Leave Me Behind... Again.

A few days ago Lane and I were lying in bed talking before he left for the weekend. I can't remember how it came up, but we started talking about long distance relationships. I told him I would never do long distance. Not at all. And he tried to disagree saying we did it when he lived in Murfreesboro. I told him that was because Murfreesboro is only an hour away, and, besides, I hadn't grown accustomed to living with him like I am now. Then he piped in with some hypotheticals like what if he lived 2 hours away. I said no, that I wouldn't do it. Then he asked what I expected him to follow with: he asked if he lived in Alabama (where his mom lives, where he goes and spends every other fucking weekend) then I wouldn't want to stay with him. I told him no. That's too far. I'm not interested in anything long distance. Ever.

That pretty much ended the conversation. He sorta stared off contemplatively after that.

Then the other day the topic sorta came up again. He asked if I would move with him if he found another job out-of-state. He said he isn't planning on staying at the factory he's at forever. I explained to him how I own this house and I'm not willing to leave it just yet. I've only lived in for a year. But he wouldn't drop the subject, so I told him if that were to ever come up, I'd consider it.

So, last night, we were at his family's Christmas Eve gathering. I was sitting in a chair between him and his little sister. I was looking down at my phone not involved in any conversation when his sister asked him, across me, "Have you heard anything from the job?" He did not reply out loud, but I felt him mouth back to her and gesture at me. Meaning he was telling her to not spill the beans about something I don't know about. And that confirmed my suspicions that he is planning on moving to Alabama to be closer to his mommy.

Let's be clear: this isn't about a job. This isn't about a career. This isn't about opening up opportunities. I KNOW it was his mom's idea to apply to jobs down there so he can be closer to them.

It's hurtful because it's inconsiderate to me. It's hurtful because I always knew he'd leave me for his fucking mother. It hurts because this isn't the first time I've been in love and living with someone where there was another woman involved who was a constant issue in the relationship (in this case it's one-sided because I keep my mouth shut about his uncomfortably creepy relationship with his mom out of respect for him and respect for not fucking up the relationship) and then planning to move behind my back to be with her. It's not the same situation, but the parallels are incredible.

So I've been stewing on that since yesterday. I worked today. While there, I fell and sprained my elbow. Can't go to Urgent Care because it's a stupid fucking holiday and they're all closed.

So I'll sleep in pain tonight and I'll drink in pain tonight. Happy Holidays!

I sense a talk is coming. A talk I'm not prepared for. 

I've been distant, less affectionate, and downright mean sometimes. 

I don't know if it's something I can fix or undo. I don't know when it started, but I may know the exact turning point that caused it to accelerate. 

I think the day he solidified out-of-town plans with his mom for a non-family holiday is the day I realized this will never last if things don't change. I was disappointed that he chose not to spend it with me. I was disappointed that he chose his mom over me yet again. Because I'm selfish. But it's always all about her. I can't understand nor sympathize.

I also would much prefer to be with someone who is an independent adult. And I just don't see him as anything but an extension of mommy and daddy...

I know I am, most likely, the real problem here. I know I am irrational. I've tried to tell myself this, but I can't seem to compromise. Compromise feels like settling. 

So, when the time comes, I won't know what to say; I only know how I feel, and I don't know how to put that into words. 

I had a long talk with, let's say, an old friend, who tried to convince me that I was being complacent. I just accept the things I have problems with and do nothing about it. 

But that's just life, isn't it? 

Not a single person goes to bed shrouded in complete and total peace every single night. 

If I fight every single thing I have a problem with, I'd do nothing BUT fight. I don't have that kind of energy.

But I also know that, while I can accept something for an extremely long time, I can't go on that way forever.

So here we are. Unable to sleep because I feel high strung. High blood pressure. Unable to calm down.

Sleep is the only way out.

I'm always working. And when I'm not, I'm doing. I clean my house and run errands and make phone calls on my days off. I always feel like I have to be productive. I never want to be seen as "lazy." I detest "lazy," and consider it, perhaps, the biggest insult for me personally.

I used to fantasize about getting sick just so I would have an excuse to lie on the couch all day. Just to give me a reason to rest. 

But then that just happened. And let my tell you, I was fucking SICK. Fever, chills, headaches, vomiting on an empty stomach and causing a stomach ulcer. I didn't eat a single morsel of food for 3 days. I was in constant pain, nausea, and discomfort. It was not relaxing whatsoever. 

That was almost two weeks ago. And because of that, my house has been a disgusting mess ever since. I've worked nearly every day since recovering, and the days I wasn't at work I spent taking the dogs to be vetted, helping patch a fence, and walking a lady's dogs for some extra money (it's a sidegig I do on my days off because I just can't sit still).

So I'm off work tomorrow, and I get to spend the whole day (that's how long it's going to take) cleaning the house. And when I'm done, I'll likely work on one of my side jobs because I have no friends, no life, and no purpose.

He asked if I missed him "yet." And I don't think I did this time. He's gone so often and I know it would be a longer time than usual this time, so I kept myself busy and tried to create a normal environment without him.  And it was fine. My mind was too occupied to miss anything. 

But between the intentional distractions, I have had a lot of time to think. And when you leave me alone to my own mind, when you're not occupying it, it thinks out of your favor. 

"From homeless to homeowner"

But I still feel like a failure sometimes.

Well, most the time actually. 

I just don't feel like I'm living up to my potential.

I'm itching for change. As I do every couple years. I guess I find myself unhappy with the status quo more often than I would have predicted.

More and more, I can't stand to be alone with my thoughts. I'm always drinking or taking Benadryl to make me fall sleep because I can't always do it naturally.

I think I place too many of my emotions on my relationship. And that's really had me in a bad place lately.

I've done this relationship before. He's out of town every other week... Except not just for the weekend. Days at a time. I can't even make plans with him for future events because I can't count on him to be around and available when the time comes. And, if I'm being honest (and I've been drinking, so....), it's erasing our future together. In my mind anyway. 

I'm all or nothing. And I mean ALL.

I've realized I'm probably actually toxic. Seriously. And it makes me feel like shit. So, again, I substitute with substance to avoid my own damn self. 

And because I don't have my live-in partner here, like, ever anymore, I entertain the fan club.

Shrug shrug 

shrug

I feel like maybe it's slipping.

Maybe I want something else in life.

Is this really the best it can get?

Jesus Christ I'm so blue all the time

I've felt weird all day. Like in a daze.

I am alone for the weekend. And I'm trying not to get sad.

I emailed David last night to respond to his last ditch effort to work things out. I told him the timing is wrong. Not right now.

I've been thinking about it all day.

I've been in my feels.

I had a dream last night that I was living in a house with someone. I kept discovering new rooms and that the house was much bigger than I thought. There was a weird graphic moment where I slept with a person I found living in the house... It was someone whom I haven't seen since college. Idk if any of that is relevant to how I've been feeling...

I want to go out and be social. I want to go out and drink! But I don't know who I would do that with. I have no friends and it always brings me down. I no longer know what to do with myself when I'm alone. Sometimes I drink at home. But then what? Just sleep? I suppose.

Alcoholism

Here's where I'm at right now.

I've got one foot out the door with my job. I've updated my resume and saved a bunch of job listings but can't seem to bite the bullet and apply (I applied to only one).

I feel like they need me.... Not the company (fuck 'em!), But my coworkers... Maybe they don't tho.

My relationship fluctuates. It gets rocky and then it's good again. That's normal. He seems to think things are "better" when I don't though.

I've received a sort of heartfelt "choose me or him" from David. I mean, romantically, I choose Lane. I'm still pretty into him, despite the things that upset me. And I know he isn't trying to make me choose, but he just needed me to know how he feels.

I've hung out with him a couple times lately... At concerts. The things I wish he'd have done when we were together. I still respect David immensely. I want his opinion on things. But I just can't uproot what I have. And I hate that he can't move on from the feelings, but I completely get it.

So my body hurts and my mind is haunted. I cope by drinking a lot of alcohol. I drink almost everyday. I take Benadryl to put me to sleep since I can't always do it on my own.

It's just one of those days.

Circle

My car has been undrivable for weeks (again). I'm in a dead end job that I dread going to and don't get paid enough. I've purposely distanced myself from boyfriend who is unaware but feels things have been "better" lately which makes me feel like total shit. My recent ex, who had always seemed like a voice of reason, has been popping up lately (because I contact him... Sometimes for logic... Sometimes for just conversation because I'm a sad, lonely loser) and making me question things.

I guess it's getting bad again. It's a cycle and it was bound to come back around.

Excuse me while I burst into flames

I made a mistake by dating David. I made a mistake by having a physical and romantic relationship with him. Not because I regret it (I don't regret it)... But because I miss the friendship more.

Well, I was always able to separate my emotions from my friendships. Like genuine friendships. If there was romantic interest but maintaining the status quo of platonic friendship seemed more logical, I've always been good at not giving into my feels.

I know I say it a lot, and it may be hard to see when I'm living up an SO's butt, but I value friendship so much more than romance or being physical.

It's why I sorta try to maintain friendship with most my exes. But I can always see that they struggle with it. They can't separate their emotions. I don't blame them... I'm usually the one that hurts them by leaving and then my selfish ass tries to waltz back in to their lives but only at arm's length.

And I find myself often wanting to talk to David because I always liked his insight and logic. But what little I talk to him usually results with him holding back for to ~feels~. And that is why I miss what we had before we dated. The feels were there back then, but I suppressed them and it was fine. For me, anyway. Perhaps he was never fine and felt friendzoned. I don't know.

By dating him, I raised him to my unrealistic level of expectations. And he, like everyone else, did not meet them. And it made me unhappy, so I left. As usual. As always. That's how my story cycles again and again and again.

So now we're stuck history. Complications. But I'm not the one with the feels. Not those kind of feels. I don't have the heart to tell him that I'm not physically pining for him. Maybe not emotionally either. I don't want what we had when we dated. I want what we had before that. I really miss what I perceived as a good, honest friendship. I'm not naive enough to think he wasn't ready to get with me at any moment in those days. But he didn't treat me like prey.

I just miss friendship. I miss connection. I miss having someone to talk to. Someone to vent to. I miss not getting upset when my boyfriend wasn't giving me attention because he's all I've got. I miss not feeling so lonely and sad all the time.

Trying to go to sleep but I'm having very distracting palpitations. I feel constricted and dizzy... I was feeling this way earlier at work today. And I've been feeling this way often, almost daily, and usually at work.

I'm breaking down, and it's this god damn job doing it to me. I used to love my job, but it's not feeling worth it to go down with the ship. And it feels like the ship is certainly sinking. I told them if any more people leave and I have to pick up anymore slack than has already been put on me, then I'm out.

I'm having trouble coping and de-stressing.

Can't afford peace of mind

I've been bitchy lately. I don't realize it when I'm doing it, but I'm retrospect, it's pretty mean and uncalled for.

I know it's from the stress. I'm constantly stressed and I haven't found an outlet or a way to cope. I'm taking it out on everyone around me, and they don't deserve it.

It's even slipping out at work, the one place where I NEVER lose my composure.

I just don't know how to handle this.

I've got a bunch of ongoing problems all stacked up. The latest is that I am once again carless. My car needs a new radiator. It's always something with that thing and I've only had it for 6 months. At least Caleb is fixing it for me for free.

Which is immensely helpful considering my money problems are the biggest factor of my stress. I get paid well, but I am truly broke. I have so many bills and debts, that I have no money left after I pay them every month.

That comes with a slew of stresses of not being able to afford gas or food or necessary treatments for my pets or myself.

My animals have somehow gotten fleas despite all having expensive flea collars, and in order to get rid of them, I need to treat the animals, the house, and the yard... All of which requires a large sum of extra money that I can't come up with.

I live in a house that I am grateful to own, but it's constantly dirty and I have next to no help with it despite having other people living in it.

I am one person with a full time job who works 10-12 hour shifts (and being broke with not much to show for it)... I just don't have the energy to clean all the time.

It's like having kids. I feel like I live in a house with a bunch of kids who I clean up after who don't help and don't care.

I've been miserably dealing with this car accident stuff. It took forever to get all my medical records now that my 6 months of treatment are over. And I've got debt collectors calling me over all the medical bills I couldn't keep up with.

I'm just getting by one day at a time... And barely at that.

Loud

I can't sleep because I'm having ~anxiety~ and it's stressing me out. I'm not someone who claims to suffer from anxiety like most everyone else on the planet (well, the internet). I don't have social anxiety or public panic attacks (and, honestly, neither do they). I get crowd anxiety, but drinking helps soothe that. Mostly, I get can't-sleep-anxiety. Just wide awake, heart racing, and what feels like high blood pressure. I have to be up for work in 4 hours and that stresses me out more, which makes the palpations even worse.

I've been grumpy lately, and I can't really figure out why. Today, for instance, I was alone all day (and productive!). Not really bothered by much. But then Lane and Caleb got home and between the two of them, it's just constant noise. Both talking nonstop and mostly trying to engage me. I think it's my old introvertedness coming through. The constant talking just raised my blood pressure. It started 6 hours ago, and I haven't been able to come down ever since. I've been lying in bed for awhile, too.

Maybe, even though I'm in a quiet, dark room with Lane quietly asleep beside me, it's because the bugs outside are especially loud tonight. So it's really not all that quiet.

I don't know. I've still got a lot on my plate and that's constant underlying stress that sometimes surfaces, I guess.

Writing this down didn't make me as sleepy as I was hoping it would.

I've been awake for a couple hours, so I've lost a lot of the details, but here's the dream I woke up from this morning:

I was in a house that I owned and lived in with my family. A bigger house than the one I currently live in. Sam and his girlfriend and, of course, his mom and dad (along with a male colleaque?) all walked up to the house with a dog they were walking. I don't remember why they approached or why they stayed, but they lived up the street in this nice neighborhood. It was nighttime throughout this whole dream.

At one point we were in a room all lying down, like in sleeping bags in different areas of the room but in close quarters. It was Sam, his girlfriend, my brother, and I all in different spots. Brother was asleep, girlfriend was reading something out loud from her phone and Sam moved over towards me to... Cuddle? I guess. My only thought was "why? His girlfriend is right here!" (It reminded me of that time we were all out and he sneaked away to meet me at the bar to kiss me when I assumed he was WITH the girl we were hanging it with; it really fucked me up). So I was uncomfortable in the dream, and I left to another room. It was my room, and it was dark, only dimly lit (maybe by candlelight?). I believe I woke up here.

I know I dream every night. We all do. But I normally don't remember my dreams when I wake up. I wish I didn't remember the ones like this because what was the point of all that? Bringing back all these memories first thing in the morning. 😖

I had a dream last night that I was hanging out with Michael's ghost. I could see him and communicate with him but no else could. He was in his old work clothes: cargo pants and black button-up short sleeve work shirt. At one point we were at McKay's and he filled out a question card on how he heard about the place and wrote that his friend Sebastian had gone there a year prior or something. I don't remember much more than that.

Choose me first

He chooses me first.

Every single time.

Is this normal? I'm not used to it, and I don't know how to respond to it. I've literally never experienced this before in any other relationship I've ever been in.

He always chooses me.

I'm a typical girl who does the, "do what you want" thing and secretly gets upset when what you want isn't what I wanted. It's shitty, I know.

However, even in situations where I don't present this ultimatum, when I expect him to choose otherwise and wouldn't even be mad about it, he still chooses me.

His college graduation all his friends showed up. We were all at the bowling alley. Since all his friends were there and had expected to all hang out after, I was going to go home and wait for him after he celebrated with his friends. But he came home with me instead.

Last night he was in Murfreesboro and told me earlier in the day he was going to hang out with his cousin. But he decided not to and came home to me instead.

I didn't tell him not to. I said "okay" when he told me and accepted that he would be home late.

When I tell him he doesn't have to choose me over his friends, his response is always, "I'm domesticated."

He lives with me now, and I couldn't be more excited about it. I've never been excited about living with any other SO.

And domesticated we are.  I've honestly considered marriage, which is something I've never cared about nor wanted. I don't remember a time I was still this excited about someone this far into the relationship. It's only been 9 months, and I know I sound like an infatuated schoolgirl, but, hell, I feel like one too. 🤷

I could talk about other things besides Lane. I could talk about how I'm doing physical therapy for my hand and how that's almost over. I really hope I get a big settlement from all this because ya gurl could reeeeeally use it. I could talk about how badass it is to be a homeowner. I could talk about how I'm finally getting tired of my job and have not-yet-seriously looking for new ones just to see what's out there.

But that all bores me. My relationship makes me happy and surprises me pretty regularly, so I'm going to keep talking about that.

Affect / Effect

I talked to David today. He is moving out of state and gave me some belongings of mine that I had accidentally left behind.

He told me how I inadvertently and indirectly helped him come to some realizations and, to some degree, saved his life.

Some words that I had said to him (something along the lines of "you're over competitive") repeated in his head and made him come to terms with who he is. Allowing him to shed his passive shell and just start speaking his mind. I think he implied that the complacency he was living in had the potential to drive him over the edge... Maybe? Thus, saving him from reaching that point.

He also wanted to share with me the things that he feels are my flaws. And I agree with his points. Those being:

1). I'm too agreeable and need to speak up for my self

2). He thinks I subconsciously want to be a mother due to my nurturing nature despite the disdain I have expressed toward children. He gestured at my house full of animals as his exhibit A. He afraid I'm going to realize it too late and have regrets. I get we'll just have to see about that one.

3). I come off as a man-hater. And he's not wrong. We both know I don't hate the men in my life. But I explained to him that I dislike the idea of men. The stereotypical man. And he gets where I'm coming from but feels no one should blatantly perceive the other side as outright bad but should instead point out where they can improve. I think... That's not how he worded it but I believe that's sort of the point he was making.

I hate the overall theme of the experiences I've had with men though.

So, there's that. I'm glad he got to get all that off his chest. It was nice to talk about things and perhaps get some closure we both needed? I'm not sure I really talked about closure, but it was nice to know we can still get along.

After 2 full days, I asked his roommate if Lane was OK. He says he has been playing a computer game this entire time.

I gotta say, I was furious.

It's been like 5 hours and I'm still pretty fucking angry.

He himself finally texted me a couple hours ago "hey babe how are you?" like it was nothing.

I wanted to be petty.

He is Bipolar (takes medications for it daily) and, of course, can have episodes. So just in case this was a bipolar-induced depressive episode, I bit my textual tongue and texted back a normal response. I've been having a "normal" conversation with him despite just being in a shit-ass mood the entire time.

He'll hear about this. Just not right now.

He told me he was stressing about school and potentially not graduating and it seems a lot of pressure is getting to him.

So I tried to be the best girlfriend I could be and give him words of encouragement.

It's hard to be nice when you don't want to. It really is.

So, he seems all fine now, and I'm going to bed angry, yet again.

It's not entirely his fault. I don't come down quickly or easily from these kinds of moods. I'm gonna stew in it for an unhealthy amount of time.

I just don't know how to snap out of it or what to do with myself so I've been lying in bed awake for the last 5 hours.

I haven't heard a single thing from Lane all day. The last text I got from him was yesterday at 6pm... And that was the last of very very few. This is the first time he has ever done this, and I can't stand not knowing what's going on. I feel like the only "good" excuse for this is very bad news, and I don't know if I should be worried.

Fundamental Differences

Who are you talking to at 4 o clock in the morning?

Gives me anxiety.

"Things are going to be different now," he says.

I know him, and I know this is just a phase. But this is the first time I've seriously questioned the longevity of this relationship. 

He says he won't be here as much as he "wants" to be. My mind immediately jumps to how I've always dealt with an absent partner... Going out more and making a point to spend as little time at home as possible. I don't want to go that route again, but I don't like the way he implies things are going.

His current phase - obsession, rather - is the bible. I worked 10 hours yesterday and didn't hear from him once all day because he was supposedly reading the Bible and talking to his dad on the phone to discuss it. All day. Claimed he talked in tongues. He actually believes in that shit...

I was worried all day thinking something could be wrong. It drained me. And when I got home and found that, I was just not in the best mood.

He says he'll have to go off on his own to read and pray.

I know it's a phase.

But he doesn't understand the parallels. When he left the room at 4am this morning and started talking on the phone, my whole body tensed with anxiety. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't sleep. Jonah used to wait for me to fall asleep so he could leave the room and talk to The Other Girl. Jonah used to leave off on his own for "church." It all gave me anxiety then too. And I know Lane and Jonah aren't the same. But they make me feel the same sometimes.

After I was able to go back to sleep for a second, I did have this dream: I was on the front porch of my house on a city neighborhood street. Sam walked by on the sidewalk wearing a business suit. He lived a couple doors down. Some friends from across the street were there. They were faces I used to know in Memphis. Sam had a green "$220" floating near his head. One of the guys on the street said hi to him. Once Sam had gone, I told the guy on the street that I know how much money Sam had due to an app I had installed a long time ago. We got to talking. The guy, Rashad, approached me with a proposition. He said my house needed a king. He was implying being roommates with me and being the male presence in the home. His friend, Dimitri, interrupted, "the house is perfect with small hands." Implying I did not need a man around. And that's where I woke up.

I don't know if that's relevant or not but it's worth writing down when I remember a dream....

Anyway, we all know I'm not religious. If Lane keeps this up, it will be a massive turn off. Or he'll lose interest in me because I'm not in the same mindset. Fundamental differences and all...

Unbelievable

I still rack my brain. I never felt I needed or deserved a love without problems. I really never knew it was possible, but here we are... So far. Sure, I've stated little annoyances, but they are so incredibly minor by comparison.

I believe he actually loves me. He tells me all the time, sure. But more importantly he shows me. He does so much for me without question or complaint. I wake up with his arms around me.

And I really love him too. A love I didn't know it was possible to feel towards another adult human. I get sad when I'm alone. I want him involved in everything I do. I am still just as into him as I was excited in the beginning. I stare a lot when he's not looking. I admire him. I adore him. I'm proud of him and to have him and to show him off.

I still struggle and feel like I probably always will. I struggle to believe it. I do believe it, but my subconscious can't be complacent, I suppose. Sometimes when he tells me how much he loves me (and I think it only happens when he tells me, not shows me), I feel a tinge of fear in the deepest pit of my stomach. It's like that lump-in-your-throat feeling just down in my stomach. I know it's fear. I'm scared to trust. I'm scared to be vulnerable. And, like everyone else in the world, I'm scared of getting hurt. I'm scared to open up and invest *this* much. I'm scared to believe it because I don't want to feel stupid if it were to ever be untrue. But I'm trying to overcome all of that. I'm just not sure I ever will.

I also just don't have the self-esteem to see what he sees.

He talks a lot about marriage. I'm glad that's as far as it goes for him. I'm glad his idea of trapping me isn't a baby like I've experienced before... I've even considered the idea of marriage with him, though, I'm way more for the idea of elopement. He's the only one I've ever thought about it with. There's still a long way to go before any of that idea grows. But I feel like even if it reaches that point, and even if we stay together for years, the fear that it was all fake and never real will forever loom in the background of my subconscious.

One day maybe I'll seek help. I've considered it pretty heavily lately. But right now I'm going to continue just spilling it all here and here and hoping that helps enough for now.

Bringing these back

if you could have sex with any celebrity right now, who would it be?
Mamoa

if you had to have sex with one of your best friends who would it be?
I would have to be so drunk that it doesn't matter, I guess

ever fallen in love with a friend?
Developed a crush on one in high school

did you end up getting together or not?
Nope

if yes, how did you end up together?

if no, why not?
Never persued it. The friendship was more valuable.

ever been the other woman?
Yeah! This dude I had slept with a couple times had a girlfriend the whole time apparently. I found out months later from his Facebook... After he unfriended me. 🤷

we all have that one song that gets us pumped, what's yours?
Depends on the day, the mood, the alignment of the planets...

have you ever been to prom?
Zombie prom. As an adult.

did you have a good time? 
Yeah! I blacked out the first time I went. Made the best of it the second time.

don't you just hate it when someone is a boring texter?
I am that someone.

ever let someone use you knowing they were using you?
I have done this on more than one occasion during different phases of my life all of which had low self-esteem as a common denominator.

how many people have you slept with (sexually not actually sleeping)?
11

how many of them were you actually in love with?
Oh... maybe 4

ever taken someone's virginity?
Nope

would you ever want to be with a virgin?
Absolutely not

if no, why not?
I prefer someone who knows what they are doing

favorite song lyrics?
Depends on the day, the mood, the alignment of the planets...

do you constantly find yourself internet stalking your ex?
Nope!

if yes, how many times a day on average do you find yourself doing this?
About once every 3 months to make sure he's still really far away

so like, what's your zodiac sign?
Pisces

what's your favorite item of clothing you have & why? 
The leggings I've been wearing almost everyday since the wreck... They're thick like pants, warm, and easy to put on with one hand (it's the only pants I can wear right now being handicapped and all)

do you have anything to hide?
Probably

are you friends with any of your exes?
Only kinda

given the chance would you take any of your exes back?
I would not

do you have an addiction? 
Yes

to what?
Coke from Sonic

do you like being taken or single more & why?
They both have their perks, but due to my lack of friends, lately I prefer being taken because he's the only one who wants to be around me

being loud & obnoxious is fun huh?
Not at all

do you feel like you're sorta split personality?  half & half?
Oh, like milk and cream? Yeaaaa

do you act like your own gender or more like the opposite sex?
Whatever

do you have more friends of the same sex or opposite?
opposite... if I had any lol

i'm gonna make you some food now, what do you want me to make you?
Depends on the day, mood... You get it

blunts, bowls or bongs?
None

favorite sexual position?
Switching it up

3 traits your dream partner would have?
R e s p e c t x 3

drake is the bomb isn't he?
Bit of a creep

do you really care what people think of you?
A lil

when you have a fight with your partner what do you do?
Seethe probably

Have any siblings you know of but don't actually know personally?
I have a brother who is schizophrenic... don't really know him anymore

greatest fear?
I think it changes

something people fear that you do not fear at all?
Spiders maybe

don't you hate getting nice & comfy & then having to pee?
All the god damn time

what do you think of porn & the people who watch it?
To each his own

when your friends mention you in fb statuses & tweets do you get happy?
Not really what gets the seratonin goin' for me

how much does it really take to get you mad?
Depends on the planets, yo

would you date someone that your parents & friends didn't approve of?
I did that once

do you have any regrets?
See: above
The entire year of 2016

are you always the one to apologize even if it's not your fault?
Not always

ever lost friends because of a certain guy or girl?
When my friends get SOs, they don't talk to me anymore 🤷

is ghetto really an insult?
I don't say it

what word can I call you to insult you?
Hands down: lazy

ever used a legit sex toy before?
Yeah, turns out it's not my thing

ever questioned your sexuality?
Nah. I am unfortunately attracted to men.

ever thought you were pregnant?
I wish it was only a thought

ever faked being pregnant?
I wish it was fake... But I would fucking never

favorite song at the moment?
"I was drunk" - Margot & the Nuclear So & So's

ever had a major surgery performed on you?
No but this hand might need surgery soon

do you think you're a boring person?
Definitely

do you think you're more or less a good person?
I think I used to be good

Which of the 7 deadly sins are you guilty of?
All of them, I'm sure

do you think it's possible to dislike all music?
Anything is possible

what's one thing you think everyone has in common?
99% of DNA

do you believe that there's actually good in EVERYONE?
No

what's one thing that bothers you that probably wouldn't bother most people?
The sound of a file/Emery board

do you believe in forever?
For the universe, sure

how many relationships have you been in?
If you mean committed Facebook-official-type relationships... I think about 6 of them count under that category

do you ever want to get married?
Was never in my plans, but we'll see

why or why not?
Not a goal of mine

do you believe in divorce?
Yes

how about love at first sight?
Not really

is there a song you can't listen to without thinking of someone?
A few

how are you feeling right now?
Sleepy

do you like being called babe, baby, hunnie, etc?
Yes, actually. But I never say it back.

do you have any sort of ongoing health problem?
Deficiency

ever lost someone close to you?
A couple

ever been hit by a motor vehicle?
A month ago today

can you play a musical instrument?
Nope

do you wish you did?
Yes

are you able to speak fluently in more than one language?
No, but I'd love to

ever self harmed in any way?
I've self-destructived like an adult, no self-harm tho

ever wish you were of the opposite sex?
As good as they got it... Still no

favorite genre of music?
Americana folk

are you lady like?
Doubtful

is there that one person who you just CAN NOT seem to get over?
I thought there was one for a minute, but it passed

so what's your dream job?
Unobtainable, I'm sure

someone you can't see yourself being able to live without?
I hope I never have to find out

best & most favorite video game (pc or console) ever?
Fallout 2

what's worse? yolo, swag, or cray?
You do you

so like, whatever happened to that 2012 thing we were all worried about?
We're in a simulation

would you ever tattoo someone's name on you?
Likely not

when people sing happy birthday to you do you feel awkward or happy?
So awkward

favorite thing about being in a relationship?
Having someone there

favorite thing about being single?
Doing whatever you want forever

ever been hurt by someone you thought would never hurt you?
Of course

don't you hate it when people in relationships act single?
As long as it ain't my relationship, then it ain't my business

sex is really good isn't it?
Currently, yes

ever had a friends with benefits?
A few

do you like trains?
Not in a hobby kinda way. I wish we had more for public transit.

do you think you have a pretty good singing voice?
Nah. Wish I did tho

how about dancing, are you a good dancer?
Don't think so

is intelligence a turn on for you?
Yes

hm, top 3 physical turn ons?
I've always had a thing for, like... toned arms and shoulders. Dark hair. Square jaws (bonus five o clock shadow)

you're dating someone, they must be what personality wise?
I don't even know. Funny (to me)

aren't rasta colors perfect?
Yeah actually

do you like bob marley?
Not really

why or why not?
Not my taste

do you like to feel powerful & in charge?
Oh, I do

capricorns are the best aren't they?
I don't fucking know

describe your appearance in 3 words:
Kinda small, kinda dull, probably draped in black

are you afraid to stand out?
Probably

what do you do when you're mad?
Clean the house... Sleep

how about sad?
Clean the house... Sleep

Do you still love me

"Do you still love me? It's what I worry about because it's the one thing I can't control."

He's trying to get me to open up... But I thought I was already open? He says he is observant and can read people really well. This is true because I've witnessed it plenty. He makes excellent analysis on people that I've never even thought of. Always accurate... He should have gone into psychology.

But he can't read me. I only give him "a little bit" to work with, and he works it into worry.

I genuinely don't know how to open up. My thoughts stop at tongue, and I can't get them out loud. I will look someone in the eye and say exactly how I feel inside my own head, but I physically can't say it. I freeze up and go silent. I've always been this way. It's most apparent when I'm upset.

But I'm not upset... I have very good things to say about him and about us. I've written them all here! And this is where my silence is usually translated. Although I've laid out my complaints here as well, I'm still very much in love with him and want him in every way. I just feel uncomfortable letting certain things like that pass through my lips for some reason. But it's absolutely nothing to write it. I guess I'll have to let him know that somehow...

- - - - -

I've had a pretty emotionally exhausting weekend. It was my one weekend off work this month, and I had things planned. But they did not turn out as planned because I have already been down in the dumps and coming to the realization of just how lonely and friendless I am really took a toll on me. I spent most the weekend in bed.

I can't figure out how to de-stress. I feel a lot of pressure inside me. I'm still pretty sad about life.

I know there are things to be happy about, but I'm already at the bottom of this hole. I'd love to come out of it...

I've got a short fuse lately. I'm taking my pent-up stress out on every minor upset. I've been extra mean to the pets when they get in trouble. I've been snappy with Lane. I've been brutally honest with Caleb. I haven't been pleasant to be around.

I deserve to be alone right now. And I am.

I'm still so incredibly stressed and overwhelmed.

My chest has been hurting more than anything these last few days (even more than my fucked up hand), and I'm unsure if it's from the accident or from the stress or both.

I have to return the rental car on Wednesday. Insurance is counting my car as a total loss and only paying me $2,000 for it. I'm just upset about this because I really only have two options here and I lose with both of them. Option #1: I rush to buy a used car for $2 grand. All the cars that I can buy outright with this little money are old and have high mileage. I'm essentially taking on more problems and it will likely be a money pit. Option #2: I use the money as a down payment for a newer car causing me to take on a car note and another monthly payment to add on top of my already very heavy monthly finances. I absolutely cannot afford even one more monthly bill.

Both options add to my financial strain. Before the accident, I had a car that was fully paid for and ran perfectly fine. Now I am forced into more debt. There is a 3rd option: save the money and hold out for tax returns + the other settlement money for "pain & suffering" to buy a vehicle a little more decent.

But I can't get to work if I do that, and I've already missed enough days and lost too much in wages over all of this.

The more stressed I get the more I want to get a lawyer. I've got the contact info for a couple already. But that stresses me out more because if I sue, it could take a year or more to settle. And I just don't think I have the energy for all that.

This entire situation has worn me down. I'm losing my fight, and I'm sure that's exactly what they want.

Lane is in Arkansas visiting his dad. He went down there to help his dad with some medical appointments and testing and whatnot. But now he is stranded there because his truck won't start and he's been troubleshooting the issue for 2 days with no avail.

If he can't fix it by tomorrow, I'll have to go get him after work.

Then I have to go get another x-ray on my hand on Wednesday and return the rental car.

Then we will both be stranded.

I just really feel like I don't have control of anything right now and it's really taking a toll on me.

On the (dimly lit) bright side, Lane has still been a Godsend through all of this. I miss him like crazy and have been realizing how strongly I feel for him. For the first time in my life, I feel truly loved. I'll go more in detail about that another time. He had just been keeping me grounded.

I can't wait for all of this to blow over so I can get back to my life because right now it's feeling pretty ruined.

I am incredibly stressed and on the verge of a mental breakdown. I am am stranded with no vehicle and no one to help me.

I already HATE asking for help as it is. Lane is out of town. My mom lives 2 hours away. And Caleb has been staying with me but hates helping and doesn't want to and has made it very clear.

They are pressuring me to get a rental car tomorrow with my own money because I'm a helpless, stranded, and dependent piece of shit. And the insurance companies aren't doing anything (they are supposed to supply the rental). I have to go back to work because they pressured me for availability.

I'm tired of being handicapped and having to do everything with one hand. Life is significantly harder with one hand.

I hate everything right now.

Crash

I was involved in a car accident a few days ago. The other party involved was a 16-year-old driver, and it was their fault.

My car is all smashed in and totaled. My hand is fractured. But everyone is at least alive and in one piece. I have never been in a wreck before, and this was a bad one. I mean, airbags deployed, we had to go to the ER, the works... I have no car and have been out of work and I'm overwhelmed with dealing with the police, insurance companies, and medical needs. Honestly, this whole situation has made me majorly depressed.

Lane has been my rock through all of it though. He was driving my car (with me in the passenger seat) when it happened. He has been making most the one calls, dealing with the business, taking care of me, and keeping me grounded.

But he left this morning to go to his dad's in Arkansas. And now that I don't have to pretend to keep it together, I'm not doing well tonight.