and said he only wears it cuz he's against the government and that he's not violent at all and he's passive, but his friends are not. And I guess they're in some sort of gang or something I don't know. Lee (one of the housemates), did go outside but said it was only his own friends out there and he never saw dude's with weapons. And then I fell asleep around 5 and was woken up a little before 8am by a cop banging on the door because someone ran over the neighbor's mailbox and she was upset about it and called the cops. The mailbox was pretty demolished though.

I'm in four classes right now: Graphic Design Technologies, 2D Design, Honors Art History I, and Honors Literature.

I'm so glad I dropped 2D twice last year because it's so much better at this school. Also, I took Art History Survey I in Memphis, but that one is considered Survey II here. So, I have credits for this school's version of Survey II and III. So, now I'm taking this school's Survey I, which is a class I haven't had. It's non-western art, which is nice for a change, but it's my third art history class and I'm finding it really hard to make myself care.

So, classes have been going fine. I haven't stressed myself out yet. This week may get a little stressful because I have to read a lot and write a paper by Wednesday just for one class. I don't know what kind of homework I'll have in my other classes.

Things are definitely a bit more slow-paced here. I kinda like it. I'm not very quick at making friends though because I'm so introverted. I mostly hang out with the people I already know. I spend half my time at Logan's house with him and his housemates. It's nice though because they're all dudes, and I much prefer male company. It's also really nice because none of them hit on me.

So, Michael texted me last night, and I thought his timing was extremely coincidental because I had just made that last post. But he wanted us to be just friends. Which is kind of what we've been doing anyway, but we don't act like just friends. I agreed that that was probably for the best. But this morning he sent me another message wishing he could take back what he said because he said he didn't mind waiting for me. I wish people wouldn't "wait" on me. It makes me feel rushed and uncomfortable because I can't guarantee that I'm going to get together with someone. It makes me feel guilty because I feel like I'm leading them on. I told him that I think we should just be friends, which means no more kissing and stuff, and he was understanding. One of my favorite qualities of his is his understanding. I always expect people to act irrationally because that's what I'm used to, so it's always pleasantly surprising when he is so understanding.

I've got other things to talk about, but I'm really making it a chore to write here, so I'm going to try to write more tomorrow.

Part 1: Summer 2012

I'm by myself on a Saturday night. For the first time in a very, very long time. So, here's the post I've been meaning to write for months. As much as I'd like to go into as much detail as possible about the events I'm about to discuss, it has just been too long and I've put this off and I just want it all down at this point.

This has been a strange year full of new experiences and tough decisions. I realize every year from now on is going to be like this, and I guess I'm prepared for that.

I had a very interesting summer that was different than any other I've ever had. My eyes have been opened and closed at the same time. I've never felt so desired before in my life. I don't understand it.

I met Robert. Who recently told me he loves me. Or "loved." I don't know. I don't understand love. I told him he was mistaking love for infatuation, but he's sure that he isn't. I could go into so much more detail (I'm sure I've mentioned him in some of my other posts from the summer maybe?), but I guess I'll leave it at that. I've got a lot more to talk about...

I feel like I've got Michael on a string. Not intentionally. He tied it around himself. If I had dated anyone over the summer, it would probably have been him. We act like we already are... which is his argument. He wants us to date, but I keep saying no. He says nothing would change, and it's true because we basically already are dating. In his eyes. He just doesn't understand that I can't commit. If we're not officially dating, I'm not committing. I'm keeping it that way. If I were him, I would have just given up by now. I'm fucking difficult and confusing and above all indecisive. I know he has realized this, and I don't do it on purpose. It affects me too.

I saw Shane for the first time since that time we played darts (however long ago that was... I tried to find the post, but it may have been on my old blog). Afterwards, he confessed his undying love for me. Just kidding; it wasn't that dramatic. But he did confess that he liked me. Which is a bit strange because he's 26, and I've known him for at least10 years. Probably longer than that. He's a good guy though. I had to tell him I'm not interested at this moment in time to be anything more than friends. Something I've had to tell several people lately...

Pamp turned 18. I saw him the weekend of his birthday. Labor Day weekend. I was out of school for four days, so I stayed at Nana's. It was a really nice time. I'm going to be stupid and admit that I'll always be hung up on him. I don't get it and I don't like it, but I like him still more than anyone. So, naturally, we were pretty close that weekend. I mean, you have no idea how good of a time it was. And this is the part that's been on my mind for months. I'm really starting to believe that maybe he's for real (or I'm being brainwashed by either him or myself). I don't know. I mean, I don't think a "player," would wrap his arms around you in front of his family. Later that night we went to lake with my cousin and his girlfriend. He and I went and sat on the dock and talked. He stayed the night, and the next day we washed my cousin's jeep. It was all just so... suburban. Haha, I can't think of a word to describe the picture in my mind. We hugged a lot. We kissed a lot. Then I came back to school.

And that's that. Only it's not just that. He keeps wanting to date, and I'm so tempted. I keep telling him that: I'm tempted, but I can't. Not right now.

I. Can. Not. Commit.

I feel so bad for doing this to these people. I can't just lay it all out on the line and tell them straight up. I can't answer why. I just don't want a relationship. I am not relationship-oriented. I have never felt I needed one. I am perfectly happy on my own. I do relationships on the side, when I feel like doing something different for a change. I just got out of a year-long relationship, and would like to keep this current "different for a change" that I'm doing, a.k.a: being single.

And everything I just said, as much as it is, is all in a very tiny nutshell. And that was just pieces of my summer. The people pieces. The boy pieces. The pieces that have kind of stressed me out because they're new pieces and I don't know how to deal with these kinds of things.

So, I'm at school now. New school and such. I'd keep writing and saying how it has been going, but there is a lot to say, and it's already past 1am, and I'm about to take these pills here and force myself to sleep like I've done every night for the last couple months.

I'll update with Part 2 tomorrow! Full of all the exciting and interesting details of my life since school started! And, ohhhh, there's a lot!

Expect the biggest post ever soon

My roommate is gone for the weekend. And although I've got plans all fucking weekend, I'm going to try my damnedest to get my life written down here.

Spilling Out

Michael: Well reassurance is always nice :b I mean, I kinda feel like I should do something else I guess to maybe help you feel more comfortable about the idea. But I'm not entirely sure why you're not comfortable. I wouldn't mind knowing(if there's even a specific reason) Besides, I really don't want you to date me until you're completely ready. I would want it to have the highest chance of success as possible :b Also, if you don't want to talk about this anymore you can tell me :b

Me: The best way I can think to explain this is that my biggest problem with relationships is that they all seem to be just a "phase" for me. I'll like somebody, a lot, for a long time, then all of a sudden, it seems I wake up one day and don't feel it anymore. And it's absolutely nothing the other person did. That's why my last relationship ended. It blows my mind that it lasted as long as it did. I know if it weren't long-distance through most of it. Like if we saw each other way more throughout the relationship, it would have ended quicker. I'm trying to figure out why that happens with me, and it seems to happen every time without fail. I think that dread is what keeps me from jumping into another one. I think that's the weird feeling I get in my stomach when I think about it. And my last relationship was the most serious one I've ever been in, and since it ended, I've felt that way more than usual. I just don't want to bring other people into my indecisiveness, especially right now with school starting up and other things on my mind.

And that's something I've never told anyone before.

Michael: I don't think your relationships ended necessarily because you just lost interest for no reason. I mean from what I've gathered you said the other serious relationship you had he kind of cheated on you, and moved away. That's a pretty good reason to lose interest. Then with your last one I'm not sure how often or badly it was but you did tell me a few times he would literally take hours to respond to you all the time. and when he did it was always a bunch of excuses. Which I don't see how you wouldn't lose interest in someone who doesn't put even minimal effort into the relationship such as texting back in a reasonable amount of time. I sort of just figured that was what you would be worried about the most. And I wouldn't expect you to tell me if you it was. But just so you know, you wouldn't have to worry about that with me. I mean, I am busy at school but I would for sure have time for you. and I understand if you're busy and I wouldn't get upset about it ever. The only reason I'm bringing this up more now all of the sudden is because I am kind of worried that once you do go to school the chances of us dating will diminish. It'll also kind of suck if you meet someone else and we can't be like we are now. However we are now. I think in a way it has to be considered more than just friends, right? lol. I don't know. but like I said before, I'm okay with just being friends so if one day you tell me we have to strictly be friends then it's nothing I can't handle. I'll be slightly sad though :b But I'll for sure always be your friend. at the least.

Me: I am good at writing. Thanks, I pride myself on it. ^^ Well, those two relationships did have their reasons. I guess the way I felt about breaking up is the bigger problem. I don't know. It was such a serious relationship, and we weren't having any problems (to his knowledge), then all of a sudden I basically broke his heart, and I dreaded having to do it, and I felt like a shitty person for it. One thing I guess I should work on is actually addressing problems I have with someone (like his not ever texting me back) instead of keeping them to myself. When I made up my mind to break up with him, I never talked to him about it until I actually did it. I never told anyone about it. He was the first to know, and that was when it happened. I really just thought about it a lot for a couple months and let it build up inside me I guess. I just wanted to make sure it was really what I wanted and that it was my decision alone with no outside influences. I got kind of depressed because I really didn't want to do it, but I knew I had to because I wasn't happy anymore and so it was like a catch-22: staying in the relationship made me unhappy, and getting out of it made me unhappy; however, being free from it made me feel so relieved. And since then I've just felt better being alone.

Also, I've had a couple, I guess you can say, "unofficial" relationships where this has happened. When I was 17, I was seeing this guy who was 23. And that's not really as creepy as it sounds. He was a friend of the family and had actually asked my dad, before I knew anything about it, if he could ask me out. With which my dad replied, "As long as you don't do anything that'll make me have to shoot you." Or something like that. But he never actually asked me out after all the time, and I eventually just didn't like him anymore. I didn't really want to talk to him or see him. There was absolutely no reason behind it. He never did anything wrong. So, I slowly distanced myself from him, and we quit talking all together. I still see him sometimes, and it's really awkward now because of the elephant in the room.

Sorry for writing a novel lol. When I start telling someone things I've never told before, I kinda just let it all out...

Anticipation

Now I want to write about so much, but I have to sleep and I know I'll spend HOURS writing about my damn summer. HOPEFULLY, I can get it all down tomorrow night.

I had such a good day today for all the wrong reasons.

So many symptoms

My health is making me really depressed.

It's just...

It's just that there's so many new people in my life right now and it's all really weird and it's good and bad at the same time and I feel so uncomfortable talking about them unless I change their names or something and I should probably start doing that.

Weird Summer

So, I guess I lied, and I've given up on this thing lately. I just don't have the motivation to write all the shit that's happened. This has been a weird summer...

Coming Soon

I know I haven't posted in three weeks, and god DAMN do I have a lot to say. I just wish I had the motivation to write here still.... Sometimes I'm just not feelin' it. Lately, that's all the time.

If I Only Had the Heart

The nerve, the words, you'd think by now I would have learned.

I'm perfectly okay with being alone. I've accepted it and I like it. And, as a matter of fact, I prefer it.

I don't really know what to talk about since the last time I posted. This is going to be in no order.

N(H.) has subtly expressed interest last time I hung out with him. Wants to give me a ride on his bike when he gets another helmet. Heh. That probably won't happen. I'm going to keep a strictly platonic and not-hanging-out-other-than-by-chance relationship with him. No need to drag him back into the mess of my indecisiveness.

I went to Murfreesboro over the weekend and had a pretty great time. I stayed at Logan's new house and met his roommates. They're all cool dudes. I visited MTSU* and visited a few places around town. I'm getting more excited and less nervous about going there.

*Of course, now mom is saying I may not be able to go if we can't afford it. The thing about college is I don't have to pay it all now... that's what I'm getting debt for! That's the privilege of furthering one's education! Bah. I don't want to have to take a year off from school because of money... I don't want to get behind more so than I already am.

So I don't really see where she's coming from.

Random:
My mom always says about anyone that her kids get involved with that she doesn't see them amounting to anything. Or going anywhere in life. Or some form of the same sentiment. She says it about all the guys I hang out with (She never said it about Nate though), and she recently said it about the girl Caleb talks to. It's really annoying actually. I think she gets it from Nana. Nana acts like that: No one is ever good enough for her grandkids. This whole thing was just a bit of a rambling tangent, but she just said something that made me think of it. It makes me hate introducing people to her or answering questions about the guys I hang out with. I don't want her to know any of my business.

Oh, this kind of stems from the new family drama news that my cousin Nick's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant. I wasn't too surprised when I found out, but I did think he was smarter than that. Nana's all bent out of shape about it, as well as my aunt (his mom). There's no point in getting so upset over something that has already happened. The only thing to do now is accept it and make the best of it. I wish other people understood that.  Nick told me about it first, so I felt weird keeping it from everyone else. But now the whole family is in the know, and it's a huge deal...

I hung out with Robert for a few days last week. These younger guys are always so slick. So they think. I do like him, but he got pretty close, and it made me realize FOR SURE that I am not ready for a relationship right now. I didn't think this would happen. Pamp told me awhile ago that whenever I broke up with Nate, I would use the excuse that I just got out of a long relationship and don't want another one for awhile. I told him that wouldn't happen, but he was so fucking right. Of course, I'm still talking to him. He even knows about all this...

When I told Robert that I don't want a relationship, it seemed to have come as quite a blow. Well, I guess it's about time he learns just how frustrating I can be. "The sooner you realize..."

I think I'm finally going to hang out with Michael again this weekend. I've had to cancel on him the last two weekends in a row. But I actually want to hang out with him. He's a good guy and fun to be around and knows his boundaries and doesn't get upset when I don't want to date him right now. I'm not saying I never would. Just like the other guys I hang out with who I happen to like, I just don't want to date ANYONE right now. He seems to understand that better than the others. Plus, the whole actual "good guy" thing makes me like him a little more. I'm so used to the company of drinkers, smokers, junkies, and jailbirds that it's nice to hang out with someone more like me for once.

My time is very much in high demand lately. I wish everyone knew how much I like to be alone. I'm getting so wore out and exhausted with seeing people every. single. day.

Friday I'll be hanging out with Dillon maybe. And possibly Nikki too. And Sunday I'm going to the river, and will be hanging out with only family, so that should be nice.

Lately, I kinda feel like I'm on some sort of dating show. There are too many options, and I don't want any of this right now. Why can't people just hang out with me to be my friend? :/ I did hang out with Fonz yesterday. It was nice. I needed that. We saw the Abraham Lincoln movie. It was pretty good. We went to Walmart at midnight and hung out with some people (his friends mostly).

This is one of those few rare moments when I wish I had more female friends. Too bad I'm so sexist... I did hang out with DavRicia for about an hour last Friday. We had "girl talk." Meaning I told her things that I've never told anyone. But, hey, she asked... Anyway, it was actually pretty nice. I need more of that. I can talk to her about things that I wouldn't feel comfortable telling any guy. I have things I want to talk about that no guy would want to hear. Because all the guys I hang out with like me in some way, and these things will bother them. I'm not going to do that to them.

I've come to these realizations lately: I am actually pretty sexist against women. I am in a relationship with myself. It's awesome. I may look like a girl, but I'm not going to act like one.

I like being one of the "bros" for now. Maybe one of these days I'll be able to hang out with "the girls" whoever they may be.

This post was long overdue.

Changes

I'm ready to talk about it now...

So, baby, this is freedom

And I'm not sure if I like it.

Perhaps I see something different in the picture than what's intended. I see how I feel. Except John Lennon is anybody else. Not somebody else. Anybody else.

I've realized that I'm just not ready.

Bound

I always feel like writing when nothing happens. And when a lot has happened, I never feel like writing.

Things have happened.

Right now I'm feeling pretty sick.

Let's see... I went to my dad's house for a little over a week. It's hard being borderline Amish. Hell, if he actually was Amish, it would have been less boring. At least there would be butter to churn for something to do. I had fun when I was spending time with people. There are a lot of stories I could tell. I'd tell them if I were in a writing mood.

I came home for, like, one day that week and met Robert in person. Then I hung out at The Open Hand (a coffee shop type place, I guess is a fair enough way to describe it), with him and some other people for the rest of the day. Everyone there I had met for the first time that day. They were all really cool, and I had a good time.

So, then I went back to my dad's, and it was so super boring during the day when I was the only one home. If I have an internet connection, I don't get bored alone. But with no phone, cable, or internet, there wasn't a damn thing to do. I literally listened to music and stared at a wall for hours on end. Literally. That's not an exaggeration at all.

I hung out with Nick(H). He's been real dodgy lately. I'm not trying to win his affection. Not anymore anyway. But I feel like he purposely ignores me. When he shows up, he'll shake everyone's hand, but he'll completely walk past me. We used to hug each other in welcome and goodbye. Not anymore. I stayed up all night with him one night though, when he was willing to actually talk to me. We didn't talk about much. I can't say I'm really sad about all this because all I would do is hurt him again. Not intentionally, but I'm glad it doesn't have to come to that now. I guess he knows that, which is why he's keeping his distance. 

So, I gathered Fonz and Logan and dragged them to Open Mic Night at The Open Hand on Tuesday. It wasn't too bad except some woman brought, like, five little kids and they were running rampant the whole time. It's not a daycare... Anyway. Then Robert came over the next day and hung out and we had a good time. Watched movies and Moral Orel and talked about stuff and things.

Usually, I'd talk about what's been on my mind lately, and, believe me, there has been a lot, but I just don't feel like writing anymore tonight. No idea when the next is that I'll update. But, until then...

Mustard

I really need to get this all down before I leave. I'm heading to my dad's for a few days.

I went to my high school's graduation and had a gay old time. I went with Logan. He wasn't planning on going, but I guess he decided to go because I said I had no one to go with. Dann managed to find me there. I haven't seen him in about 3 years, so it was weird that he recognized me from behind. I was standing up at the bleachers, and I heard someone behind me call my name, and it was him. He looked the same, except with a shaved head. He acted exactly how I expect him to: very inappropriately. Nate told me that day that he was getting off work early to go to graduation so I may see him there. I joked with Dann that if Nate showed up, I was going to sit in Dann's lap and pretend I was there with him. Dann, of course, had no problem with this and would have done it regardless of Nate's presence lol.

Oh, while the ceremony was going on, there was a fight between two girls right behind us. The cops broke it up, and they had to call an ambulance for one girl who was knocked out on the ground. Trash is what they are. How can people not act fucking civilized?

In the end, Nate never showed up because he couldn't get off work. That was a relief.

As soon as the ceremony was over, I tried to find my newly-graduated friends in the crowd. It was hard... I found John though! He was the main one I was looking for anyway. I congratulated him on beating the final boss. I tried to find Josh but never did. I saw Spencer, a friend who I graduated with. I feel bad because I didn't find CJ either, and I could have said hey to him and the rest of his family since I know them and all.

Afterwards, Logan, Dann, and I went to Sonic for some food. It was fun. Nate called Logan because he was off work, and I told Logan not to say he was with me. But he did tell Nate he was at Sonic, and I was like, "noooo what if he comes here?" But Nate was at BK with Spencer, so it's all good. Logan and I told Nate that we didn't hang out (because I guess Logan owes a loyalty to both of us and we figured it would just make Nate upset that Logan was hanging out with me and Nate wasn't).

I've been hanging out with Fonz a lot. We drove an hour just to eat at Fazoli's one night. It was the first time I had Fazoli's. I wish we had one in town cuz their food is pretty good.

I really don't remember what I was going to say here.

Mom is in Europe for the next 10 days. She's going to London and Italy and I don't even know where. I have a list of all the hotels she'll be in on which dates.

So, I'm about to go to my dad's house for the next few days.

I hung out with Michael the other day. We saw Men in Black 3 and it was actually pretty good. We played pool afterwards. We made a bet beforehand that if he won, he got a kiss. I was supposed to come up with something for me to get if I won, but I kinda sorta expected to lose, and he kinda sorta expected to win anyway. But I won! By pure luck, I won (I suck at pool; I really do). So, we sat in his car and talked for like 2+ hours. That was cool. Then we kissed anyway. It was weird cuz I've never kissed anyone except Nate, so I was being shy. But he knew that beforehand, so it's all good. Haha. I feel like I'm getting in too deep, but he knows where we stand. I told him I don't want a relationship right now and that I don't want to be thrown into another long-distance relationship, so there would be no point to even try since we're both going to go back to school in the fall. Different schools, of course. Far away from each other. So, I guess we're just having fun right now. I am anyway. If he gets his heart broken in the end, I can be partly to blame, but he knows what he's getting himself into. I've told him everything.

So... about that. I've come to realize that the playing field is now even, and it's at the point where I can get what I want. Naturally, I want it all, so I can't handle this. I'm not sure what I'm doing or where I'm going with this, but right now I'm deciding just to have fun and do what I want. I never thought I'd be this way, and I know I'm being kinda vague (<--I've always been THAT way), but I'm ready for it. I think.

I hung out with Fonz yesterday. We went to a little spring carnival that was happening in town. The carnival itself was a bit underwhelming, but I got a funnel cake and that made it all worth it. I found my wallet (it's been missing for well over 3 weeks). So we went to Walmart, and I bought $10-worth of candy. Sweet. Then we went to the movies and saw Dark Shadows. It wasn't too bad. Then we got Little Caesar's, which is pretty damn good for a damn good price. Then we hung out on the couch and internetted until we both went to sleep.

Okay, so now here I am. And I have to hurry up and get stuff packed to go to daddeh's. (no time for spellcheck. not sorry)

Ketchup

So, I guess I've got QUITE a bit of catching up to do.


-graduation
-adventures with fonz
-mom in europe
-hanging with michael

Other things have happened too, but I need to sleep.

I'm developing some revelations about myself and I'm deciding where I want to go from there.

I have got to stop

If your mind's made up, then I'll get going

The title is just something I wish someone else would realize.

Tonight I'm going to bed feeling like a truly shitty person. I know it's probably just because it's late at night and I've been thinking too much. By morning I probably won't even remember what made me feel this way.

Well, I met Michael in person today.

We've been talking seriously tonight.

I don't feel like explaining that.

I guess when I actually update this thing I should talk about graduation. Cuz I did that too.

I need to quit going to bed past 3am...

But, honey, it wasn't you

Well, I think I'm gonna build a fence to keep inside what little sense: the sense of taste, the sense of smell, the sense to sit here and feel like hell...

i love you and i miss you
but i just can't do this anymore
i
can
not

breathe

though no one ever said it directly to my face,
i know everyone was thinking i could do better
and i know i'm throwing away the only good thing i'll ever have
i'm actually pretty good at that
i like you and i like your family
and i feel i made all the right choices with you
and i regret nothing from our relationship
and i will take with me so much that i've learned from you
i will carry this knowledge for the rest of my life
and remember you for the rest of my life
but we're so different in every way
and opposite's do attract, yes
but it was only a matter of time
i can't see myself being with you for the rest of my life
so why keep it going
i only hope you find someone better than me
a good christain girl who will do you right,
talk about her damn feelings like you always wanted,
make your family proud,
and make you the happiest man alive

Day 20: Your fears
1. Public Speaking.
2. Tornadoes
3. Dying
4. Commitment

Day 21: How you hope your future will be like
I just want to be happy. I feel like my future is a lonely one, but I guess that's okay. All I need is me. All that I need is the air that I breathe and all that I need are all things I don't need and all that really matters is what matters to me.

Day 22: Your acedmics
Um... I'm good at them, I guess. Maybe it'll get me somewhere in life...

Day 23: Something that you miss
I always miss a lot of things. I miss those middle school skate shop days. I miss Hell-o-ween Havoc. I miss the friends I had back then that I haven't seen in ages. I miss when life was a little easier. Hell, I miss high school. I miss not being an adult. I miss certain people...

Day 24: Five words/phrases that make you laugh
I think pictures and people make me laugh more than words/phrases
1. When they say "Ho mah gawrd" in Kesha Fabo
2. When Dann unexpectedly ends a sentence with "potato"
3.  Every word Mitch Hedberg has ever said
4. You've come down with a classic case of... my body.
5. gooby pls
6. mcnuggies

Day 25: Something you're currently worrying about
I don't know if this is "worrying" but I'm wondering when this breakup will ever fucking end...

Day 26: Things you like and dislike about yourself
I like that I'm not too terribly stupid and not too terribly naive, and though I do feign naivety a lot (though I'm not deliberately ditzy), I actually do know what's going on most of the time. So, I guess I like that I'm somewhat intelligent. Really, I just like the way I am. I like my taste in music and the fact that I'm so into music in general. I like that I'm not overdramatic or dramatic at all. I DISLIKE that I'm too nice. I wish I were capable of just saying how I really feel sometimes and if something is bothering me then to let someone know. But I usually keep that on the DL.

Day 27: A quote you try to live by
Do unto others... There are too many quotes. But I do take that golden rule to heart.

Day 28: Somewhere you'd like to move to or visit
I'd like to visit Rome/Italy. I'd like to move to Maine because Maine is beautiful and I think it would be lovely to live on the coast near a harbor. But Tennessee (aside from the assbackwards shitty politics) is where my heart's at.

Day 29: Five weird things that you like
1. Blind Melon
2. Ritz crackers in milk
3. Circus/carnival themed things
4. Manatees
5. Maps/Globes

Day 30: One thing you're excited for
MTSU

Now I'm officially caught up AND officially done with those things.

So, I'm home now. Back from Nana's. It was fun while it lasted. I'm going to my high school's graduation tomorrow with Logan to see the handful of people I know who are still in high school graduate.

Also, I got my hair cut and I'm really not sure how I feel about it. I feel like if a younger lady had cut my hair, it would have turned out better and not so old-fashioned. :/ I hope it grows as fast as it as been lately, so I can get it tweaked. I do plan to dye it soon though, so maybe that'll help.

The Midnight Deadline

I guess now is as good a time as any to write this. It's 10:30 and I'm going to try to get it written before midnight. I generally write a little, do something else, write a little more, etc, for longer posts. But I'll try to keep the distractions to a minimum this time.

...as I spend half an hour on Tumblr.

Bah, let's do this chronologically.

 So, a week ago, Nate came over. We had had a bit of a heated discussion on Facebook the night before and both agreed to talk about it in person. I really don't know what he was expecting, but whatever it was, it was out of complete delusion. He hugged and kissed me and asked if I wanted to go to the park. I agreed. I was surprised at how well it was working out because I KNOW (serious) breakups are supposed to happen somewhere neutral. Logan later told me that was his suggestion. Well, Nate didn't know it was a breakup (I just don't see how he didn't see it coming...). We didn't even talk about anything while we were hiking. In the back of my mind, I kept thinking "What if he turns into one of those crazy 'if-i-can't-have-her-then-nobody-can' psychopath killers and kills me. No one would EVER find my body out here!" I laughed inside my head at the thought. I know he would never do a thing like that. So, anyway, he wanted to take me to a movie and out to dinner afterward. I had family plans though, and I wouldn't have done those things with him anyway. I wasn't going to let him spend money on me when I was about to stomp on his heart. I mean, I know it may seem like it to him right now, but I am NOT heartless in the least. I did what I did because I can NOT sacrifice my own happiness that much. I did it for myself, and I know it hurt him, but there's nothing I can do about that that won't make me miserable.

Lover, don't act so surprised. Don't act so damn traumatized. You and I, we knew this one was a-comin'.

So, in his mind, we were going to go on a date, and everything was going to be all fine and dandy and all of our concerns (mostly mine) would just disappear.

False.

I am as indecisive as they come. I thought very long and very hard and lost so much sleep over this. I came to a decision, and when someone as indecisive as me finally makes a decision, it Does. Not. Change. Period. My decision was final. When he came over, I had that decision dead set in my mind, and I was not going to sway. So, after the park, we drove to the movies "just to see what's playing." We talked in the parking lot. It sucks because I had ALL the words to say, but when it came to the time to say them, I had nothing. All I could do was stare blankly out the window and repeat "I don't know...." I was so tongue-tied. He was so desperate to just "try." TRY to bring the spark back. Stay together a little longer and see if things change back to how they used to be. He just doesn't understand that it doesn't work that way. I told him that would be trying to FORCE it, which would only have adverse effects and make things worse.

We went back to my house later (I thought he was going to drop me off, but he came inside and stayed awhile...). When he left, he asked if I wanted to hang out later. Of course my answer was no.

I tried to make things clear. I THOUGHT I MADE THINGS CLEAR. He. Just. Didn't. Understand.

The next day I changed my relationship status on Facebook to "Single." Fucking Facebook, man. Why does it hold so much fucking merit with every-god-damned-body? Nate messaged me and said something like "Well you jumped to that pretty fast." Because obviously I didn't make myself clear enough. In his mind we were still dating.

Then he still messaged me on Facebook constantly (he told me the reason he was being so "clingy" before is because he thought I was "bored with the relationship" because he didn't talk to me enough. As if bombarding me with Facebook messages and comments was going to fix our relationship). He even had the audacity to ask me if I wanted to spend the night at his house one night when he doesn't have to work, clarifying that he knows "we're not together." I just can't see the world through his eyes. I don't understand how his mind works. I told him that wasn't a good idea, and he didn't get why. I just could not handle him anymore...

He eventually told me he would quit talking to me for a "couple of days... or weeks." I guess he finally got it.

They didn't lie when they said breaking up is hard to do.

It doesn't have to mean goodbye when I'm gone. It doesn't have to break our hearts to move on. We've lost a thousand loves in a thousand lives before. This is just one more.

So, of course there are so many details I could add to all of that, but I think that's sufficient.

Besides, it's way past midnight and I've got other things to talk about. I got distracted as usual and this post didn't make the midnight deadline I was hoping for...

Moving on.

Logan and Fonz spent a couple days at my house. Good times. Nate would not leave Logan alone. Poor Logan got dragged into the middle of all of this and this relationship isn't his!

(dammit like 5 people are talking to me on Facebook now and all these conversation are just so good and so funny i've been distracted by them for a very long time).

It's almost 2... this isn't working. Time to wrap this all up in a nutshell.

I went to get new contacts and the lady at the desk was angry cuz I skipped my last appointment, but the doctor was really nice and I was only supposed to wear the contacts for 2 weeks but wore them for 4 months fuck the police and I got more and I haven't worn them yet but it's all good.

Caleb went back to South Caroline on Sunday.  He missed his flight, but it was totally the airport's fault. His flight was supposed to leave at 5:30am. They didn't even open the security gate til 5:20 and the plan was gone by 5:25. It's really not safe for airports to be that unorganized! Anyway, he caught the next flight and made it back okay.

It was also mother's day. I painted my mom a picture a few days ago. I called her and told her where to find it hidden behind my door, and she seemed to like it. So, yay!

I've been at Nana's since Thursday. Fun times. Nick currently doesn't like Pamp for some reason, so he hasn't been over here (I guess he's just burnout and a little annoyed from hanging out with him so often. It happens). Except once he came over at like 9 o clock at night because he was riding a bike in the neighborhood and it was pouring down rain, and his friend left him, so he came here to put the bike in the garage and wait for his mom to come get him. Nick and his girlfriend were asleep on the couch when he walked in. They woke and left immediately (to take her home) without saying a word to him... So I just hung out with Pamp all by myself and had a nice chat and a hug, then he was on his way. Would be nice to see him more, but I shouldn't want that. I still know he's a player, and I'm not the only one he's talking to. I've always known that, but since I DO know that, I don't mind talking to him and seeing him. And, hell, I'm single now. I can have all the illicit fun I want. Hahaha. I sound like a yolofag. We all know I'm a responsible young adult who plays by the rules, goes by the book, and does everything "right" though. For the most part.

I've been spending a lot of time with Nana and Larry since Nick is always at school or with his girlfriend. He and his girlfriend are together EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I just don't see how they do it. I wouldn't be able to no matter how "in love" I was.

Um, today Nick's friend Jesse came over. He was pretty funny.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll be getting my haircut, and I plan to go drastic.

I wish I could go more into detail about everything I've talked about here, but it's way late and I'm way tired and this post is way long.

Shit, I need to sleep...

I'm not proofreading any of this right now. Not sorry for any mistakes, and I'm sure there are a lot.
EDIT: I went back and fixed a lot of mistakes. You're welcome.

Well, I guess that's mostly all I had to talk about.

Yo, I couldn't give a fuck less

Wow, so I should probably really update this soon. I kinda just don't feel like it right now.

Um, here's a list of things I will expand on in my next post:
(mostly so I won't forget)
 -I broke up with Nate
-I got new contacts!
-Logan and Fonz stayed a couple Days
-Caleb went back to the Navy
-Today is Mother's Day
-I'm at Nana's

When you came back into my life

Day 16: Something you always think "what if..." about
I guess I think that about a lot of things, but I don't normally dwell on things. Normally with past relationships though. One of my "what ifs" just came back in my life as I will explain later in this post...

Day 17: Something that you're proud of
I'm proud of the way I am. I'm glad that I'm not dumb and I've luckily escaped drug addiction, pregnancy, and alcoholism, which is damn near impossible in this town it seems.

Day 18: A problem that you have had
I think we all know what that is... I'm getting it all sorted out on Tuesday. Just know that as of now, I know what I'm going to do. I just hope I don't cave and end up not going through with it...

Day 19: Five items you lust after
I believe "lust" is the wrong word here... perhaps "pine" would have been more fitting. I don't feel sexual urges towards items. Um... I can't think of many material things that I have a burning desire to own. Also, it's kind of late and it has been a long night and busy few days, and I've got a lot on my mind. So, I'm not really in any kind of mood to sit and think of material things.

I think I'm caught up with those now.

So, I'm back home for a good long while. I spent Friday in drawing class and that afternoon from 3 til 9 cleaning and packing. Then I got home at 1am and was reunited with Caleb! He got home at around midnight. Logan was there too. Haha, I told him on Facebook that he should come over around midnight and join in the reunion, and he was serious when he said he would.

So, the next morning I got up early, and we all went to the parade. It was super fun. I didn't see as many people as I expected, but damn, I saw someone who I didn't expect. An old friend I guess you could say. Someone from my past. Oh, God, that past...

Remember a time two years ago when I was going through a very difficult situation with a friend? I had someone at that time. We spent countless hours swinging on the porch at night talking until 3am. He saved me from a few situations when things got rough. Then summer ended. School started. I got busy with life and lost interest. I pushed him away, gently. We slowly quit talking. He would text me on holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday... I hadn't seem him much since then. I learned that he had become a pill fiend. It disappointed me and broke my heart but also made me glad I had left when I did.

I thought I had lost interest because I was never really interested in the first place. I thought I clung to him to anchor me in my emotionally unstable state. I thought all those feelings were false, and my brain just needed them to offset all the depression and stress.

I guess not.

Well, I've been thinking about him (NH) a lot lately. The last few months he has been on my mind, and I really actually missed him. While at the parade, I actually wondered what it would be like if I ran into him there because I knew he would probably be there. And wouldn't you know it, we crossed paths! And suddenly all those feelings I had all came back. I know he definitely still feels the same. Body language doesn't lie. He told me how he wrecked his mom's new car and that's when he decided to get clean. Says he doesn't even smoke cigarettes anymore. That makes him so much more desirable. I'm so happy for him too because that shit is hard to get off of. It's stronger than heroin and has worse withdrawal effects.

He came over that night. But of course he did because I told him where I'd be. He and I played basketball... kinda. It was really just an excuse to talk away from everyone else. We talked. Caught up a little. He asked if I had found a boyfriend in Memphis. I said "no" because that was the honest answer to his question. He doesn't know I had one before going to Memphis. I decided not to bring it up... He got a little hammershitfaced later that night. I wonder if what he said about getting off the pills is true. Two years ago he told me he didn't do them. Back then I didn't recognize the signs what with the nodding off and acting like a different person... I know now. So, he got a little drunk and that's okay. I'm going to see him again.

Too bad he seems to come into my life at all the worst times...

I passed out around midnight last night. The party was mostly over. Ryan and Mike being unnecessarily loud woke me up once. Then it stormed and the thunder woke me up. I was so confused when I woke up because first it was a loud bang and then I didn't know where I was...

Today the family came over. Nick and his girlfriend, Nana, and Poppa. I was texting Pamp (via my email since I'm still phoneless) and he said he wanted to come but Nick wouldn't let him. Then Nana said later that they would have brought Pamp but she wasn't sure if  "what's-his-face" was going to be here. Haha, wow... Guess she knows how Pamp feels about "what's-his-face." He is pretty vocal about it.Well, "what's-his-face" was not here. I had a good time. I always like seeing the family.

After they all left, Caleb and Logan came back here and closed the door and sat down. Said we needed to talk. Well, Logan needed to talk to me (per Nate's request). I already knew it was about Nate since they've hung out a couple times recently. Logan told me how Nate has been freaking out and scared to death that I'm going to break up with him. He quit smoking, but when I told him how I felt, he went out, bought a pack, smoked the entire thing, and drove around in his car aimlessly til 3am. Apparently. He's making such a big deal out of it... or maybe I'm heartless and am the only one who sees it the way I do. He also hates Fonz. Ever since that night Fonz stayed the night anyway. Told Logan if he saw him in person he might not be able to resist the urge to punch him in the face or something. Well, he's just going to have to get over it. He should have gotten over it a long time ago... The way I see it, we're young and it's not the end of the world. Even if the tables were turned, I wouldn't be reacting as drastically as he. And, frankly, he's making this all worse for himself by being so damn clingy and needy lately. He has NEVER been this way before, and it's not helping his case. It's hurting it.

So, Fonz and some girl who's a friend of his is coming over tomorrow. She better be cool, or I'll be very annoyed that I allowed her to come over. Haha.

Nate and I made plans to "hang out" on Tuesday. I'm going to finally get this all sorted out.

The batteries in this wireless keyboard are going out...

I'm sorry I no longer care

I know I've gotten a little behind with this everyday challenge thing, but I got busy and who's keeping up with it anyway?

Day 13: Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it
I'm pretty comfortable with my body. I don't hate a lot of things about it. I wish I had clearer skin, but that's my fault for my extremely unhealthy diet I'm guessing. I've been working out and trying to get in shape. My goal isn't to lose weight. I'm perfect fine with my 110-ish lbs. But I'd like to lose fat in some areas. The typical areas where it builds up in women's bodies. Other than that, though, it's all good.

Day 14: What you wore today
Who really cares, honestly? I wore white pants and my Dodos No Color shirt. And now I'm wearing Dr.Suess shorts and a men's L cookie monster shirt. It's a stupid shirt, which is why I sleep in it.

Day 15: Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality
I am a Pisces, and I find it accurate and fitting. Both the negatives:
inwardly reflective
introvert
being walked on
indecisive

And the positives:
gentle
patient
compassionate
accepting

I'm really hungry... I've been eating oatmeal and mac&cheese for, like, the last week and a half. I am so sick of it. I can't wait til Friday when mom gets here because I'm going to ask her to take me out for real foooooood.

So, as of (yesterday), I am officially DONE with IPC. FOR-FUCKING-EVER! It's such a great feeling. I was so inwardly ecstatic after class. My final project, which was shadow art, went over well in class. Way better than expected anyway. So, even though I said "fuck it" to completing the logbook/sketchbook and turning in all my work on the server, I think I'll still make a C in that class. B- if I'm really lucky. Now all I have left to do is a drawing for Friday.

So, freshman year is just about over.
Thank fucking God.

I built a bed in this hole I've made

Day 12: Five guys you find attractive
Hmm... I assume this means anybody. I don't know if I'm comfortable listing the real life people I know, so I'll list the "famous"ones. Those being:
1. Ben Barnes
2. Tom Sturridge
3. Leonardo DiCaprio (of course)
4. Jake Gyllanhaal
5. Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Honorable mentions include: Kennedy Brock, Ryan Gosling, and Brandon Boyd. I could list so many more, but I'll stop here. :b

My relationship shouldn't be this stressful. I'd honestly prefer arguing and fighting all the time and constantly breaking up and getting back together over this guilt trip. I didn't choose to feel this way. But I guess sacrificing my own happiness for his is the only way to have any kind of relationship. I've been doing it my whole life (for everyone else), so I suppose this is my existence and this is the way it has to be.

I'm just tired of feeling guilty. I guess this is all completely my fault and I'm a horrible human being. If you can even call me human at all.

Now I need to be fucking productive or something.

I'm running out of title ideas

Day 11: Your family
Um... okay, what about my family? I guess I'm just supposed to talk about them here. I miss my family. I'm really fortunate to have a close family. I'm transferring schools to be closer to them because I can't stand being this far away. Not right now anyway. I wasn't ready for this. I need to make a lot of changes in my life before I leave again. Anyway, I love my mom. I love my dad. I love my brothers. I love my grandparents, aunt, and cousins (on my mom's side-I don't know any of my dad's side of the family).  So, yeah. I want to see them all again. And I will get to very soon!

My mom is like most moms. She has helped me through a lot and continues to help me. I don't know what I'd do without her. Probably just die. I mean really. I would just die. I've lived with her most of my life since my parents divorced.

My daddy always treated me a little more special cuz I'm the only girl haha. He never says "no" to me. I'm by no means spoiled, but if he could afford it, he probably would have spoiled me growing up. He always let me have all the pets I want. I mean, it got out of hand. I had, like 13 dogs and 7 cats AT ONE TIME for a little while when I was younger. Haha. We have a tradition! The first Saturday in May we always go to the Old Timer's Day parade together. Every year. No one can fuck that up, and no one is allowed to intervene or tag along because this is between me and Daddy. Which reminds me, I need to call him...

Caleb, my twin, has made my recent life very difficult. Growing up, I've always had him there. We literally grew up by each other's sides and have never been apart. So, being all alone at school was really tough. That was one of the things I was not ready for. We used to fight a lot, but we never do anymore. I've always kinda considered him a safety blanket.

Ryan and Josh and Johnny are all great too. We all get along great now, though Ryan, Josh, Caleb, and I used to fight like HELL growing up. Johnny was always way older than us and never fought. Thinking about Josh depressed me. I honestly don't know how much more time we have with him. He needs help...

Nana is a big part of my life too. She's the best grandma ever. She's really cool and not a "typical old lady." She's funny and jokes around. Poppa too. He's an awesome grandpa. And of course I love Nicole and Nick and Robert an Judge to death. I just love my family. :)

- - - - - - - - - -

Nikki and I went to the zoo today. I was going to buy a couple things that I have wanted ever since I've been here, but I'm kinda really poor and that was the last time we'll probably ever go to that zoo, so I guess I can live without those things. I bought Caleb that card I've always wanted to get him. It's a birthday card, but since I'm seeing him for the first time in forever in a week, it's okay that I waited so long to get it.

Uh... so yeah. I gotta get some shit fucking DONE tomorrow and Monday. After Tuesday, I think I'll be pretty set.

So, Nate is just craving my attention. I guess I didn't communicate my point very well. Though I told him plain and simple that I am just not interested in continuing this relationship anymore. :/ I guess in a way I'm putting this off. He wanted to skype, and I turned him down. I don't know what to do. That should be my catchphrase...

Cemetery rain

Day 10: Put your music playlist on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play.
I mostly use Spotify now and have several playlists. Each playlist has a specific meaning and all the songs on them are similar or tell some sort of story together, so it wouldn't really work out. I'm just going to talk about what I've been listening to lately. I've been listening to a lot of Balance and Composure lately. A LOT. I just discovered Margot and the Nuclear So and So's. I quite like them. I found them when I was listening to Dispatch's Spotify radio station. Dispatch is cool too. Swear and Shake is another new one that I like.  I'm really into Now, Now. Since the Eisley concert, I've fallen in love with them as well. I've been listening to a lot more female artists/singers lately.

Thought of you when his lips grazed my neck
Thought of you with his hand up my dress
I thought of you after and before
Wonder if you think of me anymore
-http://www.sailorsandsirens.tumblr.com/tagged/poem

My drawing for drawing class went over very well in critique today. It's a self portrait in which I look pissed off. I was surprised at how much everyone liked it. The good news is I turned in my portfolio and sketchbook, so I never have to worry about those again. My drawing class went to the cemetery today.  We didn't get much work done because it started raining. So we went home. Yeah... Cool story, I know.

Yeah, this is boring. Caleb and I both come home on the same day in exactly one week. C'mooooon.

Gtfo

Day 9: How important you think education is
Uh, pretty fucking important. Ignorance and stupidity is by far the biggest problem in this country, if not the entire world. Studies have shown links between more educated people and lower birthrates. Which would greatly help our overpopulation problem. It's true that all stupid people do is breed. Like rabbits.

So, my super intense week is almost over. Then it's a super intense weekend (if I can bring myself to get shit done), and an easy-going week after that. I CAN'T WAAAAIT. >.< I stayed up til after 4am finishing that research paper. But at least I got shit done. It's a damn good research paper too, if I do say so myself. My papers are always good though. I'm not bragging, but.... Okay, I'm bragging. I've got to work on my stuff for Drawing class that's all due tomorrow.  Meaning, I have to do a drawing (always takes about 4 hours) and work in my sketchbook (will probably also take 4 hours at least...). If I start now, I can maybe be done by 1am. Honestly, the sketchbook is only worth 10% of my grade, so I'll probably half-ass it and not even do everything that's required. Oh well. I just want to get the fuck out of here.

I'm insatiable

Day 8: What you ate today
I don't eat much lately. For breakfast I ate some scrambled eggs. Then I just ate Easy Mac about an hour ago. That's the day's food intake.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Fondness makes the absence longer 
Length loses my interest, I’m a realist, I’m insatiable


It's 9pm and I need to START on a research paper that's due in the morning. It's not complete procrastination this time though. I've actually been working A LOT lately. And all the work I've been doing has kept me from doing other work. I've gotten a lot done this week and it's still not enough... Fuck my life.

Little Hell

Day 7: Five pet peeves
1. When creationists say, "I didn't come from no monkey!" No one ever said monkeys were in this equation...
2. A bunch of little things that basically fall under the category of: Hypocrisy.
3. Leaving my door open when you leave the room.
4. When people always want to be a victim and want pity. You better feel sorry for yourself because I'm not going to feel sorry for you.
5.Music Nazis. I'm in my own room listening to the music that I want to listen to. I will not change it to what you want to listen to or quit playing music just because you don't like this song. If you really can't stand it that much, you can leave.

So, Nate and I are temporarily not on speaking terms. Just my luck this whole thing has to be a fucking slooow process. I didn't want him to hold any resentment toward me because honestly I don't deserve it, but coming out of this, I can tell he's going to. And that's okay. I'd rather he be angry with me than sad at all.

I'm going to be super busy for the rest of this week... I'm hanging in there. I can't fall apart just yet. After next Friday I'll be home free...

Fade

Day 6: Your views on mainstream music
It just sucks that record labels make bands fit into a certain sound. The shit on the radio is just that: shit. Because it's all the same. They use a formula for the "perfect" or most "catchy" song, and virtually ALL the songs on the radio, especially pop songs, use it. I prefer indie music because I feel music should be the work of the people creating it. It should be what THEY want. I don't support record labels making such large profits on SOMEONE ELSE'S talent either. So, that said, I really don't like a lot of mainstream music. I don't like how it sounds, I can't get into it, and it's not "art" in the sense that makes music art. It's just crap. But, I'm not going to refuse to listen to something solely because it's mainstream. I'm not stupid. I'll give anything a chance. And I do like a handful of mainstream artists.

Today was a little better I guess. Not too stressful. I didn't wake up as early as I intended, but I did work out and that made me feel better. I guess it just wore me out, so I can't waste energy worrying about shit. So... yeah. Energy more productively spent. I've got a lot to do still. I'm trying to keep a good pace as to not dig myself into a hole...

Yes, I need to cut these ropes

Day 5: Things you want to say to an ex
I feel like this is all your fault, but I know it's not. I knew this would happen eventually. I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner. I made sure not to make decisions based on you no matter how much you tried to influence them. And I hate to say it, but it looks like you're getting what you want. Even worse, you may get EVERYTHING you want. Don't make me regret it. I don't know what I still see in you, but I know I can't help it. I feel like what happened between us should be both a big deal and nothing at all. I guess I've been pretending it's nothing at all. I never told you that I knew... But at least this time, if I'm stupid enough to come back (which, let's face it, I am), I'll keep my walls up until I see if you've changed. You've shown me a lot of things that have made me question what I told myself about you. I learned a lot from our relationship, and now I feel like I'm throwing all those lessons away. Time will tell. At least this time I won't feel so stupid.

It's like we learned a lesson but conveniently forgot the rules.

God, things are really weird right now. I guess you could say... Now things are awkward and tense. I told him how I feel, and we decided to talk about it in person. Which means I've got to feel this way for two more weeks. And after everything, he still wanted to drive all the way here. Does he not get it?

I suppose this one was to me. Maybe I'm looking to deep into this, over-analyzing, being too poetic... but it makes perfect sense.


Um... so I'm still super depressed and stressed over everything. I hope this week goes by quickly...

You're asking me will my love grow

I don't know. I don't know...

Day 4: Bullet your whole day
So glad this was on a Saturday so it will be short

• Not shit

Yeahhh...



I feel so unbelievably guilty. Today is mine and Nate's anniversary. A whole year. Jesus Christ. So, I get this message from him:

"I don't want you to call me baby or anything, like im not demanding it, idono who would, but idono we've been together a whole year and besides when we're on skype, it's really hard to tell what you actually think about our relationship. Like I'm super fuckin stressed but i still tell you and try to show you how much i care about you. I barely get a response from you. I am not trying to argue or make you angry. I'm just asking how come you don't show "want" or "acknowledgement" towards it is all.............. dont get mad ok"

Actually, he just barely gets a response out of me lately. I can't lie to him, so I just don't say anything at all. :/ The truth is coming though. I really didn't want to do this over a computer... But it may come to that. He doesn't deserve that, and that would be a really shitty thing to do. I was hoping to do this after he was out of school for the summer, so he wouldn't have it on his mind to distract him. I think this is his last week... sigh.

So, I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through these last two weeks. With that looming over my head and all my classes and work and I just don't know what to do for my last IPC project and it's stressing me out like no other...

Oh, I guess I'll do the bullet thing foreal now.

• Woke up at 2pm
• Checked Facebook
• Started talking to Little Lion Man again
• Acknowledged Nate/Anniversary
• Listened to music and browsed the internet as always
• Ate ramen and was thoroughly repulsed
• Wrote this blog

The always ever appropriate story of my love life:

Catnaps and Comas

Day 3: A book you love
Well, that's an easy one. My favorite book is Water For Elephants. It really got me interested in the circus. It's such a good story. I also love The Picture of Dorian Gray. Also Where the Red Fern Grows. Classics. The Story of Edgar Sawtelle is definitely up there on my list. I've read lots of good books.

I starting to get really depressed again. I realized it today. I've actually been kind of mean to people lately, and anyone who knows me knows I'm almost incapable of the faintest hint of meanness. I've mostly just been saying how I feel and not letting people walk all over me. I'm done being a pushover. But anyway, I'm still really lethargic. I hope it doesn't get worse. I really need to be productive these last two weeks. I'm not in quite the slump I was in during August, and I hope it doesn't get to that point again... It's just really weird that this is happening.

I'm really tired and lightheaded and hungry and nauseated right now. So... this post was pointless and I'm taking nap. Or a coma.

Do you feel it slipping away?

Day 2: Something you feel strongly about.
I really don't feel like getting into this. There are a lot of issues I feel strongly about. Let's just say, politically, I'm extremely left. Religiously, I'm extremely not. And everywhere else I'm extremely Pisces.

You know how before someone commits suicide, they slowly distance themselves or drift away from their friends and family? HOW do they do it? I'm not committing suicide obviously. I'm not that dramatic. Not right now anyway. I'm just trying to sail my little boat to the other side of the ocean, but there's a fucking anchor that won't budge.

I guess he feels it slipping away. He's more... clingy than usual. It's annoying. Everything is annoying now. I just can't do it anymore.

Inside my head, I keep screaming leave me alone!, but it's not right.

...Meanwhile, I've been feeding the fanclub.

And, oh, the whole world is still on my string.

So, it begins

Day 1. Five Ways to Win You Heart:
I'd have to really think about this one. Well, for 1), keeping me warm, or trying to, is probably the nicest thing ever. I'm constantly freezing, especially my hands, so warmth is one of my favorite things. Call me cliched, but my heart melts for someone who 2)can sing, especially if they 3)play acoustic guitar as well. But these things aren't necessary. Really, I just like someone who's 4)good to me and can be a gentlemen. Basically just someone who respects me. I guess the last thing is 5) intelligence. Ignorance and hate are huge turn offs. Also, 6)* must love dogs. :P

So, I really need to do some research and an outline for a research paper by morning. Instead, I'm watching The Voice. I regret nothing.

Also, I haven't been spending money on food lately. I went to the store today and bought milk and bread and stuff that will last awhile (hopefully for the next two weeks-but knowing the way people waste stuff around here probably not...). I really want candy... but I'm trying to cut out the fattening stuff.

How do I go back to page one?

"I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't.”
-Marilyn Monroe. 

I'm going to do this. I'm going to answer one question a day. This is usually a Tumblr thing, but I don't want to share such personal information with Tumblr right now. I'll start tomorrow (or edit this post later today if it lists it this post under today's day since I'm editing it at midnight).

 

I've been reading a lot of my drafts. You know, the stuff that's too personal to even publish on a public, yet still very private, blog. They're madly interesting. To me. They make me feel weird though... Well, for example, one of them simply says, "I hate thinking of happy memories and not feeling happy about them." That pretty much sums it all up.

 Also, it annoys me when I have to turn my music down at midnight because someone in the other room is trying to "sleep" when that someone in the other room NEVER goes to bed this early, and in fact usually makes a bunch of noise (and sometimes cries loudly and obnoxiously for seemingly hours over petty reasons) until the wee hours of the morning. And I never said a word. It'll all be over in 3 weeks. Just 3 more weeks..