Great Coincidences of the 21st Century

...Or just my life.

Last night I was watching the movie Like Crazy (Spoiler: it was bland). In the movie there is a long-distance couple who met years before, but one lives in England and the other in Los Angeles. They text each other, while the other is with a different significant other at the time saying how much they miss each other and what not. Yada yada. So, of course, I started thinking about P. I think about him often, yes, but it's not like a yearning. He just slips into my train of thought from time to time. So, anyway, speak -or think- of the devil... he texted me. It was 4:30 in the morning and we hadn't talked since that time we saw each other for 60 seconds outside my house one morning. You know, so lo and behold, I just so happened to be watching a movie that made me think of him at 4 o clock in the morning, and he contacts me.

His text said, "This is horrible." So I asked him what was going on. He said he was sitting with a friend who was complaining about losing the love of his life and "I figured I may have done this to you." He strikes me with such blows sometimes... I consoled him, that he *is* good enough. Because I do believe that. There was a time when I didn't, but people change sometimes... and maybe he has. He told me to listen to Love's Been Good to Me by Johnny Cash, and I HATE (but secretly love) that he uses songs to say how he feels because I do the same thing. We all know this, what with my 7-hour playlist I have dedicated to him, though I'd never show it to him. So the conversation for the next hour or so before I passed out was about how he is content with what has happened in the past and now he doesn't have the lifespan to worry about what may come of the future. I'm not sure if he's serious or if he's trying to get a reaction out of me, but he said he may only have 2-10 years to live due to possible but probably inevitable kidney or liver failure. The health issues related to drinking is something he has told me about before, years ago. But I told him how there are solutions to those. There is dialysis and transplants. He said he doesn't want to be hooked to a machine and drinkers don't get transplants or something, but I told him he could always quit drinking. He said he's tired and content with death, with which I responded he's much too young to feel that way... We talked about my cousin a bit. Asked each other how our days were. And then I passed out.

It's just so weird. I can't be the love of his life. He doesn't even know my favorite color or my middle name. He doesn't really know anything about me because he never cared to find out. Maybe I'm just the only girl he's dated that wasn't crazy (I've seen his exes; I used to creep them on Facebook). I don't know. I don't want to think too far into it.

The sun's still a-shinin'

So, I know I bitch a lot here, but this place is generally here for me to vent. That's why it's private. I say things in anger. Lots of things.

And this is the only place I have left.

I have people I know following me on both Twitter and Tumblr, and Facebook is obviously never an option. And I don't HAVE to post my thoughts online. I know that. But I HAVE to get them down, and putting them online (as opposed to writing on paper or even a note on my computer) leaves no physical evidence behind. Putting them out in the public (I said private because no one knows about this place anymore, but it's still public, viewable by anyone who finds it) is just a release and a weight off of my shoulders. It leaves no piece of it left in my possession.

Good things have happened too. I'd like to talk about those. But first I'd like to explain something.

In the beginning, Max and I's relationship was all happy and perfect and picturesque. Yes, as all relationships tend to be that way in the beginning. It was the honeymoon phase. The "cupcake phase" if I may. And I was well aware of that while it was in effect, and I was well aware it would end. Since these things are abstract and not concrete, there is no specific time limit for it, but I believe we are transitioning out of that phase. Yes, I do get upset with him from time to time, and he has gotten completely comfortable and settled into this relationship. What upsets me the most is when he leaves me to get high. I won't join him and his friends in their smoke sessions because they act fucking stupid. I don't care that he smokes. I don't care that he gets high. I care that it takes up so much of his life and interferes with our relationship. And, fuck, I don't know, maybe it is an addiction. That's what he calls it anyway. If you can admit that it's an addiction, you should be willing to change it. An addiction isn't something to brag about or just accept...

Well, anyway. I manned up and fucking told him how I felt. I told him that I'm not usually mad, that I'm sad. Because he leaves me alone for hours to get high, and I didn't come to his house to be alone.

When he was going to bring me back to Murfreesboro this weekend, he assumed it would take me a couple hours to get ready, so he dropped me off at my mom's house (so I could get ready), took his roommate to work, and never came back. He was supposed to take his roommate to work and come back to my house. It took me less than an hour to be completely ready and packed up to go. I texted him, "I'm ready. Where are you?" And he responded, "I had to run an errand and lost track of time be there in fifteen sorry honey." I immediately interpreted his errand as buying weed (spoiler alert: I was right). So, I was immediately pissed off. Not because he was buying weed and making me wait. But because he was buying weed and making me wait AS USUAL. It's always his "addiction" that gets in the way. So when he got there, my brother wanted to smoke with him. So they started smoking, and I just sat on the other couch waiting. He asked if my stuff was all ready to go, and I said yes. He asked where it was, and I said we can just wait for them to finish smoking... He knew I was upset. So right after I said that, he told my brother he can have the rest of that bowl and he got up and asked where my stuff was and I helped him carry it all to the car. I mean... I didn't want him to give up a precious bowl, but I do appreciate that he saw the error of his ways. Am I a bad girlfriend?

We stopped at my mom's work (which, thankfully, he remembered to do because I had completely forgotten), and we argued/fought for I guess the first real time. And I told him straight up just to appreciate that I AM telling him when I'm upset because I never said anything in past relationships and ended up resenting the other person. At least I'm putting in the effort to work through it instead of putting in the effort to make it seem like everything is okay, which is a lot harder on me and my mental health.

Weed is such a minor thing. It should not be this big of a hindrance.

And just now as I'm writing this, he and I had this conversation:

Him: oh you always make me feel so special honey
        my biggest fan
        you know that calmed me down the other day when i was freaking out
        i thought " some people dont have anyone, but i am so fortunate to be riding with you
        i should never be mad" and just instantly shut up in my mind
        Well
        anyways lol
Me: you are allowed to be frustrated/angry/upset/etc
        you are human
Him: i am just so thankful to you honey
        and i cant mess this up
        and i know i have my lingerings with weed, but i have been thinking about it and i just sidetrack     because i am afraid of success
        and weed doesnt care if you are good or bad
Me: "it's not the failure, but the cost of success is the thing i can't help but fear"
        weed doesn't care if you're ambitious or lazy; it will ultimately choose for you


I'm sorry, but that thing he said about weed is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard...

Anyway, now that I've got all of that cleared up. I just want to point out, I am still passionately head over heels for the guy and have never considered breaking up with him. I'd just like to make that clear.

And he just responded:


i havent ever had someone like you
i respect you so much
it makes me look at those things so much differently
i just wanted you to know that i am changing, not for the bad or you, but for myself and it is a big part of me that i always be the man for you, i just want to always be with you
.... i am so mushy tonight ....


I always tell him not to change for me. I'm glad he said that, and I hope he isn't just saying it to appease me. And I'm not trying to change him... Am I? Am I a bad girlfriend...?

Moving on...

Max and I saw City and Colour a few weeks ago. It was soooo good. And Max managed to get us to the stage. It was amazing! Dallas Green: voice of an angel both on record and on stage. Such a good show. I have wanted to see him since I started listening to him in high school, so it was basically a dream come true.

The weekend after that we saw The 1975 at a festival. A friend gave me a free ticket that he got from one of the artists (a guy we went to high school with) because he couldn't go because he had to work that weekend. I justified that by buying a second ticket. I basically got two tickets for the price of one. I texted Max the same day and told him not to go to work on Saturday. Normally, I don't do things that interrupt with his work schedule because I don't want him to get in trouble at work. Not that he cares... Nor would he ever get fired cuz he's the only guy up there that can do what he does... But, I digress. I told I had tickets to Music in the Middle Fest and he secured his day off for Saturday. It was a three-day festival, but we only went for a couple hours for The 1975. And, god damn, was it worth it! They are my favorite band at the moment and definitely of the year. I've been so obsessed with them for the last few months and still am. They put on an absolutely phenomenal show. It was so refined and perfect and energetic and entertaining and I can't even come up with enough words to describe it. I loved it so much. I have to see them again in a different setting. Luckily, I will get to. They said they'll be coming back to TN next year. I already cannot wait.

Last weekend was my fall break. I only got Monday and Tuesday off. But since I already don't have class on Fridays, it was a nice 5-day weekend. I spent most of it at Max's and some of it at home. My mom had to work the entire time though. This is the time frame of the aforementioned "fighting."

We saw Gary Clark, Jr. the other night because Max got free tickets. He made it on the street team of a venue in Nashville, and he promotes shows for free tickets. After we hung up posters around my college town (after he had been frustrated ALL day - our arguing probably didn't help), he decided it was too stressful and not worth it, so he's not going to do the street team anymore. I tried to talk him out of quitting, but the next day, after I sent him a link to transfer schools, I realized he has a lot on his plate. He's a full-time student with a part-time-but-almost-full-time job, and he commutes to school some days of the week, and he commutes to me other days of the week, and the added street team work, I realized, is more than he needs. So I told him I think he should quit the street team and focus on work, school, and transferring (since he really doesn't like the school he's attending now). The street team expects you to put in 10 hours a week of promoting. Shit, I can work 10 hours at a job and just BUY the damn tickets. Not to mention he was driving all the way to Nashville to pick up the posters, and then driving here to put them up, and that's just more time, gas, and effort than it's worth.


Gary Clark, Jr., though, was pretty good. Max had a good time, so it was a good end to a rather frustrating day.

Now it's the next weekend, and I have homework due on Saturday because the homework that was originally due during fall break got pushed back for a different assignment that was due over the break. God forbid I go two days when something isn't due...

I guess that's what the real world is like though. Except, I'd expect any job to give SOME time off. Like a couple days out of the week... you get paid on the clock. I won't be working off the clock if I'm not getting paid for it. Maybe... who am I to make the rules?

Now I'm rambling. Time to go.

Bitching because it's always this way

I know I'm probably going to delete this post like I did my last one, but let me just get it out of my system.

I am at Max's house right now. Alone... as usual. He left to take his roommate to the bank an hour ago. I already figured they'd stop at Jan's house to buy weed or something because they always do, and anytime he/they go to Jan's, they stay for a very, very long time. He's been gone for an hour (the bank would have only taken 10 minutes), and he just texted me saying he had to get his oil changed. Did he though? How come every time he's meant to be gone for only a few minutes, he all of a sudden has to get some work done on his car? Last time it was his tires... brake fluid... I don't know. I'm not saying he's lying. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, but I'm just so tired of being alone.

I mean, I like to be alone when I PLAN to. I don't like being alone in someone else's house when I planned otherwise. Every time I come over, he has to get high for hours with his friends in the other room. And since I don't want to get high, I just sit in his room. By myself. Every time I'm here. I'm on fall break from school right now. If I wanted to lie in a bed alone and waste away on my laptop, I would have just stayed at home. I spent more time wasting away here than in my own home...

So, I sit here by myself and get progressively more sad, and then I don't want to tell him. He can always tell. He always says I'm "mad" at him, but I'm not usually mad. Just kinda temporarily really, really depressed. If he can tell though, and it's like this every time, then why does he continue to do it? He always knows what he's doing and admits it afterward, like, "I shouldn't have ____" and somehow I always forgive him for admitting his faults, but lately I'm realizing that that's not enough. I've already decided that next time I have the opportunity to stay at his house I'm going to tell him I won't do it if I'm going to be just as alone as staying at home.

Remember all those words I wrote for you? These may be the last.

It may seem dumb to you, but I still miss you. I'm not really sure how or when it ended. I do know that you withdrew from me first. Was I too close to everyone else? Did I not take it as seriously as you did? Did you ever take it seriously at all? I know we did not have a physical relationship, and I don't think I understood the importance of that back then. I took it all very lightly. I still think that's the best way to handle things: lightly. But, perhaps, I could have considered more how you felt. My life is not about "what ifs" and "has beens," but a once-lived closeness still lingers and tugs at something inside of me at the thought of you, and I know it probably always will.

Deadweight

Sometimes I feel like he's just not that into it. Like he's not really feeling it anymore. I know that can't be true, but it seems that way sometimes. Though it's hard to gauge how he feels over text, since our communication is almost exclusively on-screen when we're not together in person. No calls like there were in the beginning. No skype because I gave up on that a long time ago. I just get the feeling people like it like this when I'm in a relationship with them... They like being away from me most the time and only seeing me a small percentage of the time. I also know that's probably not true, but I guess I'm insecure. I just hate being taken for granted, which is exactly what this is. My thing is that I always get upset over tiny things that seem like they are no big deal... but that fact that they are tiny makes it a big deal that the other side can't seem to do it. A little acknowledgment is all I'm ever asking. A simple "good morning" and/or "good night" would suffice. But no... If I don't say good morning, then no conversation happens... and at night, he just disappears without ever coming back to let me know he's going to bed or something...

This just upsets me so much because of past experience. I know I sound like a broken record here, but god damn, this is what ruined my last relationship. This is how it started.

And I can never fucking say anything about it, so it's my fault... but it's not my fault because I'm still putting in effort... just like last time. It got progressively more one-sided until I decided I didn't want to do all the work anymore. So I didn't. I quit putting forth the wasted effort and somehow it came as a surprise when I wanted to cut ties to deadweight.

I just feel like a relationship is not something to get too comfortable in. Don't just accept that it's there and it's a norm now and it's not going to change. Maybe I'm old-fashioned? I just don't see how you can stop putting in effort to move things along. Just because it's a serious long-term relationship doesn't mean you can quit trying. You have to try always. I try anyway... and I get tired when I'm the only one.