I guess Lane still loves me. He came over the other day to collect some things he left behind. He showed up with his hair all done up (if you know him, you know) and wearing cologne. He wanted to get food together. Offered to buy. I declined, of course.  I just have been trying to move on. I'm not sure if it's working. I still feel a lot of feelings but the most prevalent one is hurt.

Now I'm a little drunk:

I hid this blog because I was worried Javier might find it. I don't think he did. He told me he was going to research me? I realized this place isn't hard to find when you figure out my old screen name for stuff, but men are bad at digging, so I think I'm safe.  

To be straight, I believe Lane is my soul mate. I can see myself with him forever, granted we figure out how to overcome our issues, which, to me, have always been fixable. Some things,  like his mommy issues, would require professional help though. And I'm not perfect; I still need to learn how to communicate. I just have never felt like I could find someone I can connect with on the same level as I did with him. It's possible I could if I could find someone else that I can stand being with for 5 years... but who knows. 

I have my qualms about Javier. He just seems so insecure about certain things, and I still get the vibe that he can be controlling. I am riddled with anxiety that maybe I'm leading him on. He is the opposite (not physically cuz he's HOT, but personality-wise) of what I would ever go for, but my thinking was since no one else ever worked out, then maybe I should give this a shot. But I'm already starting to see signs that I won't be happy with in the long run.  

All that to say,  I am starting to feel pretty depressed. I wish I hadn't dragged anyone else into my life and just focused on me for a bit longer.  But here we are.