Miss Me

Lately I've been missing things I shouldn't. And people I especially shouldn't.

I don't know what's missing in my life to make me feel so sentimental. I'm content with my life. Maybe I'm just too complacent to the point of boredom. It's hard to make things happen when all I ever do is work, yet I can barely save money... which is why I work all the time.

I had a whole weekend off last weekend. I made it a point to make the absolute best of it. The first weekend I had off that I didn't have to ask for and my friends were available to hang out. Meyer and I took the boys to the dog park. Then he, Michael, and I went to Mellow Mushroom for lunch. And later we went to the pinball arcade up the street and it was all around a swell day despite me being sick. The next day, I was even sicker, but I went to Michelle's new house and we got ice cream and saw a movie and went to dinner. And that was my last day off for two weeks.

My next day off will be next Friday, making it 11 days in a row of straight work, work, work. I was supposed to be off yesterday, but I sacrificed that only day off to cover a shift for a co-worker. I need the money. I will work until I die...

I found out my E.R. bill got sent to collections. A bill collector calls me everyday, but I've never answered it.I'm scared they'll call my work and my family members because somehow they're allowed to do that and apparently they do. I think maybe that bill is a big reason my credit has plummeted. It's still in the "good" range but it's not good enough for me. At least every month I make a credit card payment, it goes back up 10 points. It's slowly increasing back towards what it used to be. Thanks Jonah for riding off my good credit (good intentions, good heart, loyalty, and apparently naivety) just to fucking ruin it.

I know (don't ask me how) Jonah will be back in town next month and that gives me immense anxiety. I want to throw up just writing about it.

Another thing giving me anxiety right now is this tension between N. Korea and the U.S... Caleb is on that Navy fleet that's "prepared to strike" and I swear to God this better all just be some kind of stupid publicity stunt of America waving a big stick and everyone else rolling their eyes.

- - - - - -

Those things that I miss are certain qualities in people who I no longer hang around for obvious reasons. I tried kept in touch with Max for so long because I valued the friendship. He was always down for just about anything - no judgement. Even now when I want to go to a show, I always think "Max would go to this show with me and he'd enjoy it too." But he's too obsessively and delusionally in love with me that it HAD to stop.

I miss companionship and the security of someone always being there. I hope I can experience that again but with someone who is genuine about it next time...

I miss all the friends who want nothing to do with me. I think about them too often because it kills me that I thought the connection there was real and they must not have felt the same. Why do I miss people like that?

I'm so easily fooled.

It's Alright With Me

I used to say I hated no one, for hate is a waste of energy.

Now the list of people I hate goes as follows:

1. Jonah
2. Kate
3. People who don't signal while driving

I used to say I had no regrets, for I was young and had made no life-changing irreversible mistakes yet.

I'm still young, but now the list of regrets I have is too long for me to bother writing out.

I stayed the night with Aaron. I often wake up in the middle of the night or morning lying next to him and can't fall back to sleep. I usually shamefully overthink in these quiet moments. I think about all my regrets. So far he's not one, but I think of all the things that led me to that moment, lying in a small bed with a person about which I feel I still know so little. Trying so hard to not doubt the nice things he tells me... failing, but playing along anyway.

I realized, with Jonah at the top of my list, I forgive everyone else in my life for everything. They aren't bad people.

I forgive P. because I feel he just doesn't know what he wants yet.

I forgive N. because he was always nice to me... to my face anyway.

I forgive Max because although I have made it a point to cut him off now, he more than made up for the bad memories he gave me.

I forgive Jack because although he never really made me happy, he helped me move on from some hard times.

I forgive Eric even if he still drunkenly messages me in the middle of the night; I know he has a good heart.

I forgive Sam, who was the most helpful of this list, which made his leaving hurt a whole lot. I still greatly truly appreciate what he did for me and being there for me in my absolute darkest time.


Life is OK, ya know?

I'm more or less happy now. I catch myself wondering lately what else could be out there. But I'm content for the time being with what I've got, and I'm accepting the pace at which my life is moving right now.