I feel like maybe it's slipping.

Maybe I want something else in life.

Is this really the best it can get?

Jesus Christ I'm so blue all the time

I've felt weird all day. Like in a daze.

I am alone for the weekend. And I'm trying not to get sad.

I emailed David last night to respond to his last ditch effort to work things out. I told him the timing is wrong. Not right now.

I've been thinking about it all day.

I've been in my feels.

I had a dream last night that I was living in a house with someone. I kept discovering new rooms and that the house was much bigger than I thought. There was a weird graphic moment where I slept with a person I found living in the house... It was someone whom I haven't seen since college. Idk if any of that is relevant to how I've been feeling...

I want to go out and be social. I want to go out and drink! But I don't know who I would do that with. I have no friends and it always brings me down. I no longer know what to do with myself when I'm alone. Sometimes I drink at home. But then what? Just sleep? I suppose.

Alcoholism

Here's where I'm at right now.

I've got one foot out the door with my job. I've updated my resume and saved a bunch of job listings but can't seem to bite the bullet and apply (I applied to only one).

I feel like they need me.... Not the company (fuck 'em!), But my coworkers... Maybe they don't tho.

My relationship fluctuates. It gets rocky and then it's good again. That's normal. He seems to think things are "better" when I don't though.

I've received a sort of heartfelt "choose me or him" from David. I mean, romantically, I choose Lane. I'm still pretty into him, despite the things that upset me. And I know he isn't trying to make me choose, but he just needed me to know how he feels.

I've hung out with him a couple times lately... At concerts. The things I wish he'd have done when we were together. I still respect David immensely. I want his opinion on things. But I just can't uproot what I have. And I hate that he can't move on from the feelings, but I completely get it.

So my body hurts and my mind is haunted. I cope by drinking a lot of alcohol. I drink almost everyday. I take Benadryl to put me to sleep since I can't always do it on my own.

It's just one of those days.

Circle

My car has been undrivable for weeks (again). I'm in a dead end job that I dread going to and don't get paid enough. I've purposely distanced myself from boyfriend who is unaware but feels things have been "better" lately which makes me feel like total shit. My recent ex, who had always seemed like a voice of reason, has been popping up lately (because I contact him... Sometimes for logic... Sometimes for just conversation because I'm a sad, lonely loser) and making me question things.

I guess it's getting bad again. It's a cycle and it was bound to come back around.

Excuse me while I burst into flames

I made a mistake by dating David. I made a mistake by having a physical and romantic relationship with him. Not because I regret it (I don't regret it)... But because I miss the friendship more.

Well, I was always able to separate my emotions from my friendships. Like genuine friendships. If there was romantic interest but maintaining the status quo of platonic friendship seemed more logical, I've always been good at not giving into my feels.

I know I say it a lot, and it may be hard to see when I'm living up an SO's butt, but I value friendship so much more than romance or being physical.

It's why I sorta try to maintain friendship with most my exes. But I can always see that they struggle with it. They can't separate their emotions. I don't blame them... I'm usually the one that hurts them by leaving and then my selfish ass tries to waltz back in to their lives but only at arm's length.

And I find myself often wanting to talk to David because I always liked his insight and logic. But what little I talk to him usually results with him holding back for to ~feels~. And that is why I miss what we had before we dated. The feels were there back then, but I suppressed them and it was fine. For me, anyway. Perhaps he was never fine and felt friendzoned. I don't know.

By dating him, I raised him to my unrealistic level of expectations. And he, like everyone else, did not meet them. And it made me unhappy, so I left. As usual. As always. That's how my story cycles again and again and again.

So now we're stuck history. Complications. But I'm not the one with the feels. Not those kind of feels. I don't have the heart to tell him that I'm not physically pining for him. Maybe not emotionally either. I don't want what we had when we dated. I want what we had before that. I really miss what I perceived as a good, honest friendship. I'm not naive enough to think he wasn't ready to get with me at any moment in those days. But he didn't treat me like prey.

I just miss friendship. I miss connection. I miss having someone to talk to. Someone to vent to. I miss not getting upset when my boyfriend wasn't giving me attention because he's all I've got. I miss not feeling so lonely and sad all the time.