I feel like I'm going through another little crisis. I feel like everything is wrong.  I feel like doubling-down out of spite. But I'm so tired.  I feel guilty that I might be leading this boy on. I don't want to waste his time or be seen as a waste of time.  But when he says things like, "keep it up,  and I'm going to put a baby in you" he has no idea how much that drives me away. It gives me the ick. It puts me on a panic. I should come clean with him that I don't want kids. He met me in a manic time of turmoil that had me questioning everything, including my future.  I thought maybe kids could be in my future. But I'm not okay with the idea now. I've been with this boy a few months, and it still feels new. I can't bring myself to call him my boyfriend even though that's what he is. He talks like we've got forever together, and that freaks me out too. 

Lane and I message each other casually.  He told me coming over to my house to get his stuff was the most fun he has had in months. He hints at still liking me. But I'm realizing his communication is worse than mine. I have a serious problem with speaking my mind, but I'll say it if someone else opens the door. I gave him the whole floor and told him to "just say it" and he won't.  He hints at being depressed and lonely but won't talk about it.  I suggested therapy but we know he won't.  

But because he is so difficult,  it makes me realize, yeah, this is why we didn't work, and it's why we never will. Neither of us can communicate. It makes me want to go in deeper with Javier because he seems to actually be into me and does try to force me to talk. It's uncomfortable sometimes but I tell myself it's what I needed. 

I know there are red flags. It feels like he wants me all to himself. Like no friends,  no going out, etc. He talks like I don't need pets because I "have him now." He wants to "put a ring on that finger" and "put a baby in me." Lately he has been trying to convince me that my IUD is detrimental to my health.  I KNOW this is all controlling behavior.  I've called him out on some of it before. But I'm going to see him again. And again and again. I convinced myself that parts are things I need. The universe plays some bug joke on me with all my relationships. Gives me everything I've been lacking but desiring from a human who is so far from what I would typically associate with. He's got all these red flags, but he gives me all the things that Lane didn't: attention, texts back, makes me communicate, and the other things I mentioned in a previous post. 

I just know, deep down, that this isn't it. And I'm riddled with guilt knowing I'm being a waste of time. 

I guess Lane still loves me. He came over the other day to collect some things he left behind. He showed up with his hair all done up (if you know him, you know) and wearing cologne. He wanted to get food together. Offered to buy. I declined, of course.  I just have been trying to move on. I'm not sure if it's working. I still feel a lot of feelings but the most prevalent one is hurt.

Now I'm a little drunk:

I hid this blog because I was worried Javier might find it. I don't think he did. He told me he was going to research me? I realized this place isn't hard to find when you figure out my old screen name for stuff, but men are bad at digging, so I think I'm safe.  

To be straight, I believe Lane is my soul mate. I can see myself with him forever, granted we figure out how to overcome our issues, which, to me, have always been fixable. Some things,  like his mommy issues, would require professional help though. And I'm not perfect; I still need to learn how to communicate. I just have never felt like I could find someone I can connect with on the same level as I did with him. It's possible I could if I could find someone else that I can stand being with for 5 years... but who knows. 

I have my qualms about Javier. He just seems so insecure about certain things, and I still get the vibe that he can be controlling. I am riddled with anxiety that maybe I'm leading him on. He is the opposite (not physically cuz he's HOT, but personality-wise) of what I would ever go for, but my thinking was since no one else ever worked out, then maybe I should give this a shot. But I'm already starting to see signs that I won't be happy with in the long run.  

All that to say,  I am starting to feel pretty depressed. I wish I hadn't dragged anyone else into my life and just focused on me for a bit longer.  But here we are.  

I just hope that if they come back to bite me in the ass, they don't ruin my life like the ones from my past.

I've been keeping busy to keep my mind off of things, as usual.  But I was slowed down by a storm, and I let it roam. And now I physically feel sick. And I've realized that I don't think I could love right now. 

A lot has changed since we last spoke

I told myself I was going to stay single for awhile this time.  And I still technically am. But he and I are ~exclusive~ so... I'm kinda not. 🤷‍♀️ The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, and I really hate that this helps me so much. I'm already sleeping better and eating again. Maybe even... a little happy again? 

(My doctor was concerned about my weight loss. It was the first thing she said when she walked in the room. My iron levels are alert-level low, too. I'm eating more and taking iron).

So, I thought I saw some red flags early on.  I feel like he presents differently over text than he does when he speaks/in person... so we talked it out and I'm back on board. I'm kinda dumb though 🙄, so I'm gonna list the potential red flags anyway in case my intuition was right:

-He comes off as a little controlling

-He was on the way to become a cop at one point

-He is a former marine

-His goal is to find someone to marry and have kids with

-He lives in Milan (where The Worst Thing That Ever Happened To Me is from)

If you presented these things to me without any other info, it would be a HELL NO. 

But

Now hear me out

But we talked about the cop thing,  and he said he ultimately decided not to do it. He grew up in San Diego and was closely around a lot of gangs. As in,  friends and family of his were/are in gangs. I kinda get the military-cop pipeline to escape the gang stuff and not get sucked into it. 

It also softens the blow a little that he is 100% not white. White cops are the worst cops. 

I told him my opinion on cops and why I don't trust them. He took it way better than I expected. 

I've told him marriage is a hard sell for me and I've never wanted kids. He still wants to pursue this for some reason. 

He isn't actually from Milan, so I can't imagine he really knows any of the terrible people there. Also, he's a very large man, and I'd feel so safe running into anyone anywhere next to him.  

He made some comments via text message that rubbed me the wrong way with their tone, so I told him I wasn't sure I was ready for all this. But when we FaceTimed later, he addressed that and made us talk about it to get it out of the way, and he was so nice about it that it changed my mind a little. I'm still on high alert though. 

So, they say if your next person looks absolutely nothing like your ex, then they are just a rebound and it won't last. This man looks nothing like me ex... he does, however, kinda look like a mixture of a couple different people I've dated. So he is "my type" for all intents and purposes.  But he's nothing like the last one in almost every way.  He has some of the missing parts I've been wishing for. 

I'm so very attracted to him,  but I'm still not sure if I'm ready for this.  Perhaps he is just fullfilling a fantasy of mine (he kinda is...). He seems to be pretty into me. And snagging a man this hot (6ft; dark; former personal trainer, so fit/muscular; speaks Spanish 🥵) is a huge confidence boost for me. 

But, ya know,  personality and attitude have always won over hotness. This is my second super-fit, too-hot-for-me, neck-tattoo rebound (refer back to The Boy from 2020).  Let's hope this one doesn't ghost me. He seems like the kind of guy who will be pretty straight up about just about anything (something that scares me a little tbh). 

Let's see where it goes, shall we?