100 Degrees

Too much love I gave away. Now I wonder what I'll do that day sparks fly high and change the way I wanna be.

I'm going to be honest and direct for once.

I mean, I'm always honest here, but I'm usually vague about it. The person I need to end it with is Jack, and that's what I've been referring to on this blog lately. I kept what I had with Jack for so long because it was... convenient? It was easy. It was easier to keep the status quo than to change things. I mean, he's good at what he does, you know what I mean? But the emotional attachment was never there for me. And if it was, it was weak, and I could never invest. And towards the end of this, I began to feel pressure. We never explicitly stated we were dating/together/what-have-you, but it started to feel like that's the way he saw it. Or sees it still... And that's exactly the thing that drives me away in most cases. That is a small part of why I need to do this.

But I've got a better reason.

Because I've met someone who I genuinely really like. Like a lot. Like, a lot a lot. And because I feel so strongly about this person, I feel I've got to try. It's important to persue this because it doesn't happen often, especially with me. I'm not going to "meh" this. I'm not going to shrug it off... unless this person decides that he wants nothing to do with me; in which case, I'll just have to let it go.

And it's hard to tell sometimes. I'm so fucking insecure, and I really don't know why anymore. I can never tell if someone truly likes me despite glaring evidence. I'm so much quicker to accept disapproval than adoration towards me.

I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By a hand that's touched me

I just want to make things right. It's all I think about.

For once, someone else's ghost has crawled inside my head.