I forgot the title

"Well i wanted to get you something.. Lol i have noone to buy stuff for. And like you been probably the coolest person i have ever befriended. And i fucking appreciate it. Cause even though i suck at keeping in touch i want to. And you know most people would have just gave up on being my friend but you didn't. Just being real.. Plus i've always found you attractive and you actually talking to me makes me smile. So I wanted to make you smile! :p"

Now, how could I be mean to that? I don't know how to let people down nicely and be firm at the same time. Too bad the guys who like me are all players or junkies.

But this is exactly why I want to get away...

I'm ready to live somewhere new with all new people. That's why Memphis sounds pretty good. It's not out of state, but it's damn near close. I've got one more place to look at before making a decision though.

Quit Yer Bitchin

I'm not tired, but I really need to go to bed before I blow up...

I haven't had a good day, but it wasn't necessarily a bad day either. But the bad parts of it are eating me up, and I can't even appreciate the good parts.

I wish some people would just let me be. In that context, it may sound like I'm talking about a specific person, but I'm referring to a handful of people, and my problems with them are all completely different.

Sometimes I wonder why I even say things.

I'm talking to Marissa right now. It looks like she's most likely going to Kansas. It would've been cool to room with her in Memphis, but Kansas sounds badass and I don't blame her.

My mom has been giving me all kinds of hell about finding a damn $3000 scholarship. She's all pissed off that I missed the deadlines, and keeps saying her famous line, "I TOLD YOU!" when she didn't say shit. I specifically remember worrying about college back in the first semester of school, and she told me that I had plenty of time.

If I got to school in Memphis, $3000 is ALL it's going to cost me to go there because, thanks to my good grades (that you seem to have taken for granted, mom), scholarships have paid for the rest of it. All $80,000 of it. -.-

I guess the good part of today is that I went to this little consignment shop (and like all consignment shops, it smelled like old people) and bought 3 books. At least now I've got something to do over the break.

"Do it beautiful!" Ughh that just makes my blood BOIL! And this is why I say "quit wasting my time" because that is absolutely all you are doing.

I'm going to watch a movie and go to bed now.

Start Over Start Again

I'm thinking finally I need a love that's new
-Suddenly You <3

(I don't often use hearts, but it's so appropriate here).

I've been neglecting this. Now when I tell a story, I just tell the brief overview. I used to go into long-winded detail about everything. I guess I just don't care.

A Rocket to the Moon (and, thus, Justin Richards) was in Nashville last night. The show sold out, so I couldn't go. It doesn't matter anyway, I guess, because I didn't get back in Dickson til 9, and if I did go to Nashville, I wouldn't have gotten there til 10.

Well, today has been quite the lazy Sunday. It felt good to sleep in my own bed last night. I slept so long. Like 14 hours. I'm like a cat.

I want to do something, but I don't know what. I'm probably going to go to my dad's house tomorrow and stay til Wednesday when I have to go to Nashville. I'm going to look at Watkins, but really, I'm probably going to Memphis, especially if Marissa goes there too because then I'll already know somebody. I haven't even applied to Watkins yet... fml.

I've been in a "poke war" on Facebook with Pamp. That is, until today. Instead of poking him back, I deleted it. I wish I had the guts to delete him too, but I know he'd notice and ask why and I'd be obligated to tell him everything, which I will do eventually, but not right now. There are some things he needs to hear, but I doubt he'd ever take them to heart.

I may go to my grandma's house after Watkins on Wednesday and stay there for a few days.

I don't know... I just suddenly don't feel like writing anything else anymore...

Spring Break, huh?

Coordinate brain and mouth.
Then ask me what's it like to have myself so figured out.
I wish I knew.

I never feel like writing here anymore...

So, spring break is officially here. I just got back from Memphis. It looks like that's where I'm going to college. If I do go to school there, I'll get to live here:


I made a new friend while I was there too. If we both decided to go to this school, we're going to be roommates! :)

Pamp is on spring break too, and he's back in TN. He wants me to come see him. Lol lol lol. I dislike him more and more every day. I may see him one day, but I can't stand his stupid games, and I'm not going to be all over him like he expects me to be. I won't let him be all over me either. He's got plenty of other girls, who are too stupid to realize what he's doing, to be all over.

Holding on to your grudge.
Oh it's so hard to have someone to love.
And keeping quiet is hard.
'cause you cant keep a secret if it never was a secret to start.
At least pretend you didn't want to get caught

I've been trying to find homes for these puppies. I've been trying really hard, but no one seems to want them. :/ Well, plenty of people want a puppy, but they can't have a puppy. I really need to find good homes for them because if I don't Josh and Ashley are going to take them to the humane society, and I just really don't want them to get put down...

I got a migraine today when we were at cracker barrel. I couldn't eat my food. I felt really bad about not eating too... So, I took a BC in the restaurant because I had one in my pocket, and I slept in the car for about 2 hours. I felt better when I woke up, but I'm still feeling the leftovers of the migraine. Still nauseated and whatnot, so I'm going to bed now. It's going to be an interesting week.



And these are the words you wish you wrote down.
This is the way you wish your voice sounds...

When the day met the night

It was day time. I was standing at the opening of an alley with three people. There was a roof over the alley, so we called it a "top alley." (Cuz it had a top on it...). I don't know why that is significant, but it is. I was with a white guy about my age, and younger black kid, and a black girl (Lil Mama-esque... lol). The kid was explaining to the girl something about some slang word. We walked back into the alley and went in a door that led underground. After going through a few tunnels, it was only the white guy and myself left. We ended up in a room at the end of the tunnels. There were people in there. Whitney and Lucas were there for some reason. I guess it was art class... (it wasn't art class). We were just hanging out talking about things. At one point we were talking about some person. And Whitney said that he told her that he wouldn't rest until he killed me. With which I responded, "I told you! I told you! I told all of you!." Apparently it wasn't news to me. Later we all went to sleep.

It was night time. I was with the same guy. We were in a store like Hobby Lobby. The guy got angry about some plates and went up to the guy who was selling them and yelled about the quality of the plates. (I don't know why he was so angry about plates). He purposely dropped a plate on the ground, and it shattered. We left then. He was driving and I was in the passenger seat. We passed a door that looked like the entrance to the underground room. I asked if we could go there. He said no. I asked, "Don't they remember us?" He responded, "They remember who we were." I said no more.

- - -

What the hell is this profound nonsense? I woke up from one just to fall asleep into the other.

Oh yeah, it's also St.Patrick's day

I guess I've had a somewhat productive day today. I drove around the park for about 20 minutes, then I walked around the lake. Got a hell of a work out because I'm so out of shape... heh.

I was going to fill out my O'More application today, but I'm going to go to bed early instead. Hopefully, I can get that done tomorrow though. And maybe I'll get my Watkins stuff together by next week. I've got a lot of art to do in a short amount of time. I need to get motivated.

It's only 8:30. One serving of adequate rest - medium rare - on the way!

Beware the Ides of March

The chariest maid is prodigal enough
If she unmask her beauty to the moon.(1.3.40-41)

I don't really feel like talking about my day. I could talk about everything that I did today, but I just don't feel like it. It's not often that I do lately.

I've realize today that I'm not going to go anywhere with my life if I don't change my attitude. Oh, wait. I've realized that plenty of times, yet here I am: the same as always.

I've got a paper to write. But I need to read about 30 more pages before I can write the paper. It's 10P.M. already...

When you get an account for something, what's the first username you try?
I try different things now. Then again, I don't make new accounts much.

What do you think might be someone else's first impression of you?
I really don't know.

Is texting having a negative or a positive effect for social relationships?
I'd say positive maybe.

Would you be okay with a friend wanting to date one of your exes?
No. My friends deserve better.

Have you ever been addicted to something other than a drug?
I don't think so.

Have you ever been addicted to a drug?
Nay.

Do you like macadamia nut cookies?
If they have white chocolate chips also, then :9!

What kind of accent do people typically have where you're from?
A nice southern drawl.

Bruno Mars- fail or win?
He's catchy. But his fame will be short-lived.

Can you sleep without a fan on?
I much prefer to. I hate fans.

Does history interest you at all?
Certain parts and certain cultures.

What's something you wish you could do-over?
Everything is as it should be.

How many times a day do you apply deodorant?
In the morning.

Have you ever tried any drugs?
Nothing out of the ordinary.

What caused the most intense physical pain you've ever felt?
When I OD'd on Aspirin.

Would you agree that dark chocolate tastes like rotten chocolate?
I don't like the stuff myself.

Do you touch your lips when you're nervous?
No.

Do you think you can read other people's body language well?
If I'm really analyzing.

Are you a good driver?
Uhh...

Did you pass your driver's test the first time you took it?
I haven't taken it yet...

Would you rather be involved in a watergun or a paintball gun war?
Both sound like fun.

Is your hair in layers or is it all the same length?
Layers... reminds me. I need to cut it again soon.

Is there anyone who you're afraid to be in a car with, if they're driving?
Nah.

What's a quick fix for a bad hair day?
Wearing it up.

Do you enjoy flying or do you get scared?
I've never flown.

Be honest. Do you like making other people feel jealous?
Not something I intentionally do.

Have you ever purposely made someone of the opposite sex jealous?
No.

Are you addicted to shopping?
No.

Do you always wear mascara and eyeliner?
Not always. If I'm feeling sick, too tired, or running late, I won't wear any at all.

Do you have any huge hoodies lined with snuggly fur on the inside?
I have hoodies. No fur.

Is there anything you do, kind of habitually, that's completely mindless but helps you think?
I'm not sure.

Do you like headphones or ear-buds more?
Headphones mos def. I really hate ear buds. I don't like putting things in my ears, especially if they've been in someone else's ears. That's gross.

What's your favorite winter sport?
I like to watch the Winter Olympics sometimes.

What's something you're very good at?
I'm really not sure.

Where do you spend the majority of your summer?
Wherever.

Who do you usually spend the most of your summer with?
Whoever.

How old were you and where did you go on your first real date?
Um... the movies I guess.

Have you ever had a bonfire on the beach at night?
I have not. Pretty sure fires are not allowed on any of the beaches I've been to. Though that would be nice.

Do you like sour gummy worms?
I suppose.

Have you ever helped a complete stranger with anything?
If so, I don't remember.

Would you pick up a hitchhiker if they seemed harmless?
Not if I was alone.

When playing a sport, are you more focused on winning or having fun?
Well, definitely not winning.

Who's the last person who gave you a piggy back ride?
Hell if I know.

Who's the last person that you gave a piggy back ride?
...

Would you be bothered if your boyfriend liked to bite you?
Uhh I don't know.

Are you any good at dancing?
I don't dance.

Even if you aren't, do you like to dance?
^

What makes you feel the most 'alive'?
I don't know... I really need to get reading...

Who's conversations do you appreciate the most?
Anyone who I can hold intelligent conversations with and it's not meaningless chit chat.

Is there anyone's advice you value enough to take against your own judgment?
When you're young, you take your own advice. And when you're tired, you stay up every night.

How often do you get the opportunity to be completely alone?
Most of my home hours.

Do you like being alone or does it drive you crazy?
I like it most of the time.

Do you have a trampoline?
I do not.

What's your favorite Pixar movie?
I'm not big on Pixar (or Dreamworks).

Are you capable of successfully lying to someone you love?
I don't really lie unless it's a white lie or something.

Who do you adore?
Taz. :3

If you take me for everything

I don't want to go to school tomorrow. It's kinda stupid that it counts against our exam exemption if we miss school tomorrow. I understand it's missing 6th and 7th period, but I don't want to go to "meetings" for the first 6 hours of the day... Jones said he doesn't know what these "meetings" are and hopefully they aren't "showers." He said if they tell us to go in a room with no windows, then don't go. Ahahaha.

Now, to address the juniors making a 21 or higher and being allowed to skip "senior" skip day. The reason I am against this is not because they shouldn't be allowed to skip with us (they were going to skip any damn way), but because it shouldn't be an incentive. We, seniors, were not offered shit for making 21 or higher, so why are the juniors this year so special? It's also unfair that we, seniors, have to attend school the day of the ACT if we aren't going to be having classes and that it counts against us if we miss though we are not having classes. Someone brought up a good point that as an incentive, the juniors should be allowed to skip the day of the ACT next year when they are seniors. Although, we, seniors, did not get that "prize,"(really the school has fucked us over all year, so we should be used to this treatment by now), I think it's a better idea than letting them skip "senior" skip day seniors basically paid for that day. But whatever. It's not like this is democracy or anything.

Today at lunch Nate told me I "look pretty today." Haha. :3 Then after school Pamp texted me and called me beautiful which just made me angry because I fucking hate being called beautiful especially by him. So I hold Nate's compliment at a much higher value. It's the sincerity that I appreciate, not the compliment.

Will you be attending any concerts in the next month?
Possibly so!

Have you ever had to do a class in summer school?
I have not.

What have you been worried about lately?
I haven't been too worried about much lately.

Do you know how to swim?
I do.

Have you ever gotten gum or another sticky substance stuck in your hair?
Not gum, but a sticky substance nonetheless. It's nothing dirty -.-. That Mars Mud shit.

The stupidest thing you've ever done:
I don't think I've done it yet.

Do you know anyone who has been laid off from work recently?
If by recently, you mean within the last year, then yes.

Have you ever went a year without getting your hair cut?
Yes. I do not intend to do that this year. Gonna cut it again spring break.

Do you think you could go a week without sugar?
If I had to.

Would you be willing to go one day each week without meat?
Sure, why not.

Do you feel comfortable telling people how much you weigh?
Sure, why not.

Do you have any talents that your friends don't know about?
I don't think so.

Are you any good at sewing?
Ehh, I can sew, but it isn't any good.

Have you looked at any old photos of your yourself lately?
No.

Has anyone ever interviewed you about one of your hobbies/talents?
I don't think so.

Would you ever consider experimenting with drugs?
You only live once... some of us not even that much...

Do you carry a calculator around with you everywhere?
There's one in my backback, so kinda.

Do you like to plan things out or just go with the flow?
Go with the flow.

In a relationship, have you ever been on and off with your partner?
No.

Do you use sunscreen during the summer?
Rarely.

Do you garden at all? If so, what types of things do you grow?
I do not garden...

Do you consider cooking to be an art?
Well, they offer culinary majors at art schools, don't they?

How many pairs of sunglasses do you own?
Zero.

Are you a fast or slow reader?
I don't know. I guess it depends if I'm interested in what I'm reading or not.

How many books would you say you have read this year?
Just this year, only about 3.

Would you ever spend $500 on concert tickets?
Not unless it were all the original Beatles or Blind Melon with Shannon.

Do you know anyone who looks like you?
No.

Do you get nervous when you go to the doctor? About what?
Nah.

Are you a short tempered person?
Sometimes, but not always.

Does it take a lot to gross you out?
Not really.

Last time you seen an ocean:
Last time I SAW an ocean in person was summer 2008.

Do you collect sea shells?
I've got some from the beach, but I don't really collect them.

Best thing you've found at a thrift store:
I haven't found anything exceptionally cool at one yet.

Would you survive if you were stranded in a strange city all by yourself?
I'd probably get murdered.

Beyond care beyond compare

Loool. I think I pissed him off. That's the least I could. I don't think he knows that I don't care.

It's 11pm. The last three days in a row I went to bed at 6, except last night I went to bed at 10. So much for getting adequate rest. It never lasts.

Anyway, I'm about to go to bed, but I feel like doing this for once.

Have you ever dated someone who was emotionally or mentally unstable?
I don't think so.

Would it be hard for someone to steal your heart?
It would be now. I've got it on lockdown.

When was the first time you drove a car?
Not too long ago actually... haha. I'm a loser.

Do you ever want to fall in love?
Well, sure. Isn't that what everyone wants?

Do you sometimes speak in funny accents for fun?
Yeah, but only to myself.

Be honest: Are you clingy?
I don't think so. Maybe I'm in denial though. I don't know.

How do you take compliments?
I just say "thanks."

Do you have an easy time falling asleep?
Never.

Where is the strangest place you've ever woken up?
A different place than where I fell asleep. That used to happen.

Would you rather someone be straightforward with you or sugarcoat things?
I think everyone would rather have straighforwardness.

Are you a crier?
Not at all.

In your sleep do you snore/talk/laugh/cry/walk?
None of the above. I'm a sound sleeper.

Have you ever gone out in public in your pajamas?
Yes.

True or false: There is nothing to fear but fear itself.
False.

Do you live in the moment or think of the outcome?
The moment. I'm fucking impulsive...

What is something stupid you've done?
Just be stupid in general. When I thought I was smart.

Have you ever had Bronchitis?
I don't remember but probably.

Do you like shopping from sales racks and clearance racks?
Not usually. That stuff is usually there for a reason. I can never find anything I like. Then again, I'm just really picky in general.

Do you like to wear makeup?
I suppose.

Do you have a high tolerance for people?
Depends on how I'm feeling that day.

Not the relicious type, but...

It's not that I'm just now realizing things. It's just that I'm finally coming to terms with what I've realized.

And, lately, I'm at a loss for words.

My eyes are wide open.

Sometimes, I feel like my eyes are wide open. I feel like I have a better understanding of things than other people do. And I just don't get it. I don't feel special or that I'm better than anyone. I just don't get why everyone isn't this way. They should be. I'm very average. I believe I'm of average intelligence and at a normal level of understanding, so why isn't everyone else at my level? They should be.

And for that reason, I know that is why I respond to things the way that I do - with total lack of surprise. Nothing is surprising. As Jones would say, "There is nothing new under the sun." It takes a lot to get a reaction out of me because not a lot deserves a reaction.

Why am I even saying this?

I can't remember all the things I was going to say yesterday. Yesterday I was in a weird state of mind. Today I'm just tired and not feeling well. I never feel well anymore. It's been like this for at least three weeks now. I got sick, and I guess I haven't fully gotten over it yet.

There are a few things going on in my life right now. For some reason, I just don't want to talk about them. There's a lot on my mind, and I don't want to talk about any of that either.

Well, I'm going to go down some cough syrup. Partly to stop my coughing, but mostly to help me sleep.

Maybe one day I'll have something interesting to say.

Well, I feel you more than you'll ever know
And I feel more than what I'll ever show
I feel you more than you'll ever know
And I feel more than I'll ever show

There's so much I want to tell you 'bout the way I'm disappearing.

I've decided that maybe it's time to grow up.

And maybe I'll go to Memphis.

I don't know how to say the things I want to say right now.

I just need a pick me up,

and I'll be back.

We're Gonna Stay Eighteen Forever

I'm really tired and don't feel like making a post here, but I feel like I should. So, I'm going to make it quick I guess.

First of all, I need to papier mache. I need to be finished papier macheing completely by Friday. Tomorrow is Thursday. Tomorrow I will start papier macheing. Ahhh hardcore procrastination is extremely difficult to overcome. Quitting smoking is easier...

Anyway. Today I'm legal.

Lots of people told me happy birthday.

You know, it doesn't feel weird being 18. It felt weird turning 17, but not 18. I don't know why. I guess I didn't anticipate 17 at all. But I've been anticipated 18 for a long time.

Today is also Deuce's birthday! Ugh, that makes me feel so cool. So cool by association. Haha. Dr.Suess too of course. Dr.Suess. Dr.Deuss. Dr.Duece. Deuce.

Uhh... God, I'm so tired I can't remember what all I was going to say here. I guess I'll try again tomorrow.

So, come on

Come on, come on...
And I've been thinning my blood just to get some sleep...

I just freaked out and said, "oh, my GOD" so many times. Haha. Seriously though. I was just sitting here and I happened to notice a bruise on the back of my leg, like right behind my knee. I knew I bruised easily, but god damn, how did I not notice this before? I've never seen a bruise this dark before. It's almost black and it's really big. I know I didn't hit my leg on anything. Yeah, it's just a bruise... but I have anemia and I've been taking blood thinners excessively every single day for the last couple weeks... and that is exactly where my bruises come from. Out of no where. Because my blood is fucked up and I'm fucking it up worse.

Ha, anyway. I'm delirious. I'll have to tell the story tomorrow. (or later today since it's 1am). Going to bed now. Another day longer than the last awaits.