January horoscope for Pisces (me):
The January 9 New Moon lights up your social life and your commitment to any clubs or organizations to which you belong. A cause or group may appeal to your sense of public service and you could be inspired to volunteer or join. Regardless, your interest will inspire others. Follow your hunches when the Moon conjoins Neptune on January 13. Use your intuition and have a great day at work. Shine with health and happiness at the Full Moon on January 23. You might even find yourself caring for a new pet, if not a new noble cause. Enjoy that inner golden glow.
It did hit the nail on the head in that I have a puppy now (a massive puppy!). And he just adds to the struggle. Jonah and I went to Texas for new year. We had been looking for a puppy, so we looked while we were in Texas. We found one, and we brought him home to Tennessee. He's a Siberian Husky/American Bulldog. He's only 7 months old. That's the key part. THough he weighs 60+ lbs, he's still a puppy. And this is where a lot of tension comes from between Jonah and I. See, Jonah originally wanted a dog to be friends with his dog. But his dog doesn't particularly like the new puppy, so Jonah doesn't like the new puppy. His dog is spoiled rotten, gets what she wants, and is never told no. I believe a dog needs discipline and structure, but I'm not going to discipline someone else's dog. I understand loving and spoiling your dog. But because of my dog annoys his dog, he doesn't treat them fairly. He's a lot meaner to my dog. My dog has to be disciplined all the time just for doing typical puppy things. I feel like absolute shit when he has to be locked in his kennel just because he's annoying the other dog. I can't handle that Jonah doesn't treat them fairly. Because of this, I'm starting to feel resentment, and I don't know how to bring this up to him. I know if I try to talk to him about it, he'll immediately get defensive because of how strongly he feels about his dog.
Our first real disagreement happened because this. We've been using my car exclusively because his truck is off getting fixed for the month. So we've been taking the dogs in my car. I asked him to help me keep his dog in the backseat because I didn't want her jumping in the front with her muddy paws. I don't want my car getting filthy on the inside. He responded with, "You're gonna have to take that up with her." So I got a little annoyed that he was basically telling me she does what she wants. I offended him by saying something about a well-trained dog will listen and stay where it's told to stay. We left something in the apartment, so he got out to run in and get it, but he took the dog with him. When he came back, he left the dog in the apartment. I told him to go get her and that she was coming with us, but he wouldn't do it. So she didn't come with us. I don't mind her riding in the car. I'm just tired of her jumping in the front seat. I've already gotten my dog to stay in the backseat, even when we leave him in the car for an extended amount of time. It just requires help from all sides...
Jonah and I are looking for a place. Yes, we have moved too fast (way too fast), and getting a place together probably isn't the best idea. But after the way I was acting last year, I think this is best for me... if I can just stop being depressed about things. We're going to live rent-free in a trailer on my dad's property and we're going to remodel it. The problem is that it's on my dad's property, and the dogs are going to be a--there's the word again--struggle. Another thing that pissed me off... when we went to my dad's house to look at the trailer, Jonah's dog was already staring at a chicken. Jonah let her out of the car, intentionally, to chase the chicken. She hurt it. She would have killed it if I didn't yell at him to stop her. This is going to cause unnecessary tension and stress. I told Jonah that if she kills chickens, my brother will shoot her. My brother has had problems with the dogs in the past killing chickens (mostly Jimmy), and he doesn't particularly like dogs to begin with. It just pissed me off that Jonah would intentionally let his dog go and let her almost kill that chicken even though I told him before we got out of the car that the dogs need to stay away from the chickens.
I'm pretty sure this tension and stress from the dogs is what's causing my depression. At night, I'll reluctantly put Bear (my dog) in his kennel when he's annoying Jonah's dog. Then Jonah will sit there and feed his dog table scraps and give her what she wants instead of telling her "no" ever, while my dog cries in the other room. That's always what sets me off. I'll get in a bad mood, and then I can't shake it, and it just gets worse until I go to bed. There are other issues that are making this worse, but this is always where it begins...
Another concern of mine, while I'm at it, is that he has this lady friend. She lives in Brazil and shouldn't be any kind of threat. I shouldn't be jealous. But he texts her all the time and then hides it from me, and that's something else that makes me feel terrible about myself. He told me awhile back that, before I came along, he had plans to fly her to America and let her live with him for six months. But I guess I ruined that perfect plan. I have no idea what she looks like, but I'm sure he's attracted to her.I've never been jealous in a relationship before... but as usual, I respond to jealousy with self-loathing. I only ever go creeping when I feel suspicious... I held out as long as I could, but one day I looked at his phone, and all the messages he had with her had been deleted. If he had nothing to hide... he wouldn't hide it.
I just don't know how to feel, I guess. I've been nothing but honest in this relationship. He knows how to unlock my phone, I don't delete texts, and I literally live with him. I sleep in the same bed as him every single night. I haven't hung out with anyone (except Michelle) else in months. I'm just trying to be honest. It's not that hard for me, but with how stupid I was being the last year, I'm doing it for myself and for his trust. I'm just starting to have my doubts in all of this... it's a shitty feeling when the honeymoon phase ends. For me, it has ended hard and fast.
I still look at him and think "He's so cute," and we still make each other laugh. I know I've only been feeling this way for a few days, and I also know I can keep feeling this way for months. I can do this for longer than is healthy. I can reach the point to where I realize it's not healthy and still keep doing it. I don't leave at the first sign of a struggle or at the first red flag... but if how I'm feeling stays this intensely bad, I'm going to have to do something about it.
Anyway, working my way backwards... Jonah and I went to Texas for New Year. We drove there in my car. My car gets pretty good mileage. We were so impressed that we got there on two tanks of gas - $40 total. We stayed in Austin our first night. We checked out 6th Street, which is Austin's downtown touristy area. I talk a lot of shit about Texas, but the southern hospitality was excellent! The first restaurant we went to wasn't what we were expecting, so we only ordered an appetizer. We asked our server where we should go next, and she suggested a couple places. But then the manager came out and said, "Heard y'all were looking for something to do?" And he gave us a packet of information that he had compiled himself and printed out, and told us which places on the list he recommended. He suggested some cool places. There are a few speakeasies on the street that have a secret entrance or a password to get into, and he specifically wanted us to check those out.
On actual New Years Eve, Jonah's friend and friend's girlfriend hung out with us. We spent the night on 6th Street again. Didn't get too drunk. After midnight, it was cold as fuck, and we waited two hours trying to get a taxi but ultimately got an Uber that came and got us within 15 minutes. This is why taxies are losing business to Uber. Because fuck 'em.
On New Years Day, we picked up Bear and drove to Dallas. On the 2nd, Jonah went to church. Early on the 3rd (but later than planned), we hightailed back to Tennessee.
I only got to spend two days with Caleb while he was home since I was in Texas the rest of the time. So I spent the next two days with him, albeit doing nothing. Then on the 6th, I had a medical procedure that no one knows about except Jonah and Caleb. I had to lie to my mom and say I went to the Health Department for a respiratory infection or something. I did have a cold at the time, so it was completely believable. She can't know the truth because she doesn't need to worry. No one else needs to know because it's none of their business. I only told the people who needed to know. Jonah needed to know because he took me to my appointments (I couldn't drive home after the procedure... I was super high from all the painkillers they gave me). The procedure itself was my new 10 on the pain scale. It was the most painful thing I've ever had to do. I originally opted out of sedation, but I ultimately chose it in the end... I'm glad I did because I can't even imagine how it would have felt otherwise.
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So that's that. Those are my problems, and of course I'll keep posted of where I'm going from here.
I'm struggling emotionally pretty badly right now. Jonah and I are struggling financially. We're both looking for jobs, and we're about to move. I'm hoping one month from today that every single problem I have talked about in this post has been solved and life is moving forward and looking up.... We'll see.
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