I feel like I shouldn't be posting this because of its personal nature, but I need to talk about it.
I wish you'd let me see you so I could explain myself in person. Things seem to get lost in Translation VIA messenger. I know you have a lot happening in your life right now, and the last thing you need is one more thing to deal with. I'm not trying to be the main focus in your life. I want to help you accomplish your goals (drivers license, getting a job and finding a place to live) You didn't seem to have the best relationship with [Max] and that probably soured you on committing or getting involved with someone else. (no one could blame you for that) I'm not a controlling, selfish or jealous guy. I wouldn't try to stop you from living your life the way you want. I wouldn't expect you to want to spend all of your time with me. Just like I wouldn't want to spend all of my time with you. (personal space is important) When we started this thing, we agreed that neither of us wanted a relationship. The deal was, we were friends that occasionally slept together. That was perfect for the first ten months. The more time I spent with you, the more I found myself caring about you and wanting to be sweet to you. I like you as my friend and you're the best lover I've ever had. I felt a genuine connection with you on that level. The only change I'm trying to make to the nature of our relationship is that I get to do nice things for you. I want to take you out for nice dinners, take you to petting zoo's ( because I know you'd love it) I want to hold your hand when we walk together, give you kisses and tell you how pretty you are.
I tried to end it by making it all my fault. If I'm going to be the bad guy, I'm going to be the fucking bad guy 100%. Because that's how I do things. If I'm going to commit to something, I'm all in. On the one hand, I'm not surprised he is acting like this because everyone does this to me. On the other hand, I really thought he would have a "fuck it" mentality about it. He always seemed like the kind of guy who didn't care. And I guess he doesn't know this (because how would he?) but I'm the kind of person who has already moved on well before ending things, so no amount of his pleading is going to convince me to come back to him.
He didn't make me feel good about myself and I kept coming back because I felt like I deserved it. I was numb to it mostly, but towards the end it really started to bother me. I really don't want to explain this in too much detail, but mostly he was belittling. And I think he thought it was all in good fun or that I wouldn't take it to heart because I never reacted to it. I know not to react to things like that because it makes me vulnerable, and I wasn't going to let him, of all people, see me be vulnerable.
I'll keep coming back. You don't make me better, but you don't make me worse. Numb's no good but it sure beats the hurt.
I'm not trying to sound like a "victim." Because fuck that - I will never be a victim. It's just something I always kept inside of me and now that it's over, I can finally say it.
However, I still feel shitty for ignoring his messages and not replying, especially ones that he put so much effort into like this one, because I know how bad that makes someone feel. I can honestly say I know exactly how he is feeling right now. Still, I just don't know what to say to him. I don't have it in me to be downright mean to him, so I just don't say anything...
I'm just ready to move on for good. I'm ready to have something meaningful, and that means getting rid of all the meaningless relations I've had. It's strange dealing with all of this mostly on my own. I mean, I dealt with relationships on my own without telling many people, so I can deal with getting rid of them just the same. It's just that it's all at once and imperative right now, so it's been weighing me down.
These are real people and I'm trying to tread lightly.
It's worth it though. If I'm not delusional: it's worth it.
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