Date Night

Max and I went on a date last night. I've been really sick the last few days, but I didn't let that stop me. We didn't do anything extra special, just hung out at the Mall and stuff. But it's always a great time with him. I know it's super girly of me, but I just really like talking to him. We got to talk about a lot of things last night. I'm being as upfront and forward with him as I can, so I don't ruin this relationship like I did my last one. I think it's working well so far. We both learned a lot last night.

I know I've said this before, but I like that we talk about the fact that we're a secret. We tell each other who we've told. We somewhat discussed how/when we're going to tell everyone, but we really don't know. Laughed at the idea of dating for years and not telling anyone until we've eloped. People are bound to find out though.

Other than that, I've just been really sick and don't feel like doing anything.

Passive

You said it all saying nothing at all.

So, let me tell you about something that I should have mentioned weeks ago.

Last semester I hung out with Logan all the time. Like 4 times a week. And I met a lot of people and became friends with them. Tyler, Lee, Justin, Billy, Heather, Zach, Erin...

This semester Logan is back in a relationship with his old girlfriend.  That wouldn't be a problem, and I'm happy for him, but she seemingly hates me. She is admittedly jealous of me, and because of that, Logan and I aren't allowed to hang out. Technically, we are... as long as other people are there. I'm sure she would much rather he and I don't speak at all, so I'm doing her the favor and doing just that. He quit talking to me as soon as they started dating again anyway.

I used to still hang out with him on his lunch breaks at work, and that was it. Tyler would even join us! Until I realized Tyler was most likely there because Logan and I aren't allowed to be alone together. So, now I just take naps and don't go to his work at all.

Now I don't talk to him, and I definitely don't go to his house anymore (where I haven't been in 2 months). Because I don't want to put a strain on his relationship.

But because of her and this situation, I've pretty much lost all my friends from last semester. I'm sure they still consider us friends, but I never get to see them anymore or talk to them.

I guess I'm just a little confused. I've known Logan for 8 years now. He's literally just another brother to me. I have never flirted with him or given any indication that I would "steal him away" or whatever it is this girl is so worried about. And if I wanted to, I would have already when they were broken up and he and I were spending so much time together. This girl has serious trust issues




This semester I spend all my time outside of class alone in my room. I do actually talk to people in my classes this semester though. Something I've never been good at doing before. So, I've got some acquaintences at this school now. Unfortunately, half of them are guys who like me and I haven't let them on that I have a boyfriend because I'm afraid they won't talk to me anymore if they know. And I could use some friends...

Don't get me wrong, as always, I'm perfectly happy alone. I am by no means lonely.

And despite it all, I am still happy. I'm a little upset... A lot bit hurt that I've been cast out like this, but I don't need anyone who doesn't need me. I'm disappointed that he would choose an untrusting relationship over his friends. But he seems happy for the time being, and I'm not going to fuck that up.

At least I have Max (how I will be referring to A from now on). He makes me happy. Really, really happy. And I know I would be happy regardless because I never depend my happiness on other people, but he's just a big major bonus in my life right now. And he couldn't have come at a more perfect time!

Now see. With relationships, for me, timing is everything. I've passed up plenty of perfectly good relationship opportunities with perfectly fine people who I would have probably been perfectly happy with all because the timing was wrong. I wasn't ready. It was too soon after a breakup and I just wanted to be alone for awhile. Etc. Max just so happened to appear in that magical little window of "the right time."

I'd like to tell him this, but I'm not sure when or if the opportunity will arise.

There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how.

(cliched, I know)

We have a date on Friday cuz he'll be in my neck of the woods, and I'm excited!

So, in other news, all this solitary confinement may be aiding my productivity and way out of procrastination. I did my homework tonight and finished by 8pm, so now I'm just lying in bed about to sleep.

In all seriousness

It bothers me how attached I am. I'm not sure "attached" is the most accurate word, but we'll go with it. I mean, he's hanging out with a friend tonight, so I'm not upset that he's not texting me, but I'm worried that if he's drinking (he probably is) that he might try to drive home. It would be nice to know what's going on.

Today was Valentine's day. He got me a freaking manatee! Not a stuffed animal. A real live manatee. By that, I mean he adopted one for me. I am now the proud (ecstatic) parent of a manatee named Doc.

I painted him a personal Valentine's Day card and got him an engraved metal guitar pick necklace. It's a bit of an inside joke, except it's not a joke. Just somthing specifically appropriate for our relationcship that only we'll get. Unfortunately, despite paying way more for a speedy delivery, that one hasn't arrived yet. I'm not sure if I'll get to see him this weekend anyway...

In case you were wondering (you weren't), I still haven't dealt with P. Communication with him has almost come to a dead stop... Whenever he gets a phone again, I'll just have to man up and straighten things out. I'm in way too deep with A to not take this seriously anymore.

So, I'm at home this weekend. Got another doctor's appointment in the morning. Getting myself all fixed and whatnot! It's been a long time coming.

Honeymoon days and secret ways

I was a big girl and went to the doctor. I don't know why I have such an aversion to doctor visits. I got a prescription and put my worries at ease. I'm glad I did it.

My health (or lack thereof) always depresses me.

So, I spent the weekend at A's house. I've never [literally] slept in the same bed with anyone who wasn't female or family. Except that one time Nate spent the night with me in Memphis. And I don't know if I should tell A this or not, but I've never [figuratively] slept with anyone before him, except that one time that same night in Memphis... I like A better in both cases. I've never talked about it, but that first time in Memphis felt so awkward and distant. I was nervous of course, and I suspect he was too, but in retrospect, it wasn't... close? I don't know how to describe it. It baffles me how I'm not ever nervous with A. Not in the slightest. I'm so comfortable with him, and I guess that's why I prefer him. So, anyway, we had a good weekend. I'm glad I did that too.

It's getting harder to keep this a secret. Though, having a realio trulio second life is pretty fun.

Vague update

Day 2 and I think I've convinced myself it's no big deal. I'm going to hate myself when I go back and read this one day and can't remember what it was about because I'm so god damned vague. Oh well. This is a situation where it's definitely better to be vague. I hate having these tiny short posts on my blog, but I did want to make a very vague update on that very vague last post. So, here.

Tick tick tick

I may be suffering from my naivety and irresponsibleness.

In either case, I'm suffering from my own worries.

I'll let you know when I do.

A Okay

Just because I don't smoke, he doesn't smoke around me or at all when I'm at his house. He said he'd quit if I lived with him. I realized this before, but never thought to bring it up. But we talked about it last night. Unlike other people who have "quit" things in the past, I actually believe him. I never try to guilt people into quitting anything they do. I don't try to change people. If I really didn't like something about them, I wouldn't get involved with them. But I thought that was pretty cool of him.

I really don't like lying. I have to lie to people about where I'm going, what I'm doing, and especially who I'm with when I go to his house. One day we won't have to keep it a secret though. That's another thing we talked about. The whole secret part of it. I'm glad we talk about these things instead of pretending they aren't there or aren't a big deal. I told him what my mom might think about it. She probably wouldn't like it. I don't know how my brothers would feel about it. I don't want them to dislike him. He said he told his mom about me. Like, "She's in college... she's really smart... and she's 19." Which came as a bit of a shock to his mom. I'm sure if I met her, she would change her mind. Oh, if it's not clear, he's older than me. He's 24, which isn't that big of a deal. Not to me anyway. And now that I think about it, I don't think my mom will be too surprised when she finds out. She knew I liked him before I did... six years ago. He liked me back then too, apparently. That's what he told me last night, but he felt weird about it because I was, like, fourteen at the time. Maybe younger. I don't think I was even in high school yet.

So, that was the last time I saw him: before I even entered high school or shortly after. He's friends with my older brothers and would hang out all the time with them. Of course, he and I kinda secondhand hung out back then. I'm pretty sure I liked him back then, but I didn't know I did. My mom could tell because she brought it up once when he came over one Fourth of July. I didn't know what she was talking about, but I did always like talking to him and I always thought he was so funny (I still do). And then he kinda just disappeared for about six years. I always wondered about him. I checked Myspace to see if he still used it. Of course, Myspace was a wasteland. I searched for him on Facebook a few times under different names because he goes by a nickname, but I've always known his full real name and had tried searching different variations of his nickname and real name but to no avail. I'd seen his ex-girlfriend* (who I wasn't sure if he was still dating)on Facebook and tried to creep her to see if I could find his Facebook through hers. I assumed he just didn't have one. Until one day, I happened to notice him on a friend's Facebook under a nickname that was obviously him. So I added him. Then he started hanging out with my brother again. And we talked through Facebook/texting for awhile. Then at my brother's band's house show, we saw each other in person for the first time in six years.

He always mentions how he's so glad I found him on Facebook. He was so happy when I added him and when we started texting. So I guess that's what really started this whole thing.

*I have always disliked this girl and not due to jealously. He dated her for six years. She cheated on him ALL THE TIME with SO MANY GUYS. She cheated on him with Mike, Wes, and, I think, Mat. And those are just the ones I know personally. There were definitely more. Oh, she was also messing around with all four of these guys at the same time. She's the girl who caused a bunch of problems with Mike at Ryan's graduation party. That was the only time I had ever met her. I thought she was cool at first, but I knew who she was and what she had done to A, and I have always disliked her for it. Even I knew at the time he didn't deserve it. And I know he knew about it. He and Mike used to HATE each other and had physically fought because of this girl. That's another reason I disliked her for tearing their friendship apart. Anyway, he told me one night, "I stayed with the same girl for six years because I was lazy." Basically they stayed together so long because I guess she was all he knew and he didn't want to put in the effort to change things...? I don't think he knows how much I know about her and how much I remember from back then. Because he talked about her as if she was someone I didn't know. He never refers to her by name (and I don't refer to my exes by name either) and doesn't talk about her much. Anyway...

So, I've said in a couple posts that I would explain our history a bit, and here it is.

I know he's the only thing I seem to talk about here now, but it's really just the most interesting thing in my life right now. I've got other things to talk about too, but I'm always so busy with school and everything, that I rarely think about this blog anymore. I really only think about it when something is on my mind that I really want to talk about... because this is where I got to talk about things.

In other news, I went to South Carolina recently. I'm not sure if I mentioned that. I'll talk all about that trip in a later post. I'm back at school for the new semester. My classes are going okay. I've made some new friends! That one is always a difficult task for me. I don't put in the effort of making friends... something like that should be effortless. Nikki stayed with me last weekend. I'll have a lot to say about that. Um... I'm not allowed to hang out with Logan anymore. I'm not sure if I've mentioned that in an earlier post or not. I got a new laptop finally! My last one, Lappy, was really on the very last leg. I applied for a passport and should be getting it in about four weeks. My summer plans are coming together.

Next weekend I'm having a secret rendezvous at A's house. I'm going to stay for the weekend and it will be glorious. He said he's going to make me breakfast in bed, but I'll probably wake up before he does haha. It's going to be awkward if any of his friends just happen to drop by (they have been doing that lately). Only one of his friends, Dave, knows about me. I don't know Dave but I've heard a lot about him and he seems like a cool guy. I've told a few of my friends about A. Nikki, Logan, Fonz, and Dann. They're all people I can trust not to spill the beans though.

Well, I guess that's enough for now. I've got homework to do and a test to study for.