It's like a ton of feathers. One isn't going to make a difference,  but a ton still weighs a ton. 

Tired of ignoring for someone who ignores me.  I wouldn't say I was happier when I was distracted, but I was certainly more content. 

I don't know what's more disappointing. I don't know if it matters. 

Love, I'm losing that feeling.

We just don't communicate. On both sides. I don't hear much from him, and I have quit trying to have any conversations because I don't see the point. I always try to keep up my end of the deal when I notice they aren't anymore just so I can say I tried.

I'm tired of being uncomfortable with his family's lack of boundaries. He always brings up marriage, and this is the #1 reason why I won't do it.

The long distance has run its course for me. This isn't a relationship. 

I'm bored. We gave it 3 good years... with a big gap in one of them... but I just don't feel the spark anymore. I've waited for an opportunity for it to come up naturally, but I don't know how to talk about it without being harsh. I'm just keeping to myself a lot these days. Trying to figure it all out.

They always come back into my life once,  never twice. 

I think everyone has spent their second coming.  

No vacancies in the motel of second chances. You know I've used mine,  too. Whether for better or for worse, it is all said and done.  And I am through.  

I've been trying to think of what I might say if given the opportunity to say it. But I know that won't happen,  so I've accepted that this is where I am at now.  I'm trying real hard to be real good. I'm compacting these doubts way down.  Way, way down. I don't know where to accept vs. where to settle. I don't know if it's possible to strive for perfection. It's not possible. 

I wish I could focus on an entirely different part of the big picture.

Could be too soon to call it, but I think the fun is finally over. Don't want to go into details.  We don't even need the details. I can wipe my hands clean of it hopefully and be sad forever.

Because I am sad.

Not at the loss necessarily but at the fact that I have to go back to just being... sad, I guess. It was easy to forget the sadness when there was distraction from it. Though it made me more sad in its own way.  So... what do I do now? 

I realize I rely on all the wrong things for happiness, and that is exactly why I am rarely happy. I have tried filling the void with "retail therapy/"online shopping... drinking... staying busy. I'm just burnt-out on all of it. 

Subconsciously,  it is weighing heavy on me right now. But that's because the one direction i feel I have to turn is not inviting. It does not feel welcoming or warm or safe. It also, time and time and time again,  makes me sad.

And like my last ~revelation~: I can only blame myself.  

You know how we look back at our internet presence from high school? Or even middle school? Well, I'm embarrassed of the way I saw things even just 3 years ago. I was reading old posts here, and I know I was just working through some things,  but I don't like the weird victim mentality I had. I'm not a victim in most of my past relationships. I'm sure I hurt them as much as they hurt me... many I'm sure I did more damage than they.  Usually in the cold way I leave in the end. But I'm realizing more and more how mean I can actually be. It happens because of how excessively I bottle things up until it ferments into resentment. That resentment comes out hotter than steam sometimes. And all of that is all my fault.  

Mama, You've Been on My Mind

So I had, once again, been thinking of David a lot. I don't know why that happens.  I guess a lot of things remind me of him.  I still use some of his mannerisms I had adopted from when we were together.  I still quote inside jokes in my head.  I constantly see cute or funny memes that I know he would like.  

So I'd like to reiterate just how much I regret dating him.  

It was the worst thing we could have done in my opinion. We had a good thing going before we went and messed it all up with the complications of romantic love. I'll be honest,  I never felt the romance if there was any.  The love was there though.  For him, he thinks it's still there,  but I think he is unable to distinguish it from hate in this case.  Because to me,  it certainly feels hateful. It's fine because I deserve it. I deserve it for roping him back into my uncertainty that second time around.  I think I regret that, too.

So he popped up in one of my Facebook memories a few weeks ago. What a coincidence since he had been on my mind, right? I decided to creep and see how he's been.  His profile was not and never has been very telling. His last post was in June, and it was the song,  "Mama, You've Been on my Mind" by Jeff Buckley. I simply "liked" the post and moved on.  

I knew he would see it. I never assumed the song was directed at me or anything.  Just coincidence... again. He messaged me the next morning asking why I did that.  I gave him a simple answer. He got angry because it was not the answer he was hoping for? Because he went off on me and ended with, "grow the fuck up." So,  I did, and I blocked him.

He was right.  If I'm going to "grow up," I have to move on. He said I never took his advice. Well, I finally did.  I hope he takes his own advice and uses this as an opportunity to grow up himself and move on from me. It's the best thing for both of us. I trust he will take good care of Toga, and I wish him all the best.  Sincerely.

Limbo

The reality of it all is starting to sink in more.  I realize I can likely not move forward with either option.  The one with the history leaves me riddled with doubts.  I am almost certain I can't be happy in the future unless a loooot of things change.  Who am I to wish for change? That's not how to properly love.

I can't move forward with the other option as this whole thing has gone on too long,  and it would become obvious to either the one person or to everyone else.  

And I sit here and think I have options. I will remain in limbo until both choices fall away.  I will lose them both as I deserve. No one gets to have it all. No one deserves any of this. 

I'll just continue to work myself to death to avoid everything else. 

in spite of ourselves...

Has he ever made any decisions that involved me? No. All of his big decisions are in spite of me. For someone who wants to talk about marriage a lot, he clearly doesn't understand what it means to include someone in your life on that level. 

It just pushed me further away. 

And I was already pretty far away. 

Of course,  my decisions lately have also been in spite of him. And sometimes to spite him... I know I should end it, but I'm a coward who avoids conflict at all costs, and it takes a long time to build up to that. The distancing, as shameful as it is, will soften the blow. 

We had plans to hang out this coming weekend because I'm off work for the first time in a very long time. But he took on a side project, it seems, and said he will be using Saturday and Sunday to work on it. So, I guess I won't be driving down there to see him, which is fine because I don't want to hang out with his mother. I have made other plans for the weekend with people who actually want to spend time with me. And I am making an effort to be more present with those who actually want to be present with me.

Another blow: I visited him (at his fucking mom's house of course) and we went to get food. Dude at the drive thru window complimented his stupid muscle car. So he showed off when he drove away and squealed out of there like a maniac. I was super mad because I was in the car and I have told him not to fucking drive like that with me in the car. He said something about how he did it for the dude at the window. I said, "so you respect that dude more than me?" He said, "I respect you, like, 99% of the time." I told him that was a fucked up thing to say but at least he admits it. I was mad the rest of the night.

Was it overreacting to be mad about it? He admitted to not respecting me sometimes. I mean, I feel completely disrespected by him OFTEN, but it hurt to hear him say it. 

Also his "99%" was a huge exaggeration.  It's def on the low end.

I have not called it quits because I always stay in situations way longer than is necessary or healthy. I'm just withdrawn. I was putting in the effort, I guess, to be petty, just so I can say I did. But we are at a point where we hardly even talk. He is oblivious.  For him, this is no change since I am, as previously stated, always on the backburner. He rarely thinks about me. 

So I guess now he is on my backburner because I'm pre-occupied. I guess I'm just waiting for that last nail in the coffin. 

emotional baggage

I had the thought that I should hide my revenge posts. The fact that I want to hide them means that I feel shame.  I know I'm the bad guy. 

And I know it's not going to last.

I've been trying to put extra focus into this relationship. Trying to, maybe,  re-ignite the flame or something.  It's just hard when it's not reciprocated. 

I was talking to him on the phone the other day while he drove home from buying his new car.  He was on the way home... as in his mom's house.  And, as usual,  his mom calls in. He abruptly ends the conversation with me and hangs up to get her call.  The woman he is literally driving to. He always hangs up with me and drops everything for her. So when he tried to call me back a whole hour later, I didn't answer.  I wasn't in the mood.

He came and saw me for the weekend.  

But when he left work, he, as usual,  disappeared for hours. I texted him 2 hours after he got off work asking if he was on the way yet. Didn't hear back for another hour or so until he finally said he just left...  at 8pm. It's a 2-hour drive. We had dinner plans.  They did not happen. 

When he arrived at my house at nearly 10 o' clock at night,  he told me he had "planned" to leave a lot sooner but was asked by his mom and sister to do a very time-consuming task that he most certainly obliged.  Never once thought to inform me,  who was waiting up for him. So I finally said some of the things I had bottled up all this time.  Told him this is always the case. And how I am always on the backburner and never a priority.  He tried to lie and say I am,  so I told him I sure don't feel like one.  

That's when he tried to say that I was lying and that he comes with this baggage and my options were to accept or break up with him.  

He has a VERY high self-worth so must have thought I would choose the former option. I just said "okay" and ended it there.  I am 90% into the latter option.  I know I'm not going to continue to accept it.  Thanks to him being completely unwilling to even consider seeing it from my side,  I am ready to call it quits.

And what perfect timing because the fucking boy has reappeared out of nowhere. 

I'm tired of being unhappy 

Actually,  everything is just about the same. 

You'd think I'd learn that things don't change. 

I'm foreseeing the same outcome too. 

water

All of my dreams involve a body of water.  

I had one last night where I was underwater. Every time I tried to progress, I started drowning. 

Details: I was in a multi-room underwater "house," and the boy was there.  He was in one room the whole time.  I guess everyone could breathe underwater cuz that wasn't an issue.  I kept leaving the room to check on things and do stuff around the house.  The boy waited. If return, and we'd start making out or heavy petting or whatnot.  Every time, though, I could no longer breathe and would start drowning. 

This seems pretty easy to interpret. IRL I think he wanted to progress the relationship,  and though he never made me feel pressured, I still felt pressured and obviously couldn't do it.  He def waited around for me,  so I completely understand why he gave up and disappeared.  (Not to mention the parts he didn't know....) 

I immediately went into a completely different dream that involved a structure with many stories on the edge of a lake or bay or some massive waterway. Things were falling into the water. 

Details: the details are mostly lost with this one. 

Does it mean anything at all?

idle hands

I seriously just miss someone talking to me consistently. It's the bare fucking minimum and what kept me hanging on. I rarely say I miss people because I rarely think of someone and wish they were here.  But,  like... I do miss him.  I just do. I know it's not right,  and I'm not going to do anything about it.  I just didn't expect to be so sad about it.  I intentionally tried to keep him at arm's length because I knew this had to happen eventually. 

I hate that I now pine for something else.  Something more than what I have now. I am a little unsatisfied and doubtful, and I don't know how to quell these feelings. There seems to be a void. The way I was filling it was unhealthy, but it kept me occupied. Now I've got this idle mind and these idle hands. 

life: an update

The boy has faded away, I guess. I'm unsure why, but I don't need the closure.  I just hope he is happy.  One of us should be,  and we all know it was never going to be me.

I got a raise at my job finally.  I'm going to try it out for awhile, but I am so burned out on this fucking job consuming my every waking moment and zapping me of all my energy. I can't get anything done.  I can't maintain friendships. I can't relax. It's no way to live.

I went to Florida and swam with manatees for my birthday.  It was cold.  

I'm still very much constantly full of doubt.

It doesn't feel like you're there for me.  Or that you care.  I often feel like an afterthought. 

I barely heard from you on my birthday. It's typical though.  

I have been in such a funk, and I hate feeling so weak.

I had a 4-day weekend, and I spent it with Lane... and then some.  There was an ice storm in Tennessee on the day I was supposed to drive back home. So I got stuck at Lane's for 2 extra days.  I had planned some things for his birthday that weekend,  and he claimed to enjoy it. But,  at the end,  it felt like he was tired of me.  The last couple days,  I just tried to pretend I wasn't there.  We didn't hang out together much. He watched stupid anime shows with his roommate and played Xbox games online with his friends.

On Wednesday,  he didn't wake up until around 1:00pm, and the first thing he said to me was, "have you talked to Caleb today?" Implying if I had heard any news on the road conditions in TN. I took that as a "When are you leaving?" So I decided to go ahead and risk it and make the 2-hour drive home.  I packed my bags in silence. He looked at his phone and didn't say a word to me.  I kissed him bye, and all he said to me was bye.

The drive made me nervous at times, but obviously, I made it home safe.  

He never checked on me.  I sent him a text that I was home and got a reply hours later.  

Maybe I'm reaching and reading too far into it all, but I can't change how it all made me feel. And I have felt like garbage since being home.  I haven't talked to him much in the last couple days,  and I can't stop thinking,  "this is why we can't live together again... why does he even talk about marriage and shit like that? Why does he want me around?" He doesn't act like he wants me around. 

I was supposed to be off work this weekend,  but since I took the whole week off for weather,  I chose to work this weekend.  I haven't told him,  and he hasn't mentioned us seeing each other at all (he still thinks I'm off this weekend). 

I hate that I get this low. I feel like I fell off a cliff into a bottomless hole.  I can't bring myself back up,  and it's been 3 days.  I've been taking benadryl to put me to sleep every night,  and I've eating next to nothing. 

What is so wrong with me??

I can't be happy in a relationship.

Because I don't communicate.  It's great for the other person who doesn't have to hear me bitch.  

I am always conflicted between "nobody is perfect" vs "I can be happier."

I just feel like if I express an issue I have with someone, I will be met with resistance or bullshit words. I don't care how sincere you are, I just can't believe words alone.  And I'm not into arguing,  so resistance is,  well... futile. 

I'm not trying to be right.  I'm trying to be heard. 

I just wonder if the issues I have are me being picky or actually big deals? I feel like, lately it's a lot of ideological things.  That isn't something that can be "fixed" with changed behavior. 

Changed behavior itself is so rare that I have only ever seen it once, and it wasn't for me; that person did it for himself... as he should.  

I just don't have the energy, and I don't think anyone deserves that.  

I've been unwell for far too long now

I will preface this with the repetitive and obvious: I need therapy.

So, things are much like they were the last time we tried. He is hardly available and often disappears with no communication.  I wouldn't get SO upset about it if he did this to everyone, but it seems it's just me. When I am with him, his phone is always set to vibrate,  so he is immediately notified of a new message or phone call. And he always immediately tends to it. If he is driving, if we are watching a movie, if we are at a restaurant or the mall, if I am in the MIDDLE of telling him a story, he must heed the call.

However,  not when I call. Not when I message. 

I admit, I am needy and, perhaps, jealous of the attention he gives... just about everyone else. I already said I'm aware I could use therapy. Regardless, I don't believe my perception is skewed here. I have been witnessing his behavior/actions (the only thing I really pay attention to) for a long enough amount of time to know this is just the way things are. 

And, as always, I am just as unhappy about it as I was before. 

And he continues to insist on marriage, but why? So he can put me away in a box in the attic just so that no one else can have me? 

It seems like I've always got way more time for him than he has for me. You know, how it has almost always been. 

I'm starting to feel like I did before everything ended. Like maybe this just isn't the right time for him. He clearly has a lot of more important things going on, and there just isn't much room for me.

The one and only reason I am not obsessing over it is my one incredibly dishonest and unhealthy coping mechanism of entertaining the other boy. Whenever I start to get upset about it, I just move my focus to someone who seems to always have the time for me. I have a ton of thoughts on this, but, in short, he had all the missing parts that I was looking for when I found him: a work ethic, a lack of religion and draw for macabre, and most importantly, all the time in the world for me. The man is kinda "boring" in that he really doesn't do much. If I wanted to, I could spend time with him WHENEVER. He doesn't play video games, he doesn't talk to his parents all day everyday (or much at all from what I can tell), and he texts me consistently while he is at work, AND, get this: after work when he gets home.  AND when he is out with friends at a bar. ANDDD when he is out of state visiting his family.  Y'all, he texts me when he is with his mom. He goes to the bathroom and sends me selfies. 

Lane doesn't know I exist when he is with his mom.

And it kills me because that relationship will always be the most important to him. Obviously,  it should be. She will always be there and always love him and take his back unconditionally. That's the way it is supposed to be and that's the way it is. It's not that I'm jealous of it, per se, but maybe deep down I really am? It's more how obvious he makes it and how not-a-priority second-best he makes me feel. I guess I just want to feel like I am being treated the way I treat my partners: as a priority. Just seems like if you have someone who you want to build a life with and spend the rest of yours with that they would be that important to you. Am I wrong?

It is clear he doesn't share the same level of respect for me as he does for her. I have all the examples to prove it. Just read further back in this blog. 🙄

My problem is I live up my SO's butts and can't see outside the relationship when I'm in one. I know this. I just wish I could find someone who was the same way. 

Anyway, the other boy can't stay because he is problematic in other ways. That's what I've been telling myself. If I'm being honest, I have been keeping him around for the attention that he gives me. The "revenge" of it puts me at ease. I've stated before that I don't "get revenge" to make the other person feel bad; I have always done it to make myself feel better. It is selfish, I know. And incredibly wrong. The most wrong thing I could ever do... But I don't mean it to be malicious.

I'm not saying that it's right
I'm not saying that it's always right
I'm just saying that it's not a lie

...that it's where I'm at tonight

I shouldn't turn this place into bitching about a relationship that I cried for and pined to be back in. But I just have to get things off my chest. I'm just trying not to explode.