I was half of who I am

I started an in-depth post about what's been going on lately and what's in store for the near future. I haven't finished it yet, so I'll publish it later. Haven't really been alone or had the time to write...

But I have to talk about this.

I've been struggling with myself. I've been down in the dumps lately. Just god awfully depressed. I'm not dealing with things well right now and I don't know why. I wish I could chalk it up to a hormonal imbalance after my procedure (which I will talk about in my next post). But I feel like my worries are completely founded. I feel like there are walls the are crumbling. Fast. It does all feel pretty sudden. It's the worst at night when I go to bed, like right now. I'm on the verge of tears, and if I were alone, I'd let go.

I've been keeping it to myself as usual.

I've been taking it out on Jonah a bit. It's just that I've been noticing problems and not bottling it (every little bit that I bottle only intensifies how I've been feeling). I'll say something when I don't like something. I feel like there is a rift forming between us. There's tension when it comes to certain matters.

I feel inadequate. I always do.

I will never change: I will never ask someone to change. No one should have to change for me. I'm not worth coming into someone's life and interrupting their narrative. They had their own thing going before I came along, so who am I to mess with that?

I feel worse talking about it because I know I shouldn't feel this way, and that makes me feel guilty on top of everything else.

I can't talk about the main issue we've been having.. Not until I can talk about it from a distance. It's too fresh and I feel too worthless. I wish I didn't have this problem. I always get this way in relationships.

I've been fantasizing the conversations/arguments we might have in the near future. I already know what to say to leave, but why I am even thinking about leaving? I'm not considering doing it... I just don't feel good about myself.