I live with my boyfriend and I've never been more lonely.

Things are going to change in order for me to be happy again.

I am so unhappy right now and I refuse to live like this.

I will be selfish in my decisions.

Men are all the same

I want to say harsh things, but I don't want to regret saying them later...

It took past relationships much longer to reach the point that I am at right now. To be blunt (for once), it's stale.

He's a nice guy. He's not malicious or manipulative or abusive or anything necessarily *bad*. But... He's about the same as the others.

I'm reminded of the early stages of my relationship with Max. I'd go to his house and spend all my time alone while he got high with his roommate/friends the entire time. I'd go to bed alone.

Much like I am doing now. Disappointed and alone... So far, every single night I've been here. I foresee many more nights of the same thing. The difference is I live here and have no escape.

So, it's all the same.

And it doesn't even make me sad like it would have past me. It just makes me want to move on. I'm numb. I'm upset about my own expectations, but overall I am numb.

I don't think he understands how tired I am. I'm so tired of relationships. They aren't for me.

I don't like it.

My biggest fear.

- - -

I'm having a really hard time holding it together. I guess he's onto me.

Every night I go to bed without him. I feel like he encourages this because it frees him up to hang out with his roommates. I feel like the entire time we're together, he's just waiting for me to go to bed. I am not enjoying our time together because it makes me tense. He's so infatuated with these dudes and I am just in the way, though I do my damnedest to stay out of it.

I know he hasn't caught onto that part.

But tonight I finally announced that I was tired and going to bed. I'm not really that tired but it was time to get away. He came upstairs with me and tried to cuddle for a second. He said, "I hope you're happy here." I said, "I'm fine."

We all know what that means.

He didn't press it. He shortly left to rejoin his roommates downstairs.

I can't help but realize I did not follow my instinct on this one.

Still feeling the same. Obviously.

Feeling high strung.

Feeling like a nuisance.

Feeling like I'm only good when it's convenient.

How common.

How simple.

How worthless.

Do-nothings

You know, 3 years ago my life revolved around my laptop. I spent just about ALL of my free time online.

When I was seeing Jack, he and his roommate had a nickname for me: "lazy." I have always resented that. It was insulting (but of course I never spoke up for myself then). I despise the word and the connotations. 

Today I don't even own a laptop. The only screen I have is my phone. And while I do still spend a fair amount of time on Facebook, I am not lazy. I have to *do* something with my time. I've wasted so much time in the past that I can't take back. My mindset has completely changed. I know I've shared how much I hate waiting around. Well, I also hate sitting around. I hate lying around. I hate doing nothing.

This household is a whole lot of doing nothing.

All the same shit

I'm trying to keep it together.

Big changes always bring about big emotions. The bad ones.

I'm stressed and I'm realizing that nothing is new... It's pretty much about the same...

I need to stress how stressed I am. But I know I'm keeping it together on the outside. The inside feels like a ticking timebomb. Like a balloon being blown up.

And I keep having stray thoughts... And I don't think I've ever done that before. And I can't stop thinking of past people and trying to redeem them in my mind. If I knew why I was doing this, I'd tell you. I'm lost.

I've been trying to get away from certain things... Pretty much my whole life. But it's so fucking constant.

So here I am with the same woes that always come back to me, and it's making me more depressed than usual. I guess it's because I thought this time would be different... But instead it's like little bits of everything all rolled into one.

I desperately feel the need to talk about this but I don't know *how* to... As indicated by my vagueness.

And it's not really that I don't know what to say or how to say... It's that I don't know who could see it.

So the sober update: I am depressed.

I'm enjoying testing my new life because I'm drunk.

Will update when sober.

Bad people get what they want

I feel like bad people get what they want.  Doesn't it seem that way? On a large scale, look at politicians... On a smaller scale, look at people you know.

I'm not happy with my personality and I feel like I stray more and more from kindness and sy/empathy everyday.

I've been angry lately. I've been lashing out. I've been having bouts of rage. Maybe it's the stress...

I've had a bad day. And for some reason, I was reminded that in the past, when I had had a bad day, the bad people in my life would deliver. Aaron would bring me candy and bring tennis balls for Bear. Jonah would buy me alcohol and we'd get drunk together or get dinner and a movie...

It seems the people who cared the least actually did the most. And I think this has given me a fucked up view on relationships and out of whack expectations.

I am so easily disappointed, but I also excuse so much behavior.

I'm really just having a bad time right now.

Fast-approaching Complacency

I'm trying to be positive because I really do love him.

As in past cases, I got it bad for him when he's in my presence. I haven't necessarily been having doubts, but I have been having concerns about living together. I just fear the guaranteed and fast-approaching complacency. I'm not ready to be that comfortable. I want things to be exciting! I already wrote a draft about this because I didn't quite know how to word it, but this is what I am trying to say: I always hate when a relationship gets stale. I always feel it's unnecessary. It absolutely does not have to happen. It's always the case that the other party quits putting in the effort because they feel this thing is a safe bet. And it always makes me sad. And it always makes me lose interest and wonder what else is out there. I put in effort until I feel it is unreciprocated... When I start to question the point of it all. And I worry that living together will bring that on almost immediately.

When we went to bed last night, I was a  little tipsy. He made a comment about how he will be playing video games with his friends more often after I move in. I wasn't sure why he was informing me of that right at that moment, but it did make me sad because it somewhat confirmed these concerns I've been having. I guess maybe I got quiet because he asked if I was okay and if there was anything I wanted to talk about. You'd think being about 5 shots deep, I'd have a lot to say, but instead I knew my mind wasn't in the most efficient position to intelligently discuss my whoas; I knew I was mentally slow and wouldn't be able to think of the most accurate way to piece my words together, so I didn't talk about it.

I'm cool with him hanging with his friends, but it's just the implication of complacency of me living there. And I also just feel like I will be spending a lot of time alone in these coming months. I realize how often this happens for me, so maybe it's normal to spend more time by yourself when you live with an S.O...

I'm still very much in love. I caught myself studying his face last night while he interacted with everyone else, just because I like it. I was really just studying /him/ by listening to him and watching his hands and I kinda got lost in my own admiration. At least I've got that to hold onto for now.

And, who knows... Maybe things will turn out better than I anticipate.