I feel like I'm going through another little crisis. I feel like everything is wrong.  I feel like doubling-down out of spite. But I'm so tired.  I feel guilty that I might be leading this boy on. I don't want to waste his time or be seen as a waste of time.  But when he says things like, "keep it up,  and I'm going to put a baby in you" he has no idea how much that drives me away. It gives me the ick. It puts me on a panic. I should come clean with him that I don't want kids. He met me in a manic time of turmoil that had me questioning everything, including my future.  I thought maybe kids could be in my future. But I'm not okay with the idea now. I've been with this boy a few months, and it still feels new. I can't bring myself to call him my boyfriend even though that's what he is. He talks like we've got forever together, and that freaks me out too. 

Lane and I message each other casually.  He told me coming over to my house to get his stuff was the most fun he has had in months. He hints at still liking me. But I'm realizing his communication is worse than mine. I have a serious problem with speaking my mind, but I'll say it if someone else opens the door. I gave him the whole floor and told him to "just say it" and he won't.  He hints at being depressed and lonely but won't talk about it.  I suggested therapy but we know he won't.  

But because he is so difficult,  it makes me realize, yeah, this is why we didn't work, and it's why we never will. Neither of us can communicate. It makes me want to go in deeper with Javier because he seems to actually be into me and does try to force me to talk. It's uncomfortable sometimes but I tell myself it's what I needed. 

I know there are red flags. It feels like he wants me all to himself. Like no friends,  no going out, etc. He talks like I don't need pets because I "have him now." He wants to "put a ring on that finger" and "put a baby in me." Lately he has been trying to convince me that my IUD is detrimental to my health.  I KNOW this is all controlling behavior.  I've called him out on some of it before. But I'm going to see him again. And again and again. I convinced myself that parts are things I need. The universe plays some bug joke on me with all my relationships. Gives me everything I've been lacking but desiring from a human who is so far from what I would typically associate with. He's got all these red flags, but he gives me all the things that Lane didn't: attention, texts back, makes me communicate, and the other things I mentioned in a previous post. 

I just know, deep down, that this isn't it. And I'm riddled with guilt knowing I'm being a waste of time. 

I guess Lane still loves me. He came over the other day to collect some things he left behind. He showed up with his hair all done up (if you know him, you know) and wearing cologne. He wanted to get food together. Offered to buy. I declined, of course.  I just have been trying to move on. I'm not sure if it's working. I still feel a lot of feelings but the most prevalent one is hurt.

Now I'm a little drunk:

I hid this blog because I was worried Javier might find it. I don't think he did. He told me he was going to research me? I realized this place isn't hard to find when you figure out my old screen name for stuff, but men are bad at digging, so I think I'm safe.  

To be straight, I believe Lane is my soul mate. I can see myself with him forever, granted we figure out how to overcome our issues, which, to me, have always been fixable. Some things,  like his mommy issues, would require professional help though. And I'm not perfect; I still need to learn how to communicate. I just have never felt like I could find someone I can connect with on the same level as I did with him. It's possible I could if I could find someone else that I can stand being with for 5 years... but who knows. 

I have my qualms about Javier. He just seems so insecure about certain things, and I still get the vibe that he can be controlling. I am riddled with anxiety that maybe I'm leading him on. He is the opposite (not physically cuz he's HOT, but personality-wise) of what I would ever go for, but my thinking was since no one else ever worked out, then maybe I should give this a shot. But I'm already starting to see signs that I won't be happy with in the long run.  

All that to say,  I am starting to feel pretty depressed. I wish I hadn't dragged anyone else into my life and just focused on me for a bit longer.  But here we are.  

I just hope that if they come back to bite me in the ass, they don't ruin my life like the ones from my past.

I've been keeping busy to keep my mind off of things, as usual.  But I was slowed down by a storm, and I let it roam. And now I physically feel sick. And I've realized that I don't think I could love right now. 

A lot has changed since we last spoke

I told myself I was going to stay single for awhile this time.  And I still technically am. But he and I are ~exclusive~ so... I'm kinda not. 🤷‍♀️ The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, and I really hate that this helps me so much. I'm already sleeping better and eating again. Maybe even... a little happy again? 

(My doctor was concerned about my weight loss. It was the first thing she said when she walked in the room. My iron levels are alert-level low, too. I'm eating more and taking iron).

So, I thought I saw some red flags early on.  I feel like he presents differently over text than he does when he speaks/in person... so we talked it out and I'm back on board. I'm kinda dumb though 🙄, so I'm gonna list the potential red flags anyway in case my intuition was right:

-He comes off as a little controlling

-He was on the way to become a cop at one point

-He is a former marine

-His goal is to find someone to marry and have kids with

-He lives in Milan (where The Worst Thing That Ever Happened To Me is from)

If you presented these things to me without any other info, it would be a HELL NO. 

But

Now hear me out

But we talked about the cop thing,  and he said he ultimately decided not to do it. He grew up in San Diego and was closely around a lot of gangs. As in,  friends and family of his were/are in gangs. I kinda get the military-cop pipeline to escape the gang stuff and not get sucked into it. 

It also softens the blow a little that he is 100% not white. White cops are the worst cops. 

I told him my opinion on cops and why I don't trust them. He took it way better than I expected. 

I've told him marriage is a hard sell for me and I've never wanted kids. He still wants to pursue this for some reason. 

He isn't actually from Milan, so I can't imagine he really knows any of the terrible people there. Also, he's a very large man, and I'd feel so safe running into anyone anywhere next to him.  

He made some comments via text message that rubbed me the wrong way with their tone, so I told him I wasn't sure I was ready for all this. But when we FaceTimed later, he addressed that and made us talk about it to get it out of the way, and he was so nice about it that it changed my mind a little. I'm still on high alert though. 

So, they say if your next person looks absolutely nothing like your ex, then they are just a rebound and it won't last. This man looks nothing like me ex... he does, however, kinda look like a mixture of a couple different people I've dated. So he is "my type" for all intents and purposes.  But he's nothing like the last one in almost every way.  He has some of the missing parts I've been wishing for. 

I'm so very attracted to him,  but I'm still not sure if I'm ready for this.  Perhaps he is just fullfilling a fantasy of mine (he kinda is...). He seems to be pretty into me. And snagging a man this hot (6ft; dark; former personal trainer, so fit/muscular; speaks Spanish 🥵) is a huge confidence boost for me. 

But, ya know,  personality and attitude have always won over hotness. This is my second super-fit, too-hot-for-me, neck-tattoo rebound (refer back to The Boy from 2020).  Let's hope this one doesn't ghost me. He seems like the kind of guy who will be pretty straight up about just about anything (something that scares me a little tbh). 

Let's see where it goes, shall we?

The pain I feel on a daily basis is unbearable. 

I'm not sleeping well. Last night I woke up at 2am and for the next few hours, when I would drift off, it was either sleep paralysis or lucid dreaming. I'm not sure how to describe it. I would immediately hallucinate so much noise... or just dreaming that I was in my room every time and dreaming the noises? The first time I remember, I was lying in bed and the bedroom door was open (it was irl) and it was dark in the rest of the house.  But I immediately heard yelling and screaming from several different voices coming from the dark parts of the house and my body flooded with anxiety/fear. I struggled to wake up out of it, but I eventually did. And the house was (too) quiet every time I woke up.  The next time I closed my eyes, it was super noisy again. I already forget what the noise was and can't remember what I saw but u saw something in my room on the opposite side of the door that filled me fear/anxiety. So I woke up.  This happened many times probably until I just woke up for real at 7am. Everytime I was froen/stuck in fear for awhile before I could re-open my eyes. Every time I closed my eyes, my subconscious was filled with noise and my whole body would tingle with anxiety.  

I don't remember this happening the last time I went crazy. But I slept like shit and now I'm once again awake way too early on a day off with too much open space of time to fill ahead of me. 

I feel like I physically cannot cry if I'm drunk and/or high. And I'm gonna be for awhile. 

You realize a whole lot of things when you're suddenly and unexpected crushed with total grief. I realized that I liked having my fantasies but never wanted to make them realities.  I don't want them. I don't want to see or fuck these men. I don't want to be single. I'd way rather be angry and upset than to feel like this.

You realize how much you still love someone when you find out they no longer love you.  And it hurts deeply realizing they must have quit loving you a long time ago.  That must be why he wasn't trying anymore... which is what upset me... which is what drove him away even further. 

You realize how alone you are because you never learned how to really live with yourself.

The grief of losing my dad has been bubbling back up because I feel like I never fully acknowledged that grief. And thinking of him being gone... and now Lane being gone... and my house being so fucking quiet is very, very hard to handle. In fact, I am not handling it well or at all. I've just been crying a lot.

I once again don't know how to fill this silence or empty space. I wake up, and I am filled with anxiety because there is too much day ahead of me to have to get through. 

He always has the luxury of his support system because he is always with his family. I have people who are supportive, sure, but I am so, so alone in this.  And I feel like I must be taking it way worse than he is because I'm on the receiving end. He initiated; he is feeling relief and a load off for sure. It kills me when I'm on this side of things. I asked if we can stay friends and he said be still cares for me and hopes that we do. What a nice thing to say in the moment. I don't believe that we will be friends.  He doesn't want to see or talk to me. He hasn't wanted to for a long time. Don't think I didn't notice he chose the word "care" not "love." It struck a chord. 

I still talked about our future. Lots of "we"s were thrown around when I talked of goals and plans. But now I'm re-blueprinting everything.  

The not eating or sleeping was immediate. I'm self-medicating with whiskey+benadryl, which helped last night.  But I still woke up just before 6am on a day off. The flood of anxiety that immediately released with consciousness did not allow me to go back go sleep. 

I go sit on the back porch when I can't breathe. It doesn't help, but I always think it will... I've done it 5 times today before noon. 

I still love him. I know not being able to talk about things is my biggest flaw, but I wish he had at least tried talking to me about this before springing it on me. But instead, he did like me, and let it fester, I guess. I would have talked... it just has to be wrestled out of me.

I started therapy last week and didn't tell him about it. I was hoping it would help me get passed my own shit and learn to communicate,  so I could communicate with him how I had been feeling. We just broke up 2 days ago. So I guess I'll have a lot to talk about in therapy but the goals will be different. 

I'm really trying to change this time. I'm doing therapy now. I'm writing down goals in my phone. I do want to be better. I can't stand this and I can't stand myself. 

I kept writing in here that it was pretty much over and I wanted something different. I also suspected at the end that he was somehow reading this or my messages or something. Maybe it was guilty conscience or maybe it was intuition... or maybe it was nothing at all and he had entirely different reasons. But all I really wanted was for things to be better. Sometimes I thought that could be accomplished only with someone new. And maybe it will, but if not what I want right now.

I wasn't ready for this, but I did deserve this.

(As soon as I posted this, the doctor office called to reschedule my therapy appointment to next week, so I have to wait even longer to get help for this and I'm kinda panicking. Thanks, universe.)

Just here to say that I've given up on so many things. I'm all out of energy to care anymore.

And I can't stop thinking about so many other things...  

He is out of town as usual. He doesn't communicate with me as usual. And I truly haven't been upset about any of it. I think I'm finally out of fucks to give.

I'm experiencing my third major illness in three months. First it was bronchitis in March. Then it was Covid in April. Now it is something that presents like strep (worst sore throat of my life, fever... the coughing didn't start until the sore throat subsided) but I tested negative for strep and everything else.  It's so bad that I dragged my ass up to a clinic. You know I never do that. Called out of work for 2 days. You know I never fo that either. But I got some stuff done as soon as I saw the slightest bit of improvement. 

I've been having Nick work on my car since he is an actual mechanic. He offers to do it for free because he is still into me after all these years. I pay him anyway because I don't believe in doing what you're good at for free. And I don't want to "use" him. We both like the excuse to see each other,  although I know I am very good at not letting that on.  He knows I have a boyfriend.  I know he has a girl around; he told me. So, we just talk, mostly about my car and the state of the world. Neither of us ever mention the significant others.  After today, I realized I am more physically attracted to him than I originally thought while I watched him move around the shop to switch out my tires...  But we both pretend like it's nothing. And that's all okay for now. I know I am way too much of a devil woman for him and I know he doesn't know that. He is deeply religious these days, wears a cross on his neck and everything. And I am too mentally unstable to acknowledge any of this right now. 

Speaking of, they had me fill out a questionnaire at the clinic yesterday.  Completely unrelated to why I was there. But since I had a high score on the form, they offered to refer me to behavioral health specialists. So I accepted the offer. Who knows if anything will actually come of it.

I've also been talking a lot to a boy I met in 2016 who I had the briefest of flings with after The Disaster. He is also super into me but definitely remembers things differently than I do. I haven't corrected him because I don't want to shatter his fantasy. He lives states away, so I've been entertaining him.  He is well aware of my rationship, of which I remind him often,  so he knows the boundaries. It's probably not healthy of me, but it's nice to have someone to talk to. 

I hate to put this in writing, but I have been thinking it.  I just realize I am not as attracted to someone who doesn't have a job. Lane hasn't had a job since February. I've tried to be cool about it, but I have let some bottled up emotions spill out from time to time. I still love him, and on some days I still feel it, but I've been so down lately that I don't feel much of anything. I think about how I would feel if it ended, and I know I don't want that yet. Though,  when he is gone (as much as he is lately), I let the idea sink in that this is what it could be like all the time... and it doesn't scare me like it used to.  

I had a dream that I was out in public at a park or something. I saw The Boy in the distance.  Somehow, eventually, we came together without words. We hugged/held each other for a long time.  We then decided we had to go somewhere from here. We couldn't just stay here.  So we started walking. We were indoors at this point, like a public building looking area. A school or a hospital maybe...  I don't know.  We were talking about not knowing where to go from here.  I saw the park in the distance and said we want to be back in the park. I realized what was happening and told him,  "it's a metaphor."  He teased back,  "You and your big words." I replied, "You're a writer; you know what a metaphor is." We made our way toward the park which required walking under a bridge. We got separated and were talking through a headset or something.  The connection got bad and I couldn't understand anything he was saying, so I went back to find him. He was still standing on the other side of the bridge. I walked toward him,  but the connection was not getting any better.  Still static and breaking up.  The bridge was getting lower and lower the closer I got until the point that it was almost crushing me.  I'm not claustrophobic but I have a real awful fear of being pinned down,  and that's what this bridge was doing to me.  I started freaking out and told him I had to go.  I tried lifting the weight off of me,  and that's when I woke up.

Pretty straightforward metaphor there. But I don't know why it's happening now.  

Then again, I have covid right now... it was just a fever dream.  

I went to Walmart the other day to get some travel things for this trip.  They didn't have everything I needed, so I decided I would go to Target the next day and look there.  I dreaded it all day and put it off for as long as I could (I was at work and planned to go on my break). I didn't want to go because the guy I "dated" in the interim works there.  I just don't want to run into him.  

So when I finally go up there, just my luck,  he walks in at the same time I do.  I felt like I didn't recognize him at first,  but he walked in in front of me,  and the neck tattoo gave it away.  To my relief, we did not make eye contact and went opposite directions once inside. But it gave me so much anxiety. Later, I realized why it took me a minute to recognize him: he has a very full beard now.  The kind that takes a long time to grow out. I always tried to get him to grow his beard out when we were talking, and he would always get rid of it after a couple weeks. He should have listened to me sooner because it somehow makes him look taller. Just an observation. Oh well. 

The anxiety was a lot, and I do not think I'll be returning to that Target. Nothing I need/want there that I can't just get online. 

I'm staying at my aunt's house near Atlanta tonight because we fly out of Atlanta tomorrow for Greece. I want to be okay for this trip, so I'm getting everything out on here. Lane told me not to find a hot Greek man while I'm there but added on, "or at least don't tell me about it if you do." I'm reading too far into that.  I absolutely won't meet anybody of course,  but why would he put it that way?  Feels like a seed. 

We had a heart to heart in New Orleans, and it really did make me see things a little differently. He told me to decide if these little things that upset me are things I can live with or things I can't.  He kinda made it seem like he didn't care if we were to break up...

So, since then I have been trying to be happier about things in general.  But also because I've been reflecting on myself because I'm the common denominator in all my unhappy relationships 

And since then I've had an irrational fear of him upping and leaving me. Like,  I just feel like one day while I'm at work, he's going to move out. Is that really irrational though? It's plausible... 

Since then I feel like he's not even invested. I mean,  he is present and he has been helping me around the house,  but I wonder if he is just going through the motions. Sometimes I feel like he's checked out.  I don't know if it's intuition or if it's all in my head.  

I'm about to be out of town for almost 2 weeks.  He mentioned he was thinking of going down to his mom's house in Alabama and staying the night there for idk how long. A day or two maybe.  And that set off some alarms for me that now make me wonder if he's going to get a job down there behind my back and leave again. 

I don't know why I'm so paranoid, but I truly don't think I can handle any of those things happening right now and it just feels like something will...

Not to mention I also have this little thought in the back of my head that he could be cheating when he's out of town. Thanks to past experience, it's really hard for me to trust someone who is constantly out of town. It absolutely doesn't help that he doesn't text back very much when he is supposedly staying with his dad or mommy. My cheating ex texted back more consistently...

When we first got back together,  he mentioned he thought he maybe could have chlamydia because of some slight vague symptoms he was having.  I got tested,  and everything was negative for me (I'm still bitter that he didn't get tested and just went off my results when he was the sole offender). I was not suspicious then because it would have come from before we had gotten back together.  However, he would bring up these symptoms from time to time.  And sometime last year,  he claimed he found an online pharmacy that could prescribe chlamydia medications without a test,  so he got them for both himself and me.  I took the meds because that was all very suspicious.  And just a couple weeks ago, I was sick with bronchitis.  I asked him if that online pharmacy could prescribe steroids again (it prescribed steroids last time for the STD regimen). He then claimed he couldn't even remember what the website was.  So now, to me, that feels like he originally went to a real doctor and got tested and a real doctor prescribed the medications and there never was an online pharmacy.  I'm not crazy for thinking this,  right? I'm crazy for going along with the original story.  I had brought up,  a couple times,  a "should I be worried/concerned about this?" Meaning: "Is there anything you want to tell me?" And he always plays it cool because who wouldn't?

And,  ya know,  there were some moments these last few months when I was incredibly unhappy and thought maybe I might want to cheat on him solely for my own fulfillment/act of spite/wanting attention. I started checking Bumble again to see what else was out there. I ultimately decided that I just couldn't do it.  I love him and care for him too much to do that. I know it's wrong to even entertain that idea. I absolutely know, and I have no good excuse because there are no good excuses for that. 

And all of this has been heavy on my mind lately. 

And of course I haven't said anything about any of this to him.  I just wouldn't even know how to bring this up or unload all of it.  I just want to keep the peace on this one.  

For now.

- - -

This past weekend I tried to have a belated get-together in celebration of my birthday.  I turned 30, and that's a milestone,  ya know? I just wanted to see my friends. Turns out I don't really have any anymore.  Every single person I invited had an excuse not to go or bailed last minute. So that has made me reevaluate a lot of things... and Lane,  of course,  went with me.  He drove us.  He invited his cousin,  who is the only person who showed up.  Then they hung out the entire time and I was the third wheel. I get it because they haven't seen each other in awhile.  But further stressed how much I just didn't want to be there.   I wish I had just stayed home.  It stressed me out enough just trying to plan something,  so I'm relieved I don't have to ever try that again,  I guess. It really defeated me,  and I just don't think I have it in me to make any more attempts to maintain friendships. It's embarrassing. 

Right now I'm preparing to go to Greece this and next week. I hope I can at least enjoy that. 

I'm so tired of myself. 

I am on vacation in New Orleans for Mardi Gras. 

And I'm not having any fun. 

I haven't eaten in 10 hours because I'm "full." Of cortisol,  I assume. 

I feel pressure inside my entire body. 

Why am I like this? I fucking hate this.  

I feel like I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown.  All the stress and pressure I can physically feel boiling in my stomach. 

I am not happy.  

I'm very unhappy. 

The only way to be happy again is to not care so much.  And we all know when I quit caring,  it all ends.  I weigh the options daily.  

This is not what I want.  I'm not trying to compromise.  I'm not even trying to talk about it. I'm just over it.  

So I guess this is the beginning of my 4 month check out process. I'll be miserable for way too long like I always do. But this time I'm going to stay alone for awhile.  I've realized it's imperative to reset. I could really use a rest.

I feel like I've reached an expiration, and it's time to move on. 

I just want to start over. 

I was really high in a bedroom. I walked out of the bedroom directly into a brightly lit grocery store. I was trying to get from one end of the store to the other,  but I was so high I was struggling. I linked up with my niece Jamie, who was also high. We got caught and put in a holding room. The room was another bedroom, maybe the same one as the original idk. It had softer lighting.  She was freaking out but her friends came to break her out. We went into a fenced-in backyard area at night, and they all jumped the fence to escape. I stayed behind and went back inside to lie on the bed and doze off. I heard me dad's voice talking to me.  Asking me to wake up like I was in a coma. Maybe pleading. I wish I could remember the other things he said because I know he said more.  I woke up crying because he's dead. Even in the dream. This was all still in the dream.  Then I found myself on a bus,  still at night,  with David. We got off at a house and went inside. I can't remember whose house it was,  but they weren't home,  and we found teenagers squatting inside. We asked why they had the fridge open.  They said it was hot in there. We were blown away that they didn't know how to use a thermostat. I went back to a master bedroom to use the bathroom. At some point I found my mom back there just hanging out... David and I went to the backyard for some privacy. It was more like dawn or dusk out now. Dully lit. We sat in an old car, and I tried to tell him about my dream with my dad. His dad is gone,  too, so I guess I thought he would understand.  We made out. A backyard neighbor came out of their house and got into their car.  They drove away and we tailed them.  I don't know why we were following them, but that's about where it all ends.

I don't feel good about these changes.

I have been so on edge and just angry a lot lately. 

Lane is moving back in.  I would be more excited if it didn't already feel like it's going to be all the same as last time. I'm letting him move in though. We will see. 

I was doing laundry (really I'm just constantly cleaning because despite him living here again and my mom living here half the week, no one helps keep things clean around here—another source of my stress). I found in the pocket of his jacket a letter that his sister wrote him. He told me about it. She is in a facility right now.  Anyway, part of the letter mentioned something about him moving to Arizona in the coming year. I've heard nothing of this. So this could be exactly like last time. 🙄

I don't think it will be quite as devastating if it happens again. But if it does, it will be for good.