Alcoholism

Here's where I'm at right now.

I've got one foot out the door with my job. I've updated my resume and saved a bunch of job listings but can't seem to bite the bullet and apply (I applied to only one).

I feel like they need me.... Not the company (fuck 'em!), But my coworkers... Maybe they don't tho.

My relationship fluctuates. It gets rocky and then it's good again. That's normal. He seems to think things are "better" when I don't though.

I've received a sort of heartfelt "choose me or him" from David. I mean, romantically, I choose Lane. I'm still pretty into him, despite the things that upset me. And I know he isn't trying to make me choose, but he just needed me to know how he feels.

I've hung out with him a couple times lately... At concerts. The things I wish he'd have done when we were together. I still respect David immensely. I want his opinion on things. But I just can't uproot what I have. And I hate that he can't move on from the feelings, but I completely get it.

So my body hurts and my mind is haunted. I cope by drinking a lot of alcohol. I drink almost everyday. I take Benadryl to put me to sleep since I can't always do it on my own.

It's just one of those days.