Dad is in hospice. We have him set up in a hospital bed at home, and I am his primary caretaker. He requires 24/7 supervision. I know he is miserable, but I hope this is the least painful option.  

This is truly the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I can't imagine anything will ever come close.

I know people are trying to help,  but I hate being asked how I'm doing. I have to hold back tears every time. 

And everyone always asks if there is anything they can do to help. I need help with a lot of things but it's nothing anyone else can provide. I love my dad, and he isn't being needy at all. But he is so weak that he is bedridden. He can't do anything on his own except talk and drink liquids. I wish there was at least a nurse or someone here more often to help. I just don't feel qualified for some of this. It's physically and mentally taxing.

A friend asked last night, "how are you holding up?"

And I said, "Honestly, I'm only holding up at all because I have to."

And that's the way it's going to be for awhile.

I don't think he is going to make it to the end of the year. I don't think he wants to.

Here is something I will never admit to anyone.  I was at my niece's 2nd birthday party and there were a handful of kids there. And I had the thought that these kids are actually pretty cute... and do I maybe want kids someday? The answer is still no. It was a fleeting moment,  but they were pretty cute to be honest.  

I got so much better at speaking up for myself. I really did. Sometimes it seemed to help... in the beginning. 

But I just keep quiet these days.  In the instances I have been the absolute most upset by things—the resentment-causing wedge-driving things—I have spoken up.  And each time,  I have been met with the same options: take it or leave it.

I no longer speak out. Instead,  when I'm upset, I silently weigh my two options: take it or leave it.  

I thought we were a close family until I met people who were way closer as a family.  Those people creep me out. And for my own family,  I'm very comfortable with the distance that we all share. 

I'm reading old posts on here.  That was a thought I had about one of my survey answers from 7 years ago. 

Anyway,  when I was in college,  I thought I was mature with a good head on my shoulders. We all think that when we're 22, don't we? But, holy shit, I was a sloppy hot-ass M E S S back then. 

Yeah, turns out life has to really beat you down in order for you to ever grow up. 

I very much learn through negative reinforcement.  I'm not one to think,  "maybe it will be different this time." Is something was bad once,, it's bad forever. Never doing that again.  

Lane told me yesterday that he has noticed I have been more understanding lately and that he appreciates it. I had no response for a long time because I'm glad he noticed, and I'd like to think I'm working on being understanding, but I'm not. I've been shrinking back into myself and just keeping quiet. I'm full of lot of bad emotions and stress right and have given up on certain battles... most of them actually.  I interpreted his appreciation ad being happy that I've shut up and am compliant. Really I just "restrict" (soft block) him on messenger 90% of the time and have started replying to him like he does me: maybe twice a day and only during business hours. 🙄

Anyway...

I'm trying to keep myself busy again. Trying to keep up with the housework. I feel immensely guilty that I'm avoiding the giant cancer elephant in the room. I cry every time I even think about it, and I definitely can't talk about it out loud. So I'm pushing that down with the stress. I feel like I'm going to regret it, but I just don't know what else to do. 

I'm listening to him cough in the other room. I'm watching him deteriorate more everyday. I notice how depressed he is. And there is nothing I can do. I'm trying to plan a bucket list trip... but I'm worried he can't handle it. He can't stand or walk for long (or brief, for that matter), periods of time. He can't breathe. I just don't know what can be done. I read the other day that the majority of lung cancer patients die within a year of being diagnosed,  with or without treatment. How can anyone cope?? 

I don't think there is anything good right now.