We need to talk

I wish I had written this sooner so it was more fresh on my memory.

The other day I came home from work, and Jonah was ignoring me. When I walked into the bedroom he said, "We need to talk." I asked what it was about, and it was about everything that has been going on lately. He asked what was going on with me. I wasn't prepared for this conversation, but I think I got most of it out. I told him that I've been depressed lately because I feel disrespected and I don't like that he's always talking to these girls. We really only discussed the one girl. I told him I don't like how much he talks to her and I don't like that they send pictures back and forth. He said they have been friends for 5 years and that this caused problems in his last relationship. All I could think was that if it caused problems in the last one, how could he expect it to be okay in this one? I don't feel good after the conversation because I know he doesn't see it my way. I know his mind has not changed at all. I know he will never see this girl in the light that me, and his last girlfriend apparently, see her in. I told him, "For someone who claims to be so territorial, this is all very hypocritical." I asked him how he would feel if *I* were sending photos to some dude. For that point only he saw it my way. By the end of the conversation he resolved to quit sending her photos. That's it. That's the compromise on his part.

He asked my why I hadn't said anything about what has been bothering me. I told him if I complain about it, nothing will change and that he'll just find better ways to hide it. He was offended, but now that time has passed, was I wrong? Just because I haven't seen him talking to her as much, doesn't prove that he's not doing it. I know he would absolutely never quit talking to her.

During our little talk, he offered to let me read the messages on his phone right in front of him. He doesn't know that I had snooped in the past, but I actually haven't done it since he got his new phone. I've been way too depressed and knew anything I found out would make it worse, and I couldn't handle for it to get worse. I just couldn't. So I told him that I didn't want to see his phone and at this point he has had time to delete anything he needed to. I wish I had told him that I KNEW he had deleted evidence in the past. Because my statement, again, offended him, and he acted like that's something he would never do. I wish I had told him to pull up the conversation with his ex-girlfriend then. I know that one has long been deleted. I read it before he deleted. And I noticed as soon as it was gone.

Not to mention, I'm right again. Last night I was using his phone for Facebook because mine was dead. And I decided to check WhatsApp, you know, since he had given me permission to read his messages. The conversation with the girl was there. In fact, it's the only thing he uses WhatsApp for, and it's his most used app on his phone behind the News app. But guess what wasn't there! The entire conversation with the girl EXCEPT for the messages she had sent him that day. The ones where she wished him a Happy Valentine's Day because according to her it was Valentine's Day in Brazil. How sweet, right?

During our conversation I learned that he had been talking to the girl about our relationship problems. Red flag. I told him that that is disrespectful and that it's no one else's business. His excuse was "Well, who am I supposed to go to? You won't talk to me." You're not supposed to go to the girl who is constantly flirting with you. That is definitely the #1 person NOT to go to. I know he doesn't tell this girl to quit flirting with him. I know he doesn't tell this girl to quit sending him pictures. He claims it's because it's part of her culture (to which I replied, "But it's not YOUR culture."), but I know it's really because he likes it.

He tried to argue against me and say all my friends are dudes and that he doesn't get jealous when I talk to them. I rarely talk to anyone who isn't Jonah or Jonah's brother. And I make sure to let all of my friends know about Jonah and that I am happily in a long-term VERY committed relationship with him. I told Jonah this. All of my male friends are well aware of him, and I don't go to them with my relationship problems. A courtesy that *I* do not get.

In fact, all the friends I even hang out with have met Jonah. I've hung out with them WITH Jonah.

I told Jonah that my phone is unlocked and I don't ever delete messages. And last night I purposely left my Facebook logged in on his phone. I did that as an open invitation to snoop to his heart's content because I know I have nothing to hide and have been completely honest in this relationship. I told him the "I don't delete anything" bit to make him feel guilty for doing it, but he thinks he has been so slick about it and acted completely innocent.

We went to a show the other night, and I got black out drunk as I am wont to do. I know we weren't fighting when we left the show, but after we left, I only have two memories. One memory is of Jonah yelling at me in the car. All I remember it being about is that I was saying "If it caused problems in the last one and this one, it will always cause problems." Concerning the girl. My only other memory is taking the dogs out when we got home.

I later found out that Jonah had slept on the couch that night. He told me he got mad at me in the car because I was saying things like "you don't love me" and "you're going to leave me." I suppose that made him mad because he claims to love me more than anything. Claims to. :/ Maybe it's my fault that I don't feel it.

It was progress, but I don't feel 100% better. He lied to me about things. I didn't have the courage to call him out.

And now we've got this whole Texas thing really looming over our heads. I've told him it seems he's already made up his mind to go. I was feeling better thinking he was actually considering staying because these last few days he has been looking at houses here in Tennessee. He said he would stay if he can buy a house. Unfortunately, he called about a loan today, and his credit score isn't good enough. So... Texas it is. For him, not me.

I'm still on the fence. I really don't want to move to Texas. He has so many reasons to move there. First and foremost, his church. Secondly, his friend from the Army. Another reason is there is a school there he wants to go to. He has already applied. And he would never say it to me, but the girl is definitely a reason for at least the first few months he is there.

I have so many reasons NOT to go. I have no one in Texas. If I went, it would be just to follow him. I've told him this. I don't want to live in his friend's house. I don't want to attend his church. And I REALLY don't want to be in the same state as this girl. It's bad enough that she'll be in the same country... I just can't help but to feel if I packed up my entire life and moved to Texas, I would be miserable. Other than Jonah, there is nothing there for me. And the way things have been lately, I don't want to move to Texas and then end up NOT having Jonah.

He told me one night when we were in bed that he's pretty sure one of two things are going to happen: He's either going to have to go to Texas alone, or I'm going to go to Texas with him and be miserable. Those are his two options because staying in Tennessee apparently just isn't one. And I'm beginning to feel the same way. I don't see me moving to Texas and being happy. I'm already unhappy this far away, and the things that are making me unhappy are in Texas (or will be soon).

Another thing, Jonah is going to church this weekend. The girl will be there. I'm going to be a mess all weekend. I know he wouldn't cheat on me, but it doesn't keep me from feeling anxious and pissed off.

I've been thinking a lot about what's going to happen at the end of August... that's when he is moving. I'm still considering, only a tiny bit, going to Texas. But I'm pretty sure, he'll be going alone. And I'll be left here alone. I can try to make these last couple months worth it. Make the best of it. But then I feel like "what's the point?" when there is a deadline.

For the last few months, I've been torn. I can be the best girlfriend and make him realize he doesn't want to leave me. Or I can let use drift apart so that it's not so painful when we finally do split. I wish I had the foresight to know which to do. I go back and forth. Some days I am loving and affectionate. Others I am distant. My mood changes. I just don't want to put in effort that ends up being for naught. But I also don't want to be a shitty girlfriend...

During our talk, he tried to convince me that jealousy only comes from feelings of guilt from not treating the other person right. He essentially tried to say that I'm probably jealous because I feel like I'm not treating him as well as I could. I never felt this way, so it must be how he feels, which confirms my suspicions all along. Why he has been reaching out to ex-girlfriends and finding comfort in these other girls. If that's the way he feels, then it's not meant to last.