So, things are much like they were the last time we tried. He is hardly available and often disappears with no communication. I wouldn't get SO upset about it if he did this to everyone, but it seems it's just me. When I am with him, his phone is always set to vibrate, so he is immediately notified of a new message or phone call. And he always immediately tends to it. If he is driving, if we are watching a movie, if we are at a restaurant or the mall, if I am in the MIDDLE of telling him a story, he must heed the call.
However, not when I call. Not when I message.
I admit, I am needy and, perhaps, jealous of the attention he gives... just about everyone else. I already said I'm aware I could use therapy. Regardless, I don't believe my perception is skewed here. I have been witnessing his behavior/actions (the only thing I really pay attention to) for a long enough amount of time to know this is just the way things are.
And, as always, I am just as unhappy about it as I was before.
And he continues to insist on marriage, but why? So he can put me away in a box in the attic just so that no one else can have me?
It seems like I've always got way more time for him than he has for me. You know, how it has almost always been.
I'm starting to feel like I did before everything ended. Like maybe this just isn't the right time for him. He clearly has a lot of more important things going on, and there just isn't much room for me.
The one and only reason I am not obsessing over it is my one incredibly dishonest and unhealthy coping mechanism of entertaining the other boy. Whenever I start to get upset about it, I just move my focus to someone who seems to always have the time for me. I have a ton of thoughts on this, but, in short, he had all the missing parts that I was looking for when I found him: a work ethic, a lack of religion and draw for macabre, and most importantly, all the time in the world for me. The man is kinda "boring" in that he really doesn't do much. If I wanted to, I could spend time with him WHENEVER. He doesn't play video games, he doesn't talk to his parents all day everyday (or much at all from what I can tell), and he texts me consistently while he is at work, AND, get this: after work when he gets home. AND when he is out with friends at a bar. ANDDD when he is out of state visiting his family. Y'all, he texts me when he is with his mom. He goes to the bathroom and sends me selfies.
Lane doesn't know I exist when he is with his mom.
And it kills me because that relationship will always be the most important to him. Obviously, it should be. She will always be there and always love him and take his back unconditionally. That's the way it is supposed to be and that's the way it is. It's not that I'm jealous of it, per se, but maybe deep down I really am? It's more how obvious he makes it and how not-a-priority second-best he makes me feel. I guess I just want to feel like I am being treated the way I treat my partners: as a priority. Just seems like if you have someone who you want to build a life with and spend the rest of yours with that they would be that important to you. Am I wrong?
It is clear he doesn't share the same level of respect for me as he does for her. I have all the examples to prove it. Just read further back in this blog. 🙄
My problem is I live up my SO's butts and can't see outside the relationship when I'm in one. I know this. I just wish I could find someone who was the same way.
Anyway, the other boy can't stay because he is problematic in other ways. That's what I've been telling myself. If I'm being honest, I have been keeping him around for the attention that he gives me. The "revenge" of it puts me at ease. I've stated before that I don't "get revenge" to make the other person feel bad; I have always done it to make myself feel better. It is selfish, I know. And incredibly wrong. The most wrong thing I could ever do... But I don't mean it to be malicious.
I'm not saying that it's right
I'm not saying that it's always right
I'm just saying that it's not a lie
I'm not saying that it's always right
I'm just saying that it's not a lie
...that it's where I'm at tonight
I shouldn't turn this place into bitching about a relationship that I cried for and pined to be back in. But I just have to get things off my chest. I'm just trying not to explode.
