Wouldn't it be nice if you could stay in love with me?
The other night I was in a bad mood. And by the other night I mean I'm in a constant bad mood lately. But the other night specifically, Jonah asked me what was wrong when we went to bed. I didn't want to tell him, but as always, he pulled it out of me. I told him how I've been feeling lately. The same kind of things I've been saying on this blog. Told him I'm not happy that he's leaving and that I feel unimportant. He continues to make me feel shittier by supporting my belief. Just goes to prove that, once again, I am right.
He has literally told me that his church is more important. Okay. I get that. Most people with some sort of belief system claims it is the most important thing to them. Maybe I'd accept it more if it weren't a fucking cult.
The other night I didn't say anything about the girl. But that may be my biggest problem.
He told me he was worried about his decision and didn't want to make the wrong decision. He cried a little. I cried a little. Somehow it all felt insincere.
So I got home from work yesterday, after that nightly talk, and he wants me to sit by him... as he researches apartments to live in in Texas and tells me all about them. That's just adding insult to injury. It put me in a bad mood. Then he went in the other room and played video games with his buddy in Texas (through team chat, of course). But I had to hear him talk about The Girl and the church, and I couldn't tune it out. I was absolutely miserable and had to leave.
So, I took my dog out like I was just taking him for a walk, but I got in my car and drove around for an hour. Jonah didn't know I was missing until half an hour later. He texted me and tried calling me a few times. I ignored it. I got a milkshake thinking it would make me feel better. I ordered an oreo shake... they gave me chocolate. It had oreos in it, but it was chocolate. I don't like chocolate, so that was a waste of money. I drove around and listened to music with Bear in the car with me. When I finally decided to go home, I couldn't find my wallet. I somehow lost it in the car. I looked for awhile but said "fuck it" and went inside. The last text Jonah sent was "This isn't cool" and he was pissed at me when I got home.
I went to the bedroom and got in bed. He came in there yelling at me for how I've been acting and I said "Sorry this is all about you." And then he wanted me to tell him what was going on with me. I don't know what to say that I haven't already said. After he forced it out of me, I even told him about the issue I have with the girl. I told him how I KNOW my opinions don't matter, especially when it comes to her, because nothing is going to change. He said that he had a talk with her about that. I said, "Show me. Show me the conversation." He replied, "I can't because it's deleted." I said, "That's what I thought." And then I couldn't look at him. It's just infuriating. He openly admitted to hiding things. When I said something along the lines of "Because you have something to hide." He was silent. He had no rebuttal. Not even a lie.
I called him out on all his lies last night AS he was telling them. He made the point, "If I can forgive and be friends with an ex who was shitty to me, I can be friends with you, who I love the most" or some dumb bullshit like that. I told him, "I never appreciated you talking to you ex." And he said, as he has said before, "It was just the one time." I immediately snapped, "No, it wasn't." And he met that one with silence too.
I started crying eventually and couldn't stop. He wanted me to eat, but I couldn't. We compromised by me joining him in the living room while he ate. I cried on the couch the whole time until I fell asleep. I didn't know I fell asleep until he woke me up to go to bed.
I woke up this morning bright and early. 7am on a day off. Fuckin' A. But I woke up not feeling ANY better at all. I've been lying in bed all morning and thinking.
I think I need to leave. I'm just going to be miserable here. Right now, I feel like the best thing for me is to pack my shit and go somewhere else because I see no point in staying. I see no point in continuing this relationship if it has a deadline. I see no point in meeting that deadline if it's going to be miserable the whole way there. I see no point in putting in ANY effort if NOTHING is going to change.
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Saturday, June 25, 2016
It never gets better
My mood fluctuates a lot. I go back and forth with what I want. On one hand, I don't want it to end. I get depressed thinking about it ending because I expected this one to last much longer. I do love him. It's been the best relationship I've had thus far.
But on the other hand, I get so fed up that I know it will never last. The problems are ones that I don't see ever changing.
And when I get this way, stuck between a rock and a hard place, I know it's the beginning of the end. I guess I've known for awhile.
We've all got it pretty much decided that Jonah is moving to Texas in September, and our roommate and I are going to get a place together. I don't really want a lease... but I can't just abandon him. He can't afford to live out here on his own. I wouldn't be able to either, but I've got places to go if I needed to. He doesn't.
I like our roommate. He and I get along really well and he's a cool dude. But all of this means that The Struggle will not be ending in the foreseeable future. I'm not looking forward to any of it.
But on the other hand, I get so fed up that I know it will never last. The problems are ones that I don't see ever changing.
And when I get this way, stuck between a rock and a hard place, I know it's the beginning of the end. I guess I've known for awhile.
We've all got it pretty much decided that Jonah is moving to Texas in September, and our roommate and I are going to get a place together. I don't really want a lease... but I can't just abandon him. He can't afford to live out here on his own. I wouldn't be able to either, but I've got places to go if I needed to. He doesn't.
I like our roommate. He and I get along really well and he's a cool dude. But all of this means that The Struggle will not be ending in the foreseeable future. I'm not looking forward to any of it.
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
I Know It's Over
Sam (that's your code name on here; it's a strong name, okay?), I just want you to know that I feel the same way. This is the only place I can say that.
Jonah says "When I go to Texas..." a lot lately. His mind is made up. And mine is pretty much made up that he's going alone... This breakup isn't going to suck as much as the last one, but it's going to hurt more. I've rarely been hurt from parting with someone because I'm usually the one doing the parting after already having distanced myself. This one is going to hurt because I really do love Jonah. It's just this last month or so has been hard. My faith is shaken and my doubts are high...
I make the comment "maybe I should just live somewhere else" a lot in regards to me living in this apartment. He pointed it out today that I say that a lot lately. I said I get the feeling sometimes he doesn't really like me. I just don't feel like he loves me as much as he claims to. Up until this point, I've been 100% honest, faithful, and respecting toward Jonah. I'm still all of those things except maybe a bit less honest. I'm not telling him how I feel. I'm not telling him the plans I've made for when he leaves. I've already secured a place to go. I'm looking for a better job; not because he said he'll stay if I get one, but because I need to be able to afford to live without him.
I asked him today if he could buy our friend Tom's truck and I sell the car. The dilemma is if he takes the car with him, I'll have to rely on him to make the payments. If I keep the car, I have to make the payments. I can't afford it. Can I trust him to make the payments for three years? I don't know. He said he's not a shitty person and wouldn't do that to me, but I don't know how he's going to feel down the line. If he meets somebody new (or gets with The Girl), why would he give a shit about sending his ex-girlfriend money every month? I told him that too. And he said he'd still love me, and would reliably pay it... I just can't risk it. We decided the best thing to do would be to sell the car to him, but he has to get his credit up before my lien holder will allow me to sign it over to him to take over the payments). Talking about it made me sad. Hearing about him moving out there at all makes me sad.
I figure if I start now mentally preparing for it to end, it won't be so bad when it inevitably and soon does... I've just had to question "what's the point?" too much. I'll still put in the effort and go through the motions, but deep down, I know I'm growing distant. It's too hard to keep close when your mind is flooded with doubts. And as usual there's bitterness and resentment.
I used to feel resentment towards certain things in this relationships, like the way he treated our dogs unfairly or anything to do with drugs. Now I feel a whole hell of a lot of resentment towards this girl. I feel like he just needs to be with her. It's been 5 years in the making and he finally got to meet her. She'll be in Texas when he moves there. He's made it clear without directly saying it that my opinion on her doesn't matter and nothing is going to change with her. I told Meyer today that this church and this girl are bigger than me and I feel much less important than those things. I've accepted it. And the next step from accepting it is to move on from it.
It felt good to hang out with Sam yesterday. And I feel like it's wrong of me to bring it up, but I feel like you brought it up first by saying you're still fond of me. After all this time, I'm still very much fond of you, and I just need you to know that.
While I was writing this, these three songs came on shuffle back to back. How perfect.
A Change is Gonna Come - Sam Cooke
Crying in the Rain - Carol King
I Know It's Over - Jeff Buckley
Jonah says "When I go to Texas..." a lot lately. His mind is made up. And mine is pretty much made up that he's going alone... This breakup isn't going to suck as much as the last one, but it's going to hurt more. I've rarely been hurt from parting with someone because I'm usually the one doing the parting after already having distanced myself. This one is going to hurt because I really do love Jonah. It's just this last month or so has been hard. My faith is shaken and my doubts are high...
I make the comment "maybe I should just live somewhere else" a lot in regards to me living in this apartment. He pointed it out today that I say that a lot lately. I said I get the feeling sometimes he doesn't really like me. I just don't feel like he loves me as much as he claims to. Up until this point, I've been 100% honest, faithful, and respecting toward Jonah. I'm still all of those things except maybe a bit less honest. I'm not telling him how I feel. I'm not telling him the plans I've made for when he leaves. I've already secured a place to go. I'm looking for a better job; not because he said he'll stay if I get one, but because I need to be able to afford to live without him.
I asked him today if he could buy our friend Tom's truck and I sell the car. The dilemma is if he takes the car with him, I'll have to rely on him to make the payments. If I keep the car, I have to make the payments. I can't afford it. Can I trust him to make the payments for three years? I don't know. He said he's not a shitty person and wouldn't do that to me, but I don't know how he's going to feel down the line. If he meets somebody new (or gets with The Girl), why would he give a shit about sending his ex-girlfriend money every month? I told him that too. And he said he'd still love me, and would reliably pay it... I just can't risk it. We decided the best thing to do would be to sell the car to him, but he has to get his credit up before my lien holder will allow me to sign it over to him to take over the payments). Talking about it made me sad. Hearing about him moving out there at all makes me sad.
I figure if I start now mentally preparing for it to end, it won't be so bad when it inevitably and soon does... I've just had to question "what's the point?" too much. I'll still put in the effort and go through the motions, but deep down, I know I'm growing distant. It's too hard to keep close when your mind is flooded with doubts. And as usual there's bitterness and resentment.
I used to feel resentment towards certain things in this relationships, like the way he treated our dogs unfairly or anything to do with drugs. Now I feel a whole hell of a lot of resentment towards this girl. I feel like he just needs to be with her. It's been 5 years in the making and he finally got to meet her. She'll be in Texas when he moves there. He's made it clear without directly saying it that my opinion on her doesn't matter and nothing is going to change with her. I told Meyer today that this church and this girl are bigger than me and I feel much less important than those things. I've accepted it. And the next step from accepting it is to move on from it.
It felt good to hang out with Sam yesterday. And I feel like it's wrong of me to bring it up, but I feel like you brought it up first by saying you're still fond of me. After all this time, I'm still very much fond of you, and I just need you to know that.
While I was writing this, these three songs came on shuffle back to back. How perfect.
A Change is Gonna Come - Sam Cooke
Crying in the Rain - Carol King
I Know It's Over - Jeff Buckley
Monday, June 13, 2016
We need to talk
I wish I had written this sooner so it was more fresh on my memory.
The other day I came home from work, and Jonah was ignoring me. When I walked into the bedroom he said, "We need to talk." I asked what it was about, and it was about everything that has been going on lately. He asked what was going on with me. I wasn't prepared for this conversation, but I think I got most of it out. I told him that I've been depressed lately because I feel disrespected and I don't like that he's always talking to these girls. We really only discussed the one girl. I told him I don't like how much he talks to her and I don't like that they send pictures back and forth. He said they have been friends for 5 years and that this caused problems in his last relationship. All I could think was that if it caused problems in the last one, how could he expect it to be okay in this one? I don't feel good after the conversation because I know he doesn't see it my way. I know his mind has not changed at all. I know he will never see this girl in the light that me, and his last girlfriend apparently, see her in. I told him, "For someone who claims to be so territorial, this is all very hypocritical." I asked him how he would feel if *I* were sending photos to some dude. For that point only he saw it my way. By the end of the conversation he resolved to quit sending her photos. That's it. That's the compromise on his part.
He asked my why I hadn't said anything about what has been bothering me. I told him if I complain about it, nothing will change and that he'll just find better ways to hide it. He was offended, but now that time has passed, was I wrong? Just because I haven't seen him talking to her as much, doesn't prove that he's not doing it. I know he would absolutely never quit talking to her.
During our little talk, he offered to let me read the messages on his phone right in front of him. He doesn't know that I had snooped in the past, but I actually haven't done it since he got his new phone. I've been way too depressed and knew anything I found out would make it worse, and I couldn't handle for it to get worse. I just couldn't. So I told him that I didn't want to see his phone and at this point he has had time to delete anything he needed to. I wish I had told him that I KNEW he had deleted evidence in the past. Because my statement, again, offended him, and he acted like that's something he would never do. I wish I had told him to pull up the conversation with his ex-girlfriend then. I know that one has long been deleted. I read it before he deleted. And I noticed as soon as it was gone.
Not to mention, I'm right again. Last night I was using his phone for Facebook because mine was dead. And I decided to check WhatsApp, you know, since he had given me permission to read his messages. The conversation with the girl was there. In fact, it's the only thing he uses WhatsApp for, and it's his most used app on his phone behind the News app. But guess what wasn't there! The entire conversation with the girl EXCEPT for the messages she had sent him that day. The ones where she wished him a Happy Valentine's Day because according to her it was Valentine's Day in Brazil. How sweet, right?
During our conversation I learned that he had been talking to the girl about our relationship problems. Red flag. I told him that that is disrespectful and that it's no one else's business. His excuse was "Well, who am I supposed to go to? You won't talk to me." You're not supposed to go to the girl who is constantly flirting with you. That is definitely the #1 person NOT to go to. I know he doesn't tell this girl to quit flirting with him. I know he doesn't tell this girl to quit sending him pictures. He claims it's because it's part of her culture (to which I replied, "But it's not YOUR culture."), but I know it's really because he likes it.
He tried to argue against me and say all my friends are dudes and that he doesn't get jealous when I talk to them. I rarely talk to anyone who isn't Jonah or Jonah's brother. And I make sure to let all of my friends know about Jonah and that I am happily in a long-term VERY committed relationship with him. I told Jonah this. All of my male friends are well aware of him, and I don't go to them with my relationship problems. A courtesy that *I* do not get.
In fact, all the friends I even hang out with have met Jonah. I've hung out with them WITH Jonah.
I told Jonah that my phone is unlocked and I don't ever delete messages. And last night I purposely left my Facebook logged in on his phone. I did that as an open invitation to snoop to his heart's content because I know I have nothing to hide and have been completely honest in this relationship. I told him the "I don't delete anything" bit to make him feel guilty for doing it, but he thinks he has been so slick about it and acted completely innocent.
We went to a show the other night, and I got black out drunk as I am wont to do. I know we weren't fighting when we left the show, but after we left, I only have two memories. One memory is of Jonah yelling at me in the car. All I remember it being about is that I was saying "If it caused problems in the last one and this one, it will always cause problems." Concerning the girl. My only other memory is taking the dogs out when we got home.
I later found out that Jonah had slept on the couch that night. He told me he got mad at me in the car because I was saying things like "you don't love me" and "you're going to leave me." I suppose that made him mad because he claims to love me more than anything. Claims to. :/ Maybe it's my fault that I don't feel it.
It was progress, but I don't feel 100% better. He lied to me about things. I didn't have the courage to call him out.
And now we've got this whole Texas thing really looming over our heads. I've told him it seems he's already made up his mind to go. I was feeling better thinking he was actually considering staying because these last few days he has been looking at houses here in Tennessee. He said he would stay if he can buy a house. Unfortunately, he called about a loan today, and his credit score isn't good enough. So... Texas it is. For him, not me.
I'm still on the fence. I really don't want to move to Texas. He has so many reasons to move there. First and foremost, his church. Secondly, his friend from the Army. Another reason is there is a school there he wants to go to. He has already applied. And he would never say it to me, but the girl is definitely a reason for at least the first few months he is there.
I have so many reasons NOT to go. I have no one in Texas. If I went, it would be just to follow him. I've told him this. I don't want to live in his friend's house. I don't want to attend his church. And I REALLY don't want to be in the same state as this girl. It's bad enough that she'll be in the same country... I just can't help but to feel if I packed up my entire life and moved to Texas, I would be miserable. Other than Jonah, there is nothing there for me. And the way things have been lately, I don't want to move to Texas and then end up NOT having Jonah.
He told me one night when we were in bed that he's pretty sure one of two things are going to happen: He's either going to have to go to Texas alone, or I'm going to go to Texas with him and be miserable. Those are his two options because staying in Tennessee apparently just isn't one. And I'm beginning to feel the same way. I don't see me moving to Texas and being happy. I'm already unhappy this far away, and the things that are making me unhappy are in Texas (or will be soon).
Another thing, Jonah is going to church this weekend. The girl will be there. I'm going to be a mess all weekend. I know he wouldn't cheat on me, but it doesn't keep me from feeling anxious and pissed off.
I've been thinking a lot about what's going to happen at the end of August... that's when he is moving. I'm still considering, only a tiny bit, going to Texas. But I'm pretty sure, he'll be going alone. And I'll be left here alone. I can try to make these last couple months worth it. Make the best of it. But then I feel like "what's the point?" when there is a deadline.
For the last few months, I've been torn. I can be the best girlfriend and make him realize he doesn't want to leave me. Or I can let use drift apart so that it's not so painful when we finally do split. I wish I had the foresight to know which to do. I go back and forth. Some days I am loving and affectionate. Others I am distant. My mood changes. I just don't want to put in effort that ends up being for naught. But I also don't want to be a shitty girlfriend...
During our talk, he tried to convince me that jealousy only comes from feelings of guilt from not treating the other person right. He essentially tried to say that I'm probably jealous because I feel like I'm not treating him as well as I could. I never felt this way, so it must be how he feels, which confirms my suspicions all along. Why he has been reaching out to ex-girlfriends and finding comfort in these other girls. If that's the way he feels, then it's not meant to last.
The other day I came home from work, and Jonah was ignoring me. When I walked into the bedroom he said, "We need to talk." I asked what it was about, and it was about everything that has been going on lately. He asked what was going on with me. I wasn't prepared for this conversation, but I think I got most of it out. I told him that I've been depressed lately because I feel disrespected and I don't like that he's always talking to these girls. We really only discussed the one girl. I told him I don't like how much he talks to her and I don't like that they send pictures back and forth. He said they have been friends for 5 years and that this caused problems in his last relationship. All I could think was that if it caused problems in the last one, how could he expect it to be okay in this one? I don't feel good after the conversation because I know he doesn't see it my way. I know his mind has not changed at all. I know he will never see this girl in the light that me, and his last girlfriend apparently, see her in. I told him, "For someone who claims to be so territorial, this is all very hypocritical." I asked him how he would feel if *I* were sending photos to some dude. For that point only he saw it my way. By the end of the conversation he resolved to quit sending her photos. That's it. That's the compromise on his part.
He asked my why I hadn't said anything about what has been bothering me. I told him if I complain about it, nothing will change and that he'll just find better ways to hide it. He was offended, but now that time has passed, was I wrong? Just because I haven't seen him talking to her as much, doesn't prove that he's not doing it. I know he would absolutely never quit talking to her.
During our little talk, he offered to let me read the messages on his phone right in front of him. He doesn't know that I had snooped in the past, but I actually haven't done it since he got his new phone. I've been way too depressed and knew anything I found out would make it worse, and I couldn't handle for it to get worse. I just couldn't. So I told him that I didn't want to see his phone and at this point he has had time to delete anything he needed to. I wish I had told him that I KNEW he had deleted evidence in the past. Because my statement, again, offended him, and he acted like that's something he would never do. I wish I had told him to pull up the conversation with his ex-girlfriend then. I know that one has long been deleted. I read it before he deleted. And I noticed as soon as it was gone.
Not to mention, I'm right again. Last night I was using his phone for Facebook because mine was dead. And I decided to check WhatsApp, you know, since he had given me permission to read his messages. The conversation with the girl was there. In fact, it's the only thing he uses WhatsApp for, and it's his most used app on his phone behind the News app. But guess what wasn't there! The entire conversation with the girl EXCEPT for the messages she had sent him that day. The ones where she wished him a Happy Valentine's Day because according to her it was Valentine's Day in Brazil. How sweet, right?
During our conversation I learned that he had been talking to the girl about our relationship problems. Red flag. I told him that that is disrespectful and that it's no one else's business. His excuse was "Well, who am I supposed to go to? You won't talk to me." You're not supposed to go to the girl who is constantly flirting with you. That is definitely the #1 person NOT to go to. I know he doesn't tell this girl to quit flirting with him. I know he doesn't tell this girl to quit sending him pictures. He claims it's because it's part of her culture (to which I replied, "But it's not YOUR culture."), but I know it's really because he likes it.
He tried to argue against me and say all my friends are dudes and that he doesn't get jealous when I talk to them. I rarely talk to anyone who isn't Jonah or Jonah's brother. And I make sure to let all of my friends know about Jonah and that I am happily in a long-term VERY committed relationship with him. I told Jonah this. All of my male friends are well aware of him, and I don't go to them with my relationship problems. A courtesy that *I* do not get.
In fact, all the friends I even hang out with have met Jonah. I've hung out with them WITH Jonah.
I told Jonah that my phone is unlocked and I don't ever delete messages. And last night I purposely left my Facebook logged in on his phone. I did that as an open invitation to snoop to his heart's content because I know I have nothing to hide and have been completely honest in this relationship. I told him the "I don't delete anything" bit to make him feel guilty for doing it, but he thinks he has been so slick about it and acted completely innocent.
We went to a show the other night, and I got black out drunk as I am wont to do. I know we weren't fighting when we left the show, but after we left, I only have two memories. One memory is of Jonah yelling at me in the car. All I remember it being about is that I was saying "If it caused problems in the last one and this one, it will always cause problems." Concerning the girl. My only other memory is taking the dogs out when we got home.
I later found out that Jonah had slept on the couch that night. He told me he got mad at me in the car because I was saying things like "you don't love me" and "you're going to leave me." I suppose that made him mad because he claims to love me more than anything. Claims to. :/ Maybe it's my fault that I don't feel it.
It was progress, but I don't feel 100% better. He lied to me about things. I didn't have the courage to call him out.
And now we've got this whole Texas thing really looming over our heads. I've told him it seems he's already made up his mind to go. I was feeling better thinking he was actually considering staying because these last few days he has been looking at houses here in Tennessee. He said he would stay if he can buy a house. Unfortunately, he called about a loan today, and his credit score isn't good enough. So... Texas it is. For him, not me.
I'm still on the fence. I really don't want to move to Texas. He has so many reasons to move there. First and foremost, his church. Secondly, his friend from the Army. Another reason is there is a school there he wants to go to. He has already applied. And he would never say it to me, but the girl is definitely a reason for at least the first few months he is there.
I have so many reasons NOT to go. I have no one in Texas. If I went, it would be just to follow him. I've told him this. I don't want to live in his friend's house. I don't want to attend his church. And I REALLY don't want to be in the same state as this girl. It's bad enough that she'll be in the same country... I just can't help but to feel if I packed up my entire life and moved to Texas, I would be miserable. Other than Jonah, there is nothing there for me. And the way things have been lately, I don't want to move to Texas and then end up NOT having Jonah.
He told me one night when we were in bed that he's pretty sure one of two things are going to happen: He's either going to have to go to Texas alone, or I'm going to go to Texas with him and be miserable. Those are his two options because staying in Tennessee apparently just isn't one. And I'm beginning to feel the same way. I don't see me moving to Texas and being happy. I'm already unhappy this far away, and the things that are making me unhappy are in Texas (or will be soon).
Another thing, Jonah is going to church this weekend. The girl will be there. I'm going to be a mess all weekend. I know he wouldn't cheat on me, but it doesn't keep me from feeling anxious and pissed off.
I've been thinking a lot about what's going to happen at the end of August... that's when he is moving. I'm still considering, only a tiny bit, going to Texas. But I'm pretty sure, he'll be going alone. And I'll be left here alone. I can try to make these last couple months worth it. Make the best of it. But then I feel like "what's the point?" when there is a deadline.
For the last few months, I've been torn. I can be the best girlfriend and make him realize he doesn't want to leave me. Or I can let use drift apart so that it's not so painful when we finally do split. I wish I had the foresight to know which to do. I go back and forth. Some days I am loving and affectionate. Others I am distant. My mood changes. I just don't want to put in effort that ends up being for naught. But I also don't want to be a shitty girlfriend...
During our talk, he tried to convince me that jealousy only comes from feelings of guilt from not treating the other person right. He essentially tried to say that I'm probably jealous because I feel like I'm not treating him as well as I could. I never felt this way, so it must be how he feels, which confirms my suspicions all along. Why he has been reaching out to ex-girlfriends and finding comfort in these other girls. If that's the way he feels, then it's not meant to last.
Sunday, June 5, 2016
While you're out looking for sugar
Somebody's gonna take your honey and be gone.
When I mentioned unmatched effort, it was in relation to the honesty thing. Ya know? The not-doing-things-behind-one's-back thing. I have never been so jealous in a relationship. And I've said time and again that I don't respond to jealousy with anger. It deteriorates my self-worth instead. I've been feeling like shit lately. I've been distancing myself for sure. I'm not willing to pretend.
A past me would appease myself by getting revenge. Little revenge. In this case, a past me would start talking to my exes... skyping them after Jonah goes to bed... sending random dudes (who hit on me all the time) pictures of myself.
You know, just to get even. Just to do all the things that he has been doing.
But for once in my life, I don't want to. I have no desire to talk to my exes. I've been very good in this relationship. I've been absolutely open and honest. I don't want to change that.
The other day he told me that his friend from Brazil is coming to America and it's going to be "weird." I asked why is it going to be weird. I know why. It's because they used to have a "thing" even though they've never met. I know she flirts with him. I know she likes him. And I know he likes her too. He told me very early in our relationship that before I came along, he was going to pay to fly her from Brazil and have her live with him for 6 months. You don't do that just as a friendly thing. What was she going to do? Sleep on the couch for 6 months? I doubt it. She was going to sleep in his bed.
I know I'm not crazy. She was emailing him the other day, and asked if he wanted to workout with her. He asked "workout how?" and the girl said something like "Abnominals... in my bedroom." I know this because I snooped. He has a new phone now (he used a tablet before), so now he has WhatsApp and can message her like texting. How fucking convenient. She asked for a picture of him, and he sent her one. I know this because he told me. I told him "If she's asking for pictures, she likes you." Implying that I know she likes him. And he said "No, it doesn't." I didn't want to press the issue because it was a dumb thing to argue about, but I really don't like this girl. I think that's fair. She's aware of me. I blame Jonah for not telling his ex-girlfriend's about me when he texts them and they hit on him, but the Brazilian girl knows I exist and knows that Jonah is still with me. So I dislike her. But Jonah isn't helping the situation at all. I'm going to get my hands on his phone and see what they've been talking about. I know she's sent him pictures of her because I saw it when I glanced at his phone. He's not very sly about it. He ignores me when I'm right beside him because he's too absorbed in his phone, and that's what started all of this. That's when I got suspicious. And once I get suspicious, there's no fucking stopping me. Because every time I've ever made it a mission to retrieve information, all of my suspicions have been confirmed. I'm always proven right.
I'd like to talk to him about this. I just feel like he'll resort to gaslighting. He will lie through his teeth and try to make me sound crazy. The best way I have about talking about the things that bother me is dropping hints. I've dropped hints about him being on his phone all the time. I've dropped hints and "joked" about his "other girlfriends."
But, honestly, I'll probably just bottle it up until it explodes. It has already gone too far. Jonah has gone too far.
When I mentioned unmatched effort, it was in relation to the honesty thing. Ya know? The not-doing-things-behind-one's-back thing. I have never been so jealous in a relationship. And I've said time and again that I don't respond to jealousy with anger. It deteriorates my self-worth instead. I've been feeling like shit lately. I've been distancing myself for sure. I'm not willing to pretend.
A past me would appease myself by getting revenge. Little revenge. In this case, a past me would start talking to my exes... skyping them after Jonah goes to bed... sending random dudes (who hit on me all the time) pictures of myself.
You know, just to get even. Just to do all the things that he has been doing.
But for once in my life, I don't want to. I have no desire to talk to my exes. I've been very good in this relationship. I've been absolutely open and honest. I don't want to change that.
The other day he told me that his friend from Brazil is coming to America and it's going to be "weird." I asked why is it going to be weird. I know why. It's because they used to have a "thing" even though they've never met. I know she flirts with him. I know she likes him. And I know he likes her too. He told me very early in our relationship that before I came along, he was going to pay to fly her from Brazil and have her live with him for 6 months. You don't do that just as a friendly thing. What was she going to do? Sleep on the couch for 6 months? I doubt it. She was going to sleep in his bed.
I know I'm not crazy. She was emailing him the other day, and asked if he wanted to workout with her. He asked "workout how?" and the girl said something like "Abnominals... in my bedroom." I know this because I snooped. He has a new phone now (he used a tablet before), so now he has WhatsApp and can message her like texting. How fucking convenient. She asked for a picture of him, and he sent her one. I know this because he told me. I told him "If she's asking for pictures, she likes you." Implying that I know she likes him. And he said "No, it doesn't." I didn't want to press the issue because it was a dumb thing to argue about, but I really don't like this girl. I think that's fair. She's aware of me. I blame Jonah for not telling his ex-girlfriend's about me when he texts them and they hit on him, but the Brazilian girl knows I exist and knows that Jonah is still with me. So I dislike her. But Jonah isn't helping the situation at all. I'm going to get my hands on his phone and see what they've been talking about. I know she's sent him pictures of her because I saw it when I glanced at his phone. He's not very sly about it. He ignores me when I'm right beside him because he's too absorbed in his phone, and that's what started all of this. That's when I got suspicious. And once I get suspicious, there's no fucking stopping me. Because every time I've ever made it a mission to retrieve information, all of my suspicions have been confirmed. I'm always proven right.
I'd like to talk to him about this. I just feel like he'll resort to gaslighting. He will lie through his teeth and try to make me sound crazy. The best way I have about talking about the things that bother me is dropping hints. I've dropped hints about him being on his phone all the time. I've dropped hints and "joked" about his "other girlfriends."
But, honestly, I'll probably just bottle it up until it explodes. It has already gone too far. Jonah has gone too far.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
I can't believe that I have to bang my head against this wall again
I am not having a good night. And as much as I want to bitch about it, more than that, I just want to sleep to not have to deal with life right now. I've come to some important realizations lately that I'm not sure if I'm ready to share. I'm really close to giving up because I'm not sure if it's worth it. When you realize your effort isn't matched, whether in work, friendships, or relationships, how long are you supposed to continue to put in the work?
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