(I've been trying to write this post for days)
I wrote that last post on my phone while I was lying on the couch right next to him - as he focused all of his attention on FB. He kept asking me if I was mad. I kept saying I was tired. He knew I was lying but didn't push it. He assumed I was mad because we weren't going to his house for the night (we were at my house), which would be a weird reason to be mad because I said I didn't care which house we slept at that night.
And, just to clarify, it's not JUST his friend Nic. It's also MY friends (who he is now in a band with), and his friend Robert. While he was typing away at Nic, and after, I assume, the video call had ended, he said out loud, "Nic wants you to break up with me." With which I responded, "I'm sure he does." I was not in the right mood to hear anything about Nic, especially his unimportant input on our relationship. I was also informed that Nic had said he wished my plain crashed and he wished I died on my way to Italy. What a great, supportive friend he is! And despite all of his negative words, Max still chooses to associate with such a horrible person. He told me today that he blocked Nic on Facebook. I get the feeling that won't last long. Who's going to treat him like shit and make him feel 2 inches tall now?! I certainly TRY not to do that.
So, Max suggested we go to his (Max's) house, and I complied. Because, like I said, I did not care which house we slept at. We rode in silence to his house, and I crawled in bed. After he crawled in bed with me, I told him, "I'm sorry I'm so difficult." And I told him I just get sad easily. I let him know that it was because he wouldn't stop ignoring me. I can tell he disagreed, but didn't want to dispute it.
Now, I understand that when anybody is typing on a computer, they won't hear you the first time you talk to them. But he does this ALL THE TIME. And I can't handle it if he did hear me, looked at me BECAUSE I was talking to him, makes eye contact, and just does not give a damn to ask, "what?" or to answer the question. Don't just fucking look away like I wasn't talking to you.
I know I'm irrational. I fucking know. And the realization of that and the self-loathing is what makes these episodes so much worse.
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The next morning, on Christmas day, he wanted to talk about it. At least that's what he said, "I want to talk about this." So I told him what it is exactly that upset me. And we did not talk about it. He got mad. He threw things on the table and all around made me feel like shit. I was silent in the car the whole way to my house. While we sat in the car outside my house, he said something - I don't remember what. And I said, "You wanted to talk about it, so when I tried to talk about it, you got mad." But I choked up and started crying. So I hugged him to hide my face, and we held that position for a long time as I wiped my tears away. You KNOW I have way too much pride to cry in front of people. I wasn't doing it to make him feel guilty. I genuinely tried really fucking hard to hold those tears in -- it's just that lately I can't do that so well. So, in turn, it made him tear up a bit. And then he just started rambling like crazy about how he really likes me and doesn't want me to leave him and he doesn't want to mess this up and a lot of other stuff. I told him I wasn't going to leave him.
So after we gained our composure, we went inside while I got ready to go to his mom's house. His mom was nice, and his stepdad is always really nice and sociable to me. His sister and her girlfriend were there too. It wasn't bad. I still get real quiet and shy around his family. I can easily communicate with one person at a time, but when I'm in a room full of people, I get quiet. His mom was really nice and gave me really generous Christmas gifts that I was not expecting.
Then we went to my family's Christmas. I got a lot of money, and my dad got me a Duck Dynasty Chia pet because it has a big beard and my dad said if I miss him while I'm in college, I can follow the directions on the box and think of him haha. I don't care for Duck Dynasty, but I liked the sentiment. It was funny. Max got really drunk and we slept in my room.
The next day my Christmas bag with all the money (and some candy and whatnot) was missing. After frantically searching throughout the house, we eventually found out that Josh accidentally took it, thinking it was his. I got it back.
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Yesterday was our one-year anniversary. I used to not care about these types of things. The only other time I made it to one year, my heart was completely not in it anymore. And I ended the relationship soon after.
This time is a little different. I came over the night before and tried to make it special. The next morning (the day of), he made himself busy with packing boxes rather than spending any time with me. I sat alone on his bed and browsed Facebook as I usually do when I'm at his house. I don't care for Facebook as often as I'm on it. I just get on it merely for something to pass the time, especially when I'm at his house.
So, I was a little bummed about that. While he was packing, he asked, "You're not going to be mad that I'm packing instead of spending time with you, are you?" (I mean, c'mon, if you have to ask...) I tried to be as compliant as possible, and told him, "No, you've got stuff to do..." I was just hoping, you know, an anniversary of all days could be different. So after spending no time together and not talking to each other until it was time to take me home (while he went to work), we got in the car. He brought it up in the car that he knew I was mad at him because I wasn't smiling. I told him it would have been nice to spend a little time together. He said he's just not used to this kind of thing because he used to be a shitty boyfriend (his last relationship was, apparently, shitty on both sides), and he said it would be better that night when he got off of work.
He dropped me off, and I spent the entire time he was at work cooking and baking. I baked him a lemon-lime cake roll thing that, despite all the things that went wrong and all the things I had to throw out and re-make, turned out pretty good. He really liked it, and he doesn't like cake usually. I made him a card with a long message in it and ended it with "I love you." We've never said it to each other before. When we got to his house, and he read it, he was floored - literally. I was sitting on the floor in front of the heater, and he immediately lay me down and kissed me. We lay on the floor for awhile. My heart warmed when he whispered, "I love you too, baby" in my ear. So I was happy for the time being.
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The night before our anniversary we talked (a little - we never talk [seriously] much). He said something about how we've had our biggest fight, and he was referring to the one on Christmas. I told him the one before that (the drug-related one) was way bigger to me. He said he shrugged that one off, which kinda pissed me off. He only thought the Christmas one was the biggest one because that's the one where he SAW me cry. I didn't tell him that I cried for two days over the other fight. I cried so much, my body couldn't handle the stress, and I got sick. By day two, I had a massive headache, debilitating nausea, and my entire body felt like it was a thousand degrees. I was so miserable those two days, and especially that night I got sick. (I did tell him I was way more miserable over that fight, but I don't think he'll ever understand just how upsetting it was for me - just like I'll never understand, as he said, just how not-big-of-a-deal it was to him)... I probably would have cried longer, but day three is when Dillon stopped by.
I hung out with Dillon, and he mentioned Max, so I said I could get him to come over. Max came over before work and hung out for an hour. I didn't talk to him much while he was here. While he was at work, Dillon and I went out to eat, and it was ridiculously windy outside. When we got back to my house, a horrible storm came through. Tornadoes and whatnot. The power was out for a couple hours or more, so we say in darkness. After it was all over, Max got off work and came over. We all went to his house so he and Dillon could play guitar. We stayed there til 4am. Would have been later, but I told Dillon we need to go because I had to wake up and be somewhere the next day.
The next day, Sunday, I went to Nana's for our big family Christmas. Max had to work, but everyone asked where he was anyway. It was nice to see my whole family. My cousin Nick came up from San Antonio on leave and no one told Nana. He casually walked in the door carrying presents, she saw him out of the corner of her eye, did a double take, and freaked out. She held her mouth open in surprised for a good minute, and then started crying. "Why did no one tell me! I'm going to shoot everyone one of you!" Because we all knew and she didn't. It was also a surprise to Poppa. He was taking a picture of Bam when Nick walked in, so he completely missed all the excitement. He stood up (after Nana's whole episode that he missed), and saw Nick and exclaimed, "Oh, my God!" It was great. It was also a surprise to Ryan and Kate and Larry, but pretty much everyone else already knew.
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