You are worth this. You deserve this.

This is not my secret, but it's one I share with someone out there.

There's a dichotamy to heartbreaking. It's empowering. It keeps you from getting hurt and gives you control. It protects you. At what cost though?

That only lasts so long. Because on the other end of the spectrum, it's painful. It's the worst feeling knowing you've made someone feel that way. I'd think they could handle it because I can handle it if it happens to me. But what if they can't? I'd rather take the brunt of the blow.

And so, I can't do it over and over again. I have to step back. I have to let whatever it is play out before I have to end it because I need to recharge before doing it again. I'm so tired of getting involved just to ruin somebody else. It's never the intention but it's always inevitable.

I'm just not ready to do it again right now. I've got too many LOOSE ENDS that I need to CUT TIES with.

I've got too many loose ends that I need to cut ties with.
I've got too many loose ends that I need to cut ties with.
I've got too many loose ends that I need to cut ties with.
Fuck.

- - - - -

I NEED to do something, but I feel all I can do right now is write.

I just keep thinking how much I deserve this.

You know in every bad relationship (romantic or not), I've convinced myself that I deserved the treatment (or mistreatment) I was given. But I eventually talked myself up and decided I didn't deserve it or need it in my life. This time is different because it was a long time coming (and not a bad relationship). And I fucking knew something like this would happen! Go back and read on this blog. I knew my lies would catch up to me. I knew I'd be paying for all this stupid shit eventually. I'm not finished paying for it either. Refer back to the loose ends...

I'm moving back to Dickson Friday. I could have moved back sooner but I elected not to. For what? I'm spending everyday until then alone. Dickson will be good for me. I don't know anyone there. I'll spend time with my dog and stay out of trouble. I just need to lie low for awhile.

Now if you excuse me, I'm going to sleep for another 14 hours.