It has been a stressful week and so many things went wrong. I couldn't get all of my pieces printed in time. I fucked up cutting and gluing everything when I was mounting it all. Xacto knives and stick glue are almost as big a bane of my existence as printers. I hate them all. It makes me constantly question this life choice as well as the stupid god damn always-fucking-up Adobe programs... but I digress. At least, on set up day, the weather was absolutely wonderful. It was 70 degrees and clear skies. Nice spring day for the first week of December. And I never drink anything other than water, but on that day, I decided to buy gatorade. I did it to try and help prevent a migraine that I just KNEW was a very strong possibility as I only slept maybe 3 hours the last two nights and didn't eat anything all day. I had a test that day too that I just did not study for because I didn't have the time to in the midst of all the portfolio revisions. So, I did pretty shittily on the test. And the gatorade I bought spilled all in the bottom of my bag, making the binder of my process work (that was going in my review) sticky... And then for the sake of the limited space I had, I just slapped all my work on the wall, not arranging it nicely or anything, just to get it to all fit. A lot of other people had hung up black fabric on the wall and had black tablecloths for nice backdrops for their work. Not me. My space looked like I didn't give two shits.
I did hang out with Evan that day though! He helped me hang all of my stuff up. He encouraged me to do my best too. I had a small book that I was putting in the review, but it wasn't bound. Evan was like, "Aw, c'mon. You can't have an unbound book..." So I walked all the way home AT NIGHT BY MYSELF (about half a mile away), bound the book, walked back, and then walked all the way home again. I hate walking anywhere alone at night, but, shit, it needed to be done. Evan offered to give me a ride if I needed one after he was finished with band practice (which is where he went after helping me set up), but I decided to be a big girl and be independent... as dangerous as that is in this shitty world. Evan is a great friend though, and I'm glad he helped me out.
Anyway, I managed to last-minute print the things I couldn't before, and I got it all in my space.
I was so sure I wasn't going to make it through. My work didn't look all that great compared to anyone else's, and it looked like I just didn't care (at this point, I didn't). But... Despite everything that went wrong, I somehow made it through. I've been accepted into the upper division graphic design sequence. I don't have to change my major!
So... in a way I am relieved. I'm relieved that I don't have to choose a new major (because, man, do I hate making decisions, especially ones I'm not sure about). I'm relieved that it is still possible for me to graduate in only four years of school. And I actually feel like I'm somewhat good enough.
If I didn't make it, I would have been secretly relieved as well. Relieved that I didn't have all the stress anymore. Excited to try something new.
But I let this review choose my fate for me. I could change my major still if I wanted to, but I think I am okay with graphic design.
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I feel like such a bitch. It seems lately all I ever say to Max is what he does that upsets me. And then I get upset and just take it out on him, I guess. I get distant or ignore him completely.
I mean, I do it because he ignores me. And I can't stand being ignored. I wouldn't be this way if I weren't ruined from my last relationships. Does no one like my conversation? I just like to keep in touch throughout the day, but that's clearly too much to ask for as all of my last relationships have shown me. Am I only good for sex? No one cares what I have to say. I wish I hadn't changed. I wish I was still as silent as I used to be. I guess I always make the same mistake of thinking someone cares.
I confronted him about it last night. You know, "being a b" as he always says. We were talking on Facebook, and he informed me that he was going to go to his friend Mat's to jam. Which is perfectly fine. But every time he's with anyone, I don't hear from him at all. I know it's rude to text people when you're hanging out with other people, but that never stops him from texting people when he's hanging out with me... So why can't he text me when he's with them?
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Max
okay, i am going to go play guitar at matts for a few
then pick up jason
Hayley
That means I won't hear from you for the rest of the night. I hope you have fun. Good night.
Max
wait
why you say that
Hayley
Because it's true?
Max
when i go to matts you dont ever hear from me?
Hayley
at least you told me instead of just disappearing lol
i never hear from you when you are hanging out with anyone
Max
i guess i also forget to tell you
i am sorry
Hayley
I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty. I was just saying.
Max
well, you do make me feel guilty and i am just saying that
but
it makes me aware and i try to make sure i change these little things that arent good
i wish i was with you honestly
we would have just finished a movie or something and would be preparing for another one
Hayley
I don't try to make you feel guilty. I don't like putting people on guilt trips because it makes me feel bad if I make someone else feel bad.
Max
you dont make me feel bad
you make me feel communicated
(i like that one haha)
picture that in a song
Hayley
When you said you were going to Matt's, I just took that as my cue to lie down and watch shows/movies for the rest of the night.
Max
well, i havent jammed with them all semester
and i was supposed to be at work right now haha
so i figure i can fit this in now and still study later
and def tomorrow because no band prac
Hayley
You know you aren't going to study later. But go have fun with your friends! Why no band practice tomorrow?
Max
kal r kar troubles
and finals
i told scobert we should hold off this weekend and come back after full blast
okay i am going to go
i will text you
Hayley
Okay, have fun.
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And then he said he might come up Sunday after already telling me he wasn't going to. Just don't beat around the bush so much. You already said you weren't going to; now that's what I expect, so just don't...
As soon as he said "I will text you" I said to myself, "No, you won't." Because he never texts me. He did though. Many hours later when I was already in bed. That conversation goes as follows:
Max: I'm home. My wrist is hurting for some reason. I am gonna lie down and probably fall asleep. :-) I hope you are warm.
Me: Okay. Good night.
Max: Wait! Don't go
Me: Why? I thought you were going to sleep.
Max: You just seemed distant
I miss you
Me: I miss you too
And then he didn't respond. A couple hours later I felt bad and guilty so I sent him this:
Me: Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be distant. I just get irrational sometimes because my last relationship ended over lack of communication. He would ignore me all day and only text me at night to say he was going to bed, and it just left a bad taste in my mouth. And now I just get irrationally upset over the stupidest smallest thing.
Max: Hey
The small things matter
And I can't wait to live close to you because our relationship has grown strong enough and i just can't wait :-) then text will be athing of the past
And I don't mean to ignore you. I am lazy sometimes and don't think about my phone. I get that from my dad lol
Me: I shouldn't get mad at you for things that aren't your fault. It's completely irrational, and I'm well aware of it. I'm sorry.
Sometimes, I feel like he just doesn't take this as seriously as I do...
And you know damn well that the thing I said about my ex ignoring me and only texting me, like, once a day to end a conversation that never happened is true because it infuriated me then when I wrote all about it on this blog and it infuriates me now when I continue to write about it on this blog...
And, I mean, saying he forgets about his phone and all this cutesy talk isn't helping. It isn't cute. It's too little too late, and I see it for what it is: trying to spew out a bunch of bullshit to shut me up. I forget about my phone a lot of times too, but only when I'm not texting anyone on it. I guess I just think about him more than he thinks about me. I guess I'm just bitchy, needy, and clingy.
I don't want to be attention hungry. I just want to be acknowledged by one person. Is that wrong? Am I wrong?
I don't know... I've just got this deep-rooted resentment inside of me. It's like abandonment issues. And the biggest reason I'm such a god damned bitch all the time is because I'm just trying to explain problems instead of letting it build up inside of me and making me resent him and never want to see him again. I'm trying really fucking hard to not let this relationship end like the last one.
do you smoke marijuana?
No. But I did have a dream last night that I ate a whole bunch of edibles in the shape of chocolate coins...
how many years have you smoked weed for?
do you consider it really a drug?
I mean, it's a "drug." It alters your state/has physiological effect, but so is aspirin and alcohol, so...
have you lost friends over it?
Only if they think they're "too cool" in which case they're too immature and intolerable to be around anyway.
is it really the gateway drug?
I think people are going to do drugs if they want to. It doesn't matter what they did first.
how often do you do it?
what's the high like?
who was the first person you did it with?
do you smoke it or snort it?
have you done mushrooms?
do you eat them?
who did you first do them with?
what is the high like?
have you done extasy?
how many times have you done it?
who did you first do it with?
is it your choice of drug?
sex sex sex ;]
who did you lose your virginity to?
Nate.
how many times have you had sex?
With him, only once.
now how many people have you slept with?
Two.
are you on birth control?
No.
have you ever had a pregnancy scare?
No.
who was the last person you slept with?
Max.
do you like condoms?
Sure.
how often do you have sex?
Maybe a couple times a week. Depends on how often I'm with Max.
when was the last time you did it?
Sunday, I think.
hugs and kisses <3
who was your last kiss?
Max.
who was your first kiss?
Nate. (first real one anyway that wasn't disgusting and sexual harrassment)
do you like long or short kisses?
There's a time and place for both.
how many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?
Countless.
give the initials of the last 10 people you've kissed:
I have not kissed that many people. How about full names? Nate, Michael, P, and Max. In that order.
do you like public kissing?
I don't mind short kisses, but I don't want to make out in public. It just feels trashy, and, honestly, making out is, for the most part, a precursor to sex, foreplay, and it makes no sense to do it in public unless you have a having-sex-in-public fetish, which I don't.
would you kiss the last person you kissed in front of your mom?
Sure.
who has seen you kiss the last person you kissed?
Almost anyone we've been around at this point.
have you ever kissed someone with a girlfriend?
If any of them had a girlfriend at the time, I was unaware of it. Otherwise, I wouldn't have done it.
have you ever kissed a girl?
No.
relationships (:
your last boyfriend, who was he?
Max. (the last one was Nate).
how long was your last relationship?
So far, 11 months. (the last one was a year)
what ended it?
The current one is still... well, current. (the last one ended because I was fucking sick and tired of no communication and being thought of as a "safe bet")
would you ever get back together with your recent ex?
Never. After I lost interest in him and have been away from him long enough, I'm not sure what I ever saw in him honestly. He's a nice guy, and I'm glad I gave him a chance, but I could never see spending the rest of my life with someone like him. We have nothing in common, and he's really not my type. I mean, he's got a great body. I won't deny that, but our views, beliefs, etc are far too opposite. His personality was a bit much sometimes, and I hate thinking about it, but I feel Max has an almost similar personality (which is something I DID NOT know before getting into this relationship). I feel like I'm somehow always drawn to guys who have a little growing up to do... I don't mean that in a bad way. They're just loud and and not at all withdrawn. The complete opposite of me, I guess.
have you ever been cheated on?
Yes. It was minor, as far as cheating goes... I guess. We all know about it by now, but just to recap (and since my views on it have changed a bit). The relationship wasn't that serious, hadn't lasted long, it was long distance, and he dated someone else. I don't know if he slept with her, but he only dated her for a week or so before calling off from both of us. You know, it broke my heart at the time, but I've brainwashed myself to forgive him for it. Or maybe he brainwashed me. I tried calling him out on it a couple years later, but he refused to admit it, and that is what really makes my blood boil. But I feel like, it is one of those instances that you lie so often that even you believe it. He believes his own lie, but I know otherwise. It just sucks that out of everyone, he has always been there for me, and I am so conflicted to this day as what his motives may be.
who was your first relationship?
I don't really know which one counts, but I kind of consider it P. Since it was the first one that wasn't in elementary school, that lasted more than a week, and that we upfront stated that we were, in fact, boyfriend and girlfriend.
have you ever cheated on someone?
In my last relationship, I had all the opportunity to cheat and never get caught. I didn't though. Not physically anyway. I admitted awhile back that I did cheat emotionally. Which is where more of my inner conflict and turmoil comes from.
if you had to take back one ex, who would it be?
I've already gone back to P once. But I don't ever have to take back anybody. I'd much rather be single than settle. Or I'd find someone new and exciting. But I have shown, by taking back P, that I am insane. And you know what they say about insanity... I'd probably do it again.
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