It's Alright With Me

I used to say I hated no one, for hate is a waste of energy.

Now the list of people I hate goes as follows:

1. Jonah
2. Kate
3. People who don't signal while driving

I used to say I had no regrets, for I was young and had made no life-changing irreversible mistakes yet.

I'm still young, but now the list of regrets I have is too long for me to bother writing out.

I stayed the night with Aaron. I often wake up in the middle of the night or morning lying next to him and can't fall back to sleep. I usually shamefully overthink in these quiet moments. I think about all my regrets. So far he's not one, but I think of all the things that led me to that moment, lying in a small bed with a person about which I feel I still know so little. Trying so hard to not doubt the nice things he tells me... failing, but playing along anyway.

I realized, with Jonah at the top of my list, I forgive everyone else in my life for everything. They aren't bad people.

I forgive P. because I feel he just doesn't know what he wants yet.

I forgive N. because he was always nice to me... to my face anyway.

I forgive Max because although I have made it a point to cut him off now, he more than made up for the bad memories he gave me.

I forgive Jack because although he never really made me happy, he helped me move on from some hard times.

I forgive Eric even if he still drunkenly messages me in the middle of the night; I know he has a good heart.

I forgive Sam, who was the most helpful of this list, which made his leaving hurt a whole lot. I still greatly truly appreciate what he did for me and being there for me in my absolute darkest time.


Life is OK, ya know?

I'm more or less happy now. I catch myself wondering lately what else could be out there. But I'm content for the time being with what I've got, and I'm accepting the pace at which my life is moving right now.