Wouldn't it be nice if you could stay in love with me?
The other night I was in a bad mood. And by the other night I mean I'm in a constant bad mood lately. But the other night specifically, Jonah asked me what was wrong when we went to bed. I didn't want to tell him, but as always, he pulled it out of me. I told him how I've been feeling lately. The same kind of things I've been saying on this blog. Told him I'm not happy that he's leaving and that I feel unimportant. He continues to make me feel shittier by supporting my belief. Just goes to prove that, once again, I am right.
He has literally told me that his church is more important. Okay. I get that. Most people with some sort of belief system claims it is the most important thing to them. Maybe I'd accept it more if it weren't a fucking cult.
The other night I didn't say anything about the girl. But that may be my biggest problem.
He told me he was worried about his decision and didn't want to make the wrong decision. He cried a little. I cried a little. Somehow it all felt insincere.
So I got home from work yesterday, after that nightly talk, and he wants me to sit by him... as he researches apartments to live in in Texas and tells me all about them. That's just adding insult to injury. It put me in a bad mood. Then he went in the other room and played video games with his buddy in Texas (through team chat, of course). But I had to hear him talk about The Girl and the church, and I couldn't tune it out. I was absolutely miserable and had to leave.
So, I took my dog out like I was just taking him for a walk, but I got in my car and drove around for an hour. Jonah didn't know I was missing until half an hour later. He texted me and tried calling me a few times. I ignored it. I got a milkshake thinking it would make me feel better. I ordered an oreo shake... they gave me chocolate. It had oreos in it, but it was chocolate. I don't like chocolate, so that was a waste of money. I drove around and listened to music with Bear in the car with me. When I finally decided to go home, I couldn't find my wallet. I somehow lost it in the car. I looked for awhile but said "fuck it" and went inside. The last text Jonah sent was "This isn't cool" and he was pissed at me when I got home.
I went to the bedroom and got in bed. He came in there yelling at me for how I've been acting and I said "Sorry this is all about you." And then he wanted me to tell him what was going on with me. I don't know what to say that I haven't already said. After he forced it out of me, I even told him about the issue I have with the girl. I told him how I KNOW my opinions don't matter, especially when it comes to her, because nothing is going to change. He said that he had a talk with her about that. I said, "Show me. Show me the conversation." He replied, "I can't because it's deleted." I said, "That's what I thought." And then I couldn't look at him. It's just infuriating. He openly admitted to hiding things. When I said something along the lines of "Because you have something to hide." He was silent. He had no rebuttal. Not even a lie.
I called him out on all his lies last night AS he was telling them. He made the point, "If I can forgive and be friends with an ex who was shitty to me, I can be friends with you, who I love the most" or some dumb bullshit like that. I told him, "I never appreciated you talking to you ex." And he said, as he has said before, "It was just the one time." I immediately snapped, "No, it wasn't." And he met that one with silence too.
I started crying eventually and couldn't stop. He wanted me to eat, but I couldn't. We compromised by me joining him in the living room while he ate. I cried on the couch the whole time until I fell asleep. I didn't know I fell asleep until he woke me up to go to bed.
I woke up this morning bright and early. 7am on a day off. Fuckin' A. But I woke up not feeling ANY better at all. I've been lying in bed all morning and thinking.
I think I need to leave. I'm just going to be miserable here. Right now, I feel like the best thing for me is to pack my shit and go somewhere else because I see no point in staying. I see no point in continuing this relationship if it has a deadline. I see no point in meeting that deadline if it's going to be miserable the whole way there. I see no point in putting in ANY effort if NOTHING is going to change.
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