Oh, my god. I'm so used to sitting in limbo that this feels liberating. I'm not there yet, but I know what I have to do to get there. I have to let the appropriate time pass before I can take the next step, just for my own sense of integrity, but it's going to happen.
I am leaving Aaron. I feel so guilty saying that, but it was never going to work out. I want so much more, and he was never going to give me that.
I found someone who will.
Aaron is kind of pretentious and doesn't see people as people, only assets. He hasn't told me this, but this is the assessment I have made. And I've been actively studying this in his presence. He and I just went to Chicago together (I should say more about that, but we all know I don't talk anymore. In short: great city / would love to go back!). We've spent a lot of time in the car together since it's an 8 hour drive (even longer on the way out since we detoured). I've come to a several conclusions in this time. I've determined he does actually like me on some level. He took selfies of us and sent them to his parents. I took no pics of myself. Nor any with him. I didn't want anyone to know who I was with... So I brought up the fact that he has never met any of my friends. He told me he doesn't meet girl's friends. He thinks it's pointless. Let that sink in. I replied with "hmm." No use in arguing when my mindis made up.
I just want more. I don't want to feel like an asset. I want someone who is more integrated into my life. And I have found someone who is more than willing to do that. In the short time I have known him, he has already met almost all of my friends. He actually gives off the vibe of a geniunely nice person. Unlike Aaron, I don't feel uncertain about him.
I'm tired of floating in limbo. I'm either all in or all out, and right now, I want to be all in.
I'm ready.
You said you'd meet me in Chicago
But I didn't see your face
You said you're leaving her tomorrow
But I'm still waiting without a trace
You said you'd be here in the morning
I wait alone with my suitcase
Promise you'd break the news to her last weekend
Two empty seats inside the train
This windy city won't sleep without you
This windy city is hiding all the bad news
You said remember our Chicago
Secret phone calls late at night
All of our meetings were in shadow
Can we walk out in the sunlight?
This windy city won't sleep without you
This windy city is hiding all the bad news
Time moves so slowly when hope is naive
I feel I'm foolish
I fear I'm drowning, yeah
This was our Chicago
This was our new road
I can't let go
I can't help but be hopeful
This windy city will have to get along without me
This windy city has nothing left for me
