I got so much better at speaking up for myself. I really did. Sometimes it seemed to help... in the beginning. 

But I just keep quiet these days.  In the instances I have been the absolute most upset by things—the resentment-causing wedge-driving things—I have spoken up.  And each time,  I have been met with the same options: take it or leave it.

I no longer speak out. Instead,  when I'm upset, I silently weigh my two options: take it or leave it.  

I thought we were a close family until I met people who were way closer as a family.  Those people creep me out. And for my own family,  I'm very comfortable with the distance that we all share. 

I'm reading old posts on here.  That was a thought I had about one of my survey answers from 7 years ago. 

Anyway,  when I was in college,  I thought I was mature with a good head on my shoulders. We all think that when we're 22, don't we? But, holy shit, I was a sloppy hot-ass M E S S back then. 

Yeah, turns out life has to really beat you down in order for you to ever grow up. 

I very much learn through negative reinforcement.  I'm not one to think,  "maybe it will be different this time." Is something was bad once,, it's bad forever. Never doing that again.  

Lane told me yesterday that he has noticed I have been more understanding lately and that he appreciates it. I had no response for a long time because I'm glad he noticed, and I'd like to think I'm working on being understanding, but I'm not. I've been shrinking back into myself and just keeping quiet. I'm full of lot of bad emotions and stress right and have given up on certain battles... most of them actually.  I interpreted his appreciation ad being happy that I've shut up and am compliant. Really I just "restrict" (soft block) him on messenger 90% of the time and have started replying to him like he does me: maybe twice a day and only during business hours. 🙄

Anyway...

I'm trying to keep myself busy again. Trying to keep up with the housework. I feel immensely guilty that I'm avoiding the giant cancer elephant in the room. I cry every time I even think about it, and I definitely can't talk about it out loud. So I'm pushing that down with the stress. I feel like I'm going to regret it, but I just don't know what else to do. 

I'm listening to him cough in the other room. I'm watching him deteriorate more everyday. I notice how depressed he is. And there is nothing I can do. I'm trying to plan a bucket list trip... but I'm worried he can't handle it. He can't stand or walk for long (or brief, for that matter), periods of time. He can't breathe. I just don't know what can be done. I read the other day that the majority of lung cancer patients die within a year of being diagnosed,  with or without treatment. How can anyone cope?? 

I don't think there is anything good right now.

Dad has lung cancer and has maybe a year to live, probably less. 

He will not be undergoing any treatment. His choice because he believes chemo and radiation will make him feel worse and not buy him anymore time. 

It has been hard to focus on anything else. 

So I also get to be stressed out about Lane all but ghosting me these last few days. I'm sure he has his own stuff going on (I wouldn't known since he doesn't talk to me), but zero communication has gotten extremely old. I've been sitting here mentally preparing for it to end because what else am I supposed to expect? I don't know if it's going to end, but it's adding significant stress on top of the already existing massive pressure of stress I already feel. I've been thinking, a lot actually, that I don't need that. I'm tired of it. I don't know why I have put up with it for as long as I have. 

I'm just so over it. 

I want to spend time with my dad. I don't want to be sad every waking moment.

No Vacations

Last week I flew to California to join Lane as he attended NAMM for his job. Flew into California by myself and he met me in the airport. An Uber was $100, so while Lane waited for my flight (his had landed 2 hours prior to mine), he looked up public transit ways to get to the hotel. This required downloaded a TAP app to pay for bus and train fairs. Would have been convenient if it fucking worked. He downloaded the app and I asked if I also needed the app to pay separately. He didn't look into it but was so sure that we could both tap with his phone. His logic was; what does it matter? They're getting the money either way. I didn't trust it so I downloaded the app secretly. We didn't even need to pay for thr shuttle to the train station. Once we got to the train station, Lane tapped his phone to the turnstile and was granted entrance no problem. Handed me his phone so I could go and got an "already tapped" error. I KNEW that shit wouldn't work. So since I had already put the app on my phone, I added money to it and... it didn't work. It wouldn't detect my phone at all. It was already like 9-10pm  and I was s t r e s s i n g 

While I was standing there trying to figure out what to do, a stranger walked up and literally just opened an emergency gate and let himself in... so I did the same thing. We caught the train as the doors were closing and road it to a bus station.

I refused to ride a bus since I had no way to pay for myself and made us take a Lyft the rest of the way to the hotel. It was only $27 at that point. 

Got to the hotel around 11pm-midnight. The next day, Thursday, I went with Lane while he and his coworkers setup the booth for the convention.  This took all-fucking-day as there were a lot of setbacks. Setbacks would prove to be the theme of this entire "vacation."

The first day of the convention, Friday, I felt horribly awkward and in the way. So I spent the next 2 days in the hotel room. I was pretty depressed. I am still pretty depressed. 

When we checked out of the hotel, we drove around Orange County and did some shopping. This was an okay day.

We drove to San Diego that night. 

Spent the next day with Caleb and this was also an okay day even though we spent way too much time and money at the tourist trap of Old Town.

We left way behind schedule but headed to Arizona that night... 

------

Currently on a cross-country road trip for the second time in my life. The first time wasn't that fun and this time has been way worse. I'm having one of the worst days I've had in a very, very long time. 

New Mexico has by far been the absolute fucking worst experience. Fuck that place. I will never go back.

The first night took us on a wild goose chase for BLM land to car-camp on for the night.  Despite maps and specific boondocking resources,  all the locations looked and felt like private property and cow fields.  It was all way too visible and surrounded by dispersed houses.

We slept in the Arizona desert the night before and it was a great spot that went just fine. Lane was hellbent on doing it again the next night in NM. Almost immediately we got the car stuck in some deep sand in a dried-up riverbed that ran into the trail. Lost a lot of time getting it unstuck. Lane kept driving around looking for a better spot to park, but I was extremely uncomfortable sleeping anywhere out there as it was not secluded and I didn't want to be hassled by strangers or authorities. Then we tried a National Forest with known spots...  Drove all the way to the forest at 10pm to find it was closed. This would present almost all of the problems we encountered the rest of our time in NM. Lane wanted to park in front of the roped off gate, but I just KNEW we would get run off there (checking my camping app confirmed that was the case). We finally decided to get a hotel room even though Lane really didn't want to. 

The next day, we drove 2 or so hours out of our way to check out a hot spring. Turns out this was also in a National Forest. We got to the pull-off for the hot spring to find it gated off with a big sign stating the forest is closed to ALL use due to the fire danger being too high. Again, Lane wanted to just park at the gate and walk the 4 miles to the spring. I was uncomfortable with this because I didn't want leave the rental car that long and risk a tow or a ticket. I knew this was extremely disappointing to Lane and we road in silence all the way back down the mountain. He found a gas station and crawled in the backseat to go to sleep. So I took over.

We were already HOURS behind schedule and ETA to our next stop (an airbnb in Tulsa that I regret booking due to barely getting to spend any time in it) was nearly 3:00am. So I was driving this long, straight open road through flat New Mexico with very little traffic. I was driving fast trying to make up time. Then i got a speeding ticket JUST before leaving that godawful state. Like 30 minutes from the state line. And that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I put on sunglasses and silently cried all the way to Amarillo. Stopped for food (mostly for Lane, I haven'teaten all day and wasn't hungry) in Amarillo right as a big storm was starting to roll through.  I ate a breadstick to be nice and tried to hold it together. When we left, Lane was driving and the storm was getting worse.

So for the next 2+ hours we drove in this massive, powerful storm that was ALSO traveling i-40 in the same direction we were. I thought it would never end. Lane was driving 80mph in almost-zero-visibility, so I asked him to slow down. He just got mad and argued with me. I gave up, sunk down in my seat, and silently cried while I anxiety-scrolled on my phone to not see what was happening outside the car.

We are passing through Oklahoma City now on the way to Tulsa. Gonna get to the Airbnb a little after 3am and have to leave by 10am... I wish I hadn't booked it at all and just slept on a parking lot for free at this point.

I have absolutely had it with this trip and with this week. I am miserable and am never doing this again.