I'm so tired of myself. 

I am on vacation in New Orleans for Mardi Gras. 

And I'm not having any fun. 

I haven't eaten in 10 hours because I'm "full." Of cortisol,  I assume. 

I feel pressure inside my entire body. 

Why am I like this? I fucking hate this.  

I feel like I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown.  All the stress and pressure I can physically feel boiling in my stomach. 

I am not happy.  

I'm very unhappy. 

The only way to be happy again is to not care so much.  And we all know when I quit caring,  it all ends.  I weigh the options daily.  

This is not what I want.  I'm not trying to compromise.  I'm not even trying to talk about it. I'm just over it.  

So I guess this is the beginning of my 4 month check out process. I'll be miserable for way too long like I always do. But this time I'm going to stay alone for awhile.  I've realized it's imperative to reset. I could really use a rest.

I feel like I've reached an expiration, and it's time to move on. 

I just want to start over. 

I was really high in a bedroom. I walked out of the bedroom directly into a brightly lit grocery store. I was trying to get from one end of the store to the other,  but I was so high I was struggling. I linked up with my niece Jamie, who was also high. We got caught and put in a holding room. The room was another bedroom, maybe the same one as the original idk. It had softer lighting.  She was freaking out but her friends came to break her out. We went into a fenced-in backyard area at night, and they all jumped the fence to escape. I stayed behind and went back inside to lie on the bed and doze off. I heard me dad's voice talking to me.  Asking me to wake up like I was in a coma. Maybe pleading. I wish I could remember the other things he said because I know he said more.  I woke up crying because he's dead. Even in the dream. This was all still in the dream.  Then I found myself on a bus,  still at night,  with David. We got off at a house and went inside. I can't remember whose house it was,  but they weren't home,  and we found teenagers squatting inside. We asked why they had the fridge open.  They said it was hot in there. We were blown away that they didn't know how to use a thermostat. I went back to a master bedroom to use the bathroom. At some point I found my mom back there just hanging out... David and I went to the backyard for some privacy. It was more like dawn or dusk out now. Dully lit. We sat in an old car, and I tried to tell him about my dream with my dad. His dad is gone,  too, so I guess I thought he would understand.  We made out. A backyard neighbor came out of their house and got into their car.  They drove away and we tailed them.  I don't know why we were following them, but that's about where it all ends.

I don't feel good about these changes.

I have been so on edge and just angry a lot lately. 

Lane is moving back in.  I would be more excited if it didn't already feel like it's going to be all the same as last time. I'm letting him move in though. We will see. 

I was doing laundry (really I'm just constantly cleaning because despite him living here again and my mom living here half the week, no one helps keep things clean around here—another source of my stress). I found in the pocket of his jacket a letter that his sister wrote him. He told me about it. She is in a facility right now.  Anyway, part of the letter mentioned something about him moving to Arizona in the coming year. I've heard nothing of this. So this could be exactly like last time. 🙄

I don't think it will be quite as devastating if it happens again. But if it does, it will be for good.