I hate art. And I hate artists.

"...ever since I started [school], every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life."

I hate my life. I don't even want to talk about my days anymore. All I do in my free time is cry. I have cried more in the last 7 days than I have the last 7 years of my life. And going home isn't an option. I am so miserable here, and the longer I stay here the more I suffer. And as if it can't get anymore worse, it does. There absolutely nothing here that gives me hope. I'm almost to the point that I'm so miserable and unhappy and hopeless and desperate that I want to die. If I can't go home, I see no other alternative. There is no way I'm going to suffer through this much longer. And I keep trying to talk to mom into letting me drop out, but she keeps saying that I've already "committed" and that I have to give it a try. So, now I'm forced to stay here completely against my will. This is the biggest regret of my life.

I don't understand why nobody sees just how bad this is for me. I've cried to my mom on the phone the last two nights in a row, and I don't want to cry to Nana, but if I have to, I will. It took me the longest time to gather the courage to call mom (she was leaving me angry voicemails to answer my phone or call her back because I hadn't been answering the phone to her or dad because I was too busy crying). And that was the first time I talked to her in a few days and I was sobbing and crying my eyes out and then I made her cry, but that didn't even convince her. I hate to admit when I'm crying and I NEVER let people see (or in this case "hear") me cry. But I had to because I'm desperate. I'm almost desperate enough to buy a bus ticket home except that I wouldn't be able to bring all of my things...

I haven't been eating and I know I've lost weight, and all I ever feel like doing is throwing up (but I can't since I don't eat anymore). Everyone can tell I'm depressed even though I'm trying to hide it. And I hate that. I hate everything. I have GOT to go home. This isn't good for my health (not that I care about my health). It's so unbearable here. If there is anywhere that can break your spirit, it's here. I'm completely lost.

Horoscopes

You are having something of a personality crisis because of career or working conditions, even though financially things look quite good. You may be feeling a bit out of your depth at the moment, but if you keep treading water you will find things sort themselves out.

and

You're sensitive, Pisces, and impressionable. You may not appreciate the intense atmosphere building, but it may be just what you need to get motivated. Yes, you're about to face a lot of pressure, but you can handle it. No more planning, no more delays, no more staring off into space. Buckle down and get your work done. You can fantasize during your free time.

These give me no hope, but it's funny that they're kind of accurate.

There's so much I want to tell you about the way I'm disappearing

I've been meaning to write about everything that's been going on the last few days. I'll get around to it eventually. I've just been so exhausted everyday. I've got a lot to say...

For now though, since I just had another breakdown. This song very accurately will say it for me.

Dear Diary,

I have seen everything.

Needles

In a nutshell, I went to my dad's house for the weekend, watched a lot of movies, got a bank account on Monday, saw Nate on Monday, got my shots today, and Fonz may be coming over tomorrow. Not sure yet.

I went to bed at 4am and woke up at around 6:30. Didn't get much sleep... Then I went to the doctor and got two shots in my left are and one in my right arm. It didn't hurt at first, but a few hours later and ever since, my arms have been so sore... After the doctor, I went to the bank and cashed in(is that the right term here?) a $50 savings bond I won for getting 1st place in the science fair in 8th grade. It was only worth $28... So, we took the money anyway. Then my mom and I went a few places and bought some more stuff for college.

By the time I got home, I was feeling pretty shitty. No one told me shots make you feel sick. So, I napped from about 1:30 to 6pm... I watched America's Got Talent (surprised I've actually kept up with it this long).

Now it's midnight, and I still don't feel too well, so I guess I'm going to try to get a lot of sleep tonight. I can't decide whether to watch Cowboy Bebop or Spartacus: Gods of the Arena before bed... I'll probably go with Cowboy Bebop since I've been watching it every night before bed for the last few days. I'm about halfway through the entire season.

Between the barely-there days and the "you know I can't stays," I just don't know what to say

"So how was your day? I feel like I already asked you that question. Sorry I'm just really tired and don't always comprehend stuff. All ino is that your extremely beautiful"

That last sentence gives me a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel so stupid for feeling so strongly about this, but I can't stand being called "beautiful." And how do you tell someone that? I've never told him not to call me that, but I hate it every time he does. I just don't want to explain my reasoning behind it. Because it's stupid and I shouldn't care and I'm stupid.

I'm going to his house tomorrow because his parents invited me over for dinner. I always feel a little uncomfortable... But I've been going out of my comfort zone a lot these last few months, and it hasn't killed me yet.

Dav and her sister stopped by for about an hour earlier. They crack me up all the time. I showed them my roommates, and they said I can't be friends with the black girl because they are the only black friends I can have. Haha.

I've been helping Caleb thoroughly clean and organize his room today. I've been really wanting to do arts and crafts lately... I should do that soon.

I've been reading my old surveys. They're very interesting to me. I used to give GREAT answers... And this is what I write all this stuff for and why I do the surveys. I do it for me. I quite enjoy reading my past life.

EDIT: I've figured it out! After spending the last 3 hours reading old posts on this blog, I have come to the conclusion that this blog IS my autobiography. And since a lot of the things I say here is vague, some posts have confused the shit out of me. I know I knew what I meant at the time I wrote them, but now I know how anyone else who would have read it must have felt. I wish I knew what I was talking about, so I think I'm going to quit being so damn vague and just say what I think and what I mean and fuck all the rest!

One day I will explain what this all means to me

I know I have got to stop obsessing over this. You have no idea... But I was just lurking on Facebook, and my cousin Nick's girlfriend was upset because he was mad at her. Well, she thought he cheated on her, and Pamp was talking to her, and he said, "we dont cheat and he fell asleep to be honest." Now, I don't know if Nick is a cheater, and, frankly, I don't care. I DO know that P is one, and, frankly, I shouldn't care. But it just makes my blood boil... I would probably feel better if I knew he cheated on his last girlfriend or if she cheated on him. I guess I was the only one not worth the effort...

And the reason I shouldn't obsess over this is because... well, it's unhealthy to obsess, especially over something negative. And I have someone a thousand and ten times better in my life. Who, by the way, just left. It's 4 o' clock in the morning. I wish it was just socially acceptable for him to stay the night. Not to have sex, but just to sleep. But neither of our parents would approve of that. I just don't like him driving home so far away so late... er, early. I mean, he hit a deer one night for God's sake! I'm really tired, but I'm staying awake until he texts me. I make him text me every time when he gets home so I know he made it home safely.

So, anyway, I had a really nice day with him today. We went to Nashville West, and he picked up his new laptop for school. Then we browsed Books-A-Million for a short while. Then we came home and watched The Devil's Rejects. Caleb and Logan came home, and we all had a gay old time. I recorded some videos of our gay old time, and I plan to upload them to Facebook and/or Youtube tomorrow. Er... later today. Then we made chocolate oatmeal cookies and watched The Good Life. It was a good movie and I liked it, but I have to agree with Nate that it was a little depressing. I completely understood the ending though, and I don't think he fully got the point. I like the message it gave.

But, my favorite part of the entire day was after the movie was over. We lay on the couch and talked. I think that's what I always enjoy the most: talks. Not just mindless talking and chit-chat, but real conversation about life and the past and philosophy.

I could say so much more, but I took two aspirin and a BC Powder earlier (gonna be feelin' that in the morning...), and my blood must be so thin because I'm drowsy as all get out, and I'm literally dozing off as I'm typing this.