One Self-Indulgent Tirade

I should be sleeping but I wanna talk about things.

Somehow I've managed to get what I wanted in my personal life. I have managed to keep it all because I wanted it all. I didn't want to give anything up, and so far I haven't had to... I don't know how I managed this, and I don't know how long it's going to last. My personal life is going great right now. It's a very selfish kind of great, but I think it was high time I did something for myself.

Now I am owed this: one self-indulgent tirade.

I have kept Max in my life. And it's much more stress-free this way. We are not together, though I'm sure he STILL sees it that way. We hang out often and we do things for each other still. So all the benefits are still there. I just don't have to be mad all the time now. I just tell myself, "Well, we're not together, so it's none of my business anymore." And that makes me feel better. I care less about the things I can't control.

I have incorporated Jack into my life very personally. Yes, that is who I've been talking about in my last couple posts if it wasn't obvious. I think Jack is a good distraction from all the things that I used to be angry about all the time.

So, I wasn't sure how to gauge the situation at first. I thought maybe it was a hit and quit it thing for him. But now it's a FWB kind of thing. I thought I wasn't the only one, but he brought a pack of condoms to my house and left the whole pack here saying he wouldn't be using/needing them anywhere else. To which I responded, "Really?" which may have offended him slightly. I just thought he was probably sleeping around with different women because he can clearly easily do that. He is quite the hot commodity. If it is true that I'm the only girl he's sleeping with, it makes me feel a bit weird. I don't know if I am the only one though. I don't know
when he would be around anyone else though since when he's not at work with my roommates, he's always at my house.

I'm still being cautious though. I still don't really know what his intentions are if they're anything more than this. It's still so weird not to talk about these things and be direct about it. I'm so used to that. We kind of just do everything non-verbally. The only things we talk about are completely harmless and innocent conversational things like movies, which is fine.

I wonder if he has told anyone. They know we "hang out" alone. I just feel like they've got to know. But, like, one day, it was just me and him and one other roommate. He and I disappeared to my room for a couple hours. And he was like, "I think [roommate] knows... we kinda just disappeared." But, like, he always makes excuses to them when we disappear. "We went to my place, watched a movie..." etc. The reason I'm addressing this is because it was one of my concerns in the beginning. I know he talked to my roommates about other times with other girls, but, hopefully, since these people know me on a much more personal level, he'll respect that.

Maybe I'm just overthinking everything.

I'm enjoying it though. That's all that matters, right?

I've calculated the last 12 days. Roughly once every 3 days isn't bad for sneaking around, huh? Maybe this entire post is too personal to even put on this already very personal blog.

Want to know something even more personal? I was extremely relieved when I got my period today. I am a careful person, but I still worry.

In less juicy news, school is stressful as hell, but it's going alright so far.