It's art - I don't want to explain it

And I don't have to.

I have this self portrait project to do for one of my classes, and one of the requirements is to incorporate your personality into the image. I've been having a lot of trouble coming up with a photo idea. I always want to be detached from the work that other's will see. I don't want to put my personality into anything. Everyone seems to be able to open up to a group of people, most of whom they hardly know: "This represents a thing that happened to me and has shaped me. This represents a quality about me." I can't do that. I always play it safe. I have this irrational fear of being vulnerable. So I always choose an easy way out: "I chose this because it is my favorite." I want to make personal projects - things that have layers of deep personal meaning to me specifically... But I don't want to explain it. I don't want anyone to know what it means to me. I keep so much of my life private or contained to where I can control the audience. I do so much for myself-only (this blog and the "poetry" [if you can call it that] that I used to write) and not for anyone else.

That being said, the concept I have in mind for the photo is to incorporate imagery from Rene Magritte paintings because the always safe "he is my favorite" excuse. At least something personal leaks into it somehow though. I'm sneaky like that. I did a self portrait in art school with myself in his Homesickness painting. Of course, my excuse was that I just liked the painting. The meaning behind that painting, Magritte's meaning, hit really close to home with me at the time and it was relatable and so very appropriate for me, and that's the reason I chose it. Of course, I have never told anyone that.

I go back to school tomorrow. It was a nice week off. We only get snow here about once a year, and even then it's usually just a dusting. So the ice storm was kinda cool. It was categorized as a Level II State of Emergency. I got this group project due tomorrow that all I need to do is mount some stuff to a board for presentation. I'll do it in the morning before class...

The ADDYs award ceremony is on Tuesday. I'm riding with a girl who I've had a couple classes with. She's nice and I really like her. I'm excited about the ceremony. It's held at a gay bar, so it's not gonna be some big swanky event. It'll be fun.

My birthday is in a week. It'll be on a Monday. I don't have anything planned, and I probably won't end up doing anything. It'll most likely be like last year: too much homework and school to focus on instead of setting aside anything fun. That's alright. I've never been too into birthdays to be honest. Because I've never liked attention, I've always wanted to fade into the background. Birthdays make that really difficult.

I've always related myself to James Wilson's character in the 1776 musical. And I quote Wilson: "I’m different from you, John. I’m different from most of the men here. I don’t want to be remembered. I just don’t want the responsibility!" I've always been okay with fading into obscurity. I maybe even prefer it.

Yeah, sure.

a) I have a problem saying no
b) If he's hanging out with me, then I know who he's with
c) Never seem too eager (especially if you're not)

I guess I can be possessive at times. I know that.

Time away is not time off

Neither of my classes got canceled today. I can't believe it! There's still ice everywhere. I skipped my morning class anyway. I didn't do it to sleep more. I actually woke up at around 6:45am, and Jack had me back at my house by 7:30. Class starts at 8 and there's a 30-minute window at the beginning, so actually it starts at 8:30. I had plenty of time to go, but I had made up my mind the night before not to go and it was 3-god-damn-degrees this morning!

- - -

As it turns out, both my classes were canceled when so few people showed up. I showed up to my second class, but less than half the class was there, so my professor canceled. Hell yeah!

Now I've got this super extensive proposal to write/design/work on, and I have a tired headache. I don't know if you know what I'm talking about. It's a weird specific headache from being tired. Buckley destroyed both of my bottles of iron (I came home with pills strewn across the floor), so I threw it all away, and I haven't taken iron in about 2 weeks. I'm getting perpetually tired again and I really need to do something about it soon. It makes me so much more unproductive than I already am.

I took a very brief nap and had a dream that my roommate said our rent would be $70 more (per person) next month. I almost had a heart attack in my sleep haha. Since Logan moved out, my rent was $480 this month, so add and $70 it would be $550. I can barely afford to live here anymore as it is, which is a third of the reason I'm moving out (the other two-thirds being to get away from here/these people and to go wherever my internship takes me).

I guess today wasn't too eventful. Not much else to talk about. All I ever do is talk about Jack, and I didn't see him today. Someday I'll find someone else to talk about, and then we can start all over again!

Wanna make it interesting?

Reinstated

There's a nice soft layer of snow on top of the hard layer of ice covering everything outside. It's pretty.

P called me at 3 this morning. He had to have been drunk, but I couldn't tell. He claimed he wasn't drunk, but that's no indicator at all. He left me a voicemail the first time he called because I didn't answer. My phone was on silent. He called again a bit later, and I answered. He said he was calling me to make himself feel better. He was in bed and had had a long night. He told me all about it. After we hung up, I listened to the voicemail and it said, "I miss you. I love you. Bye."

I told him he was cute and then went to bed.

Jack may have been serious about his car. He was here this morning and his car battery is charging in my living room right now. He's in his other car, which isn't equipped for this weather, but I guuuuess I'll take his word for it for now. He's story was convincing enough haha.

I'm going to stay the night at his apartment again tonight because what the hell. Apparently we are going out to eat for Matt's birthday. That should be fun.

I got an email saying the university will reopen tomorrow. I'm not going to go to my morning class because I'm about 90% sure that it will be canceled because my teacher lives in a small county where the roads get bad. She already canceled class once earlier in the semester because of the prospect of bad roads, so hopefully she cancels while the roads are actually still bad.

Can't stop even if I wanted to

I'll try my best. How much do I invest?

So, yesterday and today there was no school because we are currently experiencing an ice storm. I spent the night at Jack's apartment last night. Matt is staying with him for the time being because they are about to get a place together. I had fun hanging out with them. I had Limoncello and they drank beer and we watched stuff on Netflix. That present Jack got me was a bandana, which is is nice. It's a small thing, and he was basically repaying me for one that he "took" from me. Really, I let him use it and never asked for it back.

I made him a personalized card for his birthday and also as a way of paying him back in a sense. So, anyone who saw that Frankenstein thing I made, it was for Jack. I'm really proud of the card. It looks really good in my opinion. I'm putting my graphic design skills to use!

Speaking of graphic design... I really need to start applying for internships right NOW. I won't be able to graduate in August if I don't get an internship over the summer, and summer internship deadlines are very fast approaching...

I've been texting P regularly, and last night I told him I was staying the night at a friend's apartment. I didn't tell him anymore details than that because that's not anyone's business. So, he texted me sometime during the night and asked "What are you doing?" And when I didn't respond, he followed up with, "Geez, hangin with boys! Not tellin me! I'm gonna have an aneurysm lol." I lied to him and told him I was with girls. I woke up this morning to his replies as follows:

"Lol I figured I just like to show I care
I can't play the paranoid bf?
I basically am without the title lol"

I replied, "Lol you were paranoid when we were dating! And that's because you were dating someone else at the same time."

That must have upset him because he hasn't responded all day. Look, don't dish it out if you can't take it. I'm gonna fucking go there.

I have this terrible habit of forgiving people for past actions and then never letting them live it down, so I guess they are never really forgiven. I will take certain grudges to my grave, and I don't care how unhealthy that is for me. I'm honestly not bitter about what P did anymore. It's so far in the past now that it no longer affects me. I probably would have truly forgiven him and never brought it back up again if he had apologized for what he had done, but I never got an apology. And I know forgiveness doesn't always have to wait for an apology, but whatever. Sometimes you just have to own up to what you have done. I'm sure I'm going to have to do it sooner than later with everything I've been doing lately.

I mean, I try to see everything from both sides. I try not to be a hypocrite. That's why I'm not longer angry at Jack. I mean, yes, if he brings Marcia over to my house again or any other girl for that matter, I will be upset. But I was, in a sense, doing the same thing. I didn't take it as far as he did, but I do occasionally flirt with old flames or current crushes. It's harmless in my opinion. It wouldn't be harmless if I weren't single, but I'm not actually actively trying to sleep with all these people.

And I don't know why P feels like he's basically my unofficial boyfriend. I can think of three people off the top of my head who probably think that, and he has less reason to believe it than the others. I mean, I'm only physical with one person, and I'm pretty sure we're both very clear that there is no commitment involved.

So I'm anxiously waiting on the edge of my seat to see if they'll cancel school tomorrow. I really hope they do because I'd like to use the free time to get things done as far as my portfolio goes. And I don't want to be in class til 6pm tomorrow... Until then I'm going to work on this homework I have that can be turned in online.

- - - - -

Jack said he was coming back later tonight. He said multiple times, "I'll see you tonight." But he never showed up (this is becoming a pattern). I honestly wasn't sitting here expecting him or anything. I wasn't waiting around. I sent him a funny picture on FB, and he responded with "I'll come over tomorrow." He didn't even say anything about the hilarious picture! And I never said anything about him not coming over (I never do). So, I said, "Mmkay. I don't have school!" And he proceeded to explain that his car broke down. I don't believe it. And since I believe it is a lie, I kept asking questions about it to make him talk about it more. He said it broke down as soon as he parked it at his apartment. I responded, "How convenient."

I'm sure he was just with Marcia instead. Or anyone else. And if that is the case, then I don't see why he feels the need to lie to me. If you're not asked about it, don't bring it up! That's it! You got away with it! Pat yourself on the back and sleep easy at night because you're a real sly fox and have won.

Oh, yeah I don't have school again tomorrow. This has been a pretty great week.

Over a year and not over it

I miss Taz so much it hurts.



Every now and then I'll think about him and get this overwhelming wave of emotion. I can't handle it. Going through pictures of him kinda helped though.


- - - - - - - -

Jack says he got me a small present. I won't know what it is until I see him tomorrow night, but the idea kinda freaks me out. I told him I didn't do anything to deserve a present and he said he saw it and thought I'd like it. I know I've said before the greatest compliment is when someone says they "thought of you" or were "reminded of you" or anything along those lines. It's nice. But I have been trying so hard to detach from Jack, and convincing myself that he doesn't give a shit about me is a fundamental piece to that process...

Break the Sky

The blue birds flutter in my chest. Oh, they want to sing. You'll have to break me open to hear anything.

I had intended to spend my Valentine's Day alone, but last night Nikki asked me if I had plans and then invited me to come along with her and Jake to the Jack Daniel's Distillery. So, although I was a third wheel, it never feels that way with those two. I had a lot of fun, and I'd much rather spend my Valentine's Day with Nikki than almost anyone else.

Jack said he was coming over tonight because he and my roommate were going to cook dinner. Seems he had other plans spring up since he never showed up. That is perfectly okay though.

I'll break the sky, for you and I are going no where. Kiss goodbye a dozen times before we get there. Why do I need anyone else when I can break the sky myself?

I'm not going to be overly available in these coming weeks. I've got to focus.

My dad texted me a picture of a cute little black lab today. I texted back, "WHO IS THAT?!"
His response: "Dont know Just passing through I guess Letting him warm up"
"You're keeping him, right?"
"Trying him out"
"I'm excited!"

So, my dad has a dog at least temporarily. I wanna go home and meet him so bad now! I want him and Buckley to play together!

You know, I had a good day. Even if I spent it alone, I'd have had a good day. I hate that single people get all bent out of shape on Valentine's Day. I hate that anyone feels they need a relationship for happiness.

That's all I got for today.

Friday the Thirteenth

Jack turns 30 today.

I was teasing him about his age and how he needs to listen to his old, tired body, and he said: "Keep talking like that and this body won't be going to your bed anymore."

As if that is supposed to be a threat. Lately I wish it were a reality. But ya know, I've been keeping him around because it's easy. I take the path of least resistance. The last time we were together, I wasn't too into it though because I couldn't stop thinking about all the things that I had figured out. And if he never stepped a foot in my room again, I can't say I'd be too sad.

Waking up your neighbors downstairs. I've been inside your bedroom a thousand years. And as you tie me to the bed for good, I say, "I want you in the most unromantic way."

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate him. I don't have any reason to hate him. In fact, I enjoy his company a lot of the time. I like when he's around, but it's not so much a desire anymore. It's just a normalcy. I guess I'll explain a little about my liberated post a few days ago. I'm not going to tell you how I found out what I found out (at this point you should know I have my ways of discovering the truth), but I discovered that Jack is just a sad, lonely, and very desperate man. I feel confident in myself that I rarely experience loneliness, but seeing it in other people makes me sad. How come some people just can't be happy alone? So, my suspicions of Marcia were most certainly true. And there are most likely others. I know if he had his way, there would definitely be several others. I don't feel right explaining everything I know, but I feel better about myself knowing it all.

I'm sorry - I know I'm vague. The picture I posted was Jack's shirt. He gave it to me because I was cold. I didn't even say out loud that I was cold, but he knew. He can be a sweet guy, but it fucks me up when he's so nice to me like that.

I'd like to address a few posts ago when I was talking about kind of missing being in a relationship: I take back most of what I said there, especially about Jack. I had been watching sweet movies with happy endings and was just being sentimental. My intuition was brainwashed by my emotions that night. That's all.



I told both my roommate and Jack that I am leaving in May. When I told Jack he asked where I would go. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm definitely not staying here. I can't stay in one place for too long, especially this place. I am so excited to graduate and move on with my life. I'd like for my degree to take me somewhere. But even if it doesn't and I end up doing menial work, I just hope it's far away from here.

Remember my friend Mecha? Mecha is getting his certification in dog training and it just so happens to be in my current town. He took my dog, Buckley, with him one day to be trained. I don't particularly agree with that training method, but I don't have the heart to tell him because he is so fully committed to it. He is even considering quitting his job because his job doesn't allow that training method. The way he talks about it, he seems brainwashed by his trainer. So the method he is so adamant about is the correction method. I don't know the proper term. He tried to tell me it was positive reinforcement! I know behavioral training very well, and that is most definitely negative reinforcement. The correction method is when you "correct" the dog by jerking on the leash when they do something you don't want them to do. Punishing a dog for "wrong" behavior is the very definition of negative reinforcement. So, my dog seemed very depressed when he came home from training because he had essentially been being punished all day... Mecha says his work only allows treat-based training, which is purely positive reinforcement, or rewarding the dog for good behaviors. That's the method I have always used, and I prefer it myself because I know it works and it makes the dog HAPPY to do right instead of terrified of doing wrong. My dog has confidence issues enough as it is. I want to build his confidence up instead of beating it back down. It has already been a long process getting it to where it is now, and he is still super submissive at times. Anyway, I just wanted to rant about that for a minute... I probably will not entirely implement Mecha's methods into my lifestyle.

So in Graphic Design there is an award ceremony called the ADDYs. As a senior graphic design student, I was *required* to submit some of my work to the ADDYs (made mandatory by the faculty). I was a bit upset about having to do that because it cost $35 to submit ONE piece, and, as I have no faith in my work, I felt it was literally just throwing money away since I wasn't going to win any awards. It turns out I won an award though, so I guess it wasn't a complete waste. I won't know exactly what I won (gold, silver, bronze) until I attend the ceremony. So I guess that has given me a little boost of confidence today. I'm excited to attend the ceremony as well, but I have to find a ride...

So, today is Friday the 13th and tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I wish I had more girl friends. I wanna celebrate Galentine's Day. I really just want to go out and get breakfast food with people haha. I'm getting tired of always being around dudes.

I'm going to try to work until I pass out now. Hopefully I can make myself be productive...

It means something

What if I started uploading photos with no context?

This picture is going to make me sick one day.

Liberated

I thought I wanted to be left in the dark, but, God, it feels so good to know. It feels good that I can adjust my life accordingly. It feels good that I can move on. Ahhh, I feel liberated. I know nothing I do from here on out will feel wrong. It won't be wrong.

I'm debating whether I should tell you what I'm talking about or just leave it for now. I don't think I want to explain. Just know I'm in a good place right now, and I did something slightly sneaky to get here, but my results completely overshadow that.

I'm not sick anymore. My voice is still weak and a bit hoarse, but I'm feeling much better. It happened almost overnight, which is great. I've got a lot of homework to do now, so I'll give ya all the deets tomorrow.

Two six fifteen

I saw Copeland the other night with my friend Dav! It was a lot of fun. She didn't know the band, but she had fun too. I'm too short and couldn't see ANY of the performance through the crowd, but they sounded fantastic. The music and the singing sounded so close to the studio recordings. I met Aaron Marsh, and Bryan and Stephen Laurenson after. They were all so nice! Bryan and especially Stephen were super excited that I knew about States.

We met a guy in the band Valise. His name is Ricky. He was super cool and nice too. I love shows and I always like hanging out with Dav, and it was all around and great experience. I was so ecstatic by the time we left. We got pulled over on the way home. The Davidson County Metro Police have a pretty good reputation, and this experience just made me see that firsthand. The cop was so nice to us. We got pulled over because Dav stopped at a blinking yellow light, which you aren't supposed to do. The cop said it was reasonable suspicion for possible intoxication. He said, "But you clearly haven't been drinking...". And he was just all around a very nice guy and a great cop. I have a typical disdain for cops because I'm used to so many of them being assholes right off the bat, but this guy was great.

(sidenote: we actually had been drinking, but Dav was sober by the time we left - neither of us drank that much).

I completely lost my voice a few days ago, and I'm only just now getting it back. I had to whisper all day at school on Wednesday (but I got my voice back just a little that night at the show, so I'm glad I could talk to the band somewhat). Thursday my voice was barely there, and today it is barely here, but at least I can talk.

This morning was the worst. My throat hurt more than it has ever hurt in my life. I was so exhausted yesterday, I passed out around 7:30. I woke up a few times throughout the night, but I got out of bed at 7am and I was in the most intense pain. My throat was absolutely inflamed. I couldn't swallow or even move my tongue. It was excruciating to cough, which I couldn't prevent. It was so bad, I considered going to the doctor. I took some medicine and went back to sleep, and it felt better throughout the day. Now that it's late at night, though, it's starting to hurt again.

Jack went to a show tonight at a bar up the street. He's going with Matt. He said he agreed to go because Matt asked him and Matt wants to pick up chicks. He said it implying that he himself would not be picking up chicks, but let's be honest.

I'm still super cautious of him, and I don't really believe a lot of what he says. Like on days he doesn't come over after work, he'll claim he was hanging out with Matt (even though I never ask). I could give him the benefit of the doubt, but if he is seeing other girls, at least he's not bringing them over here anymore...

And if he really is being honest, well then that's great. I'm not going to get hurt, so I'm staying emotionally detached and uninvested, and believing he is the same helps me stay that way.