Expectation is the root of all heartache

I've said on multiple occasions that absence does not make my heart grow fonder; absence makes my heart move on.

I can only tolerate excuses for so long. And my interest is very quickly slipping.

I wasn't planning on keeping my options open because I like to focus on one thing, but I'm definitely keeping them open.

If plans are made, they linger over me. I don't forget. I notice when someone disappears the day plans were meant to happen. I know this is intentional. I notice when someone re-appears way later in the day and talks to me like nothing happened. I know you didn't forget those plans too. I will never bring those plans up again. But I will always remember how someone was too much of a coward to just directly cancel the plans. The best excuse? "I don't feel like it." No matter what you tell me, that's what I'll hear, so just say it like it is. My absolute #1 pet peeve is waiting around. I fucking HATE wasted time. I used to cancel plans every time they were made because I was a giant introvert and would be uncomfortable with going out. You know what I would do even back then as shy as I was? I would tell the other party as early as possible that I couldn't go through with the plans. Just do that! I can think of multiple specific occasions with multiple specific people where this has happened, and I don't understand why it's such a common way to avoid plans. I've reached a point where if I have plans with one of these people, I make other deliberately make other plans knowing that person won't come through. I've yet to be wrong on this.

You know how timing is religious for me? It seems the timing is never right here.

After what I've been through, you'd think I would have raised my standards, but I've brought them down. I've lowered my expectations because people are disappointing. I'm tired of being disappointed. I'm very confused right now as far as my self worth goes. I don't know what I deserve.

No one is real. No one is honest. I don't know why I didn't learn this sooner. I never thought I was naive, but I think I understand now.

I have a type. I date scroungy losers. I know this. I don't know why I do this. The time or two I've strayed from that, I've felt undeserving. But you know what? Even those people aren't as great as I once thought. They're fucking conniving. Relationships aren't a game with unlock codes. People aren't pawns. If you want something, you make it clear. If you don't want something, make it clear. I think I've been better lately about making my intentions or lack thereof very clear. I can't stand people who don't do the same.

I'm a master at moving on. I can emotionally detach like that. If I set my mind to it, it's done. I've been concerned about my memory lately because it has gone to absolute shit, but, at the same time, I'm glad so many things are gone. If only the rest of my mind would go.

I talk about this so much lately because I'm trying to figure out where I've gone wrong and where I'm still going wrong. I know if I keep going wrong; things may end up much worse than they already have...

I had a dream that you came to help me with something. It was in an unknown building with a parking lot full of cars outside. It was night time. I don't remember what you were helping me with, but I do remember you saying, "We're still not friends." Whatever this was you were helping me with, you stressed that it didn't make us friends again.

And I accepted it.

Gone is good

The last piece of the nightmare is finally gone!

I wiped my hands clean of that god forsaken car today.

Good fucking RIDDANCE.

I hope I can finally start moving forward after today.

I don't want to believe

...but I want to believe you.

I was drunk when I wrote that last post.

I'm at a place in life where I am so desperately stuck.

I've never wanted to move forward so bad, yet I've been so unable to.

And I'm scared with the slightest indication of any new opportunity that it's a fucking wolf in disguise waiting to devour me and leave me for dead. How do I move forward in fear?

Should this noose unloosen

No one has ever been honest with me. Not a single person I have been close with has been truthful with me.

Not one.

So why should I be honest? I am an honest person. Unless I'm planning a surprise party for you, I won't lie to you.

So why am I never extended that same curtousy?

Why don't I deserve the truth?

I've never been respected, and I'm left wondering what I need to do to earn respect.

I'm suspicious and untrusting of everyone now.

I was talking with Meyer earlier today about the type of men I date. He basically said I could do better. The only good looking men I've been with either didn't respect women in general or decided they wanted nothing to do with me.

I'm still trying to figure out what's so unappealing about me.

I thought about the type of men I date. Is it a power thing? Do I like having that power over them knowing I am out of their league?

But I don't feel like I'm out of their league.I realized it's because I want to feel appreciated.

I don't want to feel insecure, like he can get someone prettier than me. Someone better.


It boils down to low self-esteem.

In the end, I don't care if he's classically handsome or financially well-off.

I just want to be respected.


I've yet to feel that.

Come on, come on, come on

The little voice in my head keeps saying "no."

It really does.

And I'm listening to it for some reason. I want to fight it, but I'm obeying.

I know I'll give in eventually, but for now I'll keep opportunity, and possibly disaster, at arm's length.

Drunken monologues, confused because
It's not like I'm falling in love I just want you to do me no good
And you look like you could

Every option is a dead end, and I'm not sure where to turn to.

Reflection

You said to come when you're ready
And I've been taking my time...

"You make me want to be a better man"

Strange and too soon to say that.

I've met someone in the past who made me want to be a better person. And then I was... but not for them.

I am the best I can be. But they continue to take that from me, piece by piece.

I'm not ready to be vulnerable. I've already tried that too soon. I don't trust anyone.

So I'm trapped between my head and my heart. Go figure. My head is still winning at the moment.

But only for one day at a time.