10

I want to be honest, but I don't think I can.

However, if I'm being honest... And vague... I'm doubtful of my future happiness.

I'm just going to focus on keeping myself busy. I'm going to visit with friends more and pick up old hobbies. And new ones.

I'd like to seize more opportunities in the coming year. I'd like to gain more experience. I'd like to be more spontaneous... Because I'm going to need something to do; I'm going to need somewhere to go; and I'm going to need people and things to occupy my mind.

I hope I get a raise this year. I don't often worry about money anymore, but I want to be able to afford all the things I want to do.

I'm just feeling lost, I think. I feel like walls are closing in and I'm becoming trapped. I'm not in a room that I want to leave... But I'm anxious of the disappearing windows. Mentally, I'm in a place I've been before. And self-loathing is bubbling up from the floorboards. I know this will pass, but I don't know how long that will take.

I'm beating around the bush.

Bad Taste in my Mouth

I'm still alive.

I don't write much anymore. I don't know why.

I've realized I resent Aaron because he used me even though I secretly knew the whole time. I'm not surprised I stayed with him so long, but I regret it now.  I don't know why I even still think about it.

I'm dating David now. He's nice to me so far. They're all nice in time beginning though. I know he won't fuck me over because I've known him for two years... Through all the shit I've been through. And I don't want to sound like I'm just waiting for him to turn evil, but I just can't be naive enough anymore to think that anyone hung the moon.

I love him.

I am in love with him.  And, for now, I believe he loves me too. It may seem soon to tell, but the feels are there. And it's definitely not just the honeymoon phase... I know because we didn't have much of a honeymoon phase. Because we already knew each other well before we started dating, there was no exciting "getting to know you" period. And, honestly, I feel a little cheated.

I like the awkward beginning stages. I like the butterflies. But this feels like old love. Already set-in love...

That said, I am terrified. I'm not ready for the bad stuff again. I just don't have it in me to fight a hard fight. I still wake up from panic attacks from time to time. I still have nightmares. I still get anxiety that makes physically ill... And I feel weak from it all. I feel weak-minded. I'd like to think I've moved on... And I mostly have. But I'm still traumatized by this stupid bullshit that l just can't forget about. 

It's been over a year now... I've completely failed at any kind of meaningful relationship in the past year. I'd just hang around dudes who I thought was attractive enough to let them fuck me because I felt it was my only value, and then I'd tell them I didn't want to see them anymore. They've all erased my number since, and I'm just not used to that. I'm not used to getting that "close" with someone only to make them completely disappear.  But that's how it is.

I'd like to think I'm in a better place now. I'm dating someone who I think cares about me at least. I just didn't give a shit if they cared before... And I suppose it's because I didn't care about myself. My current relationship is most certainly more mental than physical though. Something else I'm not used to... So I'm trying to adjust.

I'm moving in with him in a week or so. It's awfully soon, I know. Trust me, I know; I have my reservations. And it's not really ~him~ I'm worried about. It's just the situation in general and the past experience.

I just want to be independent more than anything.

I imagine there will be more panic attacks to come.

For the Taking

For the first time in a long time I don't want to sleep
But in the back of my mind I fear defeat
I fear desolation, disillusion
But this things in motion and won't stop moving
Nothing before has felt right
But this feels good
I feel good

We'll get there

Newboi is gone. He was problematic.


Two of my closest friends just broke up with their friends within the same week of me breaking up with newboi. Something is in the air, I guess.

An old friend of mine whom I have missed dearly has come back into my life. With good timing... We're pretty close... But slowly.

And I hate to feel like these people are stepping stones, just one after the other, but it kinda just keeps happening this way. I'm not doing this on purpose.

Life is moving quickly right now.

_________

Some things break and can't be fixed.

Lately, I feel empty inside.

I need to see more doctors.

Lol @ my life

I called newboi out on his passive aggressiveness because we are adults. By we, I mean me. I am the adult here. We had a talk and he felt better.

That said, I am lying on his bed while he plays computer games for the night. I could be at home with my dog right now...

I also asked him to quit saying the n-word and he tried to say it was my "white guilt" and I said "it's a matter of respect."

That shit grinds my gears.

I'm gonna enjoy this while it last, but it ain't gonna last.

Tired everyday

Newboi seems to be playing with the idea that maybe I could be sleeping around on him.


This bothers me. A lot.

So first, I told him I didn't want to have sex until I hear back from the doctor and find out what's wrong with me. I told him sex is related to the issue. After that, something seemed to be bothering him, but I didn't press.

Later, we were making out and getting handsy, but I winded it down and stopped. He made a comment along the lines of, "stop seeing other guys and save some for the rest of us." He tried to save the "joke" by adding "'us' being me and Pete." (Pete referred to that meme about sleeping positions and 'things are getting weird with Pete').

He tried to make this implication come off as a joke, but we all know these things aren't jokes. He's being passive aggressive and this is clearly something he has been thinking about.

So, I was a bit taken aback by this out-of-the-blue comment, and my immediate reaction was to quickly de-escalate with a counter joke. I told him I was sleeping with Pete.

When I was leaving, he told me bye and quickly added "quit sleeping with Pete!"

I know I'm not over-analyzing here. This is how people drop hints about suspicions. I used to do it when I suspected I was being cheated on by Jonah (the only difference is that *I* was right). They are comments intended to make the other person uncomfortable and/or guilty and to subconsciously plant the seed that you *know.*

I am not sleeping around. I am not cheating. If he can't trust, we aren't going to last.

I'm colder than before

Things aren't getting better with my body. Something is wrong, and all I can do is wait for results. Meanwhile, I sit in discomfort, someone pain, every single day... Doing nothing. I thought I would have some sort of news by now. I haven't called them because I figure if they knew anything, they would call me... I feel the longer I wait permanent damage is being done. I didn't need those parts of me anyway.

I feel like a bad person. This newboi is so in love with me, but I feel empty. I'm not sure I can feel anything. I feel like Jonah ruined that in me. I just don't *want* to ever feel that way again. I don't want to love anyone nor do I want to feel helpless ever again. I think I've been trying to get it back... I've been trying to find something in the people I've dated in the last year, but I just can't. Of course, it was a "looking for love in all the wrong places" situation. They weren't good people; I never get good people.

This current one is nice, I guess. He already gets on my nerves with certain things. I just justify everything I don't like: at least he's not doing drugs... At least he's not selling drugs... At least he's not cheating
.. but I, of course, still have my doubts. And I feel guilty because I don't want to break his heart.

Life

Life is going.

Things are happening. Lots of things.

There's something strange going on with my health/body. It's abnormal and concerning enough that I went to the doctor for it... I haven't told anyone, except the doctor, the exact details. I'm waiting on test results, and I'm scared.

I officially "broke up" with Aaron. It was civil. He wasn't a terrible person... Just not the one for me. Also fairly positive he is a psychopath. Just not a malicious or evil one like Jonah.

Now I'm with newboi guilt-free. It's not ideal; but it's better. He's a very nice boy... For now. He's a bit immature, but he's not a piece of shit. He treats me well... For now. He holds me and touches me (non-sexually) very... Tenderly? It's loving. It's something I haven't felt in a long time. Honestly, it terrifies me. It makes my heart rate spike. It brings back bad memories.

I don't think I like it.

And I know that's my problem.

I know what I want

You read that right: I know what I want!

Oh, my god. I'm so used to sitting in limbo that this feels liberating. I'm not there yet, but I know what I have to do to get there. I have to let the appropriate time pass before I can take the next step, just for my own sense of integrity, but it's going to happen.

I am leaving Aaron. I feel so guilty saying that, but it was never going to work out. I want so much more, and he was never going to give me that.

I found someone who will.

Aaron is kind of pretentious and doesn't see people as people, only assets. He hasn't told me this, but this is the assessment I have made. And I've been actively studying this in his presence. He and I just went to Chicago together (I should say more about that, but we all know I don't talk anymore. In short: great city / would love to go back!). We've spent a lot of time in the car together since it's an 8 hour drive (even longer on the way out since we detoured). I've come to a several conclusions in this time. I've determined he does actually like me on some level. He took selfies of us and sent them to his parents. I took no pics of myself. Nor any with him. I didn't want anyone to know who I was with... So I brought up the fact that he has never met any of my friends. He told me he doesn't meet girl's friends. He thinks it's pointless. Let that sink in. I replied with "hmm." No use in arguing when my mindis made up.

I just want more. I don't want to feel like an asset. I want someone who is more integrated into my life. And I have found someone who is more than willing to do that. In the short time I have known him, he has already met almost all of my friends. He actually gives off the vibe of a geniunely nice person. Unlike Aaron, I don't feel uncertain about him.

I'm tired of floating in limbo. I'm either all in or all out, and right now, I want to be all in.

I'm ready.





You said you'd meet me in Chicago
But I didn't see your face
You said you're leaving her tomorrow
But I'm still waiting without a trace

You said you'd be here in the morning
I wait alone with my suitcase
Promise you'd break the news to her last weekend
Two empty seats inside the train

This windy city won't sleep without you
This windy city is hiding all the bad news

You said remember our Chicago
Secret phone calls late at night
All of our meetings were in shadow
Can we walk out in the sunlight?

This windy city won't sleep without you
This windy city is hiding all the bad news

Time moves so slowly when hope is naive
I feel I'm foolish
I fear I'm drowning, yeah
This was our Chicago
This was our new road
I can't let go
I can't help but be hopeful
This windy city will have to get along without me
This windy city has nothing left for me

You are what you attract? This simply isn't true. Make your intentions pure and they'll rip you in two. What is innocent with a heart full will always be prey to the wolf. For his charm, his trap, his jaws, his grin, the feeble fall... Again and again and again.

this was never real

After a new development having my suspicions confirmed as they always are, the boy is not that great. In fact, my paranoia was sound as usual, and I'm just another one. The notion never left the back of my head, and I'm thankful for that.

I know where I stand.

Consequently, I know not to progress any further. Not that much progress was ever made.

I just can't win. But I'm not too hurt since I knew this was never real.

boy

I like Aaron because he doesn't make my life hard. Other than the "what are we?" uncertainty, things have been pretty easy with him. We get go out for ice cream or sushi sometimes and we sleep together. That's it.

I'd prefer someone who wants to do things together that aren't little dates. Someone who wants to adventure, hang out with friends, and hang out just to hang out. As it is now, he still hasn't met any of my friends. I just can't get him to. He doesn't attend functions with me.

He has met my family though. He met my mom once awhile back. More recently, I stayed the night at his house. The next morning I told him I had to go to my mom's for dinner, he asked if he could go. I told him my whole family was going to be there, and he was fine with that. So he met all of them. It was a nice time, I suppose. We came back to Nashville and I ended up staying at his place again.

I still feel so emotionally unattached, but after those two days together, my "like" for him had peaked. I was really digging him for the next couple days.

I haven't figured out yet if he is a "skip the bullshit" kind of person and just does the relationship stuff (dates, sex, meeting family) without all the gray area (hanging out without a purpose, meeting friends). Sometimes I question if this is what he thinks a relationship is. Sometimes I wonder if he's a psychopath and can feel nothing... but I'm leaning toward he just likes having sex with me. Because why wouldn't he? I've learned that's where I'm most valuable.

Not feeling so great lately. Physically. Mentally. I feel sick and I feel sad.


I'm not sure why.

Limbo

Conflicted between intuition and paranoia.

And now I'm sending myself mixed signals.

Do I? or do I NOT?

Whatever.

I may be ever so slightly rocking the boat.

And there are a lot of things I would like to talk about, but I don't because I can't. Because I've made mistakes. The good news is I don't feel like I'm going to explode because I do all my venting to Meyer these days. I'll tell him about 90% of things. The other 10% I'm happy keeping to myself.

That said, I don't feel the need to write so much these days. There are a lot of things about to change in the near future, and I'm just one of those people who crosses those bridges when I get to them. Not really preparing for anything right now when I know I should be.

Miss Me

Lately I've been missing things I shouldn't. And people I especially shouldn't.

I don't know what's missing in my life to make me feel so sentimental. I'm content with my life. Maybe I'm just too complacent to the point of boredom. It's hard to make things happen when all I ever do is work, yet I can barely save money... which is why I work all the time.

I had a whole weekend off last weekend. I made it a point to make the absolute best of it. The first weekend I had off that I didn't have to ask for and my friends were available to hang out. Meyer and I took the boys to the dog park. Then he, Michael, and I went to Mellow Mushroom for lunch. And later we went to the pinball arcade up the street and it was all around a swell day despite me being sick. The next day, I was even sicker, but I went to Michelle's new house and we got ice cream and saw a movie and went to dinner. And that was my last day off for two weeks.

My next day off will be next Friday, making it 11 days in a row of straight work, work, work. I was supposed to be off yesterday, but I sacrificed that only day off to cover a shift for a co-worker. I need the money. I will work until I die...

I found out my E.R. bill got sent to collections. A bill collector calls me everyday, but I've never answered it.I'm scared they'll call my work and my family members because somehow they're allowed to do that and apparently they do. I think maybe that bill is a big reason my credit has plummeted. It's still in the "good" range but it's not good enough for me. At least every month I make a credit card payment, it goes back up 10 points. It's slowly increasing back towards what it used to be. Thanks Jonah for riding off my good credit (good intentions, good heart, loyalty, and apparently naivety) just to fucking ruin it.

I know (don't ask me how) Jonah will be back in town next month and that gives me immense anxiety. I want to throw up just writing about it.

Another thing giving me anxiety right now is this tension between N. Korea and the U.S... Caleb is on that Navy fleet that's "prepared to strike" and I swear to God this better all just be some kind of stupid publicity stunt of America waving a big stick and everyone else rolling their eyes.

- - - - - -

Those things that I miss are certain qualities in people who I no longer hang around for obvious reasons. I tried kept in touch with Max for so long because I valued the friendship. He was always down for just about anything - no judgement. Even now when I want to go to a show, I always think "Max would go to this show with me and he'd enjoy it too." But he's too obsessively and delusionally in love with me that it HAD to stop.

I miss companionship and the security of someone always being there. I hope I can experience that again but with someone who is genuine about it next time...

I miss all the friends who want nothing to do with me. I think about them too often because it kills me that I thought the connection there was real and they must not have felt the same. Why do I miss people like that?

I'm so easily fooled.

It's Alright With Me

I used to say I hated no one, for hate is a waste of energy.

Now the list of people I hate goes as follows:

1. Jonah
2. Kate
3. People who don't signal while driving

I used to say I had no regrets, for I was young and had made no life-changing irreversible mistakes yet.

I'm still young, but now the list of regrets I have is too long for me to bother writing out.

I stayed the night with Aaron. I often wake up in the middle of the night or morning lying next to him and can't fall back to sleep. I usually shamefully overthink in these quiet moments. I think about all my regrets. So far he's not one, but I think of all the things that led me to that moment, lying in a small bed with a person about which I feel I still know so little. Trying so hard to not doubt the nice things he tells me... failing, but playing along anyway.

I realized, with Jonah at the top of my list, I forgive everyone else in my life for everything. They aren't bad people.

I forgive P. because I feel he just doesn't know what he wants yet.

I forgive N. because he was always nice to me... to my face anyway.

I forgive Max because although I have made it a point to cut him off now, he more than made up for the bad memories he gave me.

I forgive Jack because although he never really made me happy, he helped me move on from some hard times.

I forgive Eric even if he still drunkenly messages me in the middle of the night; I know he has a good heart.

I forgive Sam, who was the most helpful of this list, which made his leaving hurt a whole lot. I still greatly truly appreciate what he did for me and being there for me in my absolute darkest time.


Life is OK, ya know?

I'm more or less happy now. I catch myself wondering lately what else could be out there. But I'm content for the time being with what I've got, and I'm accepting the pace at which my life is moving right now.

Not ready for the conversation

Aaron took me out to fancy dinner in my birthday. He's a nice boy, I guess.

Not sure when I'll be free of this secret suspicion that I'm being manipulated. I hate that I can't appreciate something without keeping half guarded.

My whole heart defers to the hurt half.

I just feel safer believing everyone is inherently evil. I'd say I'm working on fixing that, but I'm really not.

I lose my steam when I'm reminded how hard it is to keep friends. I don't know what I'm doing wrong but fewer people who I have regarded highly want less and less to do with me. I will invite them to hang out on multiple occasions and I am consistently met with rejection. I've learned not to push it. I find it hard enough to see my value as it is; I don't need their help...

It doesn't consume me though. Nothing really does anymore.

I've unblocked everybody from Facebook. I don't know why. I felt like it was time to. I still think about all those things often. I'm not sure if I'll ever stop, but like I've said: it no longer consumes me.

I've quit driving the back way home from work. I've realized it makes me think of a certain person much less. I'm fact, I've realized I don't think of them much at all anymore. For the best, I'm sure.

I went to Logan's house for his birthday. It was so much fun hanging out with my old Murfreesboro roommates. I miss those guys... Don't worry: Jack wasn't there.

Aaron called me drunk while I was at the party. Just to chat. Just because we were both drunk. Hey, I didn't get shitty drunk and that's worth noting! I did drive an hour home not completely sober though.

Another thing, when Aaron and I were hanging out the other day, somehow we got on the subject of Plan B/emergency birth control. We don't need any (those days are behind me); we were just talking about how it's so expensive and whatnot. He said he has had to buy it 4 times! I admitted I've had to buy it a couple times. He asked how much an abortion costs, and maybe I was too quick and too certain in my answer because he asked if I've ever had one. I lied and told him no. I'm not ready for that conversation.


I don't know when or if I'll tell him about all the crazy things that happened to me, but it's still too soon and km not interested in being so vulnerable.

In other news, I've been working my ass off. My next paycheck is going to have about 95 hours on it. I need that money. I've finally reached a point in my life where I don't have to fall back on credit, and I'll be damned if I get that low again.

Your Body is a Wonderland

So, I think maybe things are getting serious between Aaron and I. And I'm excited about it!

I still struggle with the paranoia that it's all a lie and that this is going to hurt because I'm still scared of people, but I'm also trying to suppress those fears and give this thing a chance.

Meyer said he seems like a character from an indie romcom, and I'm trying to believe that too.

I was off work yesterday, so of course I went to Aaron's house the night before. When we had originally made the plans, he said he "had an idea" but wouldn't tell me what it was. He never tells me his ideas ahead of time. Turns out his idea was to teach each other some things about what we respectively went to school for. He wanted to do it as a means of getting to know each other better. And I don't think I've ever had someone plan something just to get to know me mentally. I think all he learned is that I don't do well on the spot. My mind goes blank and I can't forumlate words at all. So, I taught him a thing or two about design, mainly typography, though he had questions about web design. And he taught me a thing or two about songwriting. Have I mentioned here before that he is Berklee educated? I feel this is important. I've always had a thing for musicians...

I did learn more about him... more so in a random conversation we had about one of his friends than in the showcase of his songwriting knowledge (though I did learn a lot from that too). He told me his advice on helping his friend get a girlfriend. He seems to be read on human sexuality/biology/attraction or whatever, and seems to go "by the book." I listened and added my input on what he was saying but deep down feared that maybe his readings on the matter included some pick-up artist advice. I couldn't tell. He described women as either being "in their masculine" or "in their feminine" and said that women should do the chasing and pursue men, but only after a man guages her attraction level for him (must be 6 or above). The man should not chase the woman so that he doesn't make her feel she's losing her independence or something like that. I wanted to tell him that it's not that black and white. While those may be loose guides for understanding basic attraction, individuals are far more complex... duh.

That said, I don't feel I've been doing the pursuing. As a woman who is not confident, I would have let him go in a heartbeat had he moved away by just an inch. As much as he doesn't want to admit it, or maybe doesn't see it, he has, in fact, still been doing the pursing. He has asked me when I'm free and set up the times for us to see each other. He contacted me first when we hadn't talked in a few days. And it's not a competition... I have just been extremely guarded, and I greatly appreciate his efforts because maybe it's helping me realize that it's okay to be open again.

The "idea" was the definitive moment that made me feel that maybe he genuinely likes me for more than just my body.

He also told me how much he likes me and all that, but words are words are words...

The next day, on my day off, he gave Bear a couple tennis balls. Bear loved them. Then he ran around the house with Bear and it had me laughing out loud and it was all really adorable. I know he probably doesn't want to be around Bear since he's allergic, but it means so much to me. I took him to Waffle House for his first time. He knew going into it that it was "an experience." He really liked it. Then I took him to McKay's for his first time. He liked that too but not as much as Waffle House. That night he went to the Eisley show with me despite not knowing any of the bands. Also despite being tired as hell. We had only slept 4 hours the night before. I could tell he was insanely tired and I was too, so I suggested we leave early (we made it more than halfway thru Eisley's set - all thru all the openers - so I justified leaving early), since we were both so tired and I had to work in the morning.

He said, "Are you sure? One more song!" And he really didn't have to do that. He knew I liked them. One more song meant nothing to him.

I worked today. I was technically a supervisor today, so it was kinda weird. Nothing was going right for me all day; like, every little thing that could go wrong - did. I don't feel like I had a bad day though, and this is where I have made impressive strides at getting better. Every time bad things happen to me, it doesn't ruin my day or put me in a bad mood. I'm such much healthier, mentally, now than I was a few months ago, and I think I deserve a slight tip of the hat for that because I could have been dead by now. I sure wanted to be.

Aaron is asking if I want to go to dinner on the 2nd (my birthday). I don't know what he's got up his sleeve, but I hope it's something small, as I was at a funeral on his birthday and didn't really do much for him.

"We were together. I forget the rest."

I have injured both my ankles and can no longer run for the time being. I'm pretty disappointed because I was doing so well. I am already seeing results in getting my old body back, so at least I can kinda justify the rest... I don't want to rest though.

I totally jumped the gun on the Aaron thing. I'm just so easily disheartened. I'm quick to jump to the conclusion that I'm not that important to him. I don't feel worthy of genuine interest from someone who I feel is too good for me. I was trying to be the stronger person by not getting attached, but the fact that I felt defeated by a short lapse in communication proves I've failed in my attempt. For the record, my last message to him never went through. He messaged me "first" after the silence.

So we hung out a few days ago. He told me he had an "idea" but wouldn't tell me what it was. When he picked me up, we went for a stroll and then got ice cream and then back to his place to watch The Mighty Boosh, which he had downloaded all of because I had been talking about it. We've been quoting Old Gregg a lot now... about 7 years too late.

Then he asked if I had plans for Valentine's Day. Obviously not. I told him I've never really celebrated it even when I was in relationships. So, we spent Valentine's together as cheesy as it is. We cooked pasta and cookies and watched Eternal Sunshine. We had a good time.

I think he might actually like me or something.

where i'm at

Pisces (2/20-3/20) // Nine of Wands // Week of Feb. 5 - Feb. 11
The Nine of Wands is telling you to keep going, Pisces. You’ve come so far on your journey, and the progress you’ve made is an achievement in itself. Don’t waver in your vision this week, even in the face of challenges. Keep pushing ahead with confidence, even when you feel tired. Release whatever is feeling heavy, and move ahead only with the things that are motivating you to succeed.

Hey world,

Life is OK.

I've taken up running and exercising everyday because I noticed I was starting to gain inches in unflattering places. That's right - I've gained about 10 lbs. It's not noticeable to anyone but me, but I'd like to go back to what I was. I'm confident I can easily get there by summer, if not well before. I know I'm not "fat" but I also know that if I don't catch it early and do anything about it, it will get worse.

I also take Bear with me on my runs. He has benefited from the exercise everyday, though he's still a spoiled toddler who rarely listens and is always bored. That's alright because I still love him the most.

I haven't heard from Aaron in a couple days. He doesn't really use social media and he rarely texts me. We have fun when we hang out in person - I went with him when he got a tattoo and he has met my mom already - but the lack of communication is honestly making me lose interest. It's the main thing that always makes me lose interest in anyone. I guess the "too good to be true" part is that I was going to get bored... If things don't change, I can't be sure I'll continue to put in the effort. I'm not looking for another friends w/ benefits outfit. I'm interested in something serious.

But, you know, being bored is better than being miserable. I justify it because it's better than what I just left. I accept it because it doesn't make me dead inside. Like I said before... we take what we can get.

We'll see.

proof read none%

I used to be a better writer. I used to be an artist. I used to have hobbies and interests that I actively persued. I used to have a different, more full personality.

I've been reading my drafts on this blog. The things I've written but felt were too private to share here, as private as this place is. I talked a lot about being waiting around for, but ultimately being rejected by someone who I thought was a change for the better. I'm not as dumb as I thought I was when I met Jonah. I knew he was dangerous. I said he was DANGEROUS! In all caps! Fuck, was I brainwashed? I found a suicide note titled "a love letter to my own devices." I don't think I was really playing with the idea of acting on it, but I was probably fantasizing about dying. I have wanted to die through several phases of my life.

I've written about a lot... and I just don't do that anymore. I feel like my mind is slipping. My memory was the first to go. Now I have dyslexic tendencies. I remember numbers backwards and I write "b's" as "p's" and I've never done that before except that I do it all the time now.

The other night I blacked out from drinking. I only had 3 drinks but blacked out after the 2nd. That's not normal. I'm not entirely sure my drink was normal, but it left me in a sick haze for 2 days and I'm definitely never doing that again.

I feel like it's too soon for this, but I'm having doubts... for no reason. Am I bored? It almost seems that nothing is happening but I'm sure I'm just being impatient.

Everything in due time... right?

Fat Mike died... it was heroin. He was stable in the hospital. I had a dream that he was dying. In the dream, doctor (or maybe his mom?) said his condition was "grim." The next day he died. Suddenly. When I found out, my whole body started shaking. An anonymous person donated $10,000, and that is absolutely incredible.

My insides don't feel right.

I can't do another 2016. I really just can't. .

...

This stream of consciousness has been suspended.

Keep your head up. Always move forward.

Life is becoming overwhelming again.

Just Another Thing I Shouldn't Be Doing

I hung out with P today. He's back in town. I told a mutual friend of ours and that friend said "I thought he was in Michigan for good." Me too. Not only is he back in town, he's in MY town. He has been wanting to hang out since he's been back. I've been making excuses not to. Today, I was doing errands and was on his side of town. I decided "why not?" and scooped him up. He joined me on my hunt for a piece of furniture that's been pretty hard to come by. My search yielded unsatisfactory results, but it was nice to have the company. I don't like shopping alone. We got food together and we mostly talked about our failed relationships over the last couple years (it has been about two years since we've seen each other). Of course, I just had the one failed relationship to speak of, but he told me of all the crazy women he's been involved with.

He told me about "camp" a.k.a. his time at the NoDAPL protests. And you know what? He didn't get handsy. He didn't try anything at all. When I dropped him off, we hugged, and that was it. No attempts for anything further were made. And that was surprising but also relieving to me. We actually had a pretty nice time just driving and chatting.

Speaking of seeing people I shouldn't... I hung out with Jack a couple weeks ago too. It was a similar situation actually. We chatted, and that's it. Granted, with Jack, we were at his work, so of course nothing else would have happened. We didn't hug goodbye at the end of the day though. We're not like that. I know, with him, if it were a different setting, I'm sure it wouldn't have been as harmless on his part. But, you know, it was nice to catch up.

I didn't want to see P due to my possibly-developing relationship with this new guy I've been seeing. I wasn't going to let anything happen between us but I didn't want anything awkward to be attempted by him. The new guy's name is Aaron. That's not even a nickname; I'm using his real name on here. I just don't feel like faking it anymore. I'm still only seeing Aaron exclusively. I feel like he's doing the same for me, but I have no way of knowing. We haven't talked about it. Things are different. They're moving very slowly, and that can only be a good thing. After what I've been through, it's probably best to go cautiously. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. He's a nice a boy; he really is. He's just really cute and his personality is cute. It's not a harsh personality like the Jonah or Max. He seems wholesome and genuine, but they all do in the beginning, and I can't get that part our of my head. They all do in the beginning. I don't know if I'll ever trust anyone again. I'm back to having the same attitude I had when I was seeing Jack: If he were to see other girls, so be it. We have no spoken agreement. I'm not going to so much as talk to other guys because I, as usual, will be loyal and want to only focus on one person. But, I feel like this one is actually a *good* one.

If these are the kinds of dreams I'm having, I don't want to sleep.

I was in the passenger side. Max was driving. Someone was in the back seat. We were driving through a neighborhood. Went to make a left turn and there was a lot of traffic on this street. Very slow-moving traffic. A car parked in the ditch made me look and I saw a person in the ditch. It was a girl I work with lying on top of her son, protecting him. I was anouncing this as i was seeing it. As traffic moved away from that scene, an ambulance came down the opposite side of the road and stopped near her. Cars were swerving to miss something in the side of the street. I saw it was a girl in the street... with a bullet hole in her chest. Then I saw more people on the ground, dead. I looked around and saw blood on the sides of houses. I kept repeating, more hysterically every time, "People got shot! Oh my god! People got shot!"