Creatures of Habit

I was in a bad mood last night. I had fought with Max and was just frustrated. I still stand by what I said though, just imagine me saying it less angrily.

Of course, Jack wants to "hang out" tomorrow night and of course I agreed to it. I've been wondering though... I originally wanted to see where this was going, but now I don't know if I want it to go anywhere at all. I'm thinking I need something new in my life. Something more exciting. I don't feel like Jack and I are all that compatible. It's mostly physical attraction if not completely. It doesn't help that we're both in a state where we're not ready to be close to someone else. We are both recently out of long term relationships. At least, that's where I am at. I can't speak for him, but I can only assume it's the same.

I'm just starting to wonder if I want to end this. I don't know. Maybe I'm getting bored with it. It's just that nothing interesting is coming out of it. We are creatures of habit, but I often get tired of the same routine. If something exciting doesn't happen soon, I'll search out excitement elsewhere.

At the same time, I don't want this to go anywhere because I don't want to be in a relationship. So, I don't know what I really want to happen...

- - - -

So, I have been alone in my room ALL day. Now I feel like going out and getting drunk, but the only person I could really do that with right now (as my only other options are out of town or don't even live in town) is Max. And I know he'd be up for hanging out and probably drinking, but I also know that it would be a bad idea. He tends to take advantage of me when I'm drunk. Hell, he used to take advantage a lot when I was sober and we were together. He doesn't usually take "no" for an answer. This isn't something I really want to go into detail about. He has never forced himself on me, but he generally KEEPS TRYING after I say no until I would give in. Last time he tried was the last time I got drunk and stayed at his apartment - something I shouldn't do if we're not together. The next morning he kept trying to initiate sex. I didn't want it. I told him out loud that I didn't want to. I physically blocked him. He kept trying and then he started LAUGHING at my struggling. That's when I got absolutely irate (not that I wasn't already pissed). It doesn't really seem like something that he would do, but it is. I can't really talk to anyone about it because I don't want that to be on the back of their mind every time they see him. I don't know. This went way off on a tangent... I think I'll just stay in tonight.

I should have known

I don't want this to affect me as much as it is.

I went to see Bill play tonight at a coffee shop. I was with Max. Matt and Jack showed up because I told them about it. I honestly didn't expect them to show up. They only stayed for one song and left. I sent Jack a message on Facebook saying thanks for stopping in. He said they "would have stayed but... [max]." I told him I should have said something and he responded, "I should have known." And now he's ignoring me.

So, I'm just going to say this. Jack and I are not dating, we're not a couple, and we're not together. We don't do anything remotely like that and we don't even hang out for the sake of hanging out unless he is at my house waiting for my roommates to come home. The only thing we do together is have sex, and, in my mind, that is all I am good for to him. I won't invest in a person like that.

He doesn't understand, and I don't know if it would be worth it for him to anyway. I could be so much worse.

- - - - - -

I think several other people I talk to are also getting tired of me. I'm only here for another year. Maybe in that time I can make everyone hate me and then move out of state. I think the only way this "having it all" thing can end is with that aforementioned "all" hating me.

Just Another One

Things make more sense every day.

Max came over today for a minute. He left his phone, so of course I went through it. Here's a conversation from LAST night:
Max said he was looking to score (some weed)
Dude messaged last night "I'm mostly free this evening"
Max responded "I am hanging with my girl but if i can sneak away I can hit u up."
And when I decided I wanted to go home, he messaged dude back, "Hell yeah it looks like tonight is going to work out"

I was over at his place last night. He was very supportive of me wanting to go home, and now I know why.

See, when I broke up with him. He said he was going to change for the better to win me back. Or something like that. I like him less and less every time I'm around him... He just stresses me out. And I have been looking out to see if he is being better. He's not. Is anyone surprised...?

I am getting attached to Jack. Only a little. It just seems like he already has gotten attached or is starting to get attached to me. I'm still staying skeptical. Obviously commitment terrifies me right now and I won't be ready for anything like that for months, but I feel like I really am the only girl he's seeing. I have all these opportunities to be with other guys, but I don't. I want to see where this thing with Jack and I are going. And if it turns out I'm "just another one" then I can do the same to him. I would be okay with that because that's what I've prepared myself for since the beginning.

Nate knows about Jack and I's situation. It's funny that he is the only one who knows. I feel like because of that, Nate has this different view of me. Like I'm easy or something. He keeps trying to hook up with me despite having a girlfriend. Also, this has opened my eyes to how he is. I BET he acted like this to other girls when he was in a relationship with me. I'm not mad or bitter about it though. I'm very much over that stage of my life. It's just interesting to learn more about people you thought you already knew...

I still have more to talk about it, but I have way too much work to do...

I came in through the back door

Tonight was a pretty good night.

Back up a bit: School is going well. I made a calendar that got lots of praise (I'm not used to making something "good" for once). So, I'm happy about that. I'm pretty proud of it, but I'm going to fix some things about it and then re-do it anyway.

Today after class I met up with Max on campus to watch Stephen Wade perform. And my cousin Bill was there and it was great! I always enjoy seeing Bill.

Afterward, Max and I went to Jimmy John's. On the way to take me home, we got into an argument. Basically, I was telling a story and I said, "I was doing homework." And he scoffed with "Yeah, right!" And he was so derogatory about it. It was just uncalled for. So an argument ensued. When we got to my house, the argument was not settled. I said I couldn't remember the story and that it was unimportant anyway and I got out of the car and went inside. I could tell he was very heated, but he drove away (eventually). I was upset, but...

I had plans to "hang out" with Jack. So I took some headache medicine and lay down for awhile. Then when Jack got here, we went to his place. We had a good time, as usual. I have a lot of introspective things to say about that, but I'm going to save it for my next post because I'm too tired to dig into that right now.

We then went to Pita Pit to see Cage and we hung out there for awhile. Jack dropped me back off at my house. I came in through the back door, so my roommates probably don't even know I'm home.

One Self-Indulgent Tirade

I should be sleeping but I wanna talk about things.

Somehow I've managed to get what I wanted in my personal life. I have managed to keep it all because I wanted it all. I didn't want to give anything up, and so far I haven't had to... I don't know how I managed this, and I don't know how long it's going to last. My personal life is going great right now. It's a very selfish kind of great, but I think it was high time I did something for myself.

Now I am owed this: one self-indulgent tirade.

I have kept Max in my life. And it's much more stress-free this way. We are not together, though I'm sure he STILL sees it that way. We hang out often and we do things for each other still. So all the benefits are still there. I just don't have to be mad all the time now. I just tell myself, "Well, we're not together, so it's none of my business anymore." And that makes me feel better. I care less about the things I can't control.

I have incorporated Jack into my life very personally. Yes, that is who I've been talking about in my last couple posts if it wasn't obvious. I think Jack is a good distraction from all the things that I used to be angry about all the time.

So, I wasn't sure how to gauge the situation at first. I thought maybe it was a hit and quit it thing for him. But now it's a FWB kind of thing. I thought I wasn't the only one, but he brought a pack of condoms to my house and left the whole pack here saying he wouldn't be using/needing them anywhere else. To which I responded, "Really?" which may have offended him slightly. I just thought he was probably sleeping around with different women because he can clearly easily do that. He is quite the hot commodity. If it is true that I'm the only girl he's sleeping with, it makes me feel a bit weird. I don't know if I am the only one though. I don't know
when he would be around anyone else though since when he's not at work with my roommates, he's always at my house.

I'm still being cautious though. I still don't really know what his intentions are if they're anything more than this. It's still so weird not to talk about these things and be direct about it. I'm so used to that. We kind of just do everything non-verbally. The only things we talk about are completely harmless and innocent conversational things like movies, which is fine.

I wonder if he has told anyone. They know we "hang out" alone. I just feel like they've got to know. But, like, one day, it was just me and him and one other roommate. He and I disappeared to my room for a couple hours. And he was like, "I think [roommate] knows... we kinda just disappeared." But, like, he always makes excuses to them when we disappear. "We went to my place, watched a movie..." etc. The reason I'm addressing this is because it was one of my concerns in the beginning. I know he talked to my roommates about other times with other girls, but, hopefully, since these people know me on a much more personal level, he'll respect that.

Maybe I'm just overthinking everything.

I'm enjoying it though. That's all that matters, right?

I've calculated the last 12 days. Roughly once every 3 days isn't bad for sneaking around, huh? Maybe this entire post is too personal to even put on this already very personal blog.

Want to know something even more personal? I was extremely relieved when I got my period today. I am a careful person, but I still worry.

In less juicy news, school is stressful as hell, but it's going alright so far.