In too Deep

I want to talk about so many things, but I'm scared.

I'm in too deep, and I'm only making it worse.

I'm spreading myself too thin.

What's going to happen when they find out?

What's going to happen when this all blows up on me?

I just want to please everyone.

I still maintain that I have no idea what I'm doing

I wasn't expecting this, but I guess it was only a matter of time. Mostly, I wonder what incited it, and sometimes I fear that more people know about this place than I am aware of.

Something I was thinking about last night

I've met yet another guy who thinks "no" means "convince me." He more than asked, he tried. Not forcefully, mind you. Just trying to be "smooth." I held my ground. Sometimes I'm worried I won't. Sometimes I cave just so they'll quit pestering me. I know that only rewards the behavior, and I am part of the problem.

I've always felt Jack didn't completely respect women, but god damn if he doesn't understand the meaning of a no. Jack is the only person I've never had to fight off. The only person I've never had to repeatedly say no to. The only person who respected my wishes the first time without question. When you're met with a no, you don't respond with "why." "No." is a full sentence and doesn't require an explanation. I'd like to thank Jack for that, but I wouldn't want to explain why he deserves the thanks.

Jack was almost willing to drive all the way up here to pick me up and take me back to Murfreesboro tonight. Almost. I told him how long the drive was, and he said it was too far. For the record, he drives a classic car that gets 9 miles to the gallon, so it would be an expensive trip.

I wasn't going to go there just to hang out with him. That would be part of it, yes, but I need to get some things from my house, and there are things that need to be done there.

I feel like this post requires me to talk about this new guy. He's fine in every other regard. In fact, we vibe extremely well. Like that last time I vibed this well with anybody right off the bat was when I first started dating Max. I'm not dating this guy, but I've been extremely comfortable around him since the second we met, and I think it's a wavelength. Do I like him? Yeah. He's absolutely my exact type as a matter of fact. But I've already seen some red flags as indicated from the first part of this post, and I feel a sense of physical incompatibility. Maybe my heart's just not into it. Maybe I'm just not ready for something like that. That's not a maybe, that's a definitely. I'll assign him a codename on this blog later, but that's all you need to know for now.

This new guy wanted me to stay with him in Murfreesboro tonight, too. He was more than willing to make the drive. But I just... I can't, dude.

You're Not the Only One

I house sat for Nikki this weekend. It was cool. I kept her animals fed.

I'm still debating whether I should tell you certain things... There are new things happening. There's obviously new people.

I'm still waiting for anyone to hang out with me without having sex on the back of his mind.

And I think I'm realizing my tendencies towards body dysmorphia. I mean that in the most minor sense possible. I don't see anything bad; I just don't see what you see, and I don't think I ever will. I don't like the attention that I receive—at least not where it's focused.

I have fantasies of accidents that will dismember my face or my body. And that's the most private thing I'm willing to admit right now. And I feel terrible about all of it.

I don't like a lot of things right now. Even during the good things, I have lapses of severe doubt and asking myself, "What am I doing?" I got asked repeatedly "Are you okay?" yesterday, and I didn't know what kind of not-okay vibes I was giving off.

And I hate that I have a certain effect on people, and they can't turn it off... I can't turn it off!

I just hope this summer ends well.

I am more or less alive

I'm good at dealing with things on my own.

I think I'm getting depressed again. I'm trying to fight it, but my life is just really weird right now.

I should talk about what has been going on in my life for the last couple months, I know, but at this point I'm not sure if I'll ever get around to it. There are things that I definitely need to talk about about as they will be continuing parts of my life for awhile.

For now, I am done with school and am currently living in Nashville. I am doing one internship and working out the details to get on at another one. I know this is half the reason I have felt discontented lately - big changes always do this to me. The other half is a plethora of things that I don't even want to say here. I'll probably make a private post just for myself to get those things down, or maybe I'll say "fuck it" and let you in on it, too.

Stupid Me

I've got so many god damn secrets.

I'm fucking up so much lately.

My body needs to rest.

I don't want you to know his fucking name.

Stupid shower
Stupid hair
Stupid sweat
Stupid me
Stupid me
Stupid me

Miss Mary, Mary, quite contrary: no, you won't be this pretty forever. Because Miss Mary, Mary, things will get hairy; drug habits make it hard to keep a body together."

I'm not on any substances, but I appear to have a problem saying "no." I'm being pulled in all different directions, and I'm letting some of them win.

I'll get through this.

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