Fundamental Differences

Who are you talking to at 4 o clock in the morning?

Gives me anxiety.

"Things are going to be different now," he says.

I know him, and I know this is just a phase. But this is the first time I've seriously questioned the longevity of this relationship. 

He says he won't be here as much as he "wants" to be. My mind immediately jumps to how I've always dealt with an absent partner... Going out more and making a point to spend as little time at home as possible. I don't want to go that route again, but I don't like the way he implies things are going.

His current phase - obsession, rather - is the bible. I worked 10 hours yesterday and didn't hear from him once all day because he was supposedly reading the Bible and talking to his dad on the phone to discuss it. All day. Claimed he talked in tongues. He actually believes in that shit...

I was worried all day thinking something could be wrong. It drained me. And when I got home and found that, I was just not in the best mood.

He says he'll have to go off on his own to read and pray.

I know it's a phase.

But he doesn't understand the parallels. When he left the room at 4am this morning and started talking on the phone, my whole body tensed with anxiety. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't sleep. Jonah used to wait for me to fall asleep so he could leave the room and talk to The Other Girl. Jonah used to leave off on his own for "church." It all gave me anxiety then too. And I know Lane and Jonah aren't the same. But they make me feel the same sometimes.

After I was able to go back to sleep for a second, I did have this dream: I was on the front porch of my house on a city neighborhood street. Sam walked by on the sidewalk wearing a business suit. He lived a couple doors down. Some friends from across the street were there. They were faces I used to know in Memphis. Sam had a green "$220" floating near his head. One of the guys on the street said hi to him. Once Sam had gone, I told the guy on the street that I know how much money Sam had due to an app I had installed a long time ago. We got to talking. The guy, Rashad, approached me with a proposition. He said my house needed a king. He was implying being roommates with me and being the male presence in the home. His friend, Dimitri, interrupted, "the house is perfect with small hands." Implying I did not need a man around. And that's where I woke up.

I don't know if that's relevant or not but it's worth writing down when I remember a dream....

Anyway, we all know I'm not religious. If Lane keeps this up, it will be a massive turn off. Or he'll lose interest in me because I'm not in the same mindset. Fundamental differences and all...

Unbelievable

I still rack my brain. I never felt I needed or deserved a love without problems. I really never knew it was possible, but here we are... So far. Sure, I've stated little annoyances, but they are so incredibly minor by comparison.

I believe he actually loves me. He tells me all the time, sure. But more importantly he shows me. He does so much for me without question or complaint. I wake up with his arms around me.

And I really love him too. A love I didn't know it was possible to feel towards another adult human. I get sad when I'm alone. I want him involved in everything I do. I am still just as into him as I was excited in the beginning. I stare a lot when he's not looking. I admire him. I adore him. I'm proud of him and to have him and to show him off.

I still struggle and feel like I probably always will. I struggle to believe it. I do believe it, but my subconscious can't be complacent, I suppose. Sometimes when he tells me how much he loves me (and I think it only happens when he tells me, not shows me), I feel a tinge of fear in the deepest pit of my stomach. It's like that lump-in-your-throat feeling just down in my stomach. I know it's fear. I'm scared to trust. I'm scared to be vulnerable. And, like everyone else in the world, I'm scared of getting hurt. I'm scared to open up and invest *this* much. I'm scared to believe it because I don't want to feel stupid if it were to ever be untrue. But I'm trying to overcome all of that. I'm just not sure I ever will.

I also just don't have the self-esteem to see what he sees.

He talks a lot about marriage. I'm glad that's as far as it goes for him. I'm glad his idea of trapping me isn't a baby like I've experienced before... I've even considered the idea of marriage with him, though, I'm way more for the idea of elopement. He's the only one I've ever thought about it with. There's still a long way to go before any of that idea grows. But I feel like even if it reaches that point, and even if we stay together for years, the fear that it was all fake and never real will forever loom in the background of my subconscious.

One day maybe I'll seek help. I've considered it pretty heavily lately. But right now I'm going to continue just spilling it all here and here and hoping that helps enough for now.

Bringing these back

if you could have sex with any celebrity right now, who would it be?
Mamoa

if you had to have sex with one of your best friends who would it be?
I would have to be so drunk that it doesn't matter, I guess

ever fallen in love with a friend?
Developed a crush on one in high school

did you end up getting together or not?
Nope

if yes, how did you end up together?

if no, why not?
Never persued it. The friendship was more valuable.

ever been the other woman?
Yeah! This dude I had slept with a couple times had a girlfriend the whole time apparently. I found out months later from his Facebook... After he unfriended me. 🤷

we all have that one song that gets us pumped, what's yours?
Depends on the day, the mood, the alignment of the planets...

have you ever been to prom?
Zombie prom. As an adult.

did you have a good time? 
Yeah! I blacked out the first time I went. Made the best of it the second time.

don't you just hate it when someone is a boring texter?
I am that someone.

ever let someone use you knowing they were using you?
I have done this on more than one occasion during different phases of my life all of which had low self-esteem as a common denominator.

how many people have you slept with (sexually not actually sleeping)?
11

how many of them were you actually in love with?
Oh... maybe 4

ever taken someone's virginity?
Nope

would you ever want to be with a virgin?
Absolutely not

if no, why not?
I prefer someone who knows what they are doing

favorite song lyrics?
Depends on the day, the mood, the alignment of the planets...

do you constantly find yourself internet stalking your ex?
Nope!

if yes, how many times a day on average do you find yourself doing this?
About once every 3 months to make sure he's still really far away

so like, what's your zodiac sign?
Pisces

what's your favorite item of clothing you have & why? 
The leggings I've been wearing almost everyday since the wreck... They're thick like pants, warm, and easy to put on with one hand (it's the only pants I can wear right now being handicapped and all)

do you have anything to hide?
Probably

are you friends with any of your exes?
Only kinda

given the chance would you take any of your exes back?
I would not

do you have an addiction? 
Yes

to what?
Coke from Sonic

do you like being taken or single more & why?
They both have their perks, but due to my lack of friends, lately I prefer being taken because he's the only one who wants to be around me

being loud & obnoxious is fun huh?
Not at all

do you feel like you're sorta split personality?  half & half?
Oh, like milk and cream? Yeaaaa

do you act like your own gender or more like the opposite sex?
Whatever

do you have more friends of the same sex or opposite?
opposite... if I had any lol

i'm gonna make you some food now, what do you want me to make you?
Depends on the day, mood... You get it

blunts, bowls or bongs?
None

favorite sexual position?
Switching it up

3 traits your dream partner would have?
R e s p e c t x 3

drake is the bomb isn't he?
Bit of a creep

do you really care what people think of you?
A lil

when you have a fight with your partner what do you do?
Seethe probably

Have any siblings you know of but don't actually know personally?
I have a brother who is schizophrenic... don't really know him anymore

greatest fear?
I think it changes

something people fear that you do not fear at all?
Spiders maybe

don't you hate getting nice & comfy & then having to pee?
All the god damn time

what do you think of porn & the people who watch it?
To each his own

when your friends mention you in fb statuses & tweets do you get happy?
Not really what gets the seratonin goin' for me

how much does it really take to get you mad?
Depends on the planets, yo

would you date someone that your parents & friends didn't approve of?
I did that once

do you have any regrets?
See: above
The entire year of 2016

are you always the one to apologize even if it's not your fault?
Not always

ever lost friends because of a certain guy or girl?
When my friends get SOs, they don't talk to me anymore 🤷

is ghetto really an insult?
I don't say it

what word can I call you to insult you?
Hands down: lazy

ever used a legit sex toy before?
Yeah, turns out it's not my thing

ever questioned your sexuality?
Nah. I am unfortunately attracted to men.

ever thought you were pregnant?
I wish it was only a thought

ever faked being pregnant?
I wish it was fake... But I would fucking never

favorite song at the moment?
"I was drunk" - Margot & the Nuclear So & So's

ever had a major surgery performed on you?
No but this hand might need surgery soon

do you think you're a boring person?
Definitely

do you think you're more or less a good person?
I think I used to be good

Which of the 7 deadly sins are you guilty of?
All of them, I'm sure

do you think it's possible to dislike all music?
Anything is possible

what's one thing you think everyone has in common?
99% of DNA

do you believe that there's actually good in EVERYONE?
No

what's one thing that bothers you that probably wouldn't bother most people?
The sound of a file/Emery board

do you believe in forever?
For the universe, sure

how many relationships have you been in?
If you mean committed Facebook-official-type relationships... I think about 6 of them count under that category

do you ever want to get married?
Was never in my plans, but we'll see

why or why not?
Not a goal of mine

do you believe in divorce?
Yes

how about love at first sight?
Not really

is there a song you can't listen to without thinking of someone?
A few

how are you feeling right now?
Sleepy

do you like being called babe, baby, hunnie, etc?
Yes, actually. But I never say it back.

do you have any sort of ongoing health problem?
Deficiency

ever lost someone close to you?
A couple

ever been hit by a motor vehicle?
A month ago today

can you play a musical instrument?
Nope

do you wish you did?
Yes

are you able to speak fluently in more than one language?
No, but I'd love to

ever self harmed in any way?
I've self-destructived like an adult, no self-harm tho

ever wish you were of the opposite sex?
As good as they got it... Still no

favorite genre of music?
Americana folk

are you lady like?
Doubtful

is there that one person who you just CAN NOT seem to get over?
I thought there was one for a minute, but it passed

so what's your dream job?
Unobtainable, I'm sure

someone you can't see yourself being able to live without?
I hope I never have to find out

best & most favorite video game (pc or console) ever?
Fallout 2

what's worse? yolo, swag, or cray?
You do you

so like, whatever happened to that 2012 thing we were all worried about?
We're in a simulation

would you ever tattoo someone's name on you?
Likely not

when people sing happy birthday to you do you feel awkward or happy?
So awkward

favorite thing about being in a relationship?
Having someone there

favorite thing about being single?
Doing whatever you want forever

ever been hurt by someone you thought would never hurt you?
Of course

don't you hate it when people in relationships act single?
As long as it ain't my relationship, then it ain't my business

sex is really good isn't it?
Currently, yes

ever had a friends with benefits?
A few

do you like trains?
Not in a hobby kinda way. I wish we had more for public transit.

do you think you have a pretty good singing voice?
Nah. Wish I did tho

how about dancing, are you a good dancer?
Don't think so

is intelligence a turn on for you?
Yes

hm, top 3 physical turn ons?
I've always had a thing for, like... toned arms and shoulders. Dark hair. Square jaws (bonus five o clock shadow)

you're dating someone, they must be what personality wise?
I don't even know. Funny (to me)

aren't rasta colors perfect?
Yeah actually

do you like bob marley?
Not really

why or why not?
Not my taste

do you like to feel powerful & in charge?
Oh, I do

capricorns are the best aren't they?
I don't fucking know

describe your appearance in 3 words:
Kinda small, kinda dull, probably draped in black

are you afraid to stand out?
Probably

what do you do when you're mad?
Clean the house... Sleep

how about sad?
Clean the house... Sleep

Do you still love me

"Do you still love me? It's what I worry about because it's the one thing I can't control."

He's trying to get me to open up... But I thought I was already open? He says he is observant and can read people really well. This is true because I've witnessed it plenty. He makes excellent analysis on people that I've never even thought of. Always accurate... He should have gone into psychology.

But he can't read me. I only give him "a little bit" to work with, and he works it into worry.

I genuinely don't know how to open up. My thoughts stop at tongue, and I can't get them out loud. I will look someone in the eye and say exactly how I feel inside my own head, but I physically can't say it. I freeze up and go silent. I've always been this way. It's most apparent when I'm upset.

But I'm not upset... I have very good things to say about him and about us. I've written them all here! And this is where my silence is usually translated. Although I've laid out my complaints here as well, I'm still very much in love with him and want him in every way. I just feel uncomfortable letting certain things like that pass through my lips for some reason. But it's absolutely nothing to write it. I guess I'll have to let him know that somehow...

- - - - -

I've had a pretty emotionally exhausting weekend. It was my one weekend off work this month, and I had things planned. But they did not turn out as planned because I have already been down in the dumps and coming to the realization of just how lonely and friendless I am really took a toll on me. I spent most the weekend in bed.

I can't figure out how to de-stress. I feel a lot of pressure inside me. I'm still pretty sad about life.

I know there are things to be happy about, but I'm already at the bottom of this hole. I'd love to come out of it...

I've got a short fuse lately. I'm taking my pent-up stress out on every minor upset. I've been extra mean to the pets when they get in trouble. I've been snappy with Lane. I've been brutally honest with Caleb. I haven't been pleasant to be around.

I deserve to be alone right now. And I am.