I think I'm having a bit of a crisis.

I'm trying to push it way down.

I was going to word it "working through some things," but that isn't accurate. I'm not getting through anything.

It feels serious. But it feels like it's all bubbling under the surface. I can't cry. I feel manic actually.  I can't sleep. I'm obsessively overspending on online shopping.  I can't eat. But my body keeps going through the motions. 

I guess I'm interested to see where I come out on the other side of this.  I am teetering on an edge of fucking all this up.

Well, Dad died.

I'm high right now so feel like maybe I can write about this.  That's how I've been coping (one way,  anyway). I feel traumatized but in shock at the same time.  Like, I can't stop thinking how horrendous the whole experience was (especially at the end), but I can't conjure up any real emotion either.  Don't get me wrong, I cried. I cried often for months. In very intense little bursts... until I had to quickly get myself back together. But since it has happened,  I just feel numb and cold.

And I've been taking these edibles to feel even less. 

I'm coping in other unhealthy ways too. Ways that are combined with the absolute disappointment and abandonment I felt from Lane during the process.  

He completely disappeared on me when I needed the most reassurance, distraction, and not-to-be-alone-ness

But I won't talk about those coping mechanisms right now.  

I'm just in disbelief that any of this happened.  

Dad is in hospice. We have him set up in a hospital bed at home, and I am his primary caretaker. He requires 24/7 supervision. I know he is miserable, but I hope this is the least painful option.  

This is truly the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I can't imagine anything will ever come close.

I know people are trying to help,  but I hate being asked how I'm doing. I have to hold back tears every time. 

And everyone always asks if there is anything they can do to help. I need help with a lot of things but it's nothing anyone else can provide. I love my dad, and he isn't being needy at all. But he is so weak that he is bedridden. He can't do anything on his own except talk and drink liquids. I wish there was at least a nurse or someone here more often to help. I just don't feel qualified for some of this. It's physically and mentally taxing.

A friend asked last night, "how are you holding up?"

And I said, "Honestly, I'm only holding up at all because I have to."

And that's the way it's going to be for awhile.

I don't think he is going to make it to the end of the year. I don't think he wants to.