All the same shit

I'm trying to keep it together.

Big changes always bring about big emotions. The bad ones.

I'm stressed and I'm realizing that nothing is new... It's pretty much about the same...

I need to stress how stressed I am. But I know I'm keeping it together on the outside. The inside feels like a ticking timebomb. Like a balloon being blown up.

And I keep having stray thoughts... And I don't think I've ever done that before. And I can't stop thinking of past people and trying to redeem them in my mind. If I knew why I was doing this, I'd tell you. I'm lost.

I've been trying to get away from certain things... Pretty much my whole life. But it's so fucking constant.

So here I am with the same woes that always come back to me, and it's making me more depressed than usual. I guess it's because I thought this time would be different... But instead it's like little bits of everything all rolled into one.

I desperately feel the need to talk about this but I don't know *how* to... As indicated by my vagueness.

And it's not really that I don't know what to say or how to say... It's that I don't know who could see it.

So the sober update: I am depressed.